I recently bumped into your blog from the office computer, and since then I have been an avid fan of your blog. Recent incidents in my life make me question who I really am and what I really want. I want your advice and as well as your readers about my scenario.
Just call me Jethro, I’m from Cebu and recently tied the knot with my long-time girlfriend because she got pregnant. She’s now 7 months on her pregnancy, and the doctors adviced us not to do “it” because of the sensitive nature of her pregnancy. This is where my problem comes in.
Lets call him Josh, he is my office mate. When I joined my current company, he was the most senior in terms of tenure, so he was assigned to guide me learn the ropes so to speak. He would go out with me for client calls, and would guide me in whatever I need to do when making presentations. Usually we would go out after work with other office mates and he would drive me home after a few drinks since he has a car and I don’t. We became really close because of this, and people in the office would usually tease us as the master and his protegee.
One time, we went out because one of our co-workers celebrated his birthday. We had a beer too much (wasted as you would put it) and on our way home, he started to ask me about my wife’s pregnancy, and how sensitive it was. He also joked with me about having no sex at all for months since my wife has a delicate pregnancy. I just shrugged off his comments and laughed, then all of a sudden he asked me, “Na blow job ka na ba ng lalaki?” to which I replied with a laugh “hindi pa, bakit mo natanong yan bai?”
He then put his right hand on my leg and started to tell me how good it feels to be BJ’d by another guy. I was dumbfounded with his statement, and asked him if he was gay, he just answered me with a laugh, then removed his hand from my leg. I didn’t realize it but we went in a drive thru motel and parked inside the garage. I was confused with what he did and ask him what are we doing there. He then told me that he finds me cute and he wants to give me a BJ. Remember that during this time we were both wasted and drunk.
He shut off the engine and proceeded to open the door of the car. He told me he will go inside the room because he was so drunk he can not drive anymore and needs to take a rest, I can just stay in the car or go in with him. I dont know what got in to me that I followed him inside the room. Maybe I was worried something might happen to him because he was so drunk (or maybe I was secretly hoping something will happen between us) but all I know is, I went inside the room with him.
Once we were inside, he told me to lock the door, which I did. Then he came near me and told me “I know you’ll come in” and started kissing me in the lips. I was taken aback by what he did and tried to turn my head to the other side. He started undressing me. I did not resist (blame it on the alcohol) then he continued in giving me what could be the best BJ of my life. Admittedly it felt awesome because I have been sexless for quite some time, but after I have reached climax and he came laying down on top of me, my head start spinning and confusion began to set in. What have I done? I began dressing up and started to leave but he pulled me back and told me he will bring me home.
During the trip home, we had awkward silence inside his car. You can even hear the flies buzzing sound. Then when we reached home, he was the one who broke the silence and told me that he liked me a lot, finds me cute, but knows I can not reciprocate the feelings he had for me. He apologized for what had happened and he hoped things will not be awkward in the office, and we will still maintain the same closeness that we have. I did not say anything, opened the door and stepped out.
That evening, I had the wildest dream I ever had in my entire life. I dreamed that we were making passionately love, that I am giving him a BJ, and I was fucking him and after the sex we were hugging each other and saying “I Love You’s” It was indeed a nightmare! After I woke up, I felt wet and realized I had a wet dream. I got scared at this point and ran to the bathroom to wash myself. I am now freaked out and don’t know what to do.
The next day, I did not report to the office to avoid that awkward moment with him. I told my wife I would accompany her to the doctor and told the same excuse at the office. He texted me asking why I was absent, and I replied to him that I already called HR about my absence.
Things went back to normal the following week. I am just civil with him, acted as if nothing happened. My problem right now is this, I cant seem to get off my mind the BJ incident that happened to us. Though it did not happen again, but secretly deep inside me, I am hoping that it would happen again, that we will both get drunk and he would give me a BJ. Am I becoming gay? Please help me.
Confused with what you want? I don’t think so. You seem to know what you want, you just don’t know what to do with it.
Yours is a tricky situation, and I can only imagine how tough these times are for you. You’re going to be a father soon, and only at this point are you grappling with this thing. Tough.
Because you said you are an “avid fan” of this blog, and that you “secretly hope” that that sexual tryst with Josh would happen again, many people would say you are definitely gay. I have a feeling that you are, but it’s not for me to say that you actually are. I’d like you to be the one to really observe yourself and your feelings, and based on that, have the courage to embrace the truth.
It may be that this is “just a phase” — no I won’t argue with you on this — but it may also be that you are a late bloomer. So many possibilities, but only you can really tell.
My suggestion for you is to continue with your quest for better self-awareness. It’s not going to be easy, given your situation (married, and soon-to-be father). Let these not be barriers though for your growth in self-awareness. Let not fear of embarrassment, or what-ifs stop you from embracing the truth of who you really are.
But give yourself some time. You deserve some time to think and feel this through. I just wish that as you explore, please be kind to your wife and upcoming kid. Being truthful to oneself may be accompanied by pain, but there are ways to handle it with finesse and elan.
I suggest you speak to someone you trust, better someone who’s gay too. I’d be that person but I’d recommend someone you can talk to in person. Talking it out with another would greatly help.
I wish you the best in your journey, Jethro. Light and love.