Hi Migs. I really want to have your opinion on this. I’m getting desperate.
I’m a college kid in a university around Manila. There’s this guy(When was there not?) with whom I MAY have developed feelings for.. and that’s exactly the problem.
To tell you the truth, he was the first person I’ve ever had sex of any kind with. I’m 19 and it happened quite recently. He’s straight, sort of a womanizer but he actually doesn’t deserve the credit he gets cause he’s not the most handsome guy in school..nor the smartest. For the past three years or so, we had developed sexual tension between each other. He always showed intention to subtly seduce me since we started texting, when he just transferred.
This year, we sort of started seeing each other more, but still in the company of our mutual friends. Until then, we never really talked or seen each other since last summer. Things started off again from that point. We texted more and he came to visit the house more often whenever I had classmates over. They knew each other, you see, but he wasnt a classmate of mine. We never get to converse well personally though. I’m a naturally silent person and I feel that sometimes I have to resort to irrelevant topics to get us start talking. He’s very amusing in texts though. very. We texted each other as long as someone replied– so that was all the time.
Then it got to the point that he was comfortable enough to visit me alone. He came to sleepover a few times and then we had breakfast. He seemed to like to crash at other people’s pads. This one time, he said he badly needed a back massage. I obliged and let him come over after his part time job. He used my computer for a while when he arrived while I read a book. It was kind of awkward for both of us to start thinking about that massage, which was actually the reason why he came. I didnt bother to make mention of it until he did a few times. I was dead silent reading my book and he didnt like that. Eventually, when he was finished browsing his facebook for his hot girl friends, who he often points out to me while saying his thoughts aloud, we went to my room to give him that massage. It was getting pretty late then so I agreed.
It started out innocent, I swear. But then I kind of knew at the back of my head what he wanted to happen with this plan of his. So I played with it a bit..made it kind of sensual. And I could hear him enjoying it. He had his shirt on while this went on.Eventually I asked him if he’d rather have it off if the texture of the cloth was bothering him. When he said it was alright, I slipped my hand there and there a bit. Haha. Then he asked to stop now and then because apparently he was having a boner and had to fix it up. He wasnt ashamed to say it. I was sitting on his ass while I gave him that massage kasi. I got tired and then we went to sleep. He offered to have me sleep beside him instead of the pull-out. I was hesitant like the shy little boy I am but then I obliged. He hugged me real tight for the rest of the evening, and I could hear his breathing behind my neck, deep and warm. He held me tighter each minute. I couldnt sleep. Neither could he. It was the farthest I’ve gone to anything like that. Eventually, things happened. Magical things. Things that made me seem like a pro, despite it being my first time.. I say that because he said “I love you” from time to time when I lustfully pleasured him member.. of course he didnt mean that. He just liked what I was doing..immensely.(he also said “I’ve always heard that boys were better than girls”.)
When we woke up, he came up to my side of the bed, begging for more. I loved that. After that incident, it happened again. But he didn’t sleep over. He wanted a quickie that he so long could not wait for since the first time. He had to go somewhere else after. I feel like I did something wrong after that.. after he left..or maybe even before. And I was feeling so satisfied and happy with myself for finally being in a relationship even it wasnt officially the romantic kind. I say “officially” because he’s really sweet behind those texts saying he wanted to pound me. I never let him yet, by the way. And he even asked me once if I wanted to be with him. like a couple. I didnt know what to say so I just swallowed his dick. Hahaha.
The problem now is that after that night, he never texted me again after I texted him a safe trip home. I was faithful, thinking he was just busy and I was right. He texted me after a few weeks, apologizing cause he had a lot of things to take care of. It seemed genuine and sincere, and I always knew he wasnt the type to know how to manage work so I kind of felt okay. After that though, nothing again. Just a few texts or missed calls late at night, incidentally when I was already sleeping. Things cut off from there.
I deleted his contact a few weeks ago. I did this to keep me from texting him when he never replied. It all seemed to familiar to me especially with him. This happened before, actually. The last year before summer ended, he kept offering to have us do things sexually and I gave in. We had sexts from time to time. Then after a while, he texted less often then said sorry for being the horny asshole that he was. If that wasn’t a “goodbye”, I dont know what is. He made it very clear to me that he wanted to stop what we were doing.
So now, I feel really bad to the point that I’m getting depressed most of the time. I kind of have these psychological relapses now and then. He doesnt know that. I plan to tell him. He just doesnt respond to me. I cant talk to him in personal cause I always get mad when I see him. When he sees me, though, he acknowledges my presence all the time. When I attempt to just slip by him, he reaches for my arm and smiles. Then I keep walking. It’s been like that since the first time I knew him. He’s sweet for still doing that. But it really is cruel, still.
The only time we got to talk recently was when he suddenly wanted to see me and check my phone. Apparently, it somehow slipped out that we were doing suspicious things. He suspects that someone read my phone inbox..perhaps when I was drunk with my friends. He seemed really worried. But then just told me off saying “mag ingat ka nalang next time. sige, ingat ka pauwi”.
And then absolutely no more texts from him since then. That was about two weeks ago. Granted that finals week is approcahing, I really cant blame him for being busy. But he really is avoiding me. Im sure of it. Right now, it doesnt bother him anymore that I dont greet him at the hallways. That always seemed to work. Im getting really desperate because I really think theres a big chance that I wont be back in the same school the next sem. It’s frustrating and totally depressing. What should I do?
Find a way to move on.
I’ll let my readers say more.
Love and light,