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Hi Migs!

I know your blog generally tackles mostly LBGTQ issues and concerns. I am a heterosexual woman. Nonetheless, I felt that I could share this concern with you.

I thought of writing you because I fell in love with this male massage therapist whom I came across through your blog. Long story short, I saw your blogs about him and I got infatuated with him, so much so that I decided to get a massage from him.

The decision to get a massage from him was out-of-character to say the least because I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of having a masseur touch me, much less caress me, especially given that the massage the Spa offers is more than the usual massage I get from my regular spas.

When I finally got the massage, it was more than the usual routine. Without me asking for it, he gave me the “extra service” I only ever heard about from my gay friends. He was ever the gentleman and ensured my comfort all throughout.

After the massage, he started texting me. Given my infatuation, I entertained him. He eventually asked me out on a date. My friends, especially my gay friends, cautioned me against getting into something serious with him considering our circumstances. They warned me that there is always the danger of being made a sugar mommy and of the therapist taking advantage of me for material reasons. I told them that I am a big girl and I can handle it. I was wrong.

We eventually started dating and at the time, I felt that we had something real. Of course, there were several instances where he asked me for material favors, and I obliged because I decided to trust him. I fell in love with him, and he told me that he loved me too. He would constantly tell me that he needed me in his life that he was learning so much from me and that he felt that I could give his life direction. I was ready to build a life with him. But it suddenly ended. His ex walked back into the picture. I decided to step back knowing that there were things his ex could give him that I could not. We parted ways. It was an amicable separation, or at least I’d like to believe that it was. I knew that he had valid reasons for choosing the ex over me and I told him that I understood.

Up to now, I am still in the process of moving on and I am still hurting. I still have so many questions left unanswered and these questions prevent me from fully letting go. I have friends who help me through the process, but I know that it’s getting exhausting for them to listen to me over and over.

At least two of my friends, both of whom are gay and both of whom regularly get massages with and without the ES, would scold me about how I am letting this affect me so intensely. They tell me: “Mamimili ka lang kasi ng magiging karelasyon, masahista pa.” Implying that what we had was probably not something real: that I was played and that I was taken advantage of. I keep playing the memories of us over and over in my mind to try to ascertain whether lokohan lang ba talaga ang lahat, or if he truly loved me and cared for me. My friends keep telling me to stop justifying him. They tell me that in the line of business of these masseurs, they have the ability to make one believe that they truly cared. Kumbaga, likas na sa kanila ang manloko at mambola. But I refuse to believe this because in the time we spent together, I got to know him. I know that he is a good person and I cannot believe that he had it in him to play me like he did and hurt me in the process. Or maybe, as my friends would tell me, blinded lang ako.

So I guess the reason why I am writing you is because I want to know whether in your opinion, it could have ever been real? Or are my friends right about him? Under our circumstances, which started out as a client-therapist relationship, was there ever really a chance that he really did care for me? That he did love me? Or tanga lang ba talaga ako?

Thank you for your time.

-SugarMomma

* * *

Dear SugarMomma,

Your friends seem to be true friends as they are quite harsh! Haha! Real friends yata are like that talaga noh? Kung sino pa ang kaibigan, siya pa ang masakit magsalita — siguro kasi may grain of truth. But may I say something? Based on your letter, you are very articulate and I tend to see you as someone smart and wise. When someone smart commits a seeming mistake, tanga na ba siya agad? Baka naman puwedeng nagkamali lang?

And even that thought, I challenge. Pagkakamali nga ba ang ma-in love ka sa isang masahista? It’s not right to generalize –masahista yan, peperahan ka lang niyan– yet I am sure there is a grain of truth in this generalization. Pero paano na yung mga maliligayang sandali na naidulot ng mga pagkakataong magkasama o magkausap kayo? Mali na ba ang lahat ng iyon? Walising parang kalat, ipunin sa dustpan, at ibasura lahat-lahat kasama ng mapait na katotohanang pinili niya ang ex niya imbes na ikaw? What use is demonizing those little sparks of happiness that made those days wonderful and worth living?

Ang nakaraan ay nakaraan, at kahit ano pa ang sabihin nila, ikaw lamang ang makapagdedesisyon kung papaano mo siya gustong alalahanin. Bilang mapait na karanasan? Maantang pagkakamali? O nakaraang puno ng masasaya (at masasarap) na pagkakataon? Bilang nakaraan, hindi na ito makapagdudulot ng anumang panganib — kaya ikaw na lamang pipili, gagawin mo ba itong pabigat sa iyong ngayon, o alaalang nakatutuwang paminsan-minsa’y masarap balikan nang may ngiti sa iyong labi?

Having said that, ibang kuwento na siguro naman ang ngayon at bukas. Sana ay may natutunan ka rin sa mga nangyari. But let wisdom get to you in its proper time. Tama ka, for now, agenda number one is to move on. Think only thoughts that can help you with this. Regret will not help, melancholy maybe not too… perhaps close that chapter with happiness and gratitude? Baka this one will work better. What do you think?

Bilang panghuli, tama ka this site is mostly covering LGBTQ issues. Your story though is a testament that LGBTQ issues are not very different from straight men and women’s issues. Tulad mo nagmamahal din kami. Tulad mo minsan tila ba nagkakamali din at kailangan ng suporta.

I wish you clarity of mind and goodness of heart, so you can realize that the starting point of any healing process is loving one’s self. Sending you much love and healing light.

Migs

Comments (19)

  1. jakki alexandra said on 29-09-2015

    hi sugar, id say we’re in a similar situation, simply put, ako’y babaeng bakla. i get massages from male therapists as much as i can because i yearn for that touch that my complicated situation has deprived me of – where i cant be in a healthy relationship with someone without consequences, and probably because no one with even slight potential is in sight. which i am thankful for, i have enough to deal with.. so, i have found comfort in the wonderful touch of male therapists.. at first, i admit i had those feelings too, which, to be honest is totally out of character for me. i did daydream, looking back, i am thankful i didnt actually fall. anyway, sugar, we are in a tough situation. the least we could do is enjoy the moment, give just enough that it doesnt hurt, and take as much as we can! we probably felt infatuated because, well, for me, to be touched by someone other than who i am with, to be intimate with someone is quite a big deal. but we also have to keep in mind that these guys do just that for a living. although there might be one or two who was able to take more than i was willing to give, isip ko nalang tulong ko nalang yun, along with some career advice, moral support. so, you can either keep hurting, or make yourself happy..yeah, deep inside there is a very small voice nagging at me for what i do, but i need to keep my sanity haha. message me we can be buddies hahaha tc

  2. Alexander said on 26-09-2015

    I’m actually new here and I just saw this site now. I’ve read your story and I think you don’t need na magsisi or feel bad about what happened. Nagmahal ka lang and you tried to give him a chance and for you to feel how to be loved. Unfortunately, you got the wrong guy. Your friends were right and real. Try to listen to them because they might also experienced the same thing before. Never pa ako nakapagpaMasage actually sa mga spa na may ES and sa guy. Maybe I’m a bit afraid to go and have one But I just want to be make sure my safety. I think you don’t have to look for your man. Try to wait and have more patience kasi darating din yung para sayo… sa tamang oras, sa tamang panahon at sa tamang lugar. :-)

  3. SugarMomma said on 20-08-2015

    Hi Luther and Vince,

    There’s always the possibility that he took advantage of me. Oh well. Pero ngayon, narerealize ko na there’s no point second-guessing his intentions. Kung niloko man nya ako, it’s on him. Konsensya na nya yun, kasi wala naman akong ginawang masama sa kanya to deserve that. Sya lang naman makakapagsabi kung ano talaga ang ginawa nya. It’s not my burden to bear anymore. Sabi nya, hindi naman daw nya ako niloko, i’ll just take his word for it. Naniniwala pa rin naman kasi ako na mabuti syang tao, pero ang kaibahan lang, alam ko na ngayon not to make the same mistakes again. Mas guarded na ako this time around.

    Blasphemous, yun na nga lang ang iniisip ko. Ang mahalaga, alam kong nagmahal ako ng totoo. Sabi nga ni Ernesto Cardinals (as translated in Tagalog c/o Berso sa Metro) :

    Nang mawala ka sa akin, ikaw at ako’y nawalan;
    Ako dahil ikaw ay minahal ko nang lubusan
    At ikaw dahil ako ang sa iyo’y lubusang nagmahal.
    Ngunit sa ating dalawa ay ikaw ang higit na nawalan
    Dahil pwede kong mahalin ang iba tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa yo,
    Ngunit ika’y di mamahalin nang kung paano kita minahal.

    Yun lang po. Bow!

  4. Blasphemous said on 11-08-2015

    Hi, nabasa ko lng story mo and para sakin as long as minamahal mo ng totoo yung tao it’s true love. At sa tingin ko naramdaman mo din sakanya. Yung love na yun. Nag da doubt ka lng dahil nga sa naipagpalit ka sa iba. And that begins you questioning yung love. Love is not enough (cliche) pero totoo naman. And naniniwala ako na you give everything na kaya mo. Hindi ka nagkulang. Its just that people always search/look for a better even if they already have the best for them. Move on with life. You only live once.

  5. luther said on 11-08-2015

    Isip isip din ha

  6. Vince Uy said on 27-07-2015

    You want an honest opinion? It’s not real, by just reading this article, any third person point of view would have already known that the guy was just using you. See in the first place, you should have not provided him with any material benefits, by then you’ll know if he’ll stay with you or not. Have you tried to say no?

  7. doppelgangerz said on 09-07-2015

    Dear Sugar Momma,

    Halos parehas tayo ng pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan…sa akin guy naman, 1 year ang relationship namin, then dumating din ang ex gf nya, at ipinagpalit ako. Super saya ko nung kami, mahal na mahal ko yung taong yun, at pakiramdam ko nga ay sya na talaga. it was the most happiest days of my life,,,pero it became the most painful days of my life simula nung naging wala kami. He left me hanging, mas masakit…kasi hanggang sa huli dinedeny nya na sila ng gf nya, when in fact nalaman ko na sila na talaga kasi live in na sila. Sabi nya magkikita pa rin kami at after 2 years babalikan ako, kaya sobrang hirap nung time na yun. walang closure! everyday umaasa ako…grabe…i became sick, depression, lagi sya nasa isip ko, etc. then hindi na sya nagparamdam totally, which i think helped para makalimutan ko sya. 2 years passed, nabawasan na ang love ko sa kaniya, pero i think meron pa kaunti.

    ang maipapayo ko sayo is just let it go. find a new happiness. napagdaanan ko ang mga pinagdadaanan mo ngayon…ang hirap, sobra…pero, liligaya ka rin ulit. tama ang sabi nila, remember the good things and happy times…pero mas ok kung kalimutan mo na, kung kaya mo erase lahat para mas maka move on ka…

    • SugarMomma said on 23-07-2015

      Hi Doppelganger,
      Mahirap talaga magmove on pag walang closure. Minsan may mga tao talagang madamot sa ganyang aspeto. They’ll keep you hanging para kung di mag work yung isa, susubukan nila baka pwede ka pang balikan. But we deserve better than that, d ba? Kung ayaw nila ibigay, tayo na lang maglagay ng tuldok.

      And you’re right, better n din yung walang paramdam. At least unti unti, we get to realize that we can survive without them.

      Thank you for letting me feel that I’m not alone in this. :) it’s never easy, but I’m sure we’ll get over this. maybe we’ll find someone new or maybe kahit wala pang dumating na iba, we’ll be able to find happiness.

  8. igcseguy said on 29-06-2015

    Dear SugarMomma

    Okay lang yan! ganyan talaga ang buhay.. Masarap at mahirap… iinom natin yan pagdating ko ng pinas heheheh…. Migs thank you for giving me lesson for what i did before. Now I’m okay and happy to delete my yellow apps thans

    • SugarMomma said on 30-06-2015

      Hi igcseguy! Habang tumatagal, umo-ok na ako. I’ve come to terms with the reality na ganun nga talaga ang buhay. Walang mistakes, only lessons learned. I hope, ikaw din, nakapag-introspect na at nalilinawan na sa kung paano mag deal sa conflict na nararamdaman mo. I know each of us is meant to find happiness, sa kung anong form man dumating. Buti na lang din, marami tayong karamay at madaming tumutulong sa atin na iprocess lahat ito, hindi lang friends pero pati well-meaning strangers that we meet along the way, tulad ng mga tao dito. :)

      Cheers to happiness!

  9. random null said on 26-06-2015

    Para kay SugarMomma

    Ang pag-gamit mo ba ng panglang ito, ay nagpapahiwatig ng iyong damdamin? Na ikaw ay ay nagamit, at nagparaya naman?

    Mahirap sagutin kung tutuo nga at pagibig ang iyong naramdaman. Maari din naman kasi ito’y infatuation lamang. Hindi mo sinabi kung gaano kayo katagal na naging kayo, marami pang detalyeng wala sa kuwento mo.

    Pero, higit sa lahat, ganito na lang ang isipin mo. Naging masaya ka ba noong kayong dalawa ang nagkasama? Kung oo, isipin mong naging masuwerte ka. Kung pakiramdam mo ay niloko ka niya noong mga panahon na ‘yon, ang tandaan mo ang iyong damdamin at kasiyahan ay tutuo naman. Pero, tapos na ‘to. Panahon na para mag-move on.

    Hindi sinasabing madali ito. Pero, sarado na ang kabanatang ‘yon. Alalahanin ang mga naging masasayang pagkakataon. Tumawa ka. Umiyak. Pero tandaang tapos na ‘yon.

    At, hindi ako naniniwalang meron Mr. or Ms. Right. You become the right person because you choose to be one.

    • SugarMomma said on 28-06-2015

      Hi Random Null!

      Sa totoo lang, sa puntong ito, hindi ko rin masasagot ang tanong mo. I think this experience left me with more questions than answers. Pero masasabi ko naman na naging masaya ako sa mga sandaling pinagsamahan namin at siguro nga dapat ko na lang din ipagpasalamat ang mga iyon.

      Move on at tapusin na ang kabanata nya sa buhay ko – – dito siguro ako dapat mag focus. It’s so hard to let go; lalo na’t aminado akong hindi ko mapatay-patay ang hope na baka sakali, baka balang araw, pwede pa ring mag work yung sa amin.

      • random null said on 29-06-2015

        Don’t make it any harder for yourself. If you keep on harping on those what-ifs, you’ll find it harder to let go. Accept where you’re at right now. Maybe, someday understanding can happen, but you don’t need understanding to achieve acceptance.

        The issues your friends raised about social class is irrelevant. It’s no different from saying why get somebody younger/older/sexy/fat/tall/short/ad infinitum. Yung label like “masahista lang” is a stupid generalization. We sometimes fall for people not because of what they do, have or don’t have, but because of their beingness. Walang kinalaman sa social class ang bagay na ‘yan. Kahit nga baluktot na grammar wala ding kinalaman sa beingness.

        I believe that friends help gain different perspectives about our world. Kasi, we sometimes get blind-sided. We ask them for their advise (or sometimes they come unsolicited), but we’re not obligated to heed them.

        Good luck. Do what you love, and don’t worry about love. Love will find itself to you.

      • random null said on 29-06-2015

        If you have the time, try to read this: http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/04/29/david-whyte-consolations-words/

        There are just too many wise words of comfort that I couldn’t just pick one. So, please, indulge yourself. :)

      • SugarMomma said on 30-06-2015

        Salamat sa link, Random Null. Nakakatulong din to know that we are never alone at laging may mga nakahandang dumamay :)

        I address ko lang din sana yung Comment about making generalizations. Hindi ko lang din mabblame yung friends ko about their masahista remarks, kasi may mga ginawa din talaga si guy na consistent with the usual stereotypes kaya din sila nakapagbitiw ng mga ganung salita. Kahit papaano, naimpluwensyahan din ng culture ng trabaho niya yung character nya kaya nya nagawa yung mga bagay na yun. Hindi ko na lang din idedetalye, tapos na din naman at napatawad ko na sya dun. Alam ko naman na the things he did does not define him as a person.

        Ngayon, nasa stage na ako ng acceptance. Wala na ngang point mag dwell sa mga what ifs. Quota na ako sa drama, and I’m ready to move forward.

        Muli, maraming salamat sa malasakit!

  10. SugarMomma said on 26-06-2015

    Thank you, Migs for your sage and comforting words. Siguro nga, looking at everything through the lens of happiness and gratitude is the best way to move forward.

    I admit, medyo nahihirapan pa din talaga ako because I can’t help but feel tinges of bitterness every now and then. But for the most part, it’s the uncertainty which brings me down and holds me back. Somehow, I just want to know if naging totoo ba talaga yung relasyon namin at any given point or ginamit lang ako. Then again, irrelevant na din siguro yun at this point. I just have to accept na nangyari na ang lahat and I may never get the answers I am looking for. At least, there are valuable lessons I learned from this experience.

    Until now, I still care for him , probably even love him still. I still wonder how he is doing. I still wonder at times if I made the right decision of stepping back instead of fighting for what we had. Nanghihinayang pa rin siguro ako with what could have been. He has so much potential and I fear that without me there to guide him, he may never realize that potential. I know it’s the messianic complex in me that is talking and I must accept that it’s not my responsibility to “save” him from his current circumstances. Too much pride on my part. Ang yabang ko naman.

    Pero alam ko din naman that all these thoughts “what ifs” and “what could have beens” are not helping me in the process of moving on. Pero, it’s a process nga. I know I have to go through all these stages and as you said, wait fro the wisdom to get to me, before I can fully heal.

    Mahirap lang din kasi, dahil this was my first relationship kaya hindi pa ako sanay na pagdaanan lahat ito.

    Tama din kayo ni Cruiser Dude. I must learn to love myself. I must learn to acknowledge the fact that I deserve happiness and I deserve to be loved.

    In the end, I am still lucky to be surrounded by friends who still love me unconditionally, despite all my drama.

    Tama ka, Migs, these friends are true friends, kaya harsh na sila. In fairness to them, I understand where they are coming from and I know that they have my best interests in mind in helping me deal with this. Alam lang din nila na minsan, cariƱo brutal na ang kailangan para matauhan na din ako.

    Pasasaan ba, mairaraos ko din to.

    Migs and Cruiser Dude, maraming salamat ulit. Dama ko ang malasakit ninyong dalawa.

    To moving on. healing and happiness, cheers!

    • Cruiser Dude said on 29-06-2015

      Dear SugarMomma, you are more than welcome, pagdating sa pag-ibig hindi tayo laging makakasiguro sa tagumpay, ang pinakamahalaga ay nagmahal tayo at naging maligaya sa isang yugto ng ating pag-ibig. Moving on and loving yourself is the best thing that you can do – kung minsan pinagsasaraduhan tayo ng pintuan pagdating sa pag-ibig, tandaan mo na laging may bukas na pintuan para sa ating totoong kaligayan. Sa pinakamadilim na bahagi ng hatinggabi, andun din ang pinakamalapit ng bukang liwayway at ‘yun ang taong totoong magmamahal sa iyo ng totoo. But never afraid to love again, as love is the greatest.

  11. Cruiser Dude said on 25-06-2015

    Hi, SugarMomma, napakasarap basahin ng iyong kasaysayan, para akong nagbabasa ng isang telenovela na may mapait na katapusan. Hindi mo kasalanan ang magmahal, ang pagmamahal ay dumarating na lamang gaya ng isang magnanakaw sa mga sandaling hindi mo inaasahan. Marahil, ang nararapat mo na lamang gawin ay pulutin ang mga yugto ng mga masasayang sandali kay masahista, at iwan ang malungkot na katapusan ng iyong pagmamahal sa kanya. Sabi nga ni Migs, “move on”, ang katotohanang hindi ikaw ang pinili n’ya ay nangangahulugang hindi ka niya tunay na mahal. Huwag kang tanga, malawak ang karagatan at maraming isda dito. Paumanhin sa aking pananalita, truth hurts but it will set you free. Iyakan mo ito ng todo sa kandungan ng iyong mga tunay na kaibigan, pagkatapos ay punasan mo ang iyong mga luha at sabihin mo sa iyong sarili. “I still deserve to be happy and I will be stronger one next time”. Umiyak na rin ako ng todo, nanggaling na rin ako sa iyong kinalagyan subalit naging matatag ako. Kadalasan kahit pinakamatalinong tao nabobobo pagdating sa pag-ibig subalit tandaan mo na inilagay ng Diyos ang ating utak na mas mataas kesa sa puso. Minsan kelangan natin gamitin ang isipan pagdating sa pagmamahal. Ang pag-ibig ay isang sugal, hindi mo malalaman kung mananalo ka nga o matatalo. Subalit ang pinakamagandang bahagi nito ay nagmahal ka ng totoo at ipinaramdam mo iyon sa kanya. Naghihintay pa rin ang taong tunay na dapat paglaanan mo niyan, si Mr. Right, and’yan lamang siya at naghihintay sa iyo. Cheer up and rejoice dahil and’yan pa rin ang iyong mga kaibigan na tunay na nagmamahay sa iyo.

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