I know your blog generally tackles mostly LBGTQ issues and concerns. I am a heterosexual woman. Nonetheless, I felt that I could share this concern with you.
I thought of writing you because I fell in love with this male massage therapist whom I came across through your blog. Long story short, I saw your blogs about him and I got infatuated with him, so much so that I decided to get a massage from him.
The decision to get a massage from him was out-of-character to say the least because I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of having a masseur touch me, much less caress me, especially given that the massage the Spa offers is more than the usual massage I get from my regular spas.
When I finally got the massage, it was more than the usual routine. Without me asking for it, he gave me the “extra service” I only ever heard about from my gay friends. He was ever the gentleman and ensured my comfort all throughout.
After the massage, he started texting me. Given my infatuation, I entertained him. He eventually asked me out on a date. My friends, especially my gay friends, cautioned me against getting into something serious with him considering our circumstances. They warned me that there is always the danger of being made a sugar mommy and of the therapist taking advantage of me for material reasons. I told them that I am a big girl and I can handle it. I was wrong.
We eventually started dating and at the time, I felt that we had something real. Of course, there were several instances where he asked me for material favors, and I obliged because I decided to trust him. I fell in love with him, and he told me that he loved me too. He would constantly tell me that he needed me in his life that he was learning so much from me and that he felt that I could give his life direction. I was ready to build a life with him. But it suddenly ended. His ex walked back into the picture. I decided to step back knowing that there were things his ex could give him that I could not. We parted ways. It was an amicable separation, or at least I’d like to believe that it was. I knew that he had valid reasons for choosing the ex over me and I told him that I understood.
Up to now, I am still in the process of moving on and I am still hurting. I still have so many questions left unanswered and these questions prevent me from fully letting go. I have friends who help me through the process, but I know that it’s getting exhausting for them to listen to me over and over.
At least two of my friends, both of whom are gay and both of whom regularly get massages with and without the ES, would scold me about how I am letting this affect me so intensely. They tell me: “Mamimili ka lang kasi ng magiging karelasyon, masahista pa.” Implying that what we had was probably not something real: that I was played and that I was taken advantage of. I keep playing the memories of us over and over in my mind to try to ascertain whether lokohan lang ba talaga ang lahat, or if he truly loved me and cared for me. My friends keep telling me to stop justifying him. They tell me that in the line of business of these masseurs, they have the ability to make one believe that they truly cared. Kumbaga, likas na sa kanila ang manloko at mambola. But I refuse to believe this because in the time we spent together, I got to know him. I know that he is a good person and I cannot believe that he had it in him to play me like he did and hurt me in the process. Or maybe, as my friends would tell me, blinded lang ako.
So I guess the reason why I am writing you is because I want to know whether in your opinion, it could have ever been real? Or are my friends right about him? Under our circumstances, which started out as a client-therapist relationship, was there ever really a chance that he really did care for me? That he did love me? Or tanga lang ba talaga ako?
Thank you for your time.
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Your friends seem to be true friends as they are quite harsh! Haha! Real friends yata are like that talaga noh? Kung sino pa ang kaibigan, siya pa ang masakit magsalita — siguro kasi may grain of truth. But may I say something? Based on your letter, you are very articulate and I tend to see you as someone smart and wise. When someone smart commits a seeming mistake, tanga na ba siya agad? Baka naman puwedeng nagkamali lang?
And even that thought, I challenge. Pagkakamali nga ba ang ma-in love ka sa isang masahista? It’s not right to generalize –masahista yan, peperahan ka lang niyan– yet I am sure there is a grain of truth in this generalization. Pero paano na yung mga maliligayang sandali na naidulot ng mga pagkakataong magkasama o magkausap kayo? Mali na ba ang lahat ng iyon? Walising parang kalat, ipunin sa dustpan, at ibasura lahat-lahat kasama ng mapait na katotohanang pinili niya ang ex niya imbes na ikaw? What use is demonizing those little sparks of happiness that made those days wonderful and worth living?
Ang nakaraan ay nakaraan, at kahit ano pa ang sabihin nila, ikaw lamang ang makapagdedesisyon kung papaano mo siya gustong alalahanin. Bilang mapait na karanasan? Maantang pagkakamali? O nakaraang puno ng masasaya (at masasarap) na pagkakataon? Bilang nakaraan, hindi na ito makapagdudulot ng anumang panganib — kaya ikaw na lamang pipili, gagawin mo ba itong pabigat sa iyong ngayon, o alaalang nakatutuwang paminsan-minsa’y masarap balikan nang may ngiti sa iyong labi?
Having said that, ibang kuwento na siguro naman ang ngayon at bukas. Sana ay may natutunan ka rin sa mga nangyari. But let wisdom get to you in its proper time. Tama ka, for now, agenda number one is to move on. Think only thoughts that can help you with this. Regret will not help, melancholy maybe not too… perhaps close that chapter with happiness and gratitude? Baka this one will work better. What do you think?
Bilang panghuli, tama ka this site is mostly covering LGBTQ issues. Your story though is a testament that LGBTQ issues are not very different from straight men and women’s issues. Tulad mo nagmamahal din kami. Tulad mo minsan tila ba nagkakamali din at kailangan ng suporta.
I wish you clarity of mind and goodness of heart, so you can realize that the starting point of any healing process is loving one’s self. Sending you much love and healing light.