Hi Kuya Migs!
I identify myself as a young closeted *confused* lad, jacking off to numerous gay porn, fantasizing big (chubby/muscular) bodies etc, reading some gay fanfiction. movies about gay life etc. but I just really cannot connect or being friends with guys.
Everytime I am seeing a guy,regardless of where I am right now (In freshman year in college somewhere in Taft) my first impression ko sa kanila was the arrogant & cocky type, yung tipong mahilig mang-trip/mang-asar ng ibang tao. Also pala, yung mga typical interests ng mga boys, like online gaming, dota, some anime, basketball, sports, cars etc. never nakong nagkaroon ng interest.
And everytime some guy/manong calls me “pare”, “boss”, “brad” etc. I cringe… I really don’t know why. Maybe that I’ve developed some form of misandry or an identity crisis that I had experienced since my elementary days, where almost no boy wants to befriend me. I only had girls as my friends since then. Nagtuloy-tuloy ito during my highschool days, where most of guys in my age visit computer shops & playing basketball but I never had any interests in those things, as in wala talaga, hindi ako mag-clclick sa kanila (baka pati na rin sa inyo).
And the result is, wala akong naging kaibigan na mga lalaki ever since. Dahil nga, how can I be friends with them if I really do not have a common interest with them, e ano paguusapan natin?
And sadly, i’m really attracted physically & sexually to guys, gusto ko na nga maging babae eh.. 😛
I need some answers about my real identity is… wag kayong magagalit o maoffend sa mga words na nabasa nyo. 🙂
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Don’t get stuck with the idea that you can only befriend boys if you are interested in the same things boys usually like. It’s okay not to like online gaming, anime, basketball, sports, etc. You don’t need to like what they supposedly like. Just like what you like, which means, be authentic and be yourself. You will see that this will eventually lead you to people you can be friends with.
You say no boy wants to befriend you? I am almost 100% sure that this is not true. Why would they not want to befriend you? I suspect this is just in your mind. Open the locked gates of your mind, and people will come in. Maybe not in throngs but in trickles. How do you open? You start by being honest with yourself, and by daring to be who you really are. That is an act of courage. I tell you, regardless of one’s sexual orientation, a lot of people struggle on this point. Accept who you are, and that will bring you lots of comfort internally. Little by little, you will see that this comfort will express itself in spontaneity, in lots of smiles and laughters, optimism, and cheerfulness. These are traits that welcome people. Have you met people (girls or boys) whose company feels very positive and light? Yung tinatawag na “ang gaan dalhin”? Exactly what I’m talking about. When you have the courage to embrace your whole self, you like yourself, this happens.
I guess I’ll stop there — try it out. See for yourself. Trust that there is magic in loving oneself. And one last thing – do not wait for boys to befriend you. Go befriend them.
Love and light and world peace!
P.S. On the question of your identity — we can tackle that later. Relax and just be. No labels muna. When you are fully comfortable with who you really are, that is the best place from where to identify yourself. That topic is called SOGIE (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity and Expression). When you reach that stage of acceptance, you can start reading on this. Just google SOGIE 🙂