I just want to share this with you.
I never did something sexually before. Though I am on the right age (I think), I choose not to because.. reasons. (I am still in the closet. I think my friends and family may have an idea… but I am not out yet.)
But today, I did it with someone I did not imagine that I will do it with. I can’t even write this down because of regret… You know those young boys on the streets that offers you “massage?” He is one of them. He keeps bugging me every time he sees me. I never thought that I will entertain him but I REALLY DON’T KNOW why I did this time.
We did it in a very dark place… and the place is not nice at all. I thought of backing out when we were there but I did not. I feel stupid. I know that after this he will ask for money, which makes me feel even worse because why did I let that happen?? After he did the deed (blowjob. yeah I can’t even type it.), I actually felt that I am going to hell. Realizing it now… I never felt pleasure when he did it.
I think I will not feel this way if I have lost my virginity with someone I really liked… but yeah I realized it the hard way. I’m just sad that I let this happen to myself. I actually felt that I was not gay for a minute because of how regretful I am. Haha. When I got home I feel like crying but I can’t.
I don’t know what to ask from you, I don’t even know if I am seeking for advice, I am just sharing. Though do you have any thoughts on this that may lift up my mood? Because I don’t really know what to feel and what to do.
– Aaron. (obviously not my real name)