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Dear Migs,

I just want to share this with you.

I never did something sexually before. Though I am on the right age (I think), I choose not to because.. reasons. (I am still in the closet. I think my friends and family may have an idea… but I am not out yet.)

But today, I did it with someone I did not imagine that I will do it with. I can’t even write this down because of regret… You know those young boys on the streets that offers you “massage?” He is one of them. He keeps bugging me every time he sees me. I never thought that I will entertain him but I REALLY DON’T KNOW why I did this time.

We did it in a very dark place… and the place is not nice at all. I thought of backing out when we were there but I did not. I feel stupid. I know that after this he will ask for money, which makes me feel even worse because why did I let that happen?? After he did the deed (blowjob. yeah I can’t even type it.), I actually felt that I am going to hell. Realizing it now… I never felt pleasure when he did it.

I think I will not feel this way if I have lost my virginity with someone I really liked… but yeah I realized it the hard way. I’m just sad that I let this happen to myself. I actually felt that I was not gay for a minute because of how regretful I am. Haha. When I got home I feel like crying but I can’t.

I don’t know what to ask from you, I don’t even know if I am seeking for advice, I am just sharing. Though do you have any thoughts on this that may lift up my mood? Because I don’t really know what to feel and what to do. 🙁

– Aaron. (obviously not my real name)

Comments (3)

  1. Toto said on 19-12-2016

    Dear Aaron (obviously not your real name),

    Hello! It’s refreshing to read your letter.

    I think you’re problem is you are in denial of your true nature, and that is, you are a homosexual man who have biological and emotional needs, that are yet to be fulfilled. It seems that you attempted to do it with a random person from the street in a very dark place, because of the said needs, and eventually got disappointed.

    Well, let me tell you, there is no such thing as love at first fuck, it just happens in the movies. More often than not, true love and great sex do not come in one package. Sometimes you meet a guy whom you have an emotional connection with and genuinely love, but later find out that you have no sexual chemistry at all. And it could also happen that you’re going to experience the best mind-blowing sex of your life from a one-night stand, who do not care about you after orgasm. If and when your knight in shining armor comes with both, then maybe you’ve found a unicorn, you would be the rarest and luckiest gay ever.

    However, do not lose hope. Ask yourself, what it is that you really want and which is more important, love or sex? Sexual gratification do not come instantly. You have to experience it many times from different partners and be really adventurous, before realizing what makes you feel really good. And you must also be willing to give and service your partner, to be reciprocated equally. Don’t be ridiculously religious about it, what with the “going to hell” that you wrote, just let it go, let it go. Love is a never ending journey, you’ll only get to meet your one true love, when you’re ready. It means that you have to experience two or more relationships before you get to that point. It’s a lot of work.

    Life is short, make the most of it. Admit who and what you are, and if you feel like you want to come out to the people you care about, do it at the right time, don’t rush it.

    Having said all that, BE VERY CAREFUL, have protection at all times. You wouldn’t want to end up with diseases that are preventable. Good luck.

  2. Kian said on 11-12-2016


    You seem confused perhaps with a certain degree of fear.I’m no expert but if you need someone to listen, I’m all ears.


  3. bertie said on 04-12-2016

    Relax. Just think of it as one of those experiences that you needed to have so you will have an idea of what you really want. Give it some time then once your mind is clearer about things then you start thinking about things. Ask your self, did you enjoy it? or maybe you needed to make it memorable by dong it with someone that you really like. Think about the details of your interaction as well. Are you more of a top person or a bottom person? Do you enjoy giving head or you just want to be the “suckee”. It might be a bad experience for you but it still is an experience so take the positive stuff and move on from there. Life is short so do not let moments (esp. dark ones like this) hold you back from living the life that you really want. Next time resolve to do it in a much better place with the person that you like. We all make silly mistakes once in awhile. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

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