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Hi Migs,

I never had an idea about you and your blog——until I bought one of your books out of curiosity.
Then I started to visit your blog and realized that I am not alone…that there are gay guys I can relate to. Just a different name, different sizes and different identities but we belong in just one community.

Here’s my story, I grew up in province and I used to be this effeminate gay guy until college. After graduation I decided to find a job here in Manila, and I don’t know why but I decided to change myself—-I mean, my preferences about everything. I started working out, bought new clothes and tried my best to really make myself look presentable and manly. I did all these things because I thought, that by becoming more manly, It’ll be easier for me to meet someone… someone I can call my partner.

I am laidback kind of guy and I love deep talks. I don’t do sex with anyone I just met, because I know that sex is easier to get these days. My rule when it comes to dating is—no sex on a first date, but kiss is okay hahaha. I look presentable, I have a stable job and I think I know how to handle a relationship. In fact, I’m not the clingy type and em matured enough but for some reason, I don’t understand why I am still single.

I have few friends who’s effeminate, some of them are not so good looking but they never have to deal with the dilemma that I am facing for the longest time. Yes, they have boyfriends/partner. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them too, I just don’t get the idea why am I still single. What’s wrong with me? Am I too old school? Am I boring? Am I too stiff? Or this is my destiny?

Is it too early for me to accept the possibility that I might stay single in this life?

– HT

* * *

Dear HT,

It was some time ago when I also believed that attractiveness relies on one’s being manly. Now, 11 years since I started this blog, this idea has gotten much less valid. I know that for some people, they still really prefer guys who are “straight-acting” or discreet. I know a lot of gay men who do not subscribe to this notion.

Attracting a potential partner is definitely more than just being manly. Or being effeminate. A lot of people are discovering that choosing a partner based on just this one variable doesn’t really work. Try to look at other qualities.

For me, attractiveness is about the energy you radiate–if your energy is about being more open, non-judgemental, secure about yourself, optimistically looking at the future and being thankful about today, etc then it would be easier for you to meet like-minded individuals.

Good luck HT!

Migs

Comments (4)

  1. probnsyana said on 31-07-2017

    Hi HT, i’m an effem ever since. Unlike you i dated and had flings with few guys but atm i consider myself single coz most of em are straight who’ll never fall in love w/ a gay like me.
    However, compared to others, i’m good looking yet a bit conventional kasi promdi…which i think my struggle in getting a ‘real’ relationship and although most of the time I was the 1 being chased by them…it always ends up as a failure. Idky? Maybe look for some1 na pa -discreet like U instead of str8 guys. D gaya ko?

  2. JADED said on 22-05-2017

    And sorry I got a bit carried away with the looong comment. I just finished watching How to be Single (Dakota Johnson) before seeing this post and it really hit a spot. You should try watching it too, HT. You can be Lucy and I Alice. haha?

  3. JADED said on 22-05-2017

    Hi HT and Migs,

    I feel like this is something I would have written myself. I am now at the point where I almost see my chance of being able to share myself with someone intimately again, slowly going by. I have been too accustomed to being single for a good part of my adult life that it sort of leaves a small room for regret. Either that or maybe I’m just doing a fantastic job at convincing myself that I’m all right.
    And maybe I’m not… entirely, realizing now that I just said what I just said, which is a bit pathetic.

    So if you don’t mind, I’d like to share my story with you.

    See I’d been hard on myself, and to others. After just a couple of failed relationships, I accepted I would not be any good for anyone and to anyone. I had issues, primarily my not being open. And then there it was that I rushed in to a relationship with the first guy who came my way, without really thinking about it, and so eventually and shortly after, I had a falling out. I ended up hurting him.

    After about a year it happened again. After the first date, we were a couple. Same thing, after a few months I found myself thinking about what I led myself into. And then I was gone.

    It was too convenient for me to leave because then I thought I realized I really wasn’t ready, and it felt like it was too crowded when there were two of you inside the closet. So I had to shove them out.

    I never said anything to the both of them, I just disappeared. One day we were the picture of a nice pair, the next day I was nowhere to be found. They didn’t have any clue. Those were the cruelest jokes I ever made.

    I learned about their pains, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t want to be back and let them in again.

    After the break up with the second, I got scared. Scared of being outed, scared of hurting someone again, and especially scared that karma would catch me and give me a taste of what I just served to those unfortunate guys.

    I began to see the dangers I put myself and the other person in. The second guy was so crushed at what I did that (when we got to talk a few months after, he said) he attempted to take his life. Maybe it wasn’t true, maybe he just said it to try to get us back again. But who knows. Even without him telling me that, the guilt was just so consuming.

    I lost trust in myself, which I probably didn’t have at all to begin with.

    And that started my journey to singlehood. I swore to never put myself in another situation that I know I could not handle. I slowly diverted all my attention to all the other aspects in my life.

    First there are my friends. They unknowingly helped me realize I may not be all that bad after all. That when I feel I trust them as much as the way I do, then I know I must have done something right. That I am capable of giving in my share of the pieces that can help build something meaningful which cannot be broken down so easily.

    And there’s my work. I have always seen myself as weak, with no real sense of purpose. But luck had it that I get a job that I saw I might be good at and interested in, and so the focus was not so hard to summon. I continued to learn and improve, and I’d like to think I’m now getting a fair return of my labor.

    And finally, my family. I try as much as I can to provide for them. I go home almost every weekend just because I know they want me there. I want to be with them too,  of course, but beyond the usual casual conversations, I still feel uncomfortable. I have never been open with them. I just can’t bring it up. They probably have the idea but no one’s talking about it. They have been the primary reason why I gave up a part of what I am. I have this twisted idea trying hard to justify that I was a son first, and then a brother. I can give up being gay but I can never give up being a family. And you can say you can be all at the same time, yes, but it’s not even about the fear of them being dejected or me being rejected. I know no matter what they will take me with open arms. It’s my pride. I don’t know. It’s a work in progress.

    So now here I am. Still single.

    I just look back at what I was before and think, yes, I did the right thing in putting my heart inside a box and locking it up because I wasn’t ready to use it; with a slight pinch of disappointment I admit, but still.

    Am I ready now? Maybe. All I know is I am a better person than what I used to be; not by much, but still better. There are still doubts, fears and anxieties inside my head that I cannot simply shake off, but I now feel I deal with them as morally as I can.

    If there’s any point in everything that I just related, I guess it’s that being single may not always be such a bad thing depending on how you take it.

    It is not a happy ending the way you or I hoped it would be. As I said, I’m slowly losing sight of any chances, thinking I might have taken too long to wait. But it doesn’t mean I’m not happy! Happiness is too subjective. I learned to  appreciate what I have. I feel lonely at times but that doesn’t always equate to being sad.

    And what Migs has said are all true. But sometimes more than the words of wisdom and encouragement, as you said, people just need to know that there are others out there dealing with the same kind of these  everyday s**t, and somehow it makes it easier to carry on.

    –JADED
    (15 years single and counting)

    • HT said on 01-06-2017

      Hey Jaded,

      You survived 15 years of being single—which means you are strong enough to deal with the same dilema over and over again. Guest what? I met a guy two weeks ago and I realized that I really really like him. We spent whole sunday night exchanging stories and stuff… At that time I felt like I met the guy that will change my status from being single into someone who’ll be in a relationship soon. We have a lot of common grounds, we also have this instant connection and vibes that made us like soulmates who’s destined to cross paths that night. Ahhh…that night was sureal.

      So…I tried my best to pursue him but he made me feel that what we had was great but it also lasted on the same night. Yes—nasaktan na naman ako haha. But it was okay, it really is. At least I didnt settle with the world of “what if’s” because for the first time I had the courage to explore the world of “what is”.

      Now, I’m ready to date again. I mean, I am not really looking but if cupid will lead someone in my direction I will give it a shot. I guess that’s the ironic thing about love, you have to lay your cards and gamble again after you loose. Whi know’s, maybe this time around I…or shoukd I say We, We will win. Haha

      HT

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