Manila Gay Guy

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hi migs! Please help.

My best friend and i are both really hot guys (according to people)… We’re in great shape and straight. But we’ve started to have this weird attraction that both of us deny but we can’t seem to keep our hands off each other. Sometimes it gets sexual as we try to push each other’s limits, holding each other thighs jokingly. but we joke around talaga except what’s the line between joke o hindi?

- Ron Jr.

Dear Ron Jr.,

Whatever line you’re talking about, you have clearly crossed it. You’re confused now because you want to know if your friend also has, at least in his mind. And if you have the assurance that he indeed has, then you’ll push further and enjoy the goods. Is this just about right?

To tell you the truth, Ron, this exact thing happened to me before. My friend and I would sleep together (no sex), hang-out all the time, drink, laugh, and sometimes play-wrestle (yes touching here and there).

And where are we now? Hello, I’m now the Manila Gay Guy. And the other guy? He is a very successful corporate guy, still quite a looker but no lovelife, no GF, and he still says he’s straight. We’re still good friends till now. The last time I saw him he was in a coffee shop hanging out with 2 gay guys. He says he’s just not homophobic, that’s all. Hmmm.

I’m not saying what happened to me is the exact same thing that will happen to you. In fact I’d wish yours would go more for the “happy ending.”

And bottomline: Keep it up, and let things flow. Exciting, isn’t it?

World Peace! Mwah!

Migs

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When I was little, I memorized and repeatedly recited this little poem: “Mother, mother, I am sick. Call the doctor very quick! Doctor, doctor, shall I die? No, my darling, do not cry.” This same poem came back to mind as I received the following email from Dr. Ayedee Ace (not his real name). I include below our correspondence. Interesting. Read on, and share your thoughts.

hi migs,

i just want to ask your opinion regarding two experiences that i had. i won’t bother you with the details though.

i had a friend in college and who was also an org mate where we usually have meetings on friday afternoons after classes. this friend of mine was rumored to be gay, although he had girlfriends in the past. during the fridays when we didn’t have any afternoon classes, he would invite me to hang out at his apartment. one time we watched the whole “Angels in America” (an HBO series) on dvd. i wasn’t familiar with it, but eventually found out it was a gay-themed mini series. this friend of mine also had an apartment mate who, just a few years ago, came out of the closet.

i also had a room mate who i had no idea was gay. i eventually found out he was one when i walked in on him with another guy in our room (that’s another story). well, we had a talk about it. i evetually told him that i had no problem with him being gay, just as long as he gave me a heads up if he was having somebody around. anyway, i guess he got more comfortable with our living situation, he even invites me to watch episodes of “Queer as Folk” and the movie “Shortbus” on his laptop with him.

my questions are, in these two situations were my friend and room mate trying to:
1. find out if i was gay too?
2. win me over to the other side?
3. make a pass at me?

or am i just paranoid?

thanks, Ayedee Ace

Hi Ayedee Ace,

Thank you for sharing. You asked me, “am I paranoid?”

I don’t know. I can answer you better if you tell me more about yourself.

By the way, are you gay? Or have some doubts that maybe there is a
possibility you are?

Migs

hi migs,

first, let me just say that i think i just gave away my identity by emailing you with my actual email account. now you can just google my name and know how i look. how careless. but any way, let’s just keep my identity between the two of us.

about me – 26, physician by profession but currently teaching in a university, middle child, 3 brothers, over-achiever (dati)

anyway, the short answer is “it’s complicated”

when i was younger, i could definitely say straight – as in breasts, vaginas, the works.

but when i reached adolescence, that’s when things got a bit … different.

you see, i was abused by an uncle when i was around 4 or 5. he was around 13 or 14 at that time. the thing was, i didn’t know that that was an inappropriate thing to do to me until i was like 11 or 12 and read about stuff like that. all the while, i thought it was nothing, although i sort of had the understanding that it wasn’t a “normal” experience. and part of me felt guilty because at that age, i actually enjoyed it. even to this day, i can still remember the sensations, even the odors, of how things went the days i was actually abused. and somehow, the memories “excited” me. it was always at the back of my mind.

i think that was when things got complicated and i started imagining doing it with the same sex. i actually had an experience with a male cousin. i won’t go into any details, but let’s just say he was the initiator. but right now he’s already married. we actually sort of had a small talk about it and he just said “mga bata pa tayo nun. di natin alam ginagawa natin.”

anyway, currently, i think i’m bi (or maybe i’m just in denial) but i want to go back to being straight again (as if there is a magic pill that can actually do that).

well, i hope this bit of info will be enough.

thanks again, Ayedee Ace

Dear Dr. Ayedee Ace,

Your first letter struck me, because while you were asking questions about the meaning of your friends’ actions, I knew in my gut you had something else in mind. Well, as you yourself revealed in your second letter, indeed there was something else. That you are bisexual, perhaps “gay but in denial,” and is wanting to become straight if at all possible.

This is what I want to tell you: self-awareness is key. It is not about labeling — bi? gay? straight? confused? For now, I tell you, it does not matter. What matters is being more and more aware of your real self. What do you want? What does your inner self tell you?

You generously shared the story about your abusive past. I congratulate you for being honest and up front about it. It is the past, and you cannot go back to change anything. It is the past, yet it gives you some way to understand how you are right now. The challenge though is realizing the following: your past is not you. Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself, but you have a choice, you have the power of volition, and therefore can choose how your past would influence your present, and your future. You can choose to let your past be a prison cell, you can choose to let it be your scapegoat, you can choose to let it be your cloud of haze, or you can choose it to be just a story of how it was before, but not the continuing plot of your present and future story.

You are, as that poem/song says, “the captain of your ship.” And I repeat my invitation to be more self-aware. I believe awareness is self-correcting. In your journey, as you become more aware of where you are, and the direction your ship is sailing, you also become a more powerful captain, able to adjust your rudder, even bit by bit, and steer your ship to that place where you can be the best you can be.

Aye, aye, captain Ayedee! Your truth will guide you.

World Peace! – Migs

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Do you remember Ria? She is the very first woman MGG letter sender that I featured here in my blog. Her dilemma was about her husband who had a rich, gay lover. Her email to me was entitled “How can I compete with a rich gay man?” To refresh your memory, here’s her letter:

(For the full letter, click here.)

I thought of checking up on Ria, really curious about what has happened to her and her Ram. Here’s her letter to me.

Hi Migs,

I’m fine, and doing good, so far.

I’ve been trying to look for your blog and from what I saw months ago, if I remember it right, it was shut down. But now, with your message, I tried to look again and wow, you’re still on.

It was not a happily ever after. It was only early last year when I gave up on Ram and when I realized that he was never mine. And God knows how hard I prayed that he’ll choose me, but he didn’t. And worst, he didn’t make a choice. But I had to make one.

As for Ram and Andy, I do not know if they are still together. Ram’s in Dubai and I do not know if Andy still follows him there. Andy would do everything to stay and be with Ram.

Ram still emails me and we talk but I have never asked him about his personal relationships nor Andy.

I’m sorry but if I managed to find you last year, out of my anger and despair, I could have written you a letter lashing out selfish gay men. But I have accepted what happened and moved on. (Buti na lang kung hindi baka hate mail naipadala ko sa iyo. Hihi!)

I just hoped that my story would somehow enlighten some of your readers, who happens to be in my situation, whether straight or gay – that a third wheel in a relationship never works. And for some guys who happen to have married boyfriends, please think of the wife and her children. What you don’t know won’t hurt you – it is true up to some point, but when it comes out, it hurts a lot.

Btw, I wish I could write all the things that happened two years ago. But when I’m ready, I will.

Cheers,
Ria

PS: I’m dating a high school teacher now. He is not as handsome as Ram, (talagang may comparison eh noh? but he’s still single at 35, any chances that he’s gay? Haha!

Dear Ria,

The most important thing is that you “have accepted what happened and
moved on.” I think you really have — you’re dating na nga! Hehehe!

I wouldn’t say the guy you’re dating is gay — I think you have enough
experience to judge him for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck Ria. You deserve a good life.

All the best,
Migs

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Hello Migs,

Good day migs. Im a frequent visitor of MGG silently reading all of the posts that I can somehow relate but I never commented on any of them. This is the first time that i’ll be sharing my life with another person who i do not know. Well i think this is just a common scenario but somehow, i don’t know what to do…
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Hi Migs, I’m William (not my real name of course). I’m 18, studying at a prestigious university here in QC. Anyway, I have trouble in processing the fact that I’m gay.

Let’s just put it this way: the househelp found out my gay porn (I know, so lame of me), and now she knows that I’m gay, and now she’s pressuring me to ‘confess’ to her. Like she’s blackmailing me.This blackmailing has forced me to rethink who I really am. Am I gay? It’s just hard to process.
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Hi Migs, i discovered your blog two weeks ago when i started seeking for advise online. Please call me KUYA, i am 27 years old and working in a well-known company in ortigas, looks?not that good looking but many people find me sexy…(lol), i am into 4 1/2 years straight relationship and soon to be a loving husband.

I would like to ask something, i am seeking answers na hindi ko inakala sa gay community ko mahahanap..i mean hopefully mahanap.

I have adopted brothers they are twins actually, mula ng mamatay parents nila, kami na nag alaga, i was in grade school then (Grade 6), both are boys when their parents left them to us.Halos sa amin na sila lumaki, lahat ng merun ako merun din sila, my mom and dad treated them so well na as if tunay silang mga anak. I never wanted at first to be called as Kuya, i preferred to be called TITO instead…ewan ko bakit…time passed, halos nakikita ko na sila lumalaki…i was in highschool when one of the twins decided to move in my room, so roomates na kami nung isang adopted brother ko, i was 17 then at 9 years old na sila…the one who move into my room suddenly naging close kami, he wanna learned mga bagay ba alam ko(guitar, keyboard, drawings, etc), naging mas malambing xa sakin kesa sa isa nyang kaptid nya…we talked before going to sleep, he likes my choice of songs too…Sinamahan ko pa sila to have their ‘Tuli” and linisin ito everynight to heal.

(more…)

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Hi Migs,

Just call me TJ, 27 yrs old at kahit papano may itsura din naman daw ako. Lumaki ako probinsya, maayos din naman ang kabuhayan namin at kahit papano nakapag-aral at nakapagtapos ako sa isang de-kalibreng unibersidad sa amin.

Bata pa lang ako ay alam ko ng iba ako sa mga ordinaryong batang lalake, pero pilit kong itinago ang pagkatao ko sa kadahilanang takot akong mabugbog o malait ako ng aking pamilya o mga kamag anak ko. Sa katunayan po nyan ako lang yata ang bading sa aming lahi kaya super takot at tago ang pagiging bading ko. Sa aming lugar kasi parang isang malaking kasiraan o di tanggap ang tinatawag nilang third sex. Kaya ako naman ay itinago ko talaga ang pagka bading ko.

Ng magtapos ako ng college, pakiramdam ko ay malaya na ako dahil pinayagan na akong magign independent ng aking mga magulang at napadpad nga ako sa Manila, masasabi ko na sa syudad ng manila ko natikman ang lahat ng sarap at hirap. 22 years old ako ng una akong makaranas ng same-sex, although nung college ako ay nakatikim din ako ng sex sa opposite sex at sigurado ako na pag nalaman ng mga naging xgf ko ang pagiging bading ko ay siguradong maloloka sila sa akin.

Nag aral ako ng abogasya at awa naman ng Dyos naka graduate din ako. Sa school namin marami ang katulad ko na patago din ang pagiging berde. May naka on ako sa kanila at ok naman, buti nalang di kami natsismis kasi pareho naman kaming nag iingat na mabulgar ang aming relasyon.

Ang problema ko sa ngayon ay gusto ko ng mag OUT sa family ko kasi kinukulit na nila akong mag asawa na kasi balak nila akong patakbuhin sa nalalapit na eleksyon. Sabi ng Tatay ko mas maganda daw pag mag asawa muna ako bago ako pumasok sa pulitika para maganda daw ang image ko sa tao as a family man. Gusto ko ng mag Out ng ako ay nagbakasyon sa pinas kaso naudlot ang plano ko dahil naunahan ako ng takot sa aking pamilya.

Kumakain kami nuon sa aming bahay at kumpleto ang family ko kaso biglang nabulol ang dila ko ng biglang mapag usapan ang nalalapit na eleksyon. kaya imbes na makapag out na ako diko na naituloy.

Natatakot akong pasukin ang mundo ng pulitika sa kadahilanang baka gamitin ng makakalaban ko ang aking pagiging bading, ayaw ko rin na makita ako sa TV sakaling manalo ako ng mga naka sex ko na dati, my gosh baka matsismis ako at ma blind item sa mga dyaryo. diko yata kaya.

Sana matulungan mo ako kung pano ang magandang gawin para makapg OUT ako sa aking pamilya bago ako tumakbo sa nalalapit na elesyon.

Lubos na nagpapasalamat,

TJ

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Hi Migs!

I just want to share my problem. I think my 7-year-old son is gay… I started noticing his behavior when he was about 5 yrs. old… I don’t know how to deal with it. Is there a group or doctor that I can approach? Thanks!

- Verna

Hi Verna, homosexuality is not a disease nor is it a psychological disorder, thus your son doesn’t need a doctor. What he needs, just like any child, is your unconditional love and understanding. You wrote your letter of concern and that alone shows how much you love your son. I am not here to say that he is really gay, but if he actually turns out to be one, there is one thing I can assure you: if you love and understand him unconditionally, if you respect and give him your support whatever he wants to be, he will honor you and will make you proud.

Also, I have a friend named Stella who I thought is in your same situation. I asked her to give you some advise as well. Here is what she sent me to pass on to you:

Dear Verna,

My son is 7 as well and grew up around women. To him, toy guns were like hair blowers that he’d seen parloristas use when they’d do mommy’s or lola’s hair. Kris Aquino was someone he looked up to, and someone he wanted to be (we once caught him wrapping the towel around him like a tube dress, and it shocked us).

He’s 7, and I suspect he’s turning gay. But then again, I could be wrong. While many of my gay friends suspect he is such, as they themselves had passed through that road, I’d like to think his being a “softie” has something to do with the fact that he was brought up by a strong, single mom, and grew up in a household of loud, domineering females. Let me tell you that I grew up in an orthodox background. My father is a missionary, and to him homosexuality is a sin. I’d like to think having gone to UP, I am so much more enlightened and all-embracing, which is why I never insisted on my son that he live up to society’s expectations of masculinity. When he was five and wanted me to buy him kitchen toys, I bought a set–only not in pink so the rest of the household wouldn’t get shocked (and I tell you, it was difficult to look for a kitchen set that wasn’t pink!).

I’ve never considered seeing a doctor because I didn’t want my son to be treated like a specimen. But I turned to my gay friends, people whom I thought would best understand my son growing up, and I learned to let my son be, to allow him to explore, to reach his full potential, even go beyond it. Now that he is 8 and learning about the rights of a child, he came home one day and demanded of me to respect his “right to express himself.” That was a lesson in itself. I have no right to insist on what he wants to be. It is his life after all.

People may say I’m in denial, but I don’t know myself if my son will turn out gay or not. He tells me he feels different when he sees girls in skimpy outfits (I had to launch an impromptu talk about erection), but he has an impeccable fashion sense that’s a lot of help to his fashion-clueless mother. He enjoys being pampered in a spa or a salon. He chooses his own shampoo (Sunsilk) and his own soap (Olay) and body wash (Dial lavender). He has style that I haven’t seen the boys/men in my life exhibit.

So what I am saying is, live and let live. Don’t castigate. Be ever loving. Avoid dialogues like “Boys do this and girls do that.” (My UP-educated self shudders at such conversations.) Instead, present society’s idea of what boys and girls should act, but remind him that choosing to be something other than what we usually see isn’t really wrong. It’s just different. I know that I am trying to bring him up as someone who is loving, kind, and respectful of men and women alike. I think that is the best thing that should matter.

There’s been enough repression in mankind’s history. It’s about time we let live.

- Stella

How about you dear readers? You surely had some notable experience growing up as gay boys with your moms. What would you advise our dear mothers here, Verna and Stella?

I’m sure there are other parents out there who at this moment are quite clueless on what to do with their observations similar to Verna and Stella, sons or daughters who are growing up and showing signs of being gay. What would you tell them?

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Hi Pre Migs!

Dumating na time ko to tell you about myself. I am happily married with one kid. I’ve been working abroad for more than 15 yrs na. Since pagkabata, I know myself na may pagka-berde ang dugo ko, pero since then I’ve kept it to myself, the other side of me. I have a very loving and understanding wife, ika nga, what more can I ask for?

Before I got married and even while married, I had relationships with the opposite and the same sex. Ganun siguro pag malayo kayo sa isa’t isa ng asawa mo. My wife kasi is also working outside the country, nasa US siya. Ako naman, nag-Saudi for 4 years, then went to Dubai where I worked for 10 years. Year 2005 when i went home to Pinas and decided na di na bumalik ng Dubai.

Noong nasa Pilipinas na ako, okay ang lahat kahit wala ang asawa ko (nasa US nga siya). Dahil doon, natuto ako na makipagtext with the same sex, and makipag-meet and, the usual, have sex. Going to massage parlors, gay bars and Fahrenheit ang naging hobby ko.

Early last year, I came to the point na gusto ko nang magpakamatay sa sobrang guilt ko dahil sa kasalanan ko kay God and to my wife. Parang di ko na kaya. Pero God was still there to help me. May of last year I got an email from a friend in Africa asking me if I want to work again pero sa Africa nga. Sabi ko sige para new environment and para matigil sa mga ginagawa kong mali dyan sa Pinas. Sa ngayon, nandito ako, solo sa Africa at nagta-trabaho. Pero honestly hinahanap-hanap ko ang mga boys dyan sa atin.

Till next time. World Peace!

Your Pre,
JAKE

When someone approaches you, a gay man, married with a wife and perhaps a kid or two, saying he feels guilty yet he clearly has a penchant for men, what do you do? What do you tell him?

Do you tell him: stop your philandering and be straight with your wife! That he should deny his real self coming out because he has committed himself to a woman?

Do you tell him: it’s okay, be yourself.That he has to prioritize who he really is, and that his marriage to a woman was in the first place a mistake he made out of foolish thoughts and assumptions?

Do you tell him: you’re a fuckin’ mess, you son of a bitch! This to a man who has enough self-hatred as to even consider suicide?

Do you tell him: hate the sin, not the sinner. This to someone who may not even be able to distinguish between the two? Because much as he tried for years to pluck out the sin from the sinner, even marrying a girl in the hopes that his being gay may just magically fade away, the sinner is still left sinful and, the sin not a tad faded but as clear, even more, as it has ever been before?

Tell me, dear friends in this blog, how do we deal with gay married men?

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