I must admit, I am a closeted guy. I haven’t confirmed it yet to anyone even to my family and best friends. But you know what’s weird? I do not like being tagged as one. I just can’t explain why. Or maybe, I just don’t want to know why.

Before reaching 20, I do not really know where my line was. Honestly speaking. But as time passes by and as I get older, I’m able to sway away those clouds blocking my way.

I have to tell you the truth. I do not see myself outing to everyone. There are a lot of people who look up to me. The catch in here is that they are younger than me. Grade schoolers then looked up to me as their Kuya. Even those in high school who were batch/es junior than me. These are the people who really admired me during my high school years and I guess until now. Left and right, girls had crushes on me. Why I say so? They said that I am a total package: a man with looks, intelligence, and character. All rolled into one. How I wish I really am that man they have in their minds. As well, my relatives here and abroad, Im pretty sure that they do not know the other side of me. And if in case I out myself to them, my world and theirs too will surely shake off. And I don’t want that to happen. They will surely get disappointed.

You know what, I feel unfortunate that I live in our society. A society who looks at homosexuals as inferior beings. For me, I believe that being homosexual is born, it is not influenced or acquired. For those late bloomers, like me, we were just not able to discover it immediately. It is just there. It is just waiting for us, for us to recognize it.

I want those heterosexuals who are against homosexuals to realize that it is not easy being one. There were times that I incredibly envy those straight guys. I want to experience how it feels to stare and find satisfaction on those women’s flawless and white legs. I want to know how it is like to fantasize a sexy body of a sexy star printed on a magazine. I want to experience how it will be to talk over the boobs and the butts of those and these girls. I also want to know the feeling or the excitement every time a guy gets the chance to peep at those cleavages. The feeling of playing a basketball game in a school or barangay league. You know the basic boy things. And I really want to feel how it is really to be a real gentleman. There were even times I wish that I am a straight guy so that I will not experience an indirect discrimination from our society, to be in the minority. I want these to happen to belong.

It makes me even sadder when people praise this and that gay because he became the richest stylist, the best businessman, the most intelligent student and etcetera and etcetera. It made me think actually. Do homosexuals really need to be an achiever first so that they can feel accepted or be allowed to step at the arena of societal acceptance? Or, can that be I AM HOMOSEXUAL. PERIOD. ?

Why do homosexuals need to experience these biased things? When will everyone achieve the capacity of real understanding? Of broad-mindedness? Because I firmly believe that homosexuals should be treated the heterosexual way (don’t raise your eyebrow, it itches me too because the society has the default standard-heterosexuality).

In my situation, I must say it is really hard. I hope it is easy as 1, 2, 3 and A, B, C. I finally decided to write a letter to you because I want every one who visits this site that it feels like dying every time you hide in your closet. I feel like I am a liar to myself. It is like I am good at backstabbing my trueness you know. And yet, I foresee that once I let my trueness be seen by others, it will be a suicide. Instead of getting better, it might become a sharp dagger. I know there will be people who will tell me to out myself as soon as possible but I really do not see it coming, me outing myself to the world. I’m sorry. I am happy this way, or, perhaps, I should be happy the way it is. Oh my gawd, I hate this. This society that always finds flaws to others yet in the first place that society is flawful. I hope one day I will wake up where heterosexuality is the new homosexuality. Let’s see how it will be. How they will struggle to fight for their rights and to protect their pride. Maybe, one day. One day.

- Randall

Dear Randall,

At 20 years old, you are a bright young chap. Reading your letter, I know, I am quite sure, that you have answers to your own questions. Obviously, you have a sharp mind, and I must say you’re quite articulate in words. No wonder people regard you very highly, as you yourself said in your letter, “There are a lot of people who look up to me.” They admire you a lot. They respect you a lot. I wonder though, are you aware that there is this one very important person, more than anyone else, who should be admiring you, respecting you? That person is yourself. All these external achievements — what do they mean, if you yourself don’t learn to love the real person who’s responsible for them? How come people love you, yet you seem not to be able to give yourself that same love?

Embrace who you are, Randall. He’s been quite lonely — only because you’ve somehow distanced yourself from him. See wonders as you try to get more acquainted with your real self. And as you wish for society to accept us homosexuals wholeheartedly, I too fervently wish that you find the strength and that unique love to accept who you are, what you are, wholeheartedly.

Be well, my dear Randall. World Peace!

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I am fond of reading your blog.
I am Ayan. Straight ako when I was in high school, I’m sure of that. Marami akong naging girlfriend nun. Until one time, I need to have a tutorial in Math because of my low grades. so i went to my tutor’s apartment at around 6pm. he is one of the best math teachers in my school by that time, but he didn’t handle our class. i am well-known in our school, that’s why he offered me his help. Malakas ung ulan nung gabing nun, i didnt bring my umbrella so i got wet.. when i entered his apartment, he told me to take off my clothes baka daw sipunin ako. hinubad ko naman kasi ok lang naman siguro un parehas naman kaming lalake, walang malisya un.

instead of reviewing, nagkwentuhan lang kami.nakaupo kami sa kama niya then he asked me to turn off the lights, nagtaka ako kung bakit.. i didn’t turn it off. sabi nia sa kin wala daw mangyayari kung hindi ko papatayin ung ilaw. nagtaka na talaga ako and i decided to go home pero sabi niya wag muna daw,malakas pa ung ulan.so i stayed. nagjoke siya tapos tawa kami ng tawa,then he started to bite my ears tapos ung lips niya umabot na sa neck ko and he kissed it. i begin to feel uncomfortable, dinaganan niya ko tapos hinalikan niya ko on my face, then lips, pababa until he lick and suck my cock. i dont know what to do. i tried to stop him, pero nakadagan siya sa kin. gusto ko sumigaw pero iniisip ko na nakakahiya sa mga tao if they knew why i am shouting… i dont have any idea about gaysex that time. hindi ko un nagustuhan. i was the only one naked, kaya i immediately took my shirt and pants. i told him that i will go home. pagkauwi ko, nagshower ako agad. parang nandidiri ako. i keep it as a secret, kasi nahihiya ako sa outcome kapag nagsumbong ako baka kumalat. i noticed na maraming kiss mark ung leeg ko. kinabukasan, napansin un lahat ng classmates ko. sabi ko allergy. pero sabi nila chikinini daw. this happened 3 years ago.

nasalubong ko si sir sa corridor, then nagsorry siya sa kin. nabigla lang daw siya. i accepted his apology. from then on, hindi ko na siya kinausap o kaya pinansin. kung dati nalilibugan ako sa babae, ngayon parang sa lalake na. naging habit ko na ung panunuod ng gay porn. pinigilan ko ung sarili ko but i cant control it. hindi ko alam kung ano na ko ngayon, there is confusion. i am now 16 years old, a 1st year college student in a prominent university. parang nagbago ung buhay ko, hindi na ko lumalabas ng nakahubad or nakasando.naiilang na rin ako sa mga lalakeng nakahubad. siguro na-trauma ako sa mga nangyari. even my closest friends don’t know about this experience. nakikipagchat ako ngayon with the same sex…flirt.. i don’t know if i’m into relationship, malay natin..

thanks migz for letting me share my story.. God bless you…

- Ayan

Dear Ayan,

Thank you for sharing your story. Alam ko, mahirap ang kalagayan mo. It’s tough feeling confused. On the other hand, I hope you realize that confusion is there precisely because there are choices available for you. It’s not because you are stuck, or do not have any choice — you do, and you are the only person who has the power to make that choice. You can decide to go straight, or gay, or whatever way you want. In that decision, dear Ayan, as many of us went through something similar, you do it on your own. Ikaw yan, sa iyong buhay yan. But, let me tell you that as you are making your decision, you can ask for help. By writing this letter to me, I can see that you have made one good step already. Another step you might want to consider is talking to a professional counselor. If you are interested, I know of someone from Ateneo who can help you through professional counseling. He does it especially for those going through similar questions of sexual preference as yourself. I’ve talked to him and he said he can help you. Let me know if you are interested.

Meanwhile, I would suggest for you to keep in mind that what you’re going through is not something abnormal or dysfunctional. You’re good. What happened to you and your Math tutor may be the source of your homosexual feelings and leanings now, but, let’s accept that what’s done is done, di naman natin kayang ibalik ang nakaraan. Ang importante, okay ka ngayon, at puwedeng maging mas okay pa sa darating na panahon. I hope you really consider talking to a professional counselor — he’ll be able to give you more specific advice on how best to tackle your situation. For now, smile, and rest assured that there are trustworthy people who are willing to support you if you allow them to. Be well!

World Peace,
Migs

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May problem po ako. Di ako lumalapit sa bading. Kasi baka matuluyan akong maging bading. Kaya sa mga straight guys ako sumasama.Kapag straight guys kasama ko Nakakalimutan ko na yung mga bagay na kabadingan. Kasi naimpluwensyahan na nila ako. Nanliligaw, nagkaka-gf, nagdo-dota, nagba-basketball at nagkukwentohan about sa mga guy things. Sanay na akong nahihipuan, tinitigan at ino-offeran pa ng pera ng mga bading. Pero parati akong umiiwas para maayos ko yung sarili ko .Kahit guapo pa. Ang problema ko ngayon pati mga straight na kabarkada ko nagpaparamdam sa akin. Yung isa dinidikit yung t*t* nya sa likod ko. Sabi ko baka wala lang yun. Yung isa naman kapag kaming dalawa lang kinikindatan ako. Yung isa naman nung nalasing kami, sinama ako sa place nya tapos natulog ng nakahubad! Sa isang kama lang kami.. Sa isip ko normal lang yan. Pero nung marami kaming natulog sa bahay nya, nakadamit naman sya. Bakit ganun. Yung isa naman kapag nagbibiruan kami parati nyang sinasabi “reypin kita dyan eh!” Tapos pinaka masakit pa! eh ang gugwapo pa nila. Anu bang dapat kong gawin! Minsan di ko na ma-control yung feelings ko. Pero pinipilit kong magpakatatag.

- Juan

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Good day!

I am writing to you para maliwanagan ako sa lahat ng nangyari sakin. My name is Yours (a loan word from my true name so basically not really my real name, just sounded like my nickname. Actually there is a unique spelling of that nickname but to protect my privacy i just loaned the word as well as the spelling), 20 from Cebu. To be honest, I am bothered right now kung sino ba talaga ako lalo pa’t parang nagkagusto na ako sa kapwa ko lalaki na ang pangalan ay Emman (not his true name).

Emman’s dad and my dad are bestfriends, actually para silang magkapatid. Christian pastor ang dad nya and he is from strict and conservative family in fact, his dad is the reason why my family became Born again Christians. Nagkakilala kami nung bata palang kami,and Emman is a shy type of person, di ako gaanong nakikipaghalubilo sa kanya noon kasi I feel awkward kasi if kakausapin mu xa kasi nga tahimik tsaka parang maarte ang dating. When I was in second year high school and he was on junior high, lumipat cla sa lugar namin, so malapit na yung bahay nila sa amin, nagpatayo kasi sila ng bahay sa lugar ng kanyang dad (ang dad nya at dad ko ay magkababata, so magkapitbahay sila ng dad ko at ang dad nya nuon). Mula nuon, I frequented on their house, duon ko nakilala ng lubos c Emman. kinakausap ko na xa tapos mabait pala xa pag kausap ko na, then palabiro din pala xa. Nung una, nakakailang talaga kasi nga tahimik lang xa pero he would put jokes everytime na may pag uusapan kami. Marami xang mga kwentong nakakatawa na hango sa kanyang mga everyday experience sa school. Masaya talaga xang kausap, pero minsan seryoso. Masaya ako pagkinausap nya ako kasi that indicates na gusto din nyang kausapin ako. For me, its just such an honor na kausapin nya ako…and thats so weird para sakin. As time goes by, nag graduate na xa ng high school tapos ako 4th year pa, dun talaga nagsimula ang lahat nung nasa college na xa, at high school naman ako. I just dont know sa feeling ko, and I wasnt sure about it coz hinahanap hanap ko na xa araw2x. Araw2x pumupunta ako sa bahay nila, minsan pa nga doon na ako matutulog kasi sometimes ginagabi xa sa school. One time na dun ako sa kwarto nya nakatulog, and then d ko namanlayan na dumating na pala xa. Then in the middle of the night nagising ako na nasa kama na xa at katabi ko na. tiningnan ko xa sa mukha, and at the back of my mind I asked myself “Am I in love with this guy?, bakit ba hinahanap-hanap ko ang mokong na to, bat ako naghihintay sa kanyang pagdating?”. Swear to God, its not about sex that I after, but there was just something that really bothered me a lot until to the point that I asked myself if im gay. This really made me so devastated because I cant accept the fact na bakla ako or may feminine side ako. I dont really know kung bakit at paano nangyari ang lahat. Nung nalaman ko straight from her sister na may GF na xa, I was really shocked and pretended na masaya ako para sa kanya but the truth is, i was hurt. I felt that there is a need for me to overcome on that thing. I could not deny it. It was a feeling I could not identify accurately. Whenever he laughed over a joke with other churchmates na mga girls, that emotion filled my senses. It took me a while before identified it. I was in love; the feeling was jealousy. I felt the need to express it. But, I was afraid…that he would dismiss my feeling, that we would be stuck in an embarrassing situation, that our long nurtured friendship would crumble…therefore, I kept quiet. Pero nasasaktan talaga ako pag may mga babaeng nagpaparamdam nag pagkagusto sa kanya. Di ko nakuha ang attention nya and d nya rin napansin ang mga paramdam ko. Nahihirapan ako, I even hated myself that time because there was just an urgency for me to tell it to him, but I dont want na he would ask me if gay ba ako. Until such time na nakadesisyon na akong sabihin sa kanya. Nung panahong yun ay d ko na xa masyadong makikita sa bahay nila kasi nursing student kasi xa noon then duty xa sa gabi then tulog pag umaga. So I decided to na sabihin na para malaman na din nya ito. And I sent him a message sa kanyang friendster account. Everytthing was explained at sinabi ko sa kanya na nasa state of identity crisis ako and that parang nagkagusto na ako sa kanya. I told him that its impossible na he would also treat me in the same way as I am at sinabi ko rin sa msg na sana he will stay like before after knowing all of those. Nagreply xa, and that was positive, but he never told me that he felt the same way as i am and I never expected that answer from him. Napaiyak talaga ako, as in a baby cry, hagulhol talaga sa loob ng kwarto ko dahil sa sinabi nya. He told me that he understands me and that he will stay as a friend like before. But he wanted me to overcome the feeling as that is really impossible na mangyari. He wanted me to ask for God’s help and he will pray for me to. I just dont know bakit gusto kung talikuran ang aking abnormal na feeling pero gusto ko pa rin xa, I mean I want to turn my back sa feminine side ko but I also want him at the same time. I was devastated, in fact, I hate the kind of life i have right now. I dont want to end up lying to everybody about my reall identity kasi so far c Emman lang ang nakakaalam, he assured me that he will keep that in strictest confidence. Mula noon, paranng napansin ko na parang may gap na namuo sa amin, parang maiilang na xa. Pero I tried to reinstate the friendship we had. D naglaon, parang nakalimutan na din nya ang lahat. Back to normal. But my feeling is still there, gusto ko parin xa I dont know para ano pa nga ba. Gusto ko kalimotan xa pero d ko kayang magawa. Para na kasing magkapatid turingan namin then parang na guilty ako sa sarili ko dahil dun, nahiya na rin sa ako sa Dyos. Sa tingin mu migz, ano nga ba ang effective na paraan para makalimotan at ma overcome ko xa?I know na d ako normal na lalaki, pero everytime na remember ko xa, I cant get over. Should I tell him na d pa ako naka getover sa kanya? Or is that necessary to say? Am I considered crazy? Am I acting so stupid and should I stop this madness? I cant just push through because Im stuck. Please advise. Nahirapan na din ako sa sarili ko kasi Im guilty din kasi I feel na Im so bad that I lied to everyone about my sexuality. Your reply is highly appreciated.

Thanks,
Yours.

Dear Yours,

I won’t ask you to even consider trying to rip out your feelings toward your friend. It is possible, yet difficult, and quite frankly, unnatural. I’d rather ask you to keep at it, pursue him if your heart tells you that’s what you want to do. In the background though, notice how you are — take some time in taking a third party look at the situation, observe yourself from a different point of view, notice what feelings surface as you see yourself do what you’re doing. Do you like what you see? What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? Your answers to these questions may help you answer your own questions about what to do about revealing your feelings to Emman, about how you want to move this forward.

Also, there is a word I have long been meditating on, that I want to share with you now. It is the word “detachment.” Some may feel a bit of negative vibe with this, but I tell you, detachment is a beautiful thing. Detachment for me doesn’t mean indifference. It means being able to be passionate about something and yet at the same time, having the ability to peacefully accept whatever it is that happens in the end. It’s about having the humility to accept that there are so many variables in the equation, and not everything can be achieved just by working hard on it, or by thinking that you are entitled to it because you are this and that. Life is full of these complex things. Being able to detach one’s self from the fruits of our labor, our pseudo-urgent wants, even from those we feel so much for, is an act of humility.

I wish you the gift of self-awareness, the gift of humility, and the gift of fortitude.

Migs

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We have 2 main guests in this fabcast, both certified “men who have sex with men” (oo, sige, bakla na kung bakla) but… they are involved in heterosexual relationships. Get your knuckles crackin’ and listen to this hilarious, riotous podcast (we have a noisy peanut gallery, first time in a fabcast!)

LISTEN – this is PART 1 (23 mins 35 sec):

Download this fabcast (right click and save – 21.6 MB)

Credits: Podcast production by Mcvie. Music credits – “Mahirap Talaga Magmahal Ng Syota Ng Iba” by the APO Hiking Society; and “Another Girl” by The Beatles; and “Girls & Boys” by Blur.

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I’ve been planning to write you a letter, matagal na. Pero when I heard Kiko’s podcast, nagdecide na ako, eto na talaga. But how should I start? Sige na nga, the usual.
 
I’m Vincent. I’m 22 years old. As of the moment, hindi ko alam kung ano ako, but I can say na hindi ako straight. I’ve had lot of encounters na. It started when I was a kid. Nakita ko porn stuff ng dad ko. Watched it. And by then, curious na ako makakita ng tite. There even came a point na yung mga kuya ko, kapag tulog, sisilipan ko. Ewan ko. Curious lang ako siguro kung ano ang makikita ko. Tapos yung isa naming kapitbahay, pinahawak pa niya sa akin. I guess, that’s where it all started. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang sunod doon. Ang alam ko lang, dahil sa internet, lalo akong na-introduce sa gay porn. Mga sites na M2M. Tapos chat. Webcam.

Yung first experience ko was inside Alta Cinema. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ba ang meron doon. Nagulat ako. Chupaan here and there. Parang may free access ka to hold anyone’s dick sa loob. Doon ako unang nachupa. Pumayag ako just for the heck of it. After I came, I ran out agad, tago. Baka makita niya mukha ko. Matapang ako sa loob kasi madilim e.

Nasundan ‘yun when a friend of mine, my so-called Kuya, asked me if I wanted to come with him sa dorm niya. Inaantok na kami pareho that time kaya sumama ako. Nung nakahiga na kame, bigla siyang yumakap tapos he confessed that he’s bisexual, tapos hinalikan ako. Hindi na ako nakapalag. Or should I say, hindi na ako pumalag. Again, for experience and curiosity. We did not have anal sex. Puro blowjob, kissing and handjob. Paguwi ko ng bahay nun, I told myself, stop na. Ayaw ko na. Pero pag itetext niya ako na makipagmeet, it’s as if wala akong magawa. Mas natatalo ng libog ang utak ko. I was 18 then. For three years siguro, occasionally, nagkikita kame. This year, sobrang dalang na. I changed my number a couple of times at hindi ko ibinibigay sa kanya, pero pag tinamaan na naman ng kalibugan, tinetext ko siya.

He’s not the only guy na natikman ko at natikman ako. There was this friend na bi. May boyfriend siya before, then they broke up. He didn’t know what I was into. (Syempre, walang nakakaalam. Actually Migs, first time ko ishare ang lahat ng ‘to.) Anyway, after my “Kuya”, this “friend” became my “parausan”. After quite some time, nagka-gf siya, ako din. So stop na kami.

Last December naman, fresh from a break up (with my girlfriend), lumabas kami ng kabarkada ko. Malayo ang bahay ko kaya nakitulog ako sa kanila. Wala akong idea na trip niya ang mga lalaki. Bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang kamay niya gumagapang. Tapos yun na. We talked about it. Wala lang sa kanya. Kahit sa akin naman, wala lang din.

You know what’s funny? For me, pag sa guys, lust lang lahat. Madami na din ako nagiging girlfriends, and sa kanila ko nakikita ang love. Pag libog, sa guys. May ganun kaya talaga? O ako lang? I have no girlfriend since September last year. One year na. And whenever wala akong gf, feeling ko, for everyone’s consumption itong junior ko. Because of G4M, I discovered the secrets of public restrooms. MRT hipuans and stuff like those. Even in resorts. Random encounters.
 
I don’t really know the point of sending you my letter, Migz. Parang wala naman kwenta e. Haha. Pero sige, send ko na din. I just felt na gusto ko i-share sa’yo buhay ko, and maybe I want to hear your views about me.
 
Thanks Migz. Hope to hear from you, soon!
-Vincent

Hello Vincent,

Salamat as sulat mo, at sa pagbabahagi mo ng kuwento ng buhay mo. Sigurado ako marami ang nakaka-relate sa iyo na nagbabasa nitong blog ko. Kaya naman gusto ko ring bigyang hustisya ang effort mo by sharing with you my honest thoughts.

Let me tell you what I noticed as I read your letter. Una ay iyong element of indecision. Sa kuwento mo tungkol as escapades mo, particularly yung sa Alta at sa paglalaro-laro mo with your “Kuya,” I noticed the battle inside you — parang gusto mo na ayaw mo. Next element na na-notice ko sa kuwento mo ay ang hiya, or shame. Sabi mo tungkol dun sa kababalaghan sa Alta, “after I came, I ran out agad, (nag)tago. Baka makita… mukha ko.”

I’m taking notice of these 2 elements (indecision and shame) just so you can also start being more aware of the situation. Think about these feelings of indecision and shame, not to judge yourself with them, rather, take them as inspiration to delve deeper into yourself. Maaari mong itanong sa sarili mo, bakit nga ba ako di mapakali? Ano ba ang gusto ko sa pakikipag-sex sa lalake? Bakit ba ako nahihiya? Ano ang kahiya-hiya sa mga ginagawa ko? Bakit ito kahiya-hiya? The self-knowledge you will gain in asking these questions is very important. Mas makikilala mo ang sarili mo. Let your answers to these questions guide you to become a more empowered person.

Sinabi mo rin sa letter mo, “For me, pag sa guys, lust lang lahat. Madami na din ako nagiging girlfriends, and sa kanila ko nakikita ang love. Pag libog, sa guys.” Allow me to address this too, Vincent. Hindi ikaw ang unang tao na naringgan ko ng ganito. Meaning, hindi ka nag-iisa. There are other people who share your confusion. Tipo bang, you lust after lads, yet you love only ladies. May isa pa nga akong kilala, baliktad naman. Bading siya kasi sa lalake lang siya nai-in-love, pero admit niya na pagdating sa sex, prefer pa rin niya ang sugat kaysa sa ugat. Indeed, iba-iba tayo, at dahil dito, at dahil din sa sinabawang gulay, makulay ang buhay. So don’t worry about you being weird or dysfunctional. Keri lang, sabi nga. I have a feeling though that as you get to know more people, as you add more experience to your years, and with a little bit more effort on your journey to self-awareness, mas magiging malinaw sa iyo kung ano talaga ang gusto mo. The challenge really is about being totally honest with yourself. As long as you always prioritize truth over what other people might say, self-image, ego, etc., you’re on the right track, hijo.

Again, thank you for sharing your story to us, Vincent. I will leave you with one last thought: you do not need to explain yourself to others; but you owe it to yourself to know what really you want in life. You’re young and you have a lifetime in front of you. Grab it and enjoy the wonderful journey ahead.

I wish you more self-knowledge and more honesty with yourself.

World Peace!

Nagmamahal,

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“Hey. What a pleasant surprise. I just got back from the US. How are you?” I replied. It was our first text conversation after almost 2 years of no communication.

“Okay naman. Eto, tatlo na ang anak. My girlfriend just gave birth. Hehe. Ikaw, kamusta?”

“I’m good, medyo di pa nakaka-adjust sa time zone. Buti naman naalala mo ako.”

“There are just some people that are hard to forget, Migs. Hehe.”

“Touched naman ako. Hey, we should get together soon. I’m leaving again in a few weeks, and won’t be back till before Christmas.”

“Viajero! Sure, let me know your preferred sched. Between us, you’re the busier one.”

“I’ll text you when. What do you wanna do when we meet up?”

“I don’t know. You, what do you wanna do?”

“Perhaps dinner, coffee, conversation…”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“And I’d like a kiss from you too. You okay with that?”

“I’d love that. Perhaps we should get some place private…”

Yes, that was Attorney I was talking to over SMS.

Sigh.

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LISTEN: (33 minutes)

Download this podcast (right click and save – 32 MB)

Credits:
1. Podcast Production – Joel Mcvie
2. Music: Avenue Q’s “If You Were Gay”

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I stumbled upon your site a few days ago and I haven’t been able to stop browsing since then. I would just like to share my story since tons of people have written you already I figured that I’d try it too haha.

I am an openly gay 20 year old nursing student and I would just like to share a little story that happened to me during the past year. I had this classmate back in 2007 when I was in 3rd year college and I had a crush on him. He was skinny, kinda nerdy and kept to himself. We eventually became friend’s coz we were always in the same group. Our surnames are near kasi and since we were spending lots of time together I eventually fell for him and I even told him how I felt. He said it was okay and that he was straight that’s why he can’t reciprocate my feelings, which was fine because I wasn’t expecting him to anyway. He also had a girlfriend back then which sucked big-time.

I wrote tons of poems about him and posted them on my multiply account knowing that he could read them didn’t bother me at all. He even commented on a few saying how touched he was etc. We texted each other all the time, chatted on ym till morning and even went out, just the two of us. He was the one who was asking me out to watch movies, I mean, what do you expect right? Of course I fell deeper. He knows how I feel about him yet he still does these things that make me feel like, him and I could be possible. I said “I love you“to him while we chatted or texted and he would say I love you back. This brought happiness to me and that is why I loved him more and more each day. We fought a few times about stupid stuff and he made a poem about me. He even used my middle name as the title. My girlfriends were so jealous of me. Sila daw never pa ginawan ng tula ng lalake tapos ako. Isang bakla. Ginagawan ng tula.

We had one major fight where I got jealous of his girlfriend and he got pissed at me. We didn’t talk for a week but he texted me eventually saying sorry kais he needed space daw. I mean.. HE NEEDS SPACE!? Haha! He said he was getting confused daw. Sometimes daw he file like we were doing things only a couple would do. And I got mad be because I NEVER assumed anything. I did love him more but I never told my friends na “oh my God parang kami” or something like that. I respected him. I didn’t even think about him sexually. All I wanted was to be with him all day. He and his gf broke up after a few months too.

We eventually made up and became friends again, and then my birthday came. I held a party at my house and I invited all my friend and him too. He didn’t greet me the entire morning which really got me down. Then at around 10pm a friend of mine came and said he had a surprise for me and there he was behind him. Holding a gift for me while holding is arms up. I was such a mess. I was so happy and I even said to him that this was my best birthday ever. Then a friend of mine started passing the mic around.

each person will describe me daw etc etc and he was the last one to speak. Everybody was silent and my parents were just inside the house so they could hear everything he said. He said thank you for bringing excitement to his life. I was the reason why he’s happy daw. I made him a better person daw. I opened up the world to him daw. I was crying so hard while hugging a friend of mine and he was crying too. I was just so happy to hear him say those things. He needed to go home eventually so he said goodbye, happy birthday, hugged me and kissed me on t he cheek then after that evening? Nothing. He never texted again. Ever. He never logged in his ym. It was like he disappeared. I was so depressed and confused. I refused to call or text him coz I felt like he made himself clear. I didn’t want to become desperate. I failed all my subjects after that. I was drinking everyday and never slept for 2 whole months. He buzzed my ym 5 months after my birthday asking how I was. He asked if he was the reason why I failed 4th year college. I asked him what happened and he said that he didn’t know how to begin again after what happened during my party. He broke my heart. This was the first time I fell in love and this is what I got.. It’s been 9 months now and I am still a wreck. I don’t know what to do anymore. He passed the board exams recently and I really felt shitty coz while I am still depressed its like nothing happened to him.. I feel really pathetic now and all I Want to do is forget him but it’s not easy.

Sorry for the long letter. I really tried to keep it short. I just wanted to ask your opinion about him, what I should do now and how to build up my world again. Thank you so much for taking time to hear my whining haha it really means a lot.

Thanks a bunch and God bless!

Jek

Hi Jek,

I call your boy a “Wonder Boy” because he’s such a source of wonder for you — wonder because you love him, and wonder because you don’t understand him.

Alam mo Jek, we don’t need to fully understand someone to know what to do with them. Hindi na natin kailangan pang uriratin kung nabakla mo ba si Wonder Boy o hindi, kung minahal ka ba niya o hindi, kung ginamit, pinaglaruan, o binale wala ka niya. Hindi na importante ang mga katanungang iyon.

Tama na ang panahon, lakas, at luhang naibuhos mo para sa kanya. Marami ang nagmamahal sa iyo, ang kulang na lang ay mahalin mo ang sarili mo. Take charge of your life, hija. Oras na para ang bigyang pansin mo naman ay ang sarili mo. Bakla, anuman ang sabihin ng iba, maganda ka. Pero sa ngayon ay nakukulapulan ito ng kasawian kay Wonder Boy. Hayaan mong imbitahin kitang hubarin ang nakadagang pag-aalinlangan, at tuluyan mo nang kitilin ang pagnanasa mo sa kanya. Saka mo mauulinigan ang panaghoy ng sarili mong tinig. Ikaw muna, Jek. It’s your time. Give your beauty a chance to shine once more.

Bigyang pansin mo ang ganda mo. Ang edukasyon mo. Ang kinabukasan mo. At sa paraang ito, unti-unting kikinang muli ang alindog mo. Pasasaan ba’t may muling magpaparamdam sa iyo ng pagmamahal at pagkalinga? Basta’t huwag mong kakalimutan – maganda ka.

Yun lang.

Kumembot ka’t ngumiti,

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We’re still friends though, close – at times too close (yes, we fuck) but non-comittal. I broke up with him because (for some reason) I couldn’t see myself living with him 24/7 for life.

He is a decent guy though. Loyal.

But when I broke up with him a year ago, it was only then that he revealed that he was raped at gunpoint early 2008 at KSA, Riyadh.

When he went home late 2008 I was in the US. When I came back early 2009, we met up at times and occassionaly had intercourse (for old time’s sake – - and I was horny ok.) But I was firm that I really did not see us getting married or living together as a couple.

It ws also at this time that he revealed that he was raped when he was in 2nd year high school by their male househelp who caught him watching porn. He said that the househelp threatened to tell his parents that he was watching porn & so he was blackmailed and was raped.

It only happened once after that since he always had with him a knife or was it a large wooden stick to whack the househelp if ever the househelp came near.

He said he only told me this now because he didn’t want me to think lowly of him because he felt dirty, that he always felt dirty.

The only thing I remembered him reveal early on in our relationship was that he was molested by his male gay cousin when he was in high school.

He also said – in a fit of emotional outburst – that he wanted to get married so that he could forget all these which happened to him.

He declares that he is not gay.

Currently, he is working somewhere in Manila. he said that he has an officemate whom he thinks is gay because one time, that man told him point blank while they were left alone in a room — “masarap ba umupo sa lap mo?”

My friend said he excused himself & that he left the room immediately.

I asked him why it seems he is attracting these guys? In fairness, he is attracting some girls too.

Mr. MGG, i really do not know what to ask.
I know that having same sex relations does not make one gay. (or does it?)
But how does one know if one is indeed gay? or in denial?
Could it be possible if one is gay but doesnt know it?
What do you think of the above situation? What do you think of what my friend went through?
I love him dearly, but not as a boyfriend but as a dear dear friend. I do not know how I can help him. I hope you could offer some suggestionS?

Thanks very much MGG.

Sincerely,
Imelda

Dear Imelda,

With your questions, I’m quite sure you are curious to know whether or not your ex is gay. I am curious too, and perhaps tons of my readers are curious. But my heart tells me our curiosity is not what is called for right now.

Your ex, now your good friend, does not need another curious person to pry, analyze, dissect his sexuality. Clearly your friend has sustained scars that have yet to heal, and I can only wish he overcomes those traumatic life events with the least amount of damage. Given that, I’d say he needs your acceptance, understanding, and love.

We do not need to figure out everything about someone to accept him, respect him, or love him.

I wish you both the best. And if you have the chance, the next time you give him a friendly hug, can you make it just a bit tighter, just a bit longer, and can you please do it for me? “Mr. MGG” wants to give him a comforting hug without him even knowing.

- Migs

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