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Are you still confused about being gay?

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Interesting secret shared via the phenomenally famous Ateneo de Manila Secret Files. Read on.

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Long story short I was one of those guys who accepted gay guys but I could never see myself with another guy. During those “what kind of kids do you want” conversations, I always told my friends that I would support my kids except if he/she chooses to be gay. I also flinched and did not like being touched by gay guys. And I said I was accepting. Dunno, I guess I had a very flawed understanding of “acceptance”; it was okay as long as it was unrelated to me.

Fast forward several years into college and I met him. Ya same cliche shit: I find myself falling in love with a person of the same sex. Every other summer, I visit my family in Venice, LA. He’s been my go-to friend every time I’m there. We’ve known each other for what, 6 years? He’s Fil-Am, born and raised in LA. Just last year, something happened between the two of us. Turns out we were both that same person who “accepted” gay guys but wanted nothing to do with them. I won’t go into details about how our friendship turned into this, dahil mahaba-habang usapan yan. Sa puntong iyon sinabi ko sa sarili ko “Wokey tangina ko pala eh. What a hypocrite. What or HOW did this happen?”

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My kumare, Chona Babes, tells me stories about Leroy, her 8-year-old son who at a very early age knew he was different from other boys. Leroy once told his Mom, “Mommy, yung classmate ko bakla rin.”

Bakla RIN? So Chona knew the boy had awareness of his identity. Good thing, the mother in her is just so supportive for the bakling duckling in Leroy. “Siyempre mahal ko yung anak ko, ano man siya. Eh ano naman kung bakla?”

One day, Chona relates another Leroy story, the school bullies were heckling him, “Ah bakla, ah bakla!” they jeered, when Leroy suddenly turns to them and blasts, “At least, buhay!”

Chona and I couldn’t contain our boisterous laughter as she told this story. “Oo nga naman! Aanhin mo ang straight kung dedz naman!? Eh ano nga naman kung bakla?” we cheered together: “At least, buhay!”

I wonder how the kid thought this retort up. Maybe it’s the seedling of wit a lot of his elder counterparts are quite known for. Or a whip of his survival gene as a defense to the harsh honesty of the world. Or perhaps, it’s the wisdom of youth speaking.

People, hear ye, listen to them young ones.

Hi Migs, I’ve been secretly reading your blog for quite sometime now and i really like its concept. Am a closeted yuppie with tons of questions about my sexuality but information that specifically targets them is elusive until i found out about your blog and advocacy. I know i have always been like this ever since but longtime shunned the idea. Coming from a paternalistic fambly, having studied at a hypermasculine school and now working at a homophobic industry (engineering), nurturing my homo tendencies is the least of my priority. But i guess things like these just manifest outwardly even without us noticing them. Thats why i felt the need to share my long kept secret/fetish/habit. Am convinced this became my outlet, a vent from my very disempowered self. so here’s my story:

First manifestation happened during after a debut of a highschool batchmate of mine. Technically, it would hve been HS batch’s pseudo reunion since almost everybody from my class attended. Apparently, the after party included drinking sprees and torrents of catching up and boasting off of our respective universities. Because we wanted to extend our kwentuhan in a more comfy, less crowded and less smoky place, my barkada and i decided to stay over night at a friend’s nearby house. E my specific barkada from our batch was made up of mostly gays and gals. I was surprised when cute straight distant friend (ill call him Mike, though not his real name) agreed to come with us. Close din naman namin sya but we rarely had barkada moments wd him. Mebbe masaya kasi kausap gays, humor at its finest and besides minsan lang naman to see one another, kaya he agreed. So there, laugh trip night talaga. We shared lots of stories from college first day funk to libog stories. Since nasa isang kwarto lang kami lahat, we all decided to sleep on the floor na lang tabi tabi. I liked sleeping beside the wall kaya i took the farthest place. Sobrang pagod ko, i immediately went to sleep while nagkkwentuhan pa the others.

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Since September I have been looking for a venue for a get together among discreet and closeted bisexual/gay/confused/questioning men, and finally I have found a perfect, private location.

In the past, the meetups I would arrange happen in public places, like coffee shops or restaurants. But because I would like this “discreet meet” to be truly discreet, I endeavored to look for a really apt venue. I have found one in Makati, near dela Rosa St., right smack at the Central Business District. It is quiet, conducive for private group discussions, and, most importantly, away from the public’s prying eyes.

The meetup will be on December 15, 3-5 PM. I will be selecting only 10 people (out of the almost 100 people who registered) for the first batch of this Discreet Meet. Others I can invite in the succeeding batches.

For those who are interested to join and are sure to make the Dec 15, 3 PM schedule in Makati, kindly send me a brief note (manilagayguy@gmail.com) and, if you like, include a little bit about yourself and why you think you would benefit from this meetup. If I get more than 10 responses, your short note would come in handy to choose who will receive the actual invite.

Hi Migs. I really want to have your opinion on this. I’m getting desperate.

I’m a college kid in a university around Manila. There’s this guy(When was there not?) with whom I MAY have developed feelings for.. and that’s exactly the problem.

To tell you the truth, he was the first person I’ve ever had sex of any kind with. I’m 19 and it happened quite recently. He’s straight, sort of a womanizer but he actually doesn’t deserve the credit he gets cause he’s not the most handsome guy in school..nor the smartest. For the past three years or so, we had developed sexual tension between each other. He always showed intention to subtly seduce me since we started texting, when he just transferred.

This year, we sort of started seeing each other more, but still in the company of our mutual friends. Until then, we never really talked or seen each other since last summer. Things started off again from that point. We texted more and he came to visit the house more often whenever I had classmates over. They knew each other, you see, but he wasnt a classmate of mine. We never get to converse well personally though. I’m a naturally silent person and I feel that sometimes I have to resort to irrelevant topics to get us start talking. He’s very amusing in texts though. very. We texted each other as long as someone replied– so that was all the time.

Then it got to the point that he was comfortable enough to visit me alone. He came to sleepover a few times and then we had breakfast. He seemed to like to crash at other people’s pads. This one time, he said he badly needed a back massage. I obliged and let him come over after his part time job. He used my computer for a while when he arrived while I read a book. It was kind of awkward for both of us to start thinking about that massage, which was actually the reason why he came. I didnt bother to make mention of it until he did a few times. I was dead silent reading my book and he didnt like that. Eventually, when he was finished browsing his facebook for his hot girl friends, who he often points out to me while saying his thoughts aloud, we went to my room to give him that massage. It was getting pretty late then so I agreed.

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Hi Migs,

I recently bumped into your blog from the office computer, and since then I have been an avid fan of your blog. Recent incidents in my life make me question who I really am and what I really want. I want your advice and as well as your readers about my scenario.

Just call me Jethro, I’m from Cebu and recently tied the knot with my long-time girlfriend because she got pregnant. She’s now 7 months on her pregnancy, and the doctors adviced us not to do “it” because of the sensitive nature of her pregnancy. This is where my problem comes in.

Lets call him Josh, he is my office mate. When I joined my current company, he was the most senior in terms of tenure, so he was assigned to guide me learn the ropes so to speak. He would go out with me for client calls, and would guide me in whatever I need to do when making presentations. Usually we would go out after work with other office mates and he would drive me home after a few drinks since he has a car and I don’t. We became really close because of this, and people in the office would usually tease us as the master and his protegee.

One time, we went out because one of our co-workers celebrated his birthday. We had a beer too much (wasted as you would put it) and on our way home, he started to ask me about my wife’s pregnancy, and how sensitive it was. He also joked with me about having no sex at all for months since my wife has a delicate pregnancy. I just shrugged off his comments and laughed, then all of a sudden he asked me, “Na blow job ka na ba ng lalaki?” to which I replied with a laugh “hindi pa, bakit mo natanong yan bai?”

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Ey Migs gandang gabi, call me Brent. So nakita ko tong site di mo naman ako follower ng site but I just want to share i guess. I am 21 years old fresh grad, pansinin naman ng kababaihan, may sense of humor yun nga lang suplado. So eto na nga, attracted ako sa babae un nga lang may pagkamapili. Hindi mo sa akin maasahan ang mga normal na reaction ng mga lalake kapag makakita lang babae. Yun eh ewan ba kala ko straight ako pero ngayon dudang duda na ako.

Dahil to dun sa isa kong ka officemate tangkad, mukang barumbado pero mabait naman at magalang. Ngayon kasi nag-iimagine ako ng mga fantasies kasama sya. Hindi tungkol sa sex ah, parang gusto ko lang sya makasama, yakap ganun. Naasar nga ako sa ugali ko e, hindi ko sya unang binabati kahit lagi nya iniimik. Pinipigilan ko kasi ang sarili ko, may girlfriend ung tao, isa parang imposible ang ganung setup, ayaw ko lang mabuhay sa isang pakiramdam na alam kong walang patutunguhan.

Natatawa na lang ako pag tinutukso nya ako dun sa isa ko ding kaopisina na babae loob ko ang dali mag pacute sa babe pero ang hirap mag papogi sa pogi hehhehe. Minsan nakasabay ko sya sa isang short trip sa jeep, aun poker face pero kinilig ako.

Salamat sa pakikinig.

– Brent

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Dear Brent, ipagpatuloy mo lang yan. Feeling ko tama ang kutob at duda mo. Marami kaming naghihintay sa iyo, ika nga, welcome to the club 😉 Migs

Hi Migs,

Let me start by saying that you are an inspiration. It’s my first time reading through your blog and i must say you are a great guru to us ‘gays’. I admit that it’s hard for me to enter the word gay in this email and associate it with me. I may sound like the typical closeted/in-denial/straight-acting guy but i believe i myself is a story that should be told.

My name is paul and im 26, i grew up in a very big family with 22 cousins, 10 uncles and aunties combined, 3 older sisters and we all live together in a big family compound (an apartment complex owned by my grandparents).

Growing up in that kind of environment leaves no space for oddliness or abnormality. We were always compared to each other within the same age group. Achivements, be it sports or academics, my relatives always has a way of making us feel that we kids back then are in a competition with not only ourselves but with each other.

So for me, i can’t act differently as i act as a younger brother and an elder brother to my boy cousins. They look up to me because i have exceptional academics and i excel in sports. From the time that i was in highschool, i already had a hint of what i may become but i tried so hard to suppress that thought of becoming someone that my family wouldn’t want me to be. It was really hard for me as i was enrolled in an exclusive school for boys then. I already had boy crushes but never physically leak it to others. I made friends with the athletes, the rich kids and those who are popular in their own ways. I was part of a group that was respected and feared in and out of our school.

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For people who are yet unsure about their sexual preference, or fearing that they might be gay, it means a lot to be able to connect to someone, especially a kindred soul. Here’s an opportunity for you —

I am organizing a small group (5-7 pax) of discreet and/or closeted guys (including those who are bi-curious or questioning) for a meet-up and discussion sometime this September. If you are interested, please fill out this form: http://tinyurl.com/discreetmeet

If you have questions, feel free to email me: manilagayguy@gmail.com