I finally got the guts to write you a letter. It has been almost two years since the first time I read on your blog. Since then, I took inspiration, courage and the will to embrace the life I choose and share my story. Call me Roger, I’m 23 and already a college professor. I must admit that gay university instructors are not new, except for me. I’m closeted. I started to teach just last June 2009. Each time, I hold classes I make it a point that I could deliver the subject in the most ‘straight’ way possible. Every single day is a struggle especially if I get interested and attracted to students. This is my greatest fear what if I get hooked on a student? I can’t risk my job, neither my student’s future.

Until I met Joshua. He’s 17 and a freshman.

He’s short, lean, cute and exceptionally hot for his structure. Basically, teachers will remember only students who either excel in class or those who deliberately skip and make ‘pasaway’. And Joshua is the second. Given a few number of students in his class, he is very noticeable. I could sense that he can sense that I’m quite interested in him so during classes, he would sometimes give me some nasty smiles and just stare at me the whole time. I was really distracted because I don’t want to show any signs of motives. As the end of the semester comes near, I developed several diversional tactics just to drive away that ‘dangerous connections’. It was successful.

Second semester. I’m still their professor on another subject. I took a deep breath before entering the room and vigilantly scanning for Joshua. I checked their attendance and no sign of him. I asked the class, “Where is Mr. Engamin? (not his true surname)”, “Sir, he quit.”, a classmate exclaimed. At that point, I could not explain how I felt. It seems to be a mixture of both relief and regret. One time, I was on my way home, I bumped into Joshua. I was surprised to see him not in uniform. He’s wearing a semi fit yellow top (his nipples protruding), and skinny jeans with a bulge that is distracting. I asked how he was doing and he said. “Masama sir, talagang mahirap ang buhay.” At that instance, my lustful mood shifted to empathy. So I invited him to have some coffee and talk things over.

And things went different, he said “wala akong matutulugan ngayong gabi sir, pwede bang mag pension na lang tayo at dun na lang tayo mag usap?” I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I just said “Sige, no probs!” immediately. As we checked in, he took off his shirt and gave me that old nasty look. “Siguro Josh, sa susunod na lang tayo mag usap, uwi na ‘ko.” I hurriedly grab the knob of the door, but he pulled me back. “Samahan mo naman ako dito sir.” I could not refuse so I stayed. As we were about to sleep, he told me “Sir, Php 2,500 lang, all the way na.” I was terrified. I’m not going to fuck a student and pay him Php 2,500. After I told him, that I can’t and I won’t pay. He made the biggest bargain. “Sige sir, kahit wala nang bayad. Ok na ko na may matulugan ngayong gabi.” And everything was history.

Respectfully,
Prof. Roger

Dear Prof. Roger,

Kainggit naman ng story mo. Char lang. I’m in a playful, fun mood so do take what I will say here with a grain of salt. In short, wag masyadong toxic!

Pakiramdam ko you emailed just to share and chika with the world about your tryst with this ex-student. Wala naman akong naramdaman na remorse or guilt, at tama lang naman yan dahil, ika nga, keribelles lang `teh. Siguro ang fine print lang eh sana hindi na menor de edad si Joshua noong nangyari ang “biggest bargain” at “rest is history” rendezvous ninyo (iwas korte lang, hija). Having said that, I’m sure tataas ang kilay ng ilan nating kapatid, maghe-”hesusmaryosef” habang nagsa-sign of the cross. Nakikinita ko na ang mga hitad, binubulyawan ang blog na ito, “kunsintidora ka Migs!”

Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with what happened. Gusto niya, gusto mo, so be it. May pagka-pokpok siya (as in nagpapabayad, although puwede ring libre), may pagka-horny ka, so be it, o eh ano naman? Go lang. Masyado nang ma-judgment ang mundong ito, huwag na nating dagdagan pa. Hindi ka naman namilit, at di mo naman na rin siya estudyante nang nangyari ang pangyayari, so wag ka na ma-guilty pa. Non-issue yan. Lasapin mo na lang ang sarap nang gabing iyon, at baunin sa iyong baul of good memories.

Siguro mas bigyang pansin mo na lang eh ang pagiging mabuting propesora mo, `teh. Nasabi ko mang walang problema sa nangyari sa inyo ni Joshua, eh wag mo naman sanang karirin ang pakikipag-chorva-han sa mga estudyante mo. Hindi dahil mali ang pumatol sa estudyante. (Kung talagang love-love-love, wala naman talagang issue.) Ang pakiwari ko lang, maraming complications kapag hinabi mo ang mundo ng love/sex/work; may mga sinusuwerte sa ganyan, pero I would say mas complicated kapag magkakahalo ito. Kung ganyan talaga ang gusto mo (I mean, mga complicated situations) aba, sino ba naman ako para pigilan ka? Pero i-consider mo lang siguro na marami ka pang choices. Yun yun. Uulitin ko, marami ka namang choices. Dahil propesora ka (propesora daw o!), mayroon at mayroon talagang lalapit sa iyo, given your position of authority. Pero di ba mas maganda kung ang basis ng iyong kakasintahanin eh dalisay at wagas na pag-ibig, at hindi class card na pinasang-awa?

Naging alagad ka ng pamantasan dahil sa iyong angking talino. Gamitin mo ito. Ngunit sasabihin ko ring alagad ka ng kagandahan ko, ng kagandahan ng mundong ito, dahil may puso kang marunong magmahal. Gamitin mo ito upang magmahal nang tunay at dalisay; maraming isda sa lawa, maraming ibon sa himpapawid, buksan mo ang iyong mga mata, at higit sa lahat, buksan mo ang iyong puso — malay mo, ang iyong kapalaran ay nandiyan lang pagtapak mo sa labas ng iyong eskuwelahan.

Chumacharot magpakailanman,

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I never thought that the day would come that I would be the one writing to you. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your views on different dilemmas sent to you by your viewers. I need some sort of advice regarding my case. Just call me John, 22 years old, hurting and sad. My story just happened recently so everything is fresh from my memory. One day (to be exact February 13,2010), this guy (let’s just call him Renz, 29 years old) called me up. I knew where he got my number but I won’t mention it here anymore. He was a stranger. We talked for a very short time only because I was about to go somewhere. After our conversation, we exchanged a few text messages. When I got home, he called again. We talked for a very long time. I felt at ease talking to him. We exchanged infos about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our funny stories etc. It felt really good just talking to him. We joked about our boo-boos and all. He would sometimes say “I love you baby” in the middle of the conversation. At first, I just gave him a nervous laugh and told him “sira ka talaga”. I won’t deny the fact that I was really ‘kilig’ and I felt butterflies in my stomach. Before we ended our 3-hour conversation before midnight, I just caught myself saying I love him. I know I was such fool. Oo, nagpa-uto ako.
He called up again around 1am, Feb 14. We shared stories again, greeted each other happy valentines and said our I love yous a couple more times. Then he admitted he is currently in a relationship. He said he and his partner is going through some issues. He told me almost everything about himself, the relationships he had, how they all ended, pretty much everything! He said he sometimes feels lonely and I just cant help but make him feel better. I knew that I am beginning to fall for him. Napaka gullible ko talaga. I told him almost everything about me as well. I told him that not a single soul knows that I’m like this. He was the first one to know about who I really am. Before we went to sleep around 5:30am, the last thing we said was I love you. We didn’t hang up the phone. We slept with our headphones on. It was going on smoothly for a couple of days. We met up one time. He had errands to do for his partner and I accompanied him. Ang tanga ko talaga. Masochist much? He is really good looking. Everything I envisioned him to be, yun sya. When we were eating, he joked about sleeping on my lap. When we were waiting for a ride home he said “kiss mo muna ako” then on our way home, he whispered to me “asan na ang kiss ko?” Syempre I didn’t do it (pero gusto ko talaga). After that, we were still okay. After a couple of days though, he suddenly changed. We used to talk everynight, text each other constantly, he even calls me when he is at work. I think he felt guilty about what he is doing to his partner. Oo I shouldn’t have let it gone this far. What would I feel if I was the partner? Pero I was ‘inlove’ with him that I didn’t care what anyone feels. When things were starting to fall apart, I felt devastated. It was my first time to open myself to someone and it felt bad. He said he wants us to be friends. I know he does and I want it too. Kaso he became so dense and minsan ang NR nya. I know he’s doing that for me not to fall deeper. I just wanna talk to him not to work things out but just explain that being dense to me is doing no good. He told me once “makakahanap ka din ng para sayo”. Wow, define bullshit? I know that. Although I know he said that with the intention of making me feel better, it didn’t make me feel better. I just want him to acknowledge that at this point, Im in pain. He wants me to move on faster but that’s not something I can do in a snap, right? It’s not like I can just forget everything when I close my eyes. Opening up yourself to someone is like giving them the power to hurt you, and sometimes it’s not worth that risk. Ang sakit. Ang sakit pa rin. I can’t move on. Maybe because it was my first. And although I know it was my fault since nag fall ako kahit na alam kong he’s in a relationship, he is partly to blame dahil sinabi nyang mahal nya ako. Umasa ako Migs. Sino ba naman ang hindi, diba? I’m stuck in ground zero. Hindi ako maka move on. Remembering our previous conversations brings me to tears. Siguro sa tingin mo ang OA ko naman, but ang sakit talaga. Iba kasi talaga yung nafeel ko kanya. And alam kong may nafeel din sya for me. How do I recover from this experience? Salamat.
- John

My dear John,

You fell, and fell hard. It’s amazing how this story is repeated, cycled, and recycled by many people (not exclusively among people like us). But you know, however painful you are feeling right now, I see a glimmer of beauty in all these. I hope that you too, amidst all the darkness you are in right now, begin to see this little sparkle in the horizon. And I’m talking about this — your desire to be one with someone, to share yourself, your little secrets, your unopened life story. You are so full of good things, brimming, overflowing, that your soul so powerfully reaches out to another, celebrating, unifying, loving.

It happens that Renz, your object of affection, that other soul, have issues of his own. And as he struggles and feels his way through his own complex web of issues, your soul which is just eager to be with his, just cannot. This is the source of your pain. Your pain is not caused by the past, nor by Renz, nor by anything else. It is caused by your soul’s desire to reach out and find another to share and celebrate its goodness, its love. So, as you ask, “how do I recover from this experience,” my thoughts go to this source of your pain. How can you tend to your loving soul — that which only wants to share, to celebrate, to love, and to revel in joy? As I write this, as we together frame your situation this way, notice that it is more about using your soul’s energy in a different way. If before, you have Renz as the object of your soul’s energy, perhaps you can find other channels and objects — friends, family, pet, work, etc. — as your new object of love and affection? I would recommend though that one of the first things you’d consider is your own soul. Yes, your soul loving, aligning, affirming its own. This is the best opportunity to do that, now that you are hurting. The big question is: how?

Loving one’s self is not very easy because we’ve always been taught to be selfless, that being selfish is bad, etc. Now I tell you, no, now is the best time (it’s always the best time) to love yourself. Use your heart to feel what your soul is asking for. Notice how your emotions are guiding you to what your soul needs and wants. Avoid wallowing in the past (it can only make you feel more stuck and immobilized), and instead focus on your soul’s desire to joyfully, cheerfully give and share, to love; open your eyes and you will see that many others, not only Renz, can be the object of your soul’s fire. Only when you really tend to your soul can it be aligned to who you really are inside — and when that alignment happens, you will know, because you will experience joy, so unmistakable and so powerful that it cannot not radiate out to others. Try it. See how it changes things.

John, I wish you a break in the drama, and lots of energy to follow your bliss. I think of you at your best and happiest. World Peace!

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How come it envelopes every part of one’s self, so much so that one’s speech doesn’t escape the constant, many times repetitious, mention of the beloved’s name? And even in unspoken words and thoughts, the beloved’s presence is a fixture — the moments before sleep, he is thought of, so as in sleep, in dreams themselves, and in the break of unconsciousness to consciousness, he is there, just to be repeated constantly throughout the emerging day, till it’s time again to rest and sleep in his comforting, imagined presence.

Love makes life delicious indeed. And because of this, however way love/life progresses or ends, I revel in rapturous appreciation. I wish all of you, the experience of this kind of love.

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Last Friday, I met someone.

Isa sa mga na-resolve ko na gawin sa aking pagtuntong dito sa Amerika ay ang magkaroon ng mga bagong kaibigan. Marami akong iniwang mga mahal na kaibigan sa Pilipinas, at sa aking pag-alis, noon ko naramdaman ang labis na ligayang naidudulot ng pagkakaroon ng marami, sari-sari, at mga tapat na kaibigan, iyong may pagkakaibigang walang pag-iimbot, buong pusong pagtanggap sa isa’t isa. Kaya naman, sabi ko sa sarili ko, dito sa Amerika, magkakaroon ako muli ng mga ganoong kaibigan.

Last Friday, I met Raffy. Pinoy din, US citizen, pero sa Pilipinas nag-aral. Unang-una kita ko pa lang sa kanya, pansin ko na ang tamis ng ngiti niya. His smile can light up the whole Philippines (siyempre ine-exag ko lang). Pero seriously, that was my first impression of him — such a sunny, carefree personality. (At siyempre it helps na tisoy siya, guwapo, at matangkad – LOL) We went to a Starbucks near his house, and after the usual intro chit-chat, we discovered we knew common friends, which was a really good thing. Tipo bang di kami naubusan ng topics to talk about. He asked that we continue our conversation while walking the streets of downtown because he wanted to show me around as well. As early as that time I was beginning to feel na may paroroonan kaming dalawa ni Raffy.

Madaldal si Raffy, in a good way. In a very good way. While walking around downtown, naikuwento na yata niya sa akin ang bawat miyembro ng pamilya niya, mga kaibigan niyang iniwan din sa Pilipinas, at marami pang iba. Habang nagkukuwento siya, taimtim lang akong nakikinig. Ansarap ng may kausap ng tagalog, isip-isip ko. Pero more than that, ramdam ko ang sincerity ng friendship ni Raf. Parang tiwalang-tiwala na siya sa akin. It feels good to be the recipient of such trust. So willingly, without even being so conscious about it, I also shared with him some aspects of my life. And no, not the melodramatic kind of sharing. But really those deep things that you don’t just share right away to acquaintances.

As we continued our walk and our talk, he suggested to change location –

“Tara, Migs, let’s go to this park I know. Maganda dun, at malapit lang. Tahimik, surrounded by nature. Dun tayo magkuwentuhan pa.”

And so we went. It turned out, you’ll later find out, it was a key step we took.

[to be continued]

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Saturday afternoon till evening… busy, busy on my laptop, preparing the first draft of MGG the book… I’m excited how it will turn out! Your suggestions are welcome!

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This post is dedicated to everyone in my send off party last night. Soju (the Korean rice wine) is to blame for the thousand-and-one kisses that were given and received that evening. Enjoy!

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I can still feel, my Love, I can still feel. Those tears I just shed are proof that this heart of mine is still capable of loving. These past days I’ve been noticing how I was repeatedly telling myself that I’m exhausted. It’s as if every fiber of my beating heart is but a pulp of dry straw, and at any moment, will snap into powdery bits. Exhausted to the point of giving up on this quest for love.

Standing on the verge of hopelessness, that abyss not unfamiliar to a lot of people like us, I remind myself, Love, my Love, he’s still out there.

And suddenly, I thought, perhaps you, my Love, are exhausted too. Exhausted because for sure, for some time, you’ve also been looking for me. For sure, you are also getting impatient as the wait gets longer, and lonelier. Perhaps, you too, are standing on the same verge of hopelessness, worn out, contemplating on jumping over to that dark, damp abyss of jadedness.

No my Love, don’t. I am here. We just haven’t met yet. Or, maybe we have, but that we haven’t realized the Grand Destiny we’re meant to live, together, as life partners. But once we do, once you recognize it’s me, once I recognize it’s you, my Love, I shall lay your head on my lap. Tell you, before anything else, to rest and regain your strength. Recharge, and be at your very best. Because our journey together will be long, arduous, maybe even more exhausting, yet because I know we’re traveling together, it shall be, I promise to make it, well worth every little f*ckin’ waiting moment we spent looking for each other.

Original text from a previous post. Photo by Ian Felix Alquiros.

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Through this project I hope to be able to touch more lives, and to make them feel that they are not alone in their ups and downs. This for me is a beautiful incarnation of the ever-elusive World Peace. Exciting times ahead!

P.S. Do you have suggestions for the book? Any particular content I should include? I’m open to suggestions!

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Writing you this letter was actually a decision I had to make. Not that it’s hard to do but maybe I just thought of asking for a little help from you.

My name is Robert and I have been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now. I found out about your blog while I was scanning a certain magazine. And from then on, I got interested in reading your articles. The reason why I’m writing you this letter it’s because I’m having this “difficulty”, a situation where I don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anybody about this yet and hopefully I could get some piece of opinion from you.

Geo and I have been friends since early last year. We work at the same place but now we work in different departments as I recently got a promotion about a month ago. We recently just became quite close because of one sad event. Geo just broke up 3 weeks ago with his long time girlfriend, Kris, who happens to be one of my closest friends as well.. When they were still together, I always look up to these two guys since they are always the first ones to save my butt at work and their one of the reasons why I got the promotion I wanted. And, yes, their break-up greatly affected me as well. After that sad event, Geo had suddenly started texting me, asking me if there were any plans of going on a night out to drink with some friends which was very unusual. Geo is the type of guy who doesn’t really like going out to get some drink. From then on, we suddenly got closer than before. We never talked about how sad the break up was or whatever happened between him and Kris, instead we just drink the night away and have fun while talking about a lot of stuff. Yes, it made me wonder why Geo chose me as his company. First, he knows I’m gay (although I don’t look like one); Second, he knows I like him; and Third? I don’t know… I really don’t know. But a few days after, he answered my question when one of our friends noticed our sudden closeness.

“Parehas kasi kami ng mga hilig eh. Isa pa di naman to mahirap kausap lalo na pag inuman ang usapan…”

Yup, he says we have the same interests (apart from girls that is) which I then noticed as time passed by. And by the tone of his voice, I could say he really needed me just to be there for him in his saddest.

Here is where the problem starts. The more we get closer, the more my feelings start to develop. I tried denying it at first but I figured out I can’t. I suddenly noticed that everytime I’m having a chat with friends, I never forget to mention his name every time. When we’re not together, I sometimes think about me and him getting together (which I thought was very absurd). Yes, my thoughts were pleasant and alarming at the same time. Why alarming? Because people know for a fact that I am close to both him and his ex-gf. That’s the reason why I said I haven’t told anyone about this yet. I don’t want them to think that I’m that gay slut between Geo and Kris.. When I got to watch MMK last night, I told myself ayokong mangyari to sakin. Although there were no evidences, or chances so to speak, of them getting back, people still want them to reconcile and continue their 4-year relationship. And to say, I am actually one of those people who’d want to see them back together.
One time, when Geo and I ate somewhere with a friend after drinking the whole night, the conversation struck me.

Friend: “ba’t parati na kayong magkasama? Baka magkatuluyan na kayo ha!”
Me: “bakit naman hindi?” I jokingly answered.

It was at that moment when I heard him answer “why not?” at the same time. We just laughed about it while I was thinking ba’t nga naman talaga hindi? It wasn’t the first time he joked about liking me or about us being together. There was even one time when he joked around and told our friend malay mo, baka ang type ko na ay si… Robert??

They say jokes are half meant, well, 3/4s meant for some. I kinda understand why he’s so at ease with fooling people about what’s going on between us. Maybe it’s because he trusts me enough knowing that I won’t humiliate him in front of friends. That’s why I could say love gets too confusing because you know you’re about to fall but you also know you can’t because you’re not supposed to. I can’t blame myself for liking, or should I say falling for him because physically, Geo is very attractive. Tall and bald, just the way I like it. Personality wise, he’s such a gentleman, he’s very intelligent, he has such a great humor, he sings well and maybe the list still goes on.

I don’t wanna compromise the friendship that we have right now just because of my unbalanced thoughts. I enjoy every moment I have with him because I can never tell when’s this friendship gonna end. I know there are a lot of people talking behind me and I’m afraid Geo would start listening to them someday. I also wouldn’t want to look like the big slut who took away Geo from Kris. I know I’m a slut but maybe now’s not a good time.

I really hope you could respond to this personally or in whichever way you can. I just needed to vent this out to somebody just to make sure my mind is still in its sane state. I wanna know if continuing this friendship with him is still healthy for both of us or not. Well, thanks for taking time in reading this crap.

xoxo
Much Love
Robert

Dear Robert,

What a timely letter you sent me. Thank you. I feel that a lot of our experiences are both common (shared and similar) and unique (not exactly the same as anything else). I can identify with you, yet I know your situation is also very unique because of the people involved. So let me share my thoughts freely, and I’ll let you pick what you feel is useful, and leave others that are not behind.

Seems to me that your dilemma is about getting clarity about your relationship with Geo. Kasi naman, ang sarap ng feeling being with him di ba? Nakakakilig lalo na yang mga jokes (half or three-quarters meant) na parang may laman, mga bonding times together, etc. I can feel from the way you wrote your letter that you enjoy this thing that you have with Geo. Savor it, Robert. I say live with the present, savor every emotion, every breath, every moment you are with him; make the most of each meeting, each drinking session, enjoy the friendship as if it will end the next moment. Ngunit imbis na panggigilan mo, subukan mong maging mas payapa. Dahil sa pagiging mas payapa mas malalasap mo ang tamis ng inyong pagiging magkasama. Darating ang panahon na hindi mo na makakayanan ang bugso ng iyong damdamin, at kailangan mo ng magdesisyon — magbubukas ka ba ng iyong kalooban kay Geo tungkol sa tunay na nararamdaman mo o hindi. When that time comes, if you’ve truly been paying attention to the wonderful “stituationship” you’ve so far enjoyed with Geo, you will never go wrong. Be open to him, and feel what he truly wants for himself as well. But also, be open to yourself. Honor your feelings, they are telling you something. However your story goes, proceeds, or ends, I wish you feel gratitude for what the universe has offered you. Such a beautiful friendship. Whether you open up or not, whether you get rejected or bring the relationship to a higher level, know that you’ve received much. Be well.

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