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Allow me to publish this note I received from a mother named Jennifer, who’s just beaming with pride because of her son. Jennifer – I am so proud of you! Dear readers, send Jennifer a dose of your rainbow thoughts and wishes!

Dear Migs,

Last week, my 7-year-old was on the football field happily holding hand with another little boy. After the game, as we were returning home, I asked him if he is gay. He said yes. I asked him if the neighbor girl was still his girlfriend. He said, “we’re just friends”. I explained that some people like boys and girls, and asked if he did. He replied, “I kind of like girls, but I’m gay”. I consider this a parenting win. I’m so proud that my child feels safe saying, “I’m gay”, without fear of judgement from his parents.


From the ADMU Secret Files.



May itsura ako at matipuno. But people are wondering why I still don’t have a GF. I’m actually still in the closet, but wala akong nagugustuhan sa student body ng ADMU. Fuck, kahit iwagayway pa ni *insert pogi guy here* yung tweetybird niya sa mukha ko, di ako matuturn on. 

Ang gusto ko kasi, DADDY.

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My kumare, Chona Babes, tells me stories about Leroy, her 8-year-old son who at a very early age knew he was different from other boys. Leroy once told his Mom, “Mommy, yung classmate ko bakla rin.”

Bakla RIN? So Chona knew the boy had awareness of his identity. Good thing, the mother in her is just so supportive for the bakling duckling in Leroy. “Siyempre mahal ko yung anak ko, ano man siya. Eh ano naman kung bakla?”

One day, Chona relates another Leroy story, the school bullies were heckling him, “Ah bakla, ah bakla!” they jeered, when Leroy suddenly turns to them and blasts, “At least, buhay!”

Chona and I couldn’t contain our boisterous laughter as she told this story. “Oo nga naman! Aanhin mo ang straight kung dedz naman!? Eh ano nga naman kung bakla?” we cheered together: “At least, buhay!”

I wonder how the kid thought this retort up. Maybe it’s the seedling of wit a lot of his elder counterparts are quite known for. Or a whip of his survival gene as a defense to the harsh honesty of the world. Or perhaps, it’s the wisdom of youth speaking.

People, hear ye, listen to them young ones.

Minsan nakapanlulumo rin. Well, choice ko naman kasi ito, but still, it doesn’t take away the fact that I feel like this right now. To regularly stay at the darker folds of the rainbow, it can wear you down, it wears me down.

Almost every weekend, I spend volunteer time sa isang HIV testing clinic. Halos walang mintis I get clients na who turn out to be positive sa HIV. It’s my job to ensure that at that moment they get to know about their status, they have someone to talk to, they are supported with the right information, the right next steps to take, etc. etc. There were quite a few times when my poz clients would instantly break down. Understandable naman. Bilang HIV is, ika nga, a lifetime achievement award. Tattoo sa dugo, walang erase-erase. Habambuhay nilang dala-dala ang katotohanang sila ay may HIV. On the one hand, it’s not all that bad, many of my poz friends lead normal, happy lives. On the other hand though, of course, it’s not the same as when you’re HIV-free. They got to deal with so much — the meds, its effects, the adjustments in lifestyle, the stigma, the major secret, the fear of being rejected, the guilt, etc. Sa madaling salita, mahirap talaga kapag may HIV.

One time, pagkatapos ng isang mahaba-habang conversation, matapos makauwi ng aking kliyente, nakatanggap ako ng text mula sa kanya.

“Salamat ha, Migs. I think this is going to be a tough battle pero kakayanin ko ito. I’m a strong person.”

“Yes, of course kaya iyan. Basta if you need someone to talk to, just let me know, ok?”

“Salamat. I really appreciate being able to talk to you. Salamat talaga. Kaya pramis kapag namatay ako, dadalawin kita.”

Yes, some of my clients have a demented sense of humor. But I guess okay na rin iyon. Ganyan naman talaga tayong mga bakla, one of our best armors is humor.

Another text conversation with another newly diagnosed PLHIV (person living with HIV) client:

“Hey Migs. Just got home from the treatment hub, had my baseline and TB tests.”

“Hey hey. Good good. O, kamusta?”

“Ayun, may TB pala ako. And since my CD4 is 148, safe to say I would have died next year had I not seen your blog. Lovely.”

So, yeah, this guy is kind of saying, “it’s tragic, but thanks.” At least that’s how I interpret it. May sarcasm na halong gratitude na halong ewan. But basically, as I always say, knowing your HIV status is still the best place to be. It may be tragic, dramatic, or whatever way you want to call it, but it still is where you have the best control of the situation. Those who have died too soon mostly knew their status too late, or never even.

Admittedly this being at the darker folds of the rainbow comes with sparks of light and bright. Andiyan ang realization na kahit papaano, nakakatulong ka. Kahit papaano, may kabuluhan ang presensiya mo sa mundong ibabaw, para nang sa gayon, kapag pumailalim ka na (sa mundong ibabaw), masasabi rin namang may nagawa kang kabutihan. Pero more than this, ang napansin ko lang ay ganito. Sa araw-araw na dumaraan, bagaman pagod at pagal sa trabaho at adbokasiya, maraming beses na hindi ko mawari kung bakit may nararamdaman akong kakaibang kaluwagan at kaginhawahan sa aking dibdib. Naisip ko, ito siguro yung tinatawag na grasya. Biyayang kahit narito ka pa man din sa lupa ay may katiting na langit nang nakasilid sa iyong kalooban.

At sa araw-araw na pa-slide-slide ko sa rainbow, sa panaka-nakang pagsiksik ko sa darker folds nito, halong maigting na pasasalamat at taimtim na panalangin ang bulong ko — sana, ikaw na nagbabasa nito, alagaan mo ang sarili mo. May nagmamahal sa iyo, at bagama’t hindi pa tayo magkakilala, asahan mong isa ako rito.

World Peace.

Love yourself dude,

Dear Migs,

I read your blog every now and then, and I always get entertained by the life stories I read there. Since it’s late and I have sleeping problems, I just wanna share mine too.

I’m barely 20 years old and am a pure bottom. For around five years now, I’ve been (moderately to slightly extremely) sexually active. I just LOVE sex. Ang sarap kasi. As my friend would say, Knorr Tinigang sa Miso ang peg ko. Anyway, in the span of the five years I’ve been sexually active, I’ve found that I’ve gotten really good at it too. Almost to the point that being a bottom doesn’t hurt anymore at all – ganung level (pero masikip parin ako ha LOL). I’ve gotten compliments here and there and I enjoy them. At one point, I even thought of being a call boy even though I’m not pureza, kasi masaya lang mag sex.

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Hi Migs,

Let me start by saying that you are an inspiration. It’s my first time reading through your blog and i must say you are a great guru to us ‘gays’. I admit that it’s hard for me to enter the word gay in this email and associate it with me. I may sound like the typical closeted/in-denial/straight-acting guy but i believe i myself is a story that should be told.

My name is paul and im 26, i grew up in a very big family with 22 cousins, 10 uncles and aunties combined, 3 older sisters and we all live together in a big family compound (an apartment complex owned by my grandparents).

Growing up in that kind of environment leaves no space for oddliness or abnormality. We were always compared to each other within the same age group. Achivements, be it sports or academics, my relatives always has a way of making us feel that we kids back then are in a competition with not only ourselves but with each other.

So for me, i can’t act differently as i act as a younger brother and an elder brother to my boy cousins. They look up to me because i have exceptional academics and i excel in sports. From the time that i was in highschool, i already had a hint of what i may become but i tried so hard to suppress that thought of becoming someone that my family wouldn’t want me to be. It was really hard for me as i was enrolled in an exclusive school for boys then. I already had boy crushes but never physically leak it to others. I made friends with the athletes, the rich kids and those who are popular in their own ways. I was part of a group that was respected and feared in and out of our school.

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(Above is a photo of some of the pieces about to be mounted for our exhibit.)

As I was busy preparing for the male nudes photo-exhibit that will be opened today, Sunday, July 8, I received the following message from Facebook:

Hi Sir, I admire your work in pushing for HIV awareness and prevention. However, I find it strange for your group to feature/hold an exhibit that excites people sexually. Sex is the major contributor of HIV epidemic, most notably among gay men. Personally I find it ironic to hold a fundraising activity that contradicts the effort of pozzies to shy away from sex. It’s like adding insult to injury. Aren’t there any other creative methods to raise funds?

I was kind of taken aback with the thought that there was an assumption that the solution to the HIV epidemic is to shy away from sex. My first reaction to the above note was, well, sex is indeed a major contributor to the HIV epidemic, much as food is a major contributor to food poisoning — should everyone then shy away from food?

I am interested to know what your thoughts are on this, dear MGG readers. What do you think?

Dear Migs,

I’m in my mid-thirties, openly gay, but not gay. I’m not sure if this letter is worthy of space on your page (not the typical sensational/romantic gay story) but I’m writing you anyway. I’m depressed, suffocating on a recent realization that I’ll forever be unhappy. I’m what contemporary society might call a reasonably successful young professional- I own and run a small venture in my hometown where I enjoy a decent amount of reputation as an educator in the private sector. Though I don’t look, talk, nor dress particularly gay-ish, everybody knows I’m one and none of it has caused me any problems where my work and business are concerned. The problem however lies in two areas of my life: 1) I resent that I’m the family’s breadwinner, and; 2) I don’t fall for our kind nor get the least sexually stimulated by the same.

I come from a poor family–very poor farming family! My parents are old and sickly and most of my siblings have poor farming families of their own, so the sweet burden of taking care of Nanay and Tatay falls on my shoulders. Notice I used “sweet,” but notice too how readily I called it “burden.” Because that’s what it is to me inside. I think it’s so unfair that just because I’m gay and thus single, it’s my sole obligation to provide for them. I’m the one with a decent job alright, and don’t get me wrong, I used to take pride in my breadwinning, but my role has inevitably evolved into parent for all. Nieces and nephews run to me for baon, siblings for both important and unimportant expenses, parents for apos’ whatever expenses, those over and above the usual monthly bills and daily household expenses. I know I should say no and say no I tried, but then you see helplessness in their eyes so you just reach for your wallet while complaining inside. One time I got so fed up I might have said unkind words, but when the niece who asked for fare to school and Nanay who brokered didn’t say a word and just turned and cried (they were scared they might anger me more), it broke my heart so bad that I resolved never to complain audibly again. That’s my awful situation. If I help I complain, and if I don’t I get so sad.

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Hi Migs,

Tawagin mo na lang ako sa pangalang Vic, 27 years old at nakatira sa Cavite. Gusto kong ikwento sayo ang karanasan ko kagabi. Ni raid ang Club Bath.

Dalawang taon na ako member ng Club Bath. Nagpupunta ako dito at least once a month sa tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng libog. Convenient kasi. Punta ka don, makipagsex ka, uwi pagkatapos. Nalaman ko ang Club bath online. Based sa mga nabasa ko, ito ang pinaka malinis at safe sa lahat dahil malakas daw ito sa Pasay City Hall. Katabi nga lang naman ito halos ng City Hall, so may point ang descrption na ito. Ang downside lang ay karamihan ng parokyano nito ay matatanda compared sa Fahrenheit sa Cubao. Totoo naman lahat ng ito, except sa description na “safe”.

Dumating ako kagabi sa CB bandang 10pm. Pagdating na pagdating ko, tumungo agad ako sa steam room. Dito ko nakilala si Anjo (hindi niya tunay na pangalan). Sa steam room, nagyakapan kami, hipuan, kiskisin ng titi at halikan. Pagkatapos, tinuloy namin ang sex sa kuwarto niya sa 1st floor. Matapos iyon, nagyosi kami. Habang ang sarap ng kwentuhan namin ni Anjo, bigla na lang may lumabas na naka T-shirt na may handy cam. Hinahabol nung lalake ang dalawa pang lalaki na halatang takot na takot at umiiwas sa camera. Naturally, kinabahan ako at napabalikwas. “Raid ito!” ang sabi ng lalaki. Kumaripas ako ng takbo palabas ng terrace. Nang marating ko ang locker area, lahat ng customers ng Club Bath ay hindi magkanda ugaga sa pagbibihis. Dali dali akong nagbihis. Halos sumabog ang dibdib ko sa kaba. Natatakot ako na baka andon ang TV Patrol, or si Mike Enriquez. Shet!

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Hi Migs,

I’ve been a frequent visitor of your site and I noticed that it become a good online support group. Many people are more than grateful about this. We have seen many straight-acting gays sharing their experiences and agonies through this blog. Yet I haven’t read one coming from an obviously effeminate “sexual minority” like me. Regardless, please allow me to share my own experience, and raise my own questions as well. For the sake of privacy, I would prefer to be called Shane by this website’s community.

There was no encouragement or discouragement from my parents when they learned about my sexual orientation. Alam na nila habang lumalaki ako and they managed to gradually accept me for who I am. So, I never bothered hiding my identity from my family. Being effeminate has never been an issue for them I guess, but cross-dressing is. Kaya as a result, I have never been confident in cross-dressing all these years.

I used to think that those people living in the closet must be very pathetic for not being brave enough to stand up for their identity. However, my college years proved to be an enlightening venue, especially after reading about Alfred Kinsey’s theoretical scale for measuring sexual orientation.

Despite what I’ve learned, there are still questions whose answers have eluded me all this time. They tend to focus on the matter regarding straight-acting gays and the closeted ones. As it turned out, my openly-gay friends can’t provide a sensible answer, kasi sila mismo hindi dumaan sa ganitong phase. Maybe this website’s community can provide insights.

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