Manila Gay Guy
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Hi Migs,

I never had an idea about you and your blog——until I bought one of your books out of curiosity.
Then I started to visit your blog and realized that I am not alone…that there are gay guys I can relate to. Just a different name, different sizes and different identities but we belong in just one community.

Here’s my story, I grew up in province and I used to be this effeminate gay guy until college. After graduation I decided to find a job here in Manila, and I don’t know why but I decided to change myself—-I mean, my preferences about everything. I started working out, bought new clothes and tried my best to really make myself look presentable and manly. I did all these things because I thought, that by becoming more manly, It’ll be easier for me to meet someone… someone I can call my partner.

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Hi Kuya Migs,

I need help kuya.

I’ve been a quiet reader for the past few years. Always thought about sending in a letter, but felt that my problems were miniscule in comparison to the ones being sent in. That is until today.

I’m Jamie (not my real name), a 23 year old IT professional in a bank at The Fort. My biggest issue in life prior to today, was that I was alone. I’ve never been in a relationship with either a girl or a boy. I’ve only kissed one person in my life and it was the same boy who I experimented with when I was in grade school.

I’d like to think I’m a smart guy, reflecting the education my parent’s paid for, and a values-oriented person, reflecting how I was raised by my parents. Eventhough I’ve known I was gay since I was watching Speed Racer (the cartoons) when I was a kid, I knew that I was going to be a bit traditional when it comes to my (future) relationships – that I won’t have sex on the first date, monogamy, a commitment ceremony (instead of a wedding), 2.5 kids (adopted or via surrogate), and a dog.

So tonight was a shock for me, because somehow in a single date I managed to destroy my belief system. For a smart guy, I did stupid pretty well.

I was on sick leave today, recovering from a bad asthma attack the previous day. I intended to stay in the entire day. Aside from TV, my only distraction was logging on to a gay social network’s chatroom application. I never took the people there seriously. So it was with a surprise that Gabby (not his real name), an 18 year old kid who’s in the same city as I, was very persistent in meeting me. I got concerned that he was appearing very eager to meet up that I acquiesced at the last minute to meet him – only to meet him. If only so he won’t be taken advantage of by other people.

So I went to the meeting place, met him and saw a tall (taller than my 5’7″), bigger (arms and torso more built than mine) and good looking kid. One of the first few things I told him was that he should be careful of who he was meeting, that he was appearing to eager to meet up. He actually seemed chastised that I felt bad for him. So I went and bought us drinks. When the area we were in became crowded, I suggested we talk in my dad’s van which I brought to the venue. It was there that Gabby disclosed his real age. He was not 18, he was only 14.

I was shocked to say the very least. He didn’t look 14 at all, he was like a boy in a man’s body.

What ensued was line after line after lecture after speech, about how dangerous it was to do this kind of thing. He seemed embarassed after that. I asked if he wanted to go home, he said he was going to wait for his cousins to pick him up. So we spent the next half hour talking about ourselves – him sharing his parent’s pressure on him to excel at school, and I sharing my experiences when I was his age. I don’t know how it happened, but after a while we were holding hands.

I told him I still can’t believe he’s 14. That his hand covered mine, bigger, rougher, compared to my slender and softer hand.

I remember telling him how adult-youth relationships end up with the adult being charged with statutory rape. And that he should be careful, for both himself and the guy he was with.

But for all my speeches, all it took for me to crumble was him pulling my head to his and planting a soft kiss. I know I should’ve pulled away and sent him home, but I didn’t. I wasn’t thinking anymore. What was in my head was how long it was that a strong pair of arms was around me and how long it was since I was kissed by a handsome guy. Long story short, I ended up making out with him, jacking him, sucking him off. In my dad’s van. In the parking lot.

He wanted to reciprocate, but it was only then that I got my senses back and begged off. Telling him that a security guard was now roaming the lot. We made out a bit more, but I drove him to just outside his village right after.

Gabby’s now texting lovey dovey messages, and I can’t help but reply. He is such a dashing young man and I’ve never felt anything like what I felt with him in my life. But I know I crossed a line.

I need help kuya. What do I do?

Jamie

PS. I told him to watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Told him he’s the Bridget to my Eric.

Dear Kuya Migs,

I am sitting at our boarding house’s roof. I wanted to take a breather from all the noise down below so that I can think about what to write and how to expose my greatest fear and ask for your advice.

I have been an avid reader of your blog, back then it was dominated by letters from people like us who are confused about something or when they need reassurance that it is okay for us to live this kind of life. I too was like them for the most part. I didn’t have any peers I could talk matters like these with, I don’t have that many friends who chose the same path as I did and most of all I hadn’t been totally true to myself. I would like to tell you how much it means to me that you and your blog exist. I could have gone blind forever, unmindful and ignorant of the things I should be aware of. You were clearly a “kuya” to me. I might never have the chance to meet you but still I know you are family.

Lately I haven’t been able to dream. I can’t seem to look at the future. I believe in living in the present, though I sometimes dwell on the past but I was never a visionary of the future up until when I realized how much it would help me to straighten myself up if I look forward to something that hasn’t been realized yet.

To say that I dream to be a journalist or a writer would be an understatement, I want to become one. To be one that is honed and almost perfected, to write to express not impress has always been the rule I have followed or at least tried my best to abide to. This semester I am on my third year, and knowing what I want to be when I finally graduate I’m sure you can make a guess on the course I am taking up.

So here is what hinders me from totally realizing my dream. I am scared to be HIV positive. I sort of engaged on this stuff when I had the word teen attached on my age. It sort of became a routine when I was at my senior year in high school. Now I am 19, and am trying to straighten up and make the most of this last teen year, but this feeling of unease due to being aware that such a disease is not just something that people older than me are vulnerable to I started to become scared. By then stories of young men falling to the ground like mosquitos like what you said started to surface and I tried to deny it to myself that I am at risk too. I felt that I should do some research about it, its signs and symptoms, and I tried to evaluate myself if I have experienced those things, and I really am scared. I’m not sure yet but still the thought of having a death sentence was way too much for me, just when I started to worry about my future, just when I started to dream big for myself and for my family and just when I found the reason to live.

I want to get myself tested, so that I may be able to know my fate but I don’t have someone to accompany me to a place where I can get tested. Most of you guys from MGGFF are from Manila, and I’m here in the city where the Duterte’s govern. I’m also scared that if I get tested people would know my classmates, my teachers, and the school I am in. I’m not the type of person who wants to drag others in my demise; I just want to know so that if and if I fall in love with someone I can avoid him and not exposing him to the risk of being infected.

I want to know so that I could slowly start saying my goodbyes, make the most of the years left, reach for my dreams so that the only regret in my life would be not being careful, being too naïve and being weak in the face of temptation.

I want to ask God to spare me from that damned virus but I’m scared to tell Him that. I am not worthy to ask such from the Divine Being who gave me life. I wasted it. So I ask from you to tell me what I should do. I want to know so badly, I want to get this weight of my chest and I want to make up for the mistakes I have done to my family. Help me kuya Migs and oh . . .

my name is K.

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Dear K,

Hi Kuya Migs, Nainspire akong magsulat ng story ko sa kakabasa ng mga letters sa page mo. Anyway my story goes like this.

Ako si Mark, 21 anyos. 5’7, med-built,Fair complexion at Dating Sales Rep. ng isang Book store sa Mall. Well of course, Straight acting din ako.
I think nararamdaman ng family ko na may kakaiba sakin, pero siyempre kuya migs dedma nalang diba.Hirap din silang magtanong sakin about sa gender ko.

Palagi din ako sa mga chatrooms like G4M pero na block ng IP ko ang site na yun at hindi ko na alam kung paano ibalik, nahihiya naman akong ipaayos sa mga kaibigan kong marunong sa pc siyempre tatanongin ako nung mga yun kung anong site ba ang gustong kong ipaayos.hayyyy nako kuya, alam ko marami sa mga readers ngayon ang makakarelate.Siguro, Isa na rin nga ako sa mga modernong TNT (Tago Ng Tago) sa sariling bansa. 🙁

Sa kakahanap ko ng pamalit sa site na ito, may nakuha akong messenger na pwedeng mag chat sa room with all other Bi-gays and trippers.Di ko alam kung bakit gustong gusto ko pumasok sa mga ganyan. Siiguro nga kasi, dun lang ako nakakahanap ng freedom at acceptance. Kumbaga dun ako nakahanap ng sarili kong mundo.

One day, nagkaroon ako ng ka-close dito sa room na ito at naging magkaibigan kami. Itago nalang natin sya sa name na Dude.29 yrs.old med-built,chinito,kutis mayaman at isa siyang doctor ng isang pribadong ospital sa pinas.

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Hi Migs,

I’ve been a reader of your blogs ever since. I also support your HIV screenings once in a while. Funny thing, I went with my boyfriend in two of those events.

Anyway, here is my problem. I recently discovered that my boyfriend has an alter twitter account. If you’re unfamiliar with the alter twitter-verse, it’s full of usually gay men who posts their bodies and sexual encounters. These men use an alternate twitter (not their public twitter) to do this. I follow several of them in my public account for porn, you know jacking off mostly.

I confronted him about it. He said he only created that to check up on me, because I follow these alter accounts on twitter. I said to him that I only use them for porn. I don’t even have an alter account because I find it so cumbersome. I saw his posts in his alter account there were several posts with photos on it (half naked). Some tweets with some our conversation topics. He said it was to lure me on taking the bait. If I do have an alter and I saw his alter posts I will have to find to talk him about it. Which makes sense. But the thing that bothered me the most is he has a direct message from some alter asking to have a hook up, and he replied “Where and where?”. That guy replied back, but he didn’t. I asked him about that and he said, he wanted to see if it was me. He said to me: “You see, I didn’t respond to his messages after I asked him ‘when and where?'”. Because after he knew that it wasn’t me, he stopped.

The last activity in that account was November 2016. He said that was the last time he opened his alter. I saw it on his phone because he forgot how the password and just remembered it. He deleted his alter account in front me and apologized. His ex did that to him. He was paranoid that he wanted to check on me too. His ex had several Facebook accounts and PR accounts, he did the same to his ex to catch him, because his ex was fooling around. That’s why they broke up.

I guess my question is should I believe him? I believed him because I love him so much. I forgave him and we made up. But what do you think? Am I being too forgiving here? I love him so much.

Thanks,
N.A.A.H. (No Alter Account Holder)

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Dear Migs,

I just want to share this with you.

I never did something sexually before. Though I am on the right age (I think), I choose not to because.. reasons. (I am still in the closet. I think my friends and family may have an idea… but I am not out yet.)

But today, I did it with someone I did not imagine that I will do it with. I can’t even write this down because of regret… You know those young boys on the streets that offers you “massage?” He is one of them. He keeps bugging me every time he sees me. I never thought that I will entertain him but I REALLY DON’T KNOW why I did this time.

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derek-ramsay

hei migs,

almost a year na pala na nagsend ang boyfriend ko ng letter nya sa blog. he introduced ur blog to me because he said some of the letters daw e nakakatuwa basahin because of the issue. i was reading some of the letters but im sorry to say na stop reading. then after a year i came back to check.

im the boyfriend ng isang issue mo na confused OFW. ako yung mr derek ramsey look-alike na sinasabi nya. nakakatuwa even dito sa site yun pa rin ang tawag nya. i miss him so much. totoo ang lahat ng sinabi nya sa message mo about sa petty things na nauuwi sa hiwalayan pero di ako pumapayag kaya wala siyang magawa. i’m here not to seek an advice how to forget him but to win his heart again. siguro marami magsasabi na tanga ako if u see him compare with me. pero it’s not about the physical looks, it’s about unconditional love. i tried to do everything with our relationship at tama ka sa sinabi mo na nakakapanghinayang ang mga memories na pinagsamahan namin.

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Hi Migs,

I was deeply attracted and had feelings for a close friend of mine who is straight but is bisexual at times. I am bisexual. me and him have been intimate with each other numerous of times but I started falling for him hard so I stopped hanging with him and talking to him for awhile and wasn’t having sex with him. well I decided to move back in at his house a couple months ago and we started back messin around here and there and now I’ve kinda caught feelings for him again. I try to shake those feelings as much as I can and try to push them to the side but it makes me want him even more. he is cool messin around from time to time but said he would never date a guy and I would love to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know what to do. I need some serious advice.

– M.N.

 

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Allow me to publish this note I received from a mother named Jennifer, who’s just beaming with pride because of her son. Jennifer – I am so proud of you! Dear readers, send Jennifer a dose of your rainbow thoughts and wishes!

Dear Migs,

Last week, my 7-year-old was on the football field happily holding hand with another little boy. After the game, as we were returning home, I asked him if he is gay. He said yes. I asked him if the neighbor girl was still his girlfriend. He said, “we’re just friends”. I explained that some people like boys and girls, and asked if he did. He replied, “I kind of like girls, but I’m gay”. I consider this a parenting win. I’m so proud that my child feels safe saying, “I’m gay”, without fear of judgement from his parents.

Jennifer

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Hi Kuya Migs!

I identify myself as a young closeted *confused* lad, jacking off to numerous gay porn, fantasizing big (chubby/muscular) bodies etc, reading some gay fanfiction. movies about gay life etc. but I just really cannot connect or being friends with guys.

Everytime I am seeing a guy,regardless of where I am right now (In freshman year in college somewhere in Taft) my first impression ko sa kanila was the arrogant & cocky type, yung tipong mahilig mang-trip/mang-asar ng ibang tao. Also pala, yung mga typical interests ng mga boys, like online gaming, dota, some anime, basketball, sports, cars etc. never nakong nagkaroon ng interest.

And everytime some guy/manong calls me “pare”, “boss”, “brad” etc. I cringe… I really don’t know why. Maybe that I’ve developed some form of misandry or an identity crisis that I had experienced since my elementary days, where almost no boy wants to befriend me. I only had girls as my friends since then. Nagtuloy-tuloy ito during my highschool days, where most of guys in my age visit computer shops & playing basketball but I never had any interests in those things, as in wala talaga, hindi ako mag-clclick sa kanila (baka pati na rin sa inyo).

And the result is, wala akong naging kaibigan na mga lalaki ever since. Dahil nga, how can I be friends with them if I really do not have a common interest with them, e ano paguusapan natin?

And sadly, i’m really attracted physically & sexually to guys, gusto ko na nga maging babae eh.. 😛

I need some answers about my real identity is… wag kayong magagalit o maoffend sa mga words na nabasa nyo. 🙂

– Renzo

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