Manila Gay Guy

Let’s hear it from the other side. Here’s a letter from a former masseur, who generously shares his story. Thanks, Nel.

Dear Migs,

I have been an avid reader of your blog site for almost a year now. My friend shared me your site- maybe in his desire to facilitate answers to my redundant questions about manila masseurs faster than he really could. In fact, I would not allow a day to pass without visiting your wellness link to update my list of the latest scoops and hot masseurs that should soon be tucked into my suitcase before my departure to manila for me and fellow PLU’s annual Christmas vacation.

I am Nel, a closeted gay in my late forties, an accountant by profession who acquired a citizenship here in USA after I was petitioned by my employer/lover. I have too many complexities in my personality that had been brought about by the numerous hazy chapters of my gay life. I’d like to share some of my own experience, just to find release after I made some disclosures about my murky past as reaction to a comment posted by one of your readers (masseurs, masseurs post. comments #’s 1359, 1361 and 1366.) I’d like to see it posted as a contribution in your site, so that others may be inspired and believe there is life after the massage bed or for whatever purpose it could serve to the readers.
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Dear Migs, I don’t know you personally except through your blog. And amidst the titillation and the good advice through the experiences through your blog you have touched my life. I don’t believe you to be an expert, let alone a role model. I prefer a friend. At least a friend can cry with you, or at least laugh with you, foibles and heartache, bad judgments and triumphs. So please keep on being yourself. I don’t think anybody should ask more from you than being you. Though megalomania and messianic prophecy aside, I think you really are special. – Sam

Thank you, Sam. I needed that!

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I think this letter/story is quite touching, so I’m featuring it here. “Skye” thanks for sharing!

hi migs,

with the consecutive typhoons hitting our country people started to dread the rain. rain shouldn’t be feared nor rejected. the rain itself is not the root cause of our problems. we badly need better drainage and better waste management. i sure hope i don’t sound insensitive and selfish when i say that i love the rain. (i said rain and not typhoons.)

the rain has always been a friend of mine. it has brought me many wonderful memories. i would like to share with you one of them. migs, have you ever felt love slip right out of your hands.. like it was incredibly close that you could touch it, grab it.. but then you somehow lost the chance to do so? this is exactly how i felt with this person. (more…)

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hi migs. i’ve read one of your posts…and the comments regarding bi married man having relationship with other man. i myself is married with 2 kids and is now in a relationship with an 18 yr old guy with a lot of gf’s… this is my first relationship with another man after 12 yrs of marriage..i am his first. It isnt easy for both of us…we argue a lot… because we dont know how to handle this kind of relationship. There are lots of risk for both of us. i dont want to destroy my family and jeopardize the future of my kids. and he doesn’t want to break his 5-yr relationship with one of his gf. But more than anything we are really best of friends and we don’t want to break the bond between us… we have separated a lot of times but we keep on coming back to save the relationship… sometimes i make the first move most of the time he would say sorry and try to win me back… ron

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Dear readers, our letter sender below would appreciate if you can give him a piece of your mind. Feel free to comment and provide encouragement to our dear kapatid.

Dearest Migs,

It’s my first time to write you. I just recently discovered your site and upon seeing it I became instantly addicted, what with all the fabulous pictures of beautiful boys and men, no wonder lots of gay guys can become easily hooked, including me.

I’m a gay guy, no doubt about it.

Migs, sumulat nga pala ako dahil gusto ko ring i-share ang aking buhay sa milyun-milyon mong tagasubaybay, plus the fact na nais ko ring humingi ng words of advice regarding my present situation.

I have been in existence for 38 years now and yet I feel like I am “empty” and “worthless“.

You know Migs, I was born in a family that hated gays, literally, especially my father.

Bata pa lang ako ay ipinaramdam na nila sa akin ang labis nilang pagkamuhi sa mga bakla.

And yet, bata pa rin lang ako ay ramdam ko nang berde ang kulay ng dugo na dumadaloy sa akin.

Pero dahil sa naramdaman kong labis nilang pag-oppose sa aking tunay na pagkatao ay pinili kong i-suppress at itago ito for a long time.

I’m a late bloomer Migs. 32 na ako nang una akong makaranas ng sex with a guy. At that age din tuluyan kong na -accept ang aking pagkatao, kasabay ng aking “baptism of fire”. Hindi pa ako totally nagka-come out, kasi nga sa family ko ay hindi pa rin tanggap ang aking “lihim na kalansay”. Hindi pa rin nila matanggap hanggang ngayon na meron silang anak na sirena, after all these years.

I’m nearing 40, and yet I can’t see myself beginning at that age. Marami akong tanong tungkol sa buhay Migs. And madalas akong mag-muni muni tungkol sa buhay nating mga bading. Would you be kind enough to at least explain or give me some new insights about gay life Migs?

Lately I have this thought na I’m not living any life at all. Pakiramdam ko ba ay wala akong halaga at silbi sa mundong ito. For a clearer point of view, I have identified certain areas in my life that needs rethinking and overhaul, I suppose.

Financial Difficulties — wala akong pinag-aralan Migs, that’s a fact. Dahil na rin siguro sa aking kabaklaan, kaya nagkandaletse-letse ang aking school background. At dahil dito ay ilang beses akong nagpalipat-lipat ng trabaho. Hanggang sa mapagod na rin akong mag-work at nagpasyang huminto. Gamit ang maliit na puhunan, nagtayo ako ng negosyo. Pero nakailang venture ako sa business, wala ring nangyari. Nalugi at nawala ang lahat ng business ko pati ang puhunan. Hanggang sa magising na lang ako isang araw na wala na akong pera kahit isang kusing. Ang masakit, kasabay na nawala ang mga dati’y malapit sa akin na mga tao. I am now living dependently on my parents’ allowance. Pero masakit ang mga patutsada nila na “hindi ko raw kayang tumayo sa aking sariling mga paa”. Sadly, I have accepted this fact Migs, na isa nga akong “lampa” at “parasite”. Nilunok ko na lang ang lahat ng pride ko dahil alam kong wala akong ibang mapupuntahan.

Emotional Trauma — malaki ang effect ng hatred ng family ko sa Homosexuality, sa aking emotional quotient. Lahat ng klase ng panlalait at pangmamaliit ay narinig ko mula sa kanila. Kaya naman heto ang naging resulta sa akin-marami akong kinatatakutan. I am shy, afraid of rejections, negative thinker, stage frightened, nervous, coward, and feel inferior to everyone. I think wala nang pride na natitira pa sa akin dahil sa mga kabiguang naranasan ko.

Spiritual Conflict — I am a very religious person Migs, back then nung hindi ko pa tanggap ang sarili ko. I have turned to religion to find the answers regarding my sexuality. But unfortunately, ay hindi ko nahanap dito ang mga kasagutan regarding my existence. Sadly ay ginulo pa nga nito ang aking mga perspective regarding gay life. I believe in God for sure. But I can’t reconcile my faith in God with what I believe in and what I am actually feeling. Hindi ba pwedeng maniwala na lang tayo na may Diyos na nagmamahal no matter what or who you are? Regardless kung anong relihiyon ang kinaaaniban mo?

Love and Relationship — I’m in the middle of a relationship Migs. Pero wala ring kwenta. I think puro pera lang ang habol ng mga lalaki ngayon sa mga gays na tulad ko. Ayoko namang pumatol sa mga kapwa ko bakla. Pero kung lalaki naman ay tiyak na huhuthutan ka lang, hanggang sa masimot ang buong bulsa mo. Minsan nagsasawa na ako at gusto ko nang kumalas. Pero ano ang pumipigil sa akin para gawin ito?

Migs, pasensya ka na at ginulo ko ang mundo mo. Nais ko lang talagang humingi ng mga insights at perspective regarding gay life. Sana pagaksayahan mo ng lakas at tinta ang liham kong ito na sagutin mo. Base sa mga payo at advice na nabasa ko galing sa iyo, I believe na may malawak kang kaisipan at pang-unawa hinggil dito. Please share your thoughts Migs.

Minsan parang gusto ko na lang tumigil at huminto sa pag-exist dahil tila ba wala namang kwenta ang mabuhay. But then, naiisip ko na, ganun na lang ba ako magpapatalo sa labang ito ng buhay?

Pero ang tanong, hanggang kailan ako makikipaglaban? Habang may buhay? Habang may hininga?

Sorry if very depressing ang letter ko. I just want to hear from you guys.

Migs, I dream of a world where everyone exists na may paggalang at respeto sa pagkatao ng kanyang kapwa, maging sino, ano, at alin man siya. Is it a far-fetched and wild imaginations Migs?

Hihintayin ko ang sagot mo Migs. Maraming salamat!

- Edgar

Dearest Edgar,

Maraming salamat sa iyong sulat. Ilang araw na ang nakalipas noong una kong nabasa ang email mo, at ang unang sinabi ko sa sarili ko, tiyak sasaguting ko sa MGG ang liham mo. Una, dahil ramdam ko ang pagiging totoo mo. Ikalawa, napakagaling mong magsalaysay. Ikatlo, naniniwala ako na may taglay kang lakas na maaari mong gamitin sa pagbabago, sa oras na gustuhin mo ito. Ikaapat at huli, marahil ay marami rin ang makapagbibigay ng sarili nilang kuru-kuro ukol sa iyong sitwasyon kapag nailathala ko ang sulat mo sa blog ko.

Edgar, sa salaysayin mo ng kung sino ka at sa lahat ng iyong pinagdaanan, batid ko na matagal ka na ring naghahanap ng lugar mo sa mundong ito. Edgar maniwala ka at isapuso mo na tunay na may lugar ka sa mundong ito. Kahit anupamang muhi o panlilibak ang narinig mo noong ikaw ay lumalaki at nagkakaisip, huwag mong kakalimutang narito ka dahil may lugar ka rito. Napakadali kung sasabihin ko sa iyong kalimutan mo na ang nakaraan, at harapin mo ang ngayon, ngunit alam kong hindi tugma sa realidad ang suhestiyong iyon. Siguro mas akma kung sabihin kong mas bigyang-pansin mo ang iyong pangarap sa hinaharap.

Napakarami mo nang napagdaanan, Edgar, ang bawat liko at lubak na iyong tinahak ay may kaakibat na bigat na siyang nakadantay ngayon sa iyong balikat. Paano mo kaya ito pakakawalan? Naitanong ko sa kadahilanang alam kong napakahirap sumulong tungo sa iyong pangarap kung dala-dala mo pa ang bigat ng mapapait na nakaraan.

Release the hurt, and forgive those who have wronged you. Forgive not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because it is the best way for your wounds to heal.

Ukol naman sa mga kasawiang naranasan mo, nawa’y ituring mo ito hindi bilang dagok ngunit bilang paunang aral upang sa mga susunod mong pagsubok ay mas matibay ka’t mas matatag.

Sabi nga nila, life begins at 40. Why don’t you take the next 2 years as your preparation period for a wonderful 40th birthday celebration, a most opportune time to celebrate a full reinvention of self? Plan things out, and take baby steps. I suggest you pick one or two areas in your life that you want to make some changes on. Make small steps towards your goals, and you might just surprise yourself after a while. And, believe that success begets success. After some taste of it, move on to other areas in your life where you want some changes. Little by little, your life will change before your very eyes.

Lastly, you are empty and worthless only if you believe it. I say, believe otherwise. You said, “I dream of a world where everyone exists na may paggalang at respeto sa pagkatao ng kanyang kapwa, maging sino, ano, at alin man siya.” I say, I dream with you of the same exact thing. I think many others dream with us, and I hope many more can help in making this dream of ours a reality.

Be well, Edgar, and please say with me: “World Peace!”

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Hi Migs,

First of all, please allow me to greet you a pleasant good day.

Just call me Dee, straight acting at kahit papano may itsura rin, pero deep inside of me ay bading na bading ako, im 28 yrs and working as an OFW. Magdadalawang taon na ako dito sa kumpanyang aking pinapasukan pero hanggang ngayon virgin pa ako sa pakikipag talik sa kapwa ko pilipino sa takot kong matsismis o masira ang aking reputasyon, pero sa ibang lahi ay marami-rami na akong nakatalik at diko na mabilang kung ilan silang lahat.

May crush akong pinoy, sya si Jigs isa sya sa maraming pinoy engineers namin dito sa company, matangkad, moreno at gwapo. Tahimik lang sya at madalas sa pinaka dulo ng service bus sya nakaupo kapag uwian na namin. Unang kita ko palang sa kanya dito sa office namin ay kinabog na agad ang aking puso at mula nga nuon ay naging pantasya ko na sya gabi-gabi. Kahit may pagtingin ako sa kanya ay diko ipinahalata sa kanya but deep inside of me ay kinikilig ako kapag nakangiti sya sa akin kapag nagkaka salubong kami sa hallway or sa labas.

Hanggang sa lumalim na ang aking nararamdaman at naging LOVE na yata ito, kaya ng diko na mapigil pa ang aking nararamdaman ay nag e-mail ako sa kanya using other e-mail address, sabi ko nung una na HI CAN YOU BE MY FRIEND, nag reply naman sya ng OK LANG. Nung una ayaw kong sabihin ang tunay kong identity at panay lang ang send ko ng messages reminding him to be safe always etc….. at yun nga lang nakaka-irita kasi sa sobrang haba ng mga messages ko ay iisang word lang ang reply nya na palaging THNX lang.

Hanggang isang araw nagulat nalang ako ng sabihin nyang “parang kilala na kita pero di ako sure kung ikaw nga yun pero malakas ang kutob kong ikaw yun pero oks lang sa akin at thnx Dee” Natopak ako ng husto pero pilit parin akong nag deny na ako yun pero sabi nya “Kung di ikaw yun sana dimo ako ginugudtime lang” at mula nga nuon dina sya nag rereply sa messages ko at namis ko ang replies nyang THANX lang. Dahil mahal ko sya ay umamin na ako at hiniling ko sa kanya na sana ay mananatiling lihim ang aking pagkatao sa lahat at sabi nya PROMISE YOU HAVE MY WORD.

Sa sobrang hiya ko, di ako makatingin ng diretso sa kanya at natigil narin ang pagpapadala ko ng messages sa kanya, luka-luka lang talaga siguro ako kasi minsan nakasalubong ko sya at kinausap nya ako at sobrang smile sya sa akin, syempre kinilig na naman ako kaya masaya na ulit ako. Hnaggang ngayon nag ngingitian naman kami kapag nagkaka salubong kami pero nararamdaman kong medyo nahihiya sya sa akin at ako man ay di rin makatagal na makipag titigan sa kanya kasi parang nalulusaw ako sa mga titig nya. Alam ko rin na alam na nya na di lang friendship ang gusto kong mangyari kaya medyo nahihiya na sya siguro sa akin. Kung dipa dahil sa ALIMASAG ay baka dipa kami magkakaroon ng chance na magpalitan ng mga messages na medyo mahaba-haba ang replies nya.

Migs ang problema ko ngayon ay kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na feel ko syang maka bed of roses. Madalas naman akong yayain ng inuman ng kanyang mga kasamahan sa accomodation nila pero ang worries ko lang ay mahina at madali akong malasing at baka imbes na matikman ko sya ay baka tulugan ko lang sila sa sobrang kalasingan ko at takot din akong malasing kasi madali akong mauto-uto.

Migs sana matulungan mo ako kasi parang masisiraan na ako ng bait kung pano ko sya matitikman kasi ang tagal ko ng naghihintay. Ano ba ang magandang gawin para maramdaman nya na feel na feel ko syang maka bed of roses. Dapat ko bang sabihin sa kanya na matagal ko na syang crush, pero natatakot naman akong baka i-reject nya ako.

Lubos na gumagalang Dee

Dear Dee,

Sa unang pagkabasa ko ng liham mo, aaminin kong napakunot-noo ako. Sabi ko, yun lang ba talaga ang gusto niya? Na ma-”bed of roses” niya si Jigs? Mabilis ko rin namang nasagot ang sarili ko (oo, may pagka-schizophrenic ako, lalo na ngayong nasa ibang bansa ako at malimit na walang makausap). Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi, ukol sa nararamdaman mo kay Jigs: “…hanggang sa lumalim na ang aking nararamdaman at naging LOVE na yata ito.”

Alam mo Jigs, kung talagang “bed of roses” lang ang habol mo sa kanya, napakadali. Pero nararamdaman ko na hindi lang iyon ang gusto mo. Para bang gusto mo rin yatang subukang buksan ang puso ni Jigs, at magbaka-sakaling higit pa sa pakikipagkaibigan ang maaari ninyong maging turingan. Tama ba ang naiisip ko?

Kung mahal mo nga siyang talaga, at nagnanais ka na mahalin din ni Jigs, ihanda mo ang sarili mo. Ihanda mong tahakin ang landas na kay-rami nang sumubok. May mga nabigo, ngunit mayroon din namang nagtagumpay. Sa aking pagkakaalam, matarik ang landasing ito, kaya nga ang payo ko sa iyo ay ihanda mo ang sarili mo. “Paano?,” maaring susunod na tanong mo. Kadalasan, sa karamihan ng umusbong na pag-ibig, nagdadaan ito sa pakikipagkaibigan. Ika nga, friendship is the seed of long-lasting love. Bakit di mo subuking maging isang tunay na kaibigan ni Jigs? Alam kong matagal mo nang inaasam na ikama ang lalaking iyan, pero kung talagang pagmamahal ang hanap mo, kung pangmatagalan ang gusto mo, baka kailangan mong maging mas pasensiyoso. Siyempre, hindi kasiguraduhan na magtatagumpay ka, dahil malay ba naman natin kung talagang diretso pa sa ruler yang si Jigs. I mean, baka naman kahit anong tambling mo eh di talaga magmamahal yan ng isang sirena. We don’t know, yet you can try. And when you succeed, aba, ultimong kampana sa North Pole eh kakalembang sa tuwa.

Kung talaga namang sex lang ang habol mo sa kanya, ito naman ang maipapayo ko. Gawin mo ang lahat para siya mismo ang humingi nito. Na siya mismo ang kumalabit sa iyo at magsabi, “Dee, ok lang ba sa iyo…?” Paano, ika mo? Madali lang yan. Una, kilalanin mo siya — ano ba ang history niya sa sex? Pumatol na ba siya sa bading dati? (kung oo, aba, eh di napakadali naman na pala ng gusto mo.) Relaxed lang ba siya sa ganitong usapan, o medyo homophobic siya? Kapag alam mo na kung nasaan siya sa spectrum, mas makakapag-adjust ka. Sa tingin mo ba, mas kumportable siya kung medyo pa-girl ka? O baka mas may chance kung itutuloy mo ang pagiging pamintang durog? Hija, gamitin ang utak. For more ideas, hahayaan ko na ang ibang MGG readers na mag-suggest. O di kaya naman ay basahin ang post na ito at ito pa. Basta’s huwag kakalimutan ang bilin ko, uulitin ko ha, gawin mong siya mismo ang humiling ng sex. Kapag nagawa mo yan, kokoronahan kita ng bonggang-bongga. At pakakalembangin din natin yang kampana sa North Pole — to the tune of “Nobadi Ba-chooo!”

O, siya, Dee, magpaganda ka na. Salamat sa pagsulat.

Kumakandirit ever, ang Ate mong pagka-minsa’y kunsintidora…

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hi migs,

just one of your silent reader, who’s now asking for another perspective.

call me mark, turned 33 years old this year, pretty much succesful and self-made. been in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who is 10 years my senior. we met when i was 23, got together and have made a life for ourselves. it wasn’t a perfect life, we’ve had our ups and downs and our share of heartaches and joys. ive always felt that my life with him was ok, God-sent and God-willing; I know I wouldnt be where i am right now without his support and his love.

In the course of the relationship, I had unconciously/subconciously gave up my friends; especially my single friends and the late-night lifestyle. instead, i embraced my partner’s preferred life and friends. At the time it seemed perfect.

Lately however, i saw some friends on facebook, browsed their pages and somehow i felt that these friends had the life, which to my mind, I would have had (or even I should have had) had I not embraced his life and lifestyle. dreaded what-ifs are starting to show in my head.

It’s not that I resent the choice I made to be with him and embrace the life we have. NOT AT ALL.
Resent is such a strong word for something that I know I had a hand in as well. Its just my mind wandering and wondering–what ifs? and what should i do now? do i insist on re-treading a different lifestyle? or do i stick with what i have and what has worked? mind you, i dont intend on giving the relationship up, only that I take on new friends of my own and breaking away from our couple-dom. and so where do i begin?

honestly, i dont even know if i have a question, but i guess i just need an outsider’s point of view, and another perspective.

thanks
mark

Hello Mark,

You are very blessed. I say that not only because you have a wonderful relationship with your partner of 10 years, but also because you are going through one of the most exciting times of your life. Your age, and the questions that are now floating in your mind strongly suggest that you are in a life transition. Some people call it midlife, as you yourself suggested, but I prefer to call it a life transition.

Mark, keep in mind that life transitions like yours are normal. This means that there is no need to panic, and I assure you, there is nothing wrong with you or with the questions you have been thinking about. This is precisely the time when, because of your years, you have already lived quite a full life, and have achieved certain things, that other parts of your life previously on the sidelines start to make themselves felt, front and center. While this is understandably quite unnerving at first, I assure you, it is very natural.

Your what ifs, what should i do now, and other similar inquiries are part of life’s natural course; you may think of them as invitations to live a fuller life, one that is lived with more self-awareness, and if you so choose, a journey to self-actualization. What I’m saying is, huwag kang mabahala.

You are blessed, and I say this again because it seems to me that you have been given a chance to be more conscious about your life transition. Some people, for whatever reason, go through transitions without them knowing it. They think that asking questions like yours is inappropriate, or even insane, and because of that, they fail to honor the natural course of things, leading to perhaps, not being able to reap the benefits of the phase. But you are blessed because you are going through your transition with a lot of self-awareness. You know that while you are asking these questions, there are certain things you value that will not change — your love for your partner, and your loyalty to the relationship you have nurtured these past 10 years.

Having said all of that — and because you asked “where do I begin?” — I would add that this is a time for a lot of internal work. By this term “internal work” I mean those things you imagine when I say the following words: reflection, prayer, retreat, pondering, silence, rethinking, reinvention, metamorphosis. Do it in whatever way you want to do it. Let the questions you ask help you dive deep into yourself in a more powerful way, to reevaluate your values, then figure out what you want to hold on to and let go of, what you then want to take on, and then move on. All these need a lot of internal work, and yes, a lot of energy. Think of it like the caterpillar’s cocooning phase. It’s that “dark period” when the caterpillar spins a pupa around itself, immobilizes itself, so that it can transform and metamorphose into something so different, yet ironically essentially the same organism.

During this cocooning phase, I suggest for you to be very open to your partner. Intensify your communication with him, in quantity and quality. He is your partner in whatever phase in your life. Tell him about what is happening to you. He can be a very big help.

Your question about taking on new friends is quite simple. Go, have fun and mingle, and take on new friends. But I suggest before venturing out, be clear on your intentions, and be clear on what you want to achieve. Is it to escape? (And, if so, escape what?) Or is it to experience things you miss given your current set of friends? Whatever your intentions are, that’s fine, as long as you have given enough thought to it and are clear.

Lastly, let me address one emotion that may be lurking in you now, or just around the corner, just because transitions naturally evoke this particular emotion: FEAR. I’ll address it with the following words, written by a good friend, as I think it captures the essence of what I want to convey to you:

… Fear is a cycle, a natural human instinct that prepares us and propels us into greatness. When we overcome our fears (and) arrive on the other side – only greatness can happen – really. Only greatness, because we have taken them on, dealt with them as best we could and regardless of how it turned out, we arrived on the other side much more knowledgeable than we ever were when we started.

What a wonderful gift from God – this FEAR.

It compels us to be present; to be our best; to show up; and to pay attention.

It has so much in common with LOVE – 4 letters, two vowels/two consonants, intermingled with emotion, the basic drivers of everything we do, and both are just so amazingly rewarding when we allow ourselves to experience them and live our lives through them.

Really.

You are blessed, Mark. I wish you all the best!

With love,

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Hi Migz,

I’ve been planning to write you a letter, matagal na. Pero when I heard Kiko’s podcast, nagdecide na ako, eto na talaga. But how should I start? Sige na nga, the usual.
 
I’m Vincent. I’m 22 years old. As of the moment, hindi ko alam kung ano ako, but I can say na hindi ako straight. I’ve had lot of encounters na. It started when I was a kid. Nakita ko porn stuff ng dad ko. Watched it. And by then, curious na ako makakita ng tite. There even came a point na yung mga kuya ko, kapag tulog, sisilipan ko. Ewan ko. Curious lang ako siguro kung ano ang makikita ko. Tapos yung isa naming kapitbahay, pinahawak pa niya sa akin. I guess, that’s where it all started. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang sunod doon. Ang alam ko lang, dahil sa internet, lalo akong na-introduce sa gay porn. Mga sites na M2M. Tapos chat. Webcam.

Yung first experience ko was inside Alta Cinema. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ba ang meron doon. Nagulat ako. Chupaan here and there. Parang may free access ka to hold anyone’s dick sa loob. Doon ako unang nachupa. Pumayag ako just for the heck of it. After I came, I ran out agad, tago. Baka makita niya mukha ko. Matapang ako sa loob kasi madilim e.

Nasundan ‘yun when a friend of mine, my so-called Kuya, asked me if I wanted to come with him sa dorm niya. Inaantok na kami pareho that time kaya sumama ako. Nung nakahiga na kame, bigla siyang yumakap tapos he confessed that he’s bisexual, tapos hinalikan ako. Hindi na ako nakapalag. Or should I say, hindi na ako pumalag. Again, for experience and curiosity. We did not have anal sex. Puro blowjob, kissing and handjob. Paguwi ko ng bahay nun, I told myself, stop na. Ayaw ko na. Pero pag itetext niya ako na makipagmeet, it’s as if wala akong magawa. Mas natatalo ng libog ang utak ko. I was 18 then. For three years siguro, occasionally, nagkikita kame. This year, sobrang dalang na. I changed my number a couple of times at hindi ko ibinibigay sa kanya, pero pag tinamaan na naman ng kalibugan, tinetext ko siya.

He’s not the only guy na natikman ko at natikman ako. There was this friend na bi. May boyfriend siya before, then they broke up. He didn’t know what I was into. (Syempre, walang nakakaalam. Actually Migs, first time ko ishare ang lahat ng ‘to.) Anyway, after my “Kuya”, this “friend” became my “parausan”. After quite some time, nagka-gf siya, ako din. So stop na kami.

Last December naman, fresh from a break up (with my girlfriend), lumabas kami ng kabarkada ko. Malayo ang bahay ko kaya nakitulog ako sa kanila. Wala akong idea na trip niya ang mga lalaki. Bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang kamay niya gumagapang. Tapos yun na. We talked about it. Wala lang sa kanya. Kahit sa akin naman, wala lang din.

You know what’s funny? For me, pag sa guys, lust lang lahat. Madami na din ako nagiging girlfriends, and sa kanila ko nakikita ang love. Pag libog, sa guys. May ganun kaya talaga? O ako lang? I have no girlfriend since September last year. One year na. And whenever wala akong gf, feeling ko, for everyone’s consumption itong junior ko. Because of G4M, I discovered the secrets of public restrooms. MRT hipuans and stuff like those. Even in resorts. Random encounters.
 
I don’t really know the point of sending you my letter, Migz. Parang wala naman kwenta e. Haha. Pero sige, send ko na din. I just felt na gusto ko i-share sa’yo buhay ko, and maybe I want to hear your views about me.
 
Thanks Migz. Hope to hear from you, soon!
-Vincent

Hello Vincent,

Salamat as sulat mo, at sa pagbabahagi mo ng kuwento ng buhay mo. Sigurado ako marami ang nakaka-relate sa iyo na nagbabasa nitong blog ko. Kaya naman gusto ko ring bigyang hustisya ang effort mo by sharing with you my honest thoughts.

Let me tell you what I noticed as I read your letter. Una ay iyong element of indecision. Sa kuwento mo tungkol as escapades mo, particularly yung sa Alta at sa paglalaro-laro mo with your “Kuya,” I noticed the battle inside you — parang gusto mo na ayaw mo. Next element na na-notice ko sa kuwento mo ay ang hiya, or shame. Sabi mo tungkol dun sa kababalaghan sa Alta, “after I came, I ran out agad, (nag)tago. Baka makita… mukha ko.”

I’m taking notice of these 2 elements (indecision and shame) just so you can also start being more aware of the situation. Think about these feelings of indecision and shame, not to judge yourself with them, rather, take them as inspiration to delve deeper into yourself. Maaari mong itanong sa sarili mo, bakit nga ba ako di mapakali? Ano ba ang gusto ko sa pakikipag-sex sa lalake? Bakit ba ako nahihiya? Ano ang kahiya-hiya sa mga ginagawa ko? Bakit ito kahiya-hiya? The self-knowledge you will gain in asking these questions is very important. Mas makikilala mo ang sarili mo. Let your answers to these questions guide you to become a more empowered person.

Sinabi mo rin sa letter mo, “For me, pag sa guys, lust lang lahat. Madami na din ako nagiging girlfriends, and sa kanila ko nakikita ang love. Pag libog, sa guys.” Allow me to address this too, Vincent. Hindi ikaw ang unang tao na naringgan ko ng ganito. Meaning, hindi ka nag-iisa. There are other people who share your confusion. Tipo bang, you lust after lads, yet you love only ladies. May isa pa nga akong kilala, baliktad naman. Bading siya kasi sa lalake lang siya nai-in-love, pero admit niya na pagdating sa sex, prefer pa rin niya ang sugat kaysa sa ugat. Indeed, iba-iba tayo, at dahil dito, at dahil din sa sinabawang gulay, makulay ang buhay. So don’t worry about you being weird or dysfunctional. Keri lang, sabi nga. I have a feeling though that as you get to know more people, as you add more experience to your years, and with a little bit more effort on your journey to self-awareness, mas magiging malinaw sa iyo kung ano talaga ang gusto mo. The challenge really is about being totally honest with yourself. As long as you always prioritize truth over what other people might say, self-image, ego, etc., you’re on the right track, hijo.

Again, thank you for sharing your story to us, Vincent. I will leave you with one last thought: you do not need to explain yourself to others; but you owe it to yourself to know what really you want in life. You’re young and you have a lifetime in front of you. Grab it and enjoy the wonderful journey ahead.

I wish you more self-knowledge and more honesty with yourself.

World Peace!

Nagmamahal,

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Hi Migs,

First, I would like to greet your MGG Blog a Happy 3rd Anniversary. Your blog makes my monotonous work day exciting. I used to work in a call center in Makati when I discovered your blog, from then on I was addicted and always excited to check it everyday. Hanggang ngayon pwede ko nang sabihing parte na siya ng daily routine ko.

I was born and raised in Bacolod City, after graduation I went here to review for the Board Exams (ECE Board), needless to say, hindi pa kasing open ng Manila ang Bacolod as far as same-sex relationship is concern kaya nakakagulat when I first got here. Bata pa lang ako, since my mom is a teacher, I was raised to be masunurin at masipag mag-aral, in short NERD. I was a consistent honor student then, pero LONER, I never experienced the typical Barkada nung high school. Everytime may gusto ako, since I don’t have anyone to share it with, I’m making a note addressed to GOD and keep it in a box, wala pa kasing cellphone nun. It was always been my prayer to have someone I can call my own, not necessarily a lover… Bestfriend ok na. Together with that prayer, I completed the simbang gabi… novena mass at kung anu-ano pa. I am not religious but I always have my time for prayer. Siguro nasanay na din na siya lagi kausap ko dahil nga hindi ako mahilig makipag friends before. (Hindi na ngayon..lol)

Alam ko ever since that there’s something different about me compared to my male classmates. Until college, hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ako, I tried to do things straight people do, name it I’ve done it… siguro ma convince ang ibang tao na straight ako, kasabay nun ang pag convince din sa sarili ko na hindi ako ganun. Pero I was 3rd year college then when I met Francis, Freshman. He was maputi, long hair, chinito, matangkad, gwapo. (This is it!)

I began to notice him nung ang mga girl classmates ko kinikilig pag dumadaan siya sa classroom. Fate as you may call it, since member ako ng Student Government, I was asked to spearhead all the Engineering freshmen for an activity for the Sportsfest, and yes kasama siya dun. Everytime may practice sila I was there to arrange for the transportation and the food. Ako din ang taga check ng attendance nila aat dahil diyan I have to publish my number for any notification kung hindi makakapunta sa practice. Nagtagal ang practice ng mga 1 buwan, dahil na rin sa schedule ko ay hindi ako laging nakakapunta sa mga practices nila.

One night, nag text siya na hindi na daw kasing saya ang practice kasi wala ako. Migs, prior to that incident, hindi kami nag-uusap, we we’re not even introduced to each other,at wala din kaming common friends. Simula nun, we’ve been texting na, though more on about sa practices at sa school related activities. Nothing personal.

Last practice nila bago ang performance the next day, around 10p na kami umuwi, habang naka-upo ako sa pedicab naghihintay ng ibang pasahero going inside our subdivision, out of nowhere naisip kong magtxt sa cellphone ko, sabi ko “God, kung siya man ang binigay mo sa akin give me a sign, gusto ko tumawag siya pag dating ko sa bahay.” tinago ko lang sa Draft ng cellphone. Suntok sa buwan ang text na yun, hindi nga kami nag uusap ng personal, at hindi ako sigurado kung ano siya… pati sarili ko hindi din ako sigurado kung ano.

Papasok ako ng bahay, tumunog yung phone, uso pa drop call nun, nagtanong kung naka-uwi na ako. After ilang tanong at sagot, humirit siya ng “Pwede mag apply?” At first, I thought application for the org, so I replied hindi pa pwede kasi 1st year pa lang siya… sabi niya mag a-apply daw siyang bestfriend ko. Sabi ko okey, pero na weirduhan ako sa sitwasyon, at that time nalimutan ko ang sign na hiningi ko.

The next day sabay kami na nuod ng game, nag lunch, umuwi ng sabay. Naging ganun ang set-up namin for several months, minsan sinasamahan ko siya sa ibang school para manligaw sa classmate niya nung high school. Naging okey ang takbo ng sitwasyon namin, naging automatic na sa mga professor ko na pag nawawala ako, sa kanya ako hinahanap. Until one day, tinanong niya ko kung pwede daw more than friends na kami, nalaman kong tumigil na siya sa panliligaw sa girl sa kabilang school.

Pumayag ako, pero hindi ko alam kung tama nga yung ginawa ko. Dumaan ang ilang araw na masaya kaming pareho, we agreed not to have sex yet, because we need to prove kung LUST ba o LOVE ang nararamdaman namin, we agreed to go to church every Wednesday after school for novena, simba every Sunday at every lunch break sa school… Sabi namin pambawi kay Lord.. Lahat ng ginagawa namin naka plano, wala kaming sinabihang friends for fear na we’re both known sa school at baka ma kick-out kami. We prioritized our studies for fear na if ever malaman ng family namin na kami na, hindi pwedeng gawing dahilan na pinabayaan namin ang school namin. Para walang maisumbat. From then on, naging confident ako sa sitwasyon namin, I introduced him sa family as a “friend” and gusto naman siya ng family ko. Ganun din ako sa family niya.

This coming September 12, we will be celebrating our 80th month as a couple. At some point your blog has been and is still an inspiration for the both of us.. nahawa na din siya kakabasa ng blog mo dahil sa akin. Through your blog, from the stories shared by other readers and your advice that comes after, we realized that what we have right now is something that not most PLU have and that we have to take care and appreciate it. Dahil nga never namin na experience magka ex-boyfriend, kung paano makipag eye ball o makipag date sa ibang tao… through your blog we get to learn something, na hindi na dapat umabot sa kailangan naming maranasan yun para ma realize ang importance ng isa’t isa.

Gusto ko lang magpasalamat sa’yo at sa iyong blog. Hindi ko man kayang i-express siya sa paraang karapat-dapat, gusto kong malaman mo na parte ng buhay namin ang blog mo… and we all know that any relationship will never be better without the help of friends, family and the things that inspire and teach you… at isa ka dun.

Thank you.

Siopao & Bunwich

Dear Siopao & Bunwich,

Maraming salamat sa inyong email. Sa totoo lang, kinilig ako (at naihi ng three-and-a-half drops!) habang binabasa ang inyong napakagandang story. Being together in a loving, same-sex relationship for 80 months is no small accomplishment. You are right, you have something that many of us fervently wish for, and your resolve to always cherish and appreciate it is so refreshing and inspiring. Your story gives us a sliver of shimmer of a glimmer of hope, that we too can find our other half, just like both of you. Tila ba kayo isang baso ng malamig na tubig sa aming mahabang, nakakauhaw na paglalakbay sa kasukalan ng buhay. Maraming salamat!

To more months and more years of loving companionship! Cheers!

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I came back from my what-seemed-like-an-eternity business trip on Monday, 3.30 AM. One of the things that I was so looking forward to was my first-ever “Synchronicity and Serendipity” meet up with a randomly chosen group of MGG readers. I emailed them this letter:

Hey guys! I am back in Manila, from my European-North American business trip. Whew. So glad to be back. And, so excited and looking forward to Saturday. I will send you a text message on your phone on the exact venue. For now, I’d like you to start thinking about how you think this serendipitous meeting will be like, how you are feeling now, how you want others to be when we all meet up… let me know your thoughts. Migs

Let’s eavesdrop on their anonymized responses.

Hello, Migs.

I opened your email in the office, but since i wanted to give my reply some serious thought, i decided to wait till i got home to do it.

I’ve kept the words synchronicity and serendipity (which hereon shall be referred to as S&S) on minimize in my head ever since i got your first email, hoping to come to some brilliant revelation that i could share with the group.

I’ve got nothing so far. Hahaha

But it has forced me to examine my belief system. In Filipino, most people would welcome S&S moments with “Buti na lang!,” implying that luck had something to do with it. But i feel that attributing such a beautifully designed orchestration of events to mere chance takes away from the elegance of Fate. That everything happens for a reason. And, maybe, when we don’t see that reason sometimes, we just didn’t look hard enough.

Then I start challenging that thesis. Maybe Chance is Fate, and that it’s that randomness, in fact, that makes life so interesting! And even if things don’t need to happen for a reason, it is up to us to find a gem of growth from any experience–the very essence of the Life experience! In fact, taking a religious perspective–which i so rarely do–Chance seems more consistent with the concept of having free will.

So, I’m torn. And no epiphanies so far. But it is pretty heavy shit to think about.

Sorry for sharing before the meeting, but i was afraid i would never have been able to verbally phrase my thoughts as eloquently. I at least wanted you to know what i was thinking.

Actually, my thoughts have been off-topic. They’re not S&S, but chance and fate. Kasi i’ve never really distinguished between the two before. So i’m still trying to look back and see how they’ve played in my life.

As regards your questions:

“how are you feeling now?”

“could you repeat the question, please?”

“how are you feeling now?”

“I don’t feel any pressure right now.”

“how [do] you want others to be when we all meet up?”

“not sure what kind of reply you want for this one. it’s open to a lot of funny comebacks, but i just want everyone to be himself. as i will be, as i hope you will, too.”

Tapos na interview portion.

Can we go to some place that offers something wider than just coffee? Para mas random naman ang choice ko of beverage…but I’m aiming for beer. If no drinking allowed, no prob.

Time to go. See you soon.

- N.

migs, i couldnt agree more..

i am excited too, its like the gifts we have under the tree.. which we cant open till christmas day. you keep on staring at it.. shake it a bit.. thinking about it the whole day.. the agony. the excitement.. but you know deep inside its worth the wait..

iv always been the kind of person who would do anything just to be ahead of whats to come.. be in the know of the ending of a movie before i would even sit infront of it. yeah it kills the surprise, or the thrill.. but at least iv come prepared of wat to expect.. but this time.. id like to change that part of me. just try to have an open mind.. go with the flow thing.. make it as random of a meet up as possible. for once id like to try surprise a chance.. or maybe.. give chance a chance.

im excited.. half of me is in manila already.

- B. (flying in from USA a day before the meet up)

pasalubong!, hope for the flowers would do.

i’m really excited, i don’t find the meeting serendipitous but the way the 5 people were chosen was just amazing (thank you randomizer.org or “universe”)

i really hope i could contribute some insights in the meeting (baka may super trouper eager beaver, hahahaha)

i don’t have any idea how the meeting would go, probably because this is my first time to meet up with five complete strangers (and i hope these people are really strangers to me)

all i hope is that as we travel to the meeting place, we could set aside our own prejudices, prejudgments, stereotypes and have an open mind on the discussion, i don’t want it to be a war/debate kind of thing but more of collaboration of ideas of anything under the sun

we are to meet to make acquaintances or probably friends but definitely not enemies

i really really excited! actually, im still going even though i have a long exam on monday! its because the universe has randomly chosen these five people (myself included) to meet, sana wala pang nagbaback-out dun sa five.

and please, don’t let my excitement go to waste, sana lang hindi boring yung meeting!

p/s how long would the meeting last? or it actually depends on us?
will you voice record the meeting (just like your podcasts)?

p/s/s
belated happy anniversary to your blog !!!
and advance happy birthday to us !!!

- W.

cool,hope you had a great trip. well i just think it’s a very intellectualized discussion about facts, ideals, philosophies, principles and perspectives not on just being gay but being gay in a modern world. and of course some etceteras.hehe…

- P.

Hi!!

First of, welcome back to PI Migs!

I AM K. and I ain’t Janina San Miguel, who “doesn’t feel any pressure right now”. I am so freakin nervous and immediately felt the pressure the moment I received your first ever email confirming that I will be one of the five guys.

This is very exciting, yet alarming (for me). Exciting, because I’m about to meet 5 unknown guys and MGG. I’m so happy that I’m about to meet people whom “somehow” shares the same sentiments, problems, ideas, preferences and dreams. Alarming, because I really don’t know what to expect. Afraid, because of a possible rejection. I just hope that all of them (including Migs) will be my friends after this meet-up. And since MGG (which stands for Manila Gay Guy) is the one responsible in making this meet up a possible one, I’ll call this group as MGG as well, with different meaning though, its “Manila Gay Gang” (kaso parang masyadong gayish??)! Lol… Parang Gucci Gang lang.

Wait lang, pwede ba mag tagalog, I’m bleeding all through out! haha.. Sana yung flow ng conversation eh parang matatagal na na magkakakilala, wag naman masyado seryoso (baka kase mamatay ako), sana mejo masaya, may mga kulitan, jokes, at kunting sapakan to add some spice (joke lang)… At first syempre lahat kinakabahan, pero sana after some minutes, comfortable na lahat. At sana, wala masyado mag expect na GWAPO lahat ang pupunta sa meet up na to. Kase I’m not. Alam mo naman sa mundo natin, we all look at the looks kaagad. And I hope that all of the participants’ main objective is to gain friends. Ganun naman kase dapat talaga.

Thanks!

- K.

There you have it, responses from our S&S participants. I am so excited to meet them and see what the Universe is up to this time. What do you think?

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