I finally got the guts to write you a letter. It has been almost two years since the first time I read on your blog. Since then, I took inspiration, courage and the will to embrace the life I choose and share my story. Call me Roger, I’m 23 and already a college professor. I must admit that gay university instructors are not new, except for me. I’m closeted. I started to teach just last June 2009. Each time, I hold classes I make it a point that I could deliver the subject in the most ‘straight’ way possible. Every single day is a struggle especially if I get interested and attracted to students. This is my greatest fear what if I get hooked on a student? I can’t risk my job, neither my student’s future.

Until I met Joshua. He’s 17 and a freshman.

He’s short, lean, cute and exceptionally hot for his structure. Basically, teachers will remember only students who either excel in class or those who deliberately skip and make ‘pasaway’. And Joshua is the second. Given a few number of students in his class, he is very noticeable. I could sense that he can sense that I’m quite interested in him so during classes, he would sometimes give me some nasty smiles and just stare at me the whole time. I was really distracted because I don’t want to show any signs of motives. As the end of the semester comes near, I developed several diversional tactics just to drive away that ‘dangerous connections’. It was successful.

Second semester. I’m still their professor on another subject. I took a deep breath before entering the room and vigilantly scanning for Joshua. I checked their attendance and no sign of him. I asked the class, “Where is Mr. Engamin? (not his true surname)”, “Sir, he quit.”, a classmate exclaimed. At that point, I could not explain how I felt. It seems to be a mixture of both relief and regret. One time, I was on my way home, I bumped into Joshua. I was surprised to see him not in uniform. He’s wearing a semi fit yellow top (his nipples protruding), and skinny jeans with a bulge that is distracting. I asked how he was doing and he said. “Masama sir, talagang mahirap ang buhay.” At that instance, my lustful mood shifted to empathy. So I invited him to have some coffee and talk things over.

And things went different, he said “wala akong matutulugan ngayong gabi sir, pwede bang mag pension na lang tayo at dun na lang tayo mag usap?” I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I just said “Sige, no probs!” immediately. As we checked in, he took off his shirt and gave me that old nasty look. “Siguro Josh, sa susunod na lang tayo mag usap, uwi na ‘ko.” I hurriedly grab the knob of the door, but he pulled me back. “Samahan mo naman ako dito sir.” I could not refuse so I stayed. As we were about to sleep, he told me “Sir, Php 2,500 lang, all the way na.” I was terrified. I’m not going to fuck a student and pay him Php 2,500. After I told him, that I can’t and I won’t pay. He made the biggest bargain. “Sige sir, kahit wala nang bayad. Ok na ko na may matulugan ngayong gabi.” And everything was history.

Respectfully,
Prof. Roger

Dear Prof. Roger,

Kainggit naman ng story mo. Char lang. I’m in a playful, fun mood so do take what I will say here with a grain of salt. In short, wag masyadong toxic!

Pakiramdam ko you emailed just to share and chika with the world about your tryst with this ex-student. Wala naman akong naramdaman na remorse or guilt, at tama lang naman yan dahil, ika nga, keribelles lang `teh. Siguro ang fine print lang eh sana hindi na menor de edad si Joshua noong nangyari ang “biggest bargain” at “rest is history” rendezvous ninyo (iwas korte lang, hija). Having said that, I’m sure tataas ang kilay ng ilan nating kapatid, maghe-”hesusmaryosef” habang nagsa-sign of the cross. Nakikinita ko na ang mga hitad, binubulyawan ang blog na ito, “kunsintidora ka Migs!”

Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with what happened. Gusto niya, gusto mo, so be it. May pagka-pokpok siya (as in nagpapabayad, although puwede ring libre), may pagka-horny ka, so be it, o eh ano naman? Go lang. Masyado nang ma-judgment ang mundong ito, huwag na nating dagdagan pa. Hindi ka naman namilit, at di mo naman na rin siya estudyante nang nangyari ang pangyayari, so wag ka na ma-guilty pa. Non-issue yan. Lasapin mo na lang ang sarap nang gabing iyon, at baunin sa iyong baul of good memories.

Siguro mas bigyang pansin mo na lang eh ang pagiging mabuting propesora mo, `teh. Nasabi ko mang walang problema sa nangyari sa inyo ni Joshua, eh wag mo naman sanang karirin ang pakikipag-chorva-han sa mga estudyante mo. Hindi dahil mali ang pumatol sa estudyante. (Kung talagang love-love-love, wala naman talagang issue.) Ang pakiwari ko lang, maraming complications kapag hinabi mo ang mundo ng love/sex/work; may mga sinusuwerte sa ganyan, pero I would say mas complicated kapag magkakahalo ito. Kung ganyan talaga ang gusto mo (I mean, mga complicated situations) aba, sino ba naman ako para pigilan ka? Pero i-consider mo lang siguro na marami ka pang choices. Yun yun. Uulitin ko, marami ka namang choices. Dahil propesora ka (propesora daw o!), mayroon at mayroon talagang lalapit sa iyo, given your position of authority. Pero di ba mas maganda kung ang basis ng iyong kakasintahanin eh dalisay at wagas na pag-ibig, at hindi class card na pinasang-awa?

Naging alagad ka ng pamantasan dahil sa iyong angking talino. Gamitin mo ito. Ngunit sasabihin ko ring alagad ka ng kagandahan ko, ng kagandahan ng mundong ito, dahil may puso kang marunong magmahal. Gamitin mo ito upang magmahal nang tunay at dalisay; maraming isda sa lawa, maraming ibon sa himpapawid, buksan mo ang iyong mga mata, at higit sa lahat, buksan mo ang iyong puso — malay mo, ang iyong kapalaran ay nandiyan lang pagtapak mo sa labas ng iyong eskuwelahan.

Chumacharot magpakailanman,

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I never thought that the day would come that I would be the one writing to you. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your views on different dilemmas sent to you by your viewers. I need some sort of advice regarding my case. Just call me John, 22 years old, hurting and sad. My story just happened recently so everything is fresh from my memory. One day (to be exact February 13,2010), this guy (let’s just call him Renz, 29 years old) called me up. I knew where he got my number but I won’t mention it here anymore. He was a stranger. We talked for a very short time only because I was about to go somewhere. After our conversation, we exchanged a few text messages. When I got home, he called again. We talked for a very long time. I felt at ease talking to him. We exchanged infos about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our funny stories etc. It felt really good just talking to him. We joked about our boo-boos and all. He would sometimes say “I love you baby” in the middle of the conversation. At first, I just gave him a nervous laugh and told him “sira ka talaga”. I won’t deny the fact that I was really ‘kilig’ and I felt butterflies in my stomach. Before we ended our 3-hour conversation before midnight, I just caught myself saying I love him. I know I was such fool. Oo, nagpa-uto ako.
He called up again around 1am, Feb 14. We shared stories again, greeted each other happy valentines and said our I love yous a couple more times. Then he admitted he is currently in a relationship. He said he and his partner is going through some issues. He told me almost everything about himself, the relationships he had, how they all ended, pretty much everything! He said he sometimes feels lonely and I just cant help but make him feel better. I knew that I am beginning to fall for him. Napaka gullible ko talaga. I told him almost everything about me as well. I told him that not a single soul knows that I’m like this. He was the first one to know about who I really am. Before we went to sleep around 5:30am, the last thing we said was I love you. We didn’t hang up the phone. We slept with our headphones on. It was going on smoothly for a couple of days. We met up one time. He had errands to do for his partner and I accompanied him. Ang tanga ko talaga. Masochist much? He is really good looking. Everything I envisioned him to be, yun sya. When we were eating, he joked about sleeping on my lap. When we were waiting for a ride home he said “kiss mo muna ako” then on our way home, he whispered to me “asan na ang kiss ko?” Syempre I didn’t do it (pero gusto ko talaga). After that, we were still okay. After a couple of days though, he suddenly changed. We used to talk everynight, text each other constantly, he even calls me when he is at work. I think he felt guilty about what he is doing to his partner. Oo I shouldn’t have let it gone this far. What would I feel if I was the partner? Pero I was ‘inlove’ with him that I didn’t care what anyone feels. When things were starting to fall apart, I felt devastated. It was my first time to open myself to someone and it felt bad. He said he wants us to be friends. I know he does and I want it too. Kaso he became so dense and minsan ang NR nya. I know he’s doing that for me not to fall deeper. I just wanna talk to him not to work things out but just explain that being dense to me is doing no good. He told me once “makakahanap ka din ng para sayo”. Wow, define bullshit? I know that. Although I know he said that with the intention of making me feel better, it didn’t make me feel better. I just want him to acknowledge that at this point, Im in pain. He wants me to move on faster but that’s not something I can do in a snap, right? It’s not like I can just forget everything when I close my eyes. Opening up yourself to someone is like giving them the power to hurt you, and sometimes it’s not worth that risk. Ang sakit. Ang sakit pa rin. I can’t move on. Maybe because it was my first. And although I know it was my fault since nag fall ako kahit na alam kong he’s in a relationship, he is partly to blame dahil sinabi nyang mahal nya ako. Umasa ako Migs. Sino ba naman ang hindi, diba? I’m stuck in ground zero. Hindi ako maka move on. Remembering our previous conversations brings me to tears. Siguro sa tingin mo ang OA ko naman, but ang sakit talaga. Iba kasi talaga yung nafeel ko kanya. And alam kong may nafeel din sya for me. How do I recover from this experience? Salamat.
- John

My dear John,

You fell, and fell hard. It’s amazing how this story is repeated, cycled, and recycled by many people (not exclusively among people like us). But you know, however painful you are feeling right now, I see a glimmer of beauty in all these. I hope that you too, amidst all the darkness you are in right now, begin to see this little sparkle in the horizon. And I’m talking about this — your desire to be one with someone, to share yourself, your little secrets, your unopened life story. You are so full of good things, brimming, overflowing, that your soul so powerfully reaches out to another, celebrating, unifying, loving.

It happens that Renz, your object of affection, that other soul, have issues of his own. And as he struggles and feels his way through his own complex web of issues, your soul which is just eager to be with his, just cannot. This is the source of your pain. Your pain is not caused by the past, nor by Renz, nor by anything else. It is caused by your soul’s desire to reach out and find another to share and celebrate its goodness, its love. So, as you ask, “how do I recover from this experience,” my thoughts go to this source of your pain. How can you tend to your loving soul — that which only wants to share, to celebrate, to love, and to revel in joy? As I write this, as we together frame your situation this way, notice that it is more about using your soul’s energy in a different way. If before, you have Renz as the object of your soul’s energy, perhaps you can find other channels and objects — friends, family, pet, work, etc. — as your new object of love and affection? I would recommend though that one of the first things you’d consider is your own soul. Yes, your soul loving, aligning, affirming its own. This is the best opportunity to do that, now that you are hurting. The big question is: how?

Loving one’s self is not very easy because we’ve always been taught to be selfless, that being selfish is bad, etc. Now I tell you, no, now is the best time (it’s always the best time) to love yourself. Use your heart to feel what your soul is asking for. Notice how your emotions are guiding you to what your soul needs and wants. Avoid wallowing in the past (it can only make you feel more stuck and immobilized), and instead focus on your soul’s desire to joyfully, cheerfully give and share, to love; open your eyes and you will see that many others, not only Renz, can be the object of your soul’s fire. Only when you really tend to your soul can it be aligned to who you really are inside — and when that alignment happens, you will know, because you will experience joy, so unmistakable and so powerful that it cannot not radiate out to others. Try it. See how it changes things.

John, I wish you a break in the drama, and lots of energy to follow your bliss. I think of you at your best and happiest. World Peace!

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I travel a lot everyday, kasi I live almost a couple of hours away from our school, which is in the city. Minsan ginagabi na ako sa pag-uwi, minsan late na talaga, o kaya naman madaling araw lalo na kung galing sa inuman with friends sa city. Ang problema ko is nagkakaroon ako ng lakas ng loob na makipagkilala sa mga strangers na nakakasalubong ko on my way home. Basta medyo type ko ang guy, at wala syang kasamang iba, lalo na pag wala nang tao sa paligid, kinikilala ko agad sya at inaaya na mag-sex kami. Gustong gusto ko siyang gawin dahil sa excitement na nararamdaman ko. Pero kapag nakaraos na ako at nawala na ang libog ko, nanliliit ako. Naiisip ko kung gaano ako ka dumi dahil sa ginagawa ko. Hindi naman talaga natutuloy sa sex ang pakikigpakilala ko, madalas nauuwi ito sa pagjajakol ko in public places na tago. Bilang na bilang lang din talaga ang encounters ko with those people na nakilala ko na nauuwi sa hipoan lang. Ang gusto ko lang malaman kong ginagawa din ba ito nga ibang PLUs. Normal ba to sa mga taong katulad natin? OK lang ba talaga ang mag-CRUISE para makakilala ng lalaking mapagbubuntunan ng libog? Sana po malaman ko ang opinyon ng ibang PLUs sa situation kong ito. I would really appreciate any attention given to my concern. SALAMAT PO TALAGA! God bless you always. From Cebu Wanderer

Dear Cebu Wanderer,

Sigurado maraming opinyon ang mababasa mo bilang comments sa liham mong ito; kahit pa karamihan sa mga magbibigay ng kanilang opinyon ay mga PLU rin tulad natin, sigurado ako, iba’t iba ang opinyon nila. May mga sang-ayon, meron din kontra. May okay lang, di mo matanto kung ano ba talaga ang stand nila. Pero ang suma total, siguradong walang iisang sagot sa katanungan mong “Okay lang ba ang cruising?”

I’m sure you yourself asked the same question to yourself. And perhaps you’re confused, kaya napag-isipan mong magtanong. Kung ang pagbabasehan mo ng sagot ay iyong dami ng tatango sa iyo, hmmm… ito ba ay isang popularity contest? Kapag ba ang isang bagay ay popular (tinatanguan ng karamihan) ang ibig bang sabihin ay tama ito?

Ang punto ko lang, ukol sa katanungan mo, ay ganito. Ito ay isa sa mga katanungang mas mainam na ikaw ang sumagot at may pansarili kang paninindigan. Siguro makakatulong sa iyong pagsagot ay ang pagtatanong ng iba pang katanungan tulad ng:

Masaya ba ako pag nagcu-cruise ako? Safe ba ako?
Ano ba talaga ang hanap ko sa pagcu-cruise?
Ano ba ang iba pang paraan na makukuha ko ang hinahanap kong bagay sa pagcu-cruise?

Pag-isipan mo ang mga tanong na iyan. Pero, gusto ko rin sanang bigyan ka ng kung ano ang naiisip ko. Nasabi mo na ang pagcu-cruise para sa iyo ay para makahanap ng lalakeng mapagbubuntunan ng libog. Walang masama sa pagiging malibog. Ano naman ang kaso kung talagang active ang hormones mo, kung malakas ang sexual drive mo? Okay lang yun. Wala ka namang inaabala o inaagrabyado di ba? Pero may nasabi ka rin na pagkatapos ng inyong sexual encounter ay pakiramdam mo, nanliliit ka. Tipo bang may halong hiya sa sarili. Pakiramdam mo ba ay madumi ang sex? Madumi ang pakikipag-sex sa isang taong di gaanong kakilala? O dahil sa kapwa lalake ito?

Sana mas malinawan ka kung saan nanggagaling yung “shame” o guilt feelings mo. Normal na maramdaman yan, pero mas mabuti kung naiintindihan mo upang mas malaman mo kung mayroon ka bang dapat gawin, baguhin, o i-adjust sa iyong ginagawa, o sa iyong paniniwala.

Salamat sa iyong sulat, Cebu Wanderer. I wish you clarity and strength of character.

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Writing you this letter was actually a decision I had to make. Not that it’s hard to do but maybe I just thought of asking for a little help from you.

My name is Robert and I have been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now. I found out about your blog while I was scanning a certain magazine. And from then on, I got interested in reading your articles. The reason why I’m writing you this letter it’s because I’m having this “difficulty”, a situation where I don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anybody about this yet and hopefully I could get some piece of opinion from you.

Geo and I have been friends since early last year. We work at the same place but now we work in different departments as I recently got a promotion about a month ago. We recently just became quite close because of one sad event. Geo just broke up 3 weeks ago with his long time girlfriend, Kris, who happens to be one of my closest friends as well.. When they were still together, I always look up to these two guys since they are always the first ones to save my butt at work and their one of the reasons why I got the promotion I wanted. And, yes, their break-up greatly affected me as well. After that sad event, Geo had suddenly started texting me, asking me if there were any plans of going on a night out to drink with some friends which was very unusual. Geo is the type of guy who doesn’t really like going out to get some drink. From then on, we suddenly got closer than before. We never talked about how sad the break up was or whatever happened between him and Kris, instead we just drink the night away and have fun while talking about a lot of stuff. Yes, it made me wonder why Geo chose me as his company. First, he knows I’m gay (although I don’t look like one); Second, he knows I like him; and Third? I don’t know… I really don’t know. But a few days after, he answered my question when one of our friends noticed our sudden closeness.

“Parehas kasi kami ng mga hilig eh. Isa pa di naman to mahirap kausap lalo na pag inuman ang usapan…”

Yup, he says we have the same interests (apart from girls that is) which I then noticed as time passed by. And by the tone of his voice, I could say he really needed me just to be there for him in his saddest.

Here is where the problem starts. The more we get closer, the more my feelings start to develop. I tried denying it at first but I figured out I can’t. I suddenly noticed that everytime I’m having a chat with friends, I never forget to mention his name every time. When we’re not together, I sometimes think about me and him getting together (which I thought was very absurd). Yes, my thoughts were pleasant and alarming at the same time. Why alarming? Because people know for a fact that I am close to both him and his ex-gf. That’s the reason why I said I haven’t told anyone about this yet. I don’t want them to think that I’m that gay slut between Geo and Kris.. When I got to watch MMK last night, I told myself ayokong mangyari to sakin. Although there were no evidences, or chances so to speak, of them getting back, people still want them to reconcile and continue their 4-year relationship. And to say, I am actually one of those people who’d want to see them back together.
One time, when Geo and I ate somewhere with a friend after drinking the whole night, the conversation struck me.

Friend: “ba’t parati na kayong magkasama? Baka magkatuluyan na kayo ha!”
Me: “bakit naman hindi?” I jokingly answered.

It was at that moment when I heard him answer “why not?” at the same time. We just laughed about it while I was thinking ba’t nga naman talaga hindi? It wasn’t the first time he joked about liking me or about us being together. There was even one time when he joked around and told our friend malay mo, baka ang type ko na ay si… Robert??

They say jokes are half meant, well, 3/4s meant for some. I kinda understand why he’s so at ease with fooling people about what’s going on between us. Maybe it’s because he trusts me enough knowing that I won’t humiliate him in front of friends. That’s why I could say love gets too confusing because you know you’re about to fall but you also know you can’t because you’re not supposed to. I can’t blame myself for liking, or should I say falling for him because physically, Geo is very attractive. Tall and bald, just the way I like it. Personality wise, he’s such a gentleman, he’s very intelligent, he has such a great humor, he sings well and maybe the list still goes on.

I don’t wanna compromise the friendship that we have right now just because of my unbalanced thoughts. I enjoy every moment I have with him because I can never tell when’s this friendship gonna end. I know there are a lot of people talking behind me and I’m afraid Geo would start listening to them someday. I also wouldn’t want to look like the big slut who took away Geo from Kris. I know I’m a slut but maybe now’s not a good time.

I really hope you could respond to this personally or in whichever way you can. I just needed to vent this out to somebody just to make sure my mind is still in its sane state. I wanna know if continuing this friendship with him is still healthy for both of us or not. Well, thanks for taking time in reading this crap.

xoxo
Much Love
Robert

Dear Robert,

What a timely letter you sent me. Thank you. I feel that a lot of our experiences are both common (shared and similar) and unique (not exactly the same as anything else). I can identify with you, yet I know your situation is also very unique because of the people involved. So let me share my thoughts freely, and I’ll let you pick what you feel is useful, and leave others that are not behind.

Seems to me that your dilemma is about getting clarity about your relationship with Geo. Kasi naman, ang sarap ng feeling being with him di ba? Nakakakilig lalo na yang mga jokes (half or three-quarters meant) na parang may laman, mga bonding times together, etc. I can feel from the way you wrote your letter that you enjoy this thing that you have with Geo. Savor it, Robert. I say live with the present, savor every emotion, every breath, every moment you are with him; make the most of each meeting, each drinking session, enjoy the friendship as if it will end the next moment. Ngunit imbis na panggigilan mo, subukan mong maging mas payapa. Dahil sa pagiging mas payapa mas malalasap mo ang tamis ng inyong pagiging magkasama. Darating ang panahon na hindi mo na makakayanan ang bugso ng iyong damdamin, at kailangan mo ng magdesisyon — magbubukas ka ba ng iyong kalooban kay Geo tungkol sa tunay na nararamdaman mo o hindi. When that time comes, if you’ve truly been paying attention to the wonderful “stituationship” you’ve so far enjoyed with Geo, you will never go wrong. Be open to him, and feel what he truly wants for himself as well. But also, be open to yourself. Honor your feelings, they are telling you something. However your story goes, proceeds, or ends, I wish you feel gratitude for what the universe has offered you. Such a beautiful friendship. Whether you open up or not, whether you get rejected or bring the relationship to a higher level, know that you’ve received much. Be well.

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I must admit, I am a closeted guy. I haven’t confirmed it yet to anyone even to my family and best friends. But you know what’s weird? I do not like being tagged as one. I just can’t explain why. Or maybe, I just don’t want to know why.

Before reaching 20, I do not really know where my line was. Honestly speaking. But as time passes by and as I get older, I’m able to sway away those clouds blocking my way.

I have to tell you the truth. I do not see myself outing to everyone. There are a lot of people who look up to me. The catch in here is that they are younger than me. Grade schoolers then looked up to me as their Kuya. Even those in high school who were batch/es junior than me. These are the people who really admired me during my high school years and I guess until now. Left and right, girls had crushes on me. Why I say so? They said that I am a total package: a man with looks, intelligence, and character. All rolled into one. How I wish I really am that man they have in their minds. As well, my relatives here and abroad, Im pretty sure that they do not know the other side of me. And if in case I out myself to them, my world and theirs too will surely shake off. And I don’t want that to happen. They will surely get disappointed.

You know what, I feel unfortunate that I live in our society. A society who looks at homosexuals as inferior beings. For me, I believe that being homosexual is born, it is not influenced or acquired. For those late bloomers, like me, we were just not able to discover it immediately. It is just there. It is just waiting for us, for us to recognize it.

I want those heterosexuals who are against homosexuals to realize that it is not easy being one. There were times that I incredibly envy those straight guys. I want to experience how it feels to stare and find satisfaction on those women’s flawless and white legs. I want to know how it is like to fantasize a sexy body of a sexy star printed on a magazine. I want to experience how it will be to talk over the boobs and the butts of those and these girls. I also want to know the feeling or the excitement every time a guy gets the chance to peep at those cleavages. The feeling of playing a basketball game in a school or barangay league. You know the basic boy things. And I really want to feel how it is really to be a real gentleman. There were even times I wish that I am a straight guy so that I will not experience an indirect discrimination from our society, to be in the minority. I want these to happen to belong.

It makes me even sadder when people praise this and that gay because he became the richest stylist, the best businessman, the most intelligent student and etcetera and etcetera. It made me think actually. Do homosexuals really need to be an achiever first so that they can feel accepted or be allowed to step at the arena of societal acceptance? Or, can that be I AM HOMOSEXUAL. PERIOD. ?

Why do homosexuals need to experience these biased things? When will everyone achieve the capacity of real understanding? Of broad-mindedness? Because I firmly believe that homosexuals should be treated the heterosexual way (don’t raise your eyebrow, it itches me too because the society has the default standard-heterosexuality).

In my situation, I must say it is really hard. I hope it is easy as 1, 2, 3 and A, B, C. I finally decided to write a letter to you because I want every one who visits this site that it feels like dying every time you hide in your closet. I feel like I am a liar to myself. It is like I am good at backstabbing my trueness you know. And yet, I foresee that once I let my trueness be seen by others, it will be a suicide. Instead of getting better, it might become a sharp dagger. I know there will be people who will tell me to out myself as soon as possible but I really do not see it coming, me outing myself to the world. I’m sorry. I am happy this way, or, perhaps, I should be happy the way it is. Oh my gawd, I hate this. This society that always finds flaws to others yet in the first place that society is flawful. I hope one day I will wake up where heterosexuality is the new homosexuality. Let’s see how it will be. How they will struggle to fight for their rights and to protect their pride. Maybe, one day. One day.

- Randall

Dear Randall,

At 20 years old, you are a bright young chap. Reading your letter, I know, I am quite sure, that you have answers to your own questions. Obviously, you have a sharp mind, and I must say you’re quite articulate in words. No wonder people regard you very highly, as you yourself said in your letter, “There are a lot of people who look up to me.” They admire you a lot. They respect you a lot. I wonder though, are you aware that there is this one very important person, more than anyone else, who should be admiring you, respecting you? That person is yourself. All these external achievements — what do they mean, if you yourself don’t learn to love the real person who’s responsible for them? How come people love you, yet you seem not to be able to give yourself that same love?

Embrace who you are, Randall. He’s been quite lonely — only because you’ve somehow distanced yourself from him. See wonders as you try to get more acquainted with your real self. And as you wish for society to accept us homosexuals wholeheartedly, I too fervently wish that you find the strength and that unique love to accept who you are, what you are, wholeheartedly.

Be well, my dear Randall. World Peace!

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I am fond of reading your blog.
I am Ayan. Straight ako when I was in high school, I’m sure of that. Marami akong naging girlfriend nun. Until one time, I need to have a tutorial in Math because of my low grades. so i went to my tutor’s apartment at around 6pm. he is one of the best math teachers in my school by that time, but he didn’t handle our class. i am well-known in our school, that’s why he offered me his help. Malakas ung ulan nung gabing nun, i didnt bring my umbrella so i got wet.. when i entered his apartment, he told me to take off my clothes baka daw sipunin ako. hinubad ko naman kasi ok lang naman siguro un parehas naman kaming lalake, walang malisya un.

instead of reviewing, nagkwentuhan lang kami.nakaupo kami sa kama niya then he asked me to turn off the lights, nagtaka ako kung bakit.. i didn’t turn it off. sabi nia sa kin wala daw mangyayari kung hindi ko papatayin ung ilaw. nagtaka na talaga ako and i decided to go home pero sabi niya wag muna daw,malakas pa ung ulan.so i stayed. nagjoke siya tapos tawa kami ng tawa,then he started to bite my ears tapos ung lips niya umabot na sa neck ko and he kissed it. i begin to feel uncomfortable, dinaganan niya ko tapos hinalikan niya ko on my face, then lips, pababa until he lick and suck my cock. i dont know what to do. i tried to stop him, pero nakadagan siya sa kin. gusto ko sumigaw pero iniisip ko na nakakahiya sa mga tao if they knew why i am shouting… i dont have any idea about gaysex that time. hindi ko un nagustuhan. i was the only one naked, kaya i immediately took my shirt and pants. i told him that i will go home. pagkauwi ko, nagshower ako agad. parang nandidiri ako. i keep it as a secret, kasi nahihiya ako sa outcome kapag nagsumbong ako baka kumalat. i noticed na maraming kiss mark ung leeg ko. kinabukasan, napansin un lahat ng classmates ko. sabi ko allergy. pero sabi nila chikinini daw. this happened 3 years ago.

nasalubong ko si sir sa corridor, then nagsorry siya sa kin. nabigla lang daw siya. i accepted his apology. from then on, hindi ko na siya kinausap o kaya pinansin. kung dati nalilibugan ako sa babae, ngayon parang sa lalake na. naging habit ko na ung panunuod ng gay porn. pinigilan ko ung sarili ko but i cant control it. hindi ko alam kung ano na ko ngayon, there is confusion. i am now 16 years old, a 1st year college student in a prominent university. parang nagbago ung buhay ko, hindi na ko lumalabas ng nakahubad or nakasando.naiilang na rin ako sa mga lalakeng nakahubad. siguro na-trauma ako sa mga nangyari. even my closest friends don’t know about this experience. nakikipagchat ako ngayon with the same sex…flirt.. i don’t know if i’m into relationship, malay natin..

thanks migz for letting me share my story.. God bless you…

- Ayan

Dear Ayan,

Thank you for sharing your story. Alam ko, mahirap ang kalagayan mo. It’s tough feeling confused. On the other hand, I hope you realize that confusion is there precisely because there are choices available for you. It’s not because you are stuck, or do not have any choice — you do, and you are the only person who has the power to make that choice. You can decide to go straight, or gay, or whatever way you want. In that decision, dear Ayan, as many of us went through something similar, you do it on your own. Ikaw yan, sa iyong buhay yan. But, let me tell you that as you are making your decision, you can ask for help. By writing this letter to me, I can see that you have made one good step already. Another step you might want to consider is talking to a professional counselor. If you are interested, I know of someone from Ateneo who can help you through professional counseling. He does it especially for those going through similar questions of sexual preference as yourself. I’ve talked to him and he said he can help you. Let me know if you are interested.

Meanwhile, I would suggest for you to keep in mind that what you’re going through is not something abnormal or dysfunctional. You’re good. What happened to you and your Math tutor may be the source of your homosexual feelings and leanings now, but, let’s accept that what’s done is done, di naman natin kayang ibalik ang nakaraan. Ang importante, okay ka ngayon, at puwedeng maging mas okay pa sa darating na panahon. I hope you really consider talking to a professional counselor — he’ll be able to give you more specific advice on how best to tackle your situation. For now, smile, and rest assured that there are trustworthy people who are willing to support you if you allow them to. Be well!

World Peace,
Migs

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Bunga lang ba ng malamig na temperatura sa panahon ng Pasko at may mga tao na bigla na lang gugulo ng buhay mo o sadyang mahilig lang talagang mang-asar ang tadhana?

Itong nakaraang linggo ay sunod-sunod ang mga di inaasahang pangyayari na sadyang nagpa-tambling ng isip ko’t damdamin. I have been seeing someone for almost several months now and have been quietly developing a deepening relationship with him. All the proper steps toward furthering the relationship are already there. We see each other almost every day and we still feel na kulang pa. He knows my family, I know his. We’re total opposites. I, an independent and self-employed individual in an extremely creative job and he, a pencil-pusher and is upwardly mobile in a corporate job. He’s highly-strung. I am as laid back as a feather flying freely in the soft wind. Despite the differences we’ve slowly built a good harmony. I am his ying, he’s my yang. Last week, I already gave him a copy of the keys to my apartment. (This is something I have never done before and is a huge step for me.) Things are going smoothly until…

My trouble began two days ago with one single ‘hello’ in my facebook from someone I haven’t seen nor heard from in two years. He’s an old flame. He’s someone I was so madly and crazily in love with for a whole summer. (Okay. Baduy. I know. Summer love affairs? At my age? But it did happen.) We spent crazy days and nights making love anywhere and everywhere we could. Ever tried doing ‘it’ behind a big saint’s statue at the back of the church DURING the last evening mass? We have. That’s how crazy it was.

Eventually, like all ’summer affairs’ it had to end. You see, it wasn’t only the season that gave it its ending but the fact that he’s a seafarer hopping off to another ship that would set sail. I did not hear even a single word from him since the last time I saw him two years ago. I sent emails to an address that bounced back all my messages. I still have them in my outbox and I count 263 messages sent. And for each message I sent, a slow tear would rend my heart… until finally, I placed them all in one folder and bid goodbye.

Silence…

…until that ‘hello’. A rush of emotions flooded my chest. (Putangina! Di ko alam kung sisigaw ako sa tuwa, gulat, inis… samu’t-saring emosyon ang dumaluhong sa dibdib ko nang mabasa ko yun.) I said ‘hello’ and in a few minutes he asked if I still live in the same apartment. I said ‘yes’.

This morning (it is evening now as I type this email) my doorbell rang. I was expecting my brother, who sent me a text message that he’ll pass by, at the door. But lo and behold! It wasn’t my brother but HIM. Though sporting longer hair than the last time I remembered him, everything about him hasn’t changed: the same smooth alabaster skin, the same taut body beneath the clothes, the same Ilonggo accent that is so familiar to my Visayan ears.

“Kamusta ka na?” was what he first said, and I responded, “‘Tangna mo! Ginulat mo ako! Pasok ka at nang masapak kita.” When I closed the door behind him, he stood there and quietly he murmured, “sorry”.

We never reached the stairs going up to my apartment with our clothes still on.
————

I am typing this email tonight, still licking in my lips the taste of his. I can still smell on my body the scent of his cologne. I can still feel in my groins every thrust, every movement and every orgasm spent this day when we made love, only standing up once to drink water. I still haven’t eaten not even a bite for I want to let the taste of his sweat, his sex to linger in my tongue.

With these thoughts in my mind, I still have to face tomorrow. For the whole weekend, I will be spending the time together with the one I gave a copy of my apartment keys to – with the aches and joys of a love that came back.

Yes… I am fucked.

———–

Note:
Tanginang buhay ito. (Pardon my French)
Bakit kailangang mangyari pa ito sa panahong ito ng Pasko?

- Tampa

Dear Tampa,

Huwag sisihin ang Pasko at ang dalang lamig nito sa mga nangyayari sa iyo. (Napapahagikhik ako rito habang naiisip ko ang mga maaaring comments ng ibang MGG readers — “hindi problema ang tawag diyan, blessing!”). Anyway, ang unang pakiwari ko ay mahal mo talaga yang corporate guy mo. Yun nga lang, di maitatanggi na talagang may libog ka pa kay seaman. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Who are you going to pick — si corporate guy o si seaman? Ganyan talaga, mahirap ang maging maganda. The only advice I can give you Tampa is this: relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Mag-jogging ka muna sa UP Academic Oval. Magpalipas ng madaling araw sa labas ng simbahan, habang nagsisimbang gabi ang mga tao, lumafang ka ng puto bumbong at bibingka. Baka sakali kasi na sa pagbibigay mo sa sarili mo ng kaunting panahon, huminga ng malalim at hayaang kumalamay ang pumipintig-pintig mong pantog, ay magkaroon ka ng mas matiwasay na pagkukuro-kuro ukol sa sitwasyong ito.

Good luck!
Migs

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May problem po ako. Di ako lumalapit sa bading. Kasi baka matuluyan akong maging bading. Kaya sa mga straight guys ako sumasama.Kapag straight guys kasama ko Nakakalimutan ko na yung mga bagay na kabadingan. Kasi naimpluwensyahan na nila ako. Nanliligaw, nagkaka-gf, nagdo-dota, nagba-basketball at nagkukwentohan about sa mga guy things. Sanay na akong nahihipuan, tinitigan at ino-offeran pa ng pera ng mga bading. Pero parati akong umiiwas para maayos ko yung sarili ko .Kahit guapo pa. Ang problema ko ngayon pati mga straight na kabarkada ko nagpaparamdam sa akin. Yung isa dinidikit yung t*t* nya sa likod ko. Sabi ko baka wala lang yun. Yung isa naman kapag kaming dalawa lang kinikindatan ako. Yung isa naman nung nalasing kami, sinama ako sa place nya tapos natulog ng nakahubad! Sa isang kama lang kami.. Sa isip ko normal lang yan. Pero nung marami kaming natulog sa bahay nya, nakadamit naman sya. Bakit ganun. Yung isa naman kapag nagbibiruan kami parati nyang sinasabi “reypin kita dyan eh!” Tapos pinaka masakit pa! eh ang gugwapo pa nila. Anu bang dapat kong gawin! Minsan di ko na ma-control yung feelings ko. Pero pinipilit kong magpakatatag.

- Juan

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Good day!

I am writing to you para maliwanagan ako sa lahat ng nangyari sakin. My name is Yours (a loan word from my true name so basically not really my real name, just sounded like my nickname. Actually there is a unique spelling of that nickname but to protect my privacy i just loaned the word as well as the spelling), 20 from Cebu. To be honest, I am bothered right now kung sino ba talaga ako lalo pa’t parang nagkagusto na ako sa kapwa ko lalaki na ang pangalan ay Emman (not his true name).

Emman’s dad and my dad are bestfriends, actually para silang magkapatid. Christian pastor ang dad nya and he is from strict and conservative family in fact, his dad is the reason why my family became Born again Christians. Nagkakilala kami nung bata palang kami,and Emman is a shy type of person, di ako gaanong nakikipaghalubilo sa kanya noon kasi I feel awkward kasi if kakausapin mu xa kasi nga tahimik tsaka parang maarte ang dating. When I was in second year high school and he was on junior high, lumipat cla sa lugar namin, so malapit na yung bahay nila sa amin, nagpatayo kasi sila ng bahay sa lugar ng kanyang dad (ang dad nya at dad ko ay magkababata, so magkapitbahay sila ng dad ko at ang dad nya nuon). Mula nuon, I frequented on their house, duon ko nakilala ng lubos c Emman. kinakausap ko na xa tapos mabait pala xa pag kausap ko na, then palabiro din pala xa. Nung una, nakakailang talaga kasi nga tahimik lang xa pero he would put jokes everytime na may pag uusapan kami. Marami xang mga kwentong nakakatawa na hango sa kanyang mga everyday experience sa school. Masaya talaga xang kausap, pero minsan seryoso. Masaya ako pagkinausap nya ako kasi that indicates na gusto din nyang kausapin ako. For me, its just such an honor na kausapin nya ako…and thats so weird para sakin. As time goes by, nag graduate na xa ng high school tapos ako 4th year pa, dun talaga nagsimula ang lahat nung nasa college na xa, at high school naman ako. I just dont know sa feeling ko, and I wasnt sure about it coz hinahanap hanap ko na xa araw2x. Araw2x pumupunta ako sa bahay nila, minsan pa nga doon na ako matutulog kasi sometimes ginagabi xa sa school. One time na dun ako sa kwarto nya nakatulog, and then d ko namanlayan na dumating na pala xa. Then in the middle of the night nagising ako na nasa kama na xa at katabi ko na. tiningnan ko xa sa mukha, and at the back of my mind I asked myself “Am I in love with this guy?, bakit ba hinahanap-hanap ko ang mokong na to, bat ako naghihintay sa kanyang pagdating?”. Swear to God, its not about sex that I after, but there was just something that really bothered me a lot until to the point that I asked myself if im gay. This really made me so devastated because I cant accept the fact na bakla ako or may feminine side ako. I dont really know kung bakit at paano nangyari ang lahat. Nung nalaman ko straight from her sister na may GF na xa, I was really shocked and pretended na masaya ako para sa kanya but the truth is, i was hurt. I felt that there is a need for me to overcome on that thing. I could not deny it. It was a feeling I could not identify accurately. Whenever he laughed over a joke with other churchmates na mga girls, that emotion filled my senses. It took me a while before identified it. I was in love; the feeling was jealousy. I felt the need to express it. But, I was afraid…that he would dismiss my feeling, that we would be stuck in an embarrassing situation, that our long nurtured friendship would crumble…therefore, I kept quiet. Pero nasasaktan talaga ako pag may mga babaeng nagpaparamdam nag pagkagusto sa kanya. Di ko nakuha ang attention nya and d nya rin napansin ang mga paramdam ko. Nahihirapan ako, I even hated myself that time because there was just an urgency for me to tell it to him, but I dont want na he would ask me if gay ba ako. Until such time na nakadesisyon na akong sabihin sa kanya. Nung panahong yun ay d ko na xa masyadong makikita sa bahay nila kasi nursing student kasi xa noon then duty xa sa gabi then tulog pag umaga. So I decided to na sabihin na para malaman na din nya ito. And I sent him a message sa kanyang friendster account. Everytthing was explained at sinabi ko sa kanya na nasa state of identity crisis ako and that parang nagkagusto na ako sa kanya. I told him that its impossible na he would also treat me in the same way as I am at sinabi ko rin sa msg na sana he will stay like before after knowing all of those. Nagreply xa, and that was positive, but he never told me that he felt the same way as i am and I never expected that answer from him. Napaiyak talaga ako, as in a baby cry, hagulhol talaga sa loob ng kwarto ko dahil sa sinabi nya. He told me that he understands me and that he will stay as a friend like before. But he wanted me to overcome the feeling as that is really impossible na mangyari. He wanted me to ask for God’s help and he will pray for me to. I just dont know bakit gusto kung talikuran ang aking abnormal na feeling pero gusto ko pa rin xa, I mean I want to turn my back sa feminine side ko but I also want him at the same time. I was devastated, in fact, I hate the kind of life i have right now. I dont want to end up lying to everybody about my reall identity kasi so far c Emman lang ang nakakaalam, he assured me that he will keep that in strictest confidence. Mula noon, paranng napansin ko na parang may gap na namuo sa amin, parang maiilang na xa. Pero I tried to reinstate the friendship we had. D naglaon, parang nakalimutan na din nya ang lahat. Back to normal. But my feeling is still there, gusto ko parin xa I dont know para ano pa nga ba. Gusto ko kalimotan xa pero d ko kayang magawa. Para na kasing magkapatid turingan namin then parang na guilty ako sa sarili ko dahil dun, nahiya na rin sa ako sa Dyos. Sa tingin mu migz, ano nga ba ang effective na paraan para makalimotan at ma overcome ko xa?I know na d ako normal na lalaki, pero everytime na remember ko xa, I cant get over. Should I tell him na d pa ako naka getover sa kanya? Or is that necessary to say? Am I considered crazy? Am I acting so stupid and should I stop this madness? I cant just push through because Im stuck. Please advise. Nahirapan na din ako sa sarili ko kasi Im guilty din kasi I feel na Im so bad that I lied to everyone about my sexuality. Your reply is highly appreciated.

Thanks,
Yours.

Dear Yours,

I won’t ask you to even consider trying to rip out your feelings toward your friend. It is possible, yet difficult, and quite frankly, unnatural. I’d rather ask you to keep at it, pursue him if your heart tells you that’s what you want to do. In the background though, notice how you are — take some time in taking a third party look at the situation, observe yourself from a different point of view, notice what feelings surface as you see yourself do what you’re doing. Do you like what you see? What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? Your answers to these questions may help you answer your own questions about what to do about revealing your feelings to Emman, about how you want to move this forward.

Also, there is a word I have long been meditating on, that I want to share with you now. It is the word “detachment.” Some may feel a bit of negative vibe with this, but I tell you, detachment is a beautiful thing. Detachment for me doesn’t mean indifference. It means being able to be passionate about something and yet at the same time, having the ability to peacefully accept whatever it is that happens in the end. It’s about having the humility to accept that there are so many variables in the equation, and not everything can be achieved just by working hard on it, or by thinking that you are entitled to it because you are this and that. Life is full of these complex things. Being able to detach one’s self from the fruits of our labor, our pseudo-urgent wants, even from those we feel so much for, is an act of humility.

I wish you the gift of self-awareness, the gift of humility, and the gift of fortitude.

Migs

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Thank you for widening the scope of the website even more. For a straight-acting gay dude, it’s difficult for many people to make them understand the mind of a gay man. Automatically, they would assume the effeminate side of being gay. And I feel guilty for even pointing that clearly out because it sounds as if I’m discriminating against our effeminate brothers. They are just like us.

Having gone through 2 courses in college and on my way to achieving my MA degree, I surprise myself that I couldn’t muster the strength to tell people I’m gay.. I did not deny my sexuality–it was just there. I don’t think a lot of people know I’m gay–I’m sure of that and that’s okay with me. I used to pretend I’m living in a soap opera life where my sexuality is something that boils in the back burner. It’s not something I would like people to draw attention to but it’s something worth noting that it exists.

Many people do not — cannot — comprehend the complexity of gay loneliness. Our loneliness stems from fear and questioning — about why we are really in this world. The only time I denied my sexuality was when a close female friend asked me if I were. Almost immediately it was as if my heart sank to my knees. I was confused whether to laugh while saying no or to appear serious while saying yes. Come to think of it, I should’ve said yes and laughed, which I think is what a typical coming-out reaction should be.

Lately, the news about the denial of the LGBT from representing in the elections and all these stiff-lipped bigoted straight authorities that shared their views about how tainted homosexuality is, made me want to reach into the computer and strangle the heck out of those people. Gay people are not full of hate. Then why are these bigots full of them. As if the life of a gay man isn’t filled with enough problems, then this came a long. But this action made by the LGBT to step up a notch and react even more was long overdue. I was desperately looking for something or someone to pour out my fears and frustrations at and it dawned on me — I was alone. Thank heavens for Manila Gay Guy. Thank the universe that the website is done with taste and professionalism — something that would prove gay people aren’t at all that flaming queers. Then I remembered why I wanted to act straight while being gay, I remembered all the reasons why I should go to the gym and workout everyday and not just to catch attention from all the probables. There should be another word for straight-acting because it sounds as if we are pretending to be straight as a cucumber. I wanted to appear strong and independent as if I’m a reed standing stately against the wind. I know that someday, I would have to face reality and make people see who I really am. I want to make people see, not just tell them. I know–we know–we are not immune to discrimination, to hatred, to lonelines and anger–we just need to prove more to ourselves than to other people that we can endure. But frankly speaking, I’m just tired. It’s website like yours that give me the strength to just acknowledge even for one friggin’ second of my day we exist and I’m not alone. Kudos.

- KDA

Dear KDA, I am happy to know how you’ve found comfort in my blog; even till now, more than 3 years since I started this, I have not fully comprehended the wonders of having such an active reader community. The community that has grown around MGG the blog is phenomenal, because everyone has his own opinion and is enthusiastic to share. We are diverse, yet one. Yes, you are not alone. So come sit with us, observe with us, debate and discuss with us, and in the end, however different our views or positions may turn out to be, I am sure that in our heart of hearts, we are joined as one. World Peace! ~Migs

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