Twenty-seven-year-old guy sends a letter harping on his first foray into gay love, and it’s a letter of heartbreak. The Fabcasters and their peanut gallery attempt to analyze and cross-analyze Mr. Letter Sender’s situation, and as usual, blended with their nuggets of advice you can sense how the folks are there to enjoy themselves as well. So have fun listening!

To listen, click here (27 m 52 s):

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Music credits:
“Pressure” by Billy Joel
“Read Em And Weep” by Barry Manilow
“Your Song (instrumental)” by Craig Armstrong
“Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart” by Alicia K

Podcast production by Mcvie.

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Two very butch (straight-acting, “walang bahid”) gay guys holding hands in public. Sa Starbucks ko kinunan ang dalawang napaka-sweet na couple. They are my friends Jay and Jojo (refer to the last Fabcast on “Gray Areas” for their love story). I’m interested to hear your thoughts about gay couples who are into public display of affection. What do you think?

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I can still feel, my Love, I can still feel. Those tears I just shed are proof that this heart of mine is still capable of loving. These past days I’ve been noticing how I was repeatedly telling myself that I’m exhausted. It’s as if every fiber of my beating heart is but a pulp of dry straw, and at any moment, will snap into powdery bits. Exhausted to the point of giving up on this quest for love.

Standing on the verge of hopelessness, that abyss not unfamiliar to a lot of people like us, I remind myself, Love, my Love, he’s still out there.

And suddenly, I thought, perhaps you, my Love, are exhausted too. Exhausted because for sure, for some time, you’ve also been looking for me. For sure, you are also getting impatient as the wait gets longer, and lonelier. Perhaps, you too, are standing on the same verge of hopelessness, worn out, contemplating on jumping over to that dark, damp abyss of jadedness.

No my Love, don’t. I am here. We just haven’t met yet. Or, maybe we have, but that we haven’t realized the Grand Destiny we’re meant to live, together, as life partners. But once we do, once you recognize it’s me, once I recognize it’s you, my Love, I shall lay your head on my lap. Tell you, before anything else, to rest and regain your strength. Recharge, and be at your very best. Because our journey together will be long, arduous, maybe even more exhausting, yet because I know we’re traveling together, it shall be, I promise to make it, well worth every little f*ckin’ waiting moment we spent looking for each other.

Original text from a previous post. Photo by Ian Felix Alquiros.

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Writing you this letter was actually a decision I had to make. Not that it’s hard to do but maybe I just thought of asking for a little help from you.

My name is Robert and I have been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now. I found out about your blog while I was scanning a certain magazine. And from then on, I got interested in reading your articles. The reason why I’m writing you this letter it’s because I’m having this “difficulty”, a situation where I don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anybody about this yet and hopefully I could get some piece of opinion from you.

Geo and I have been friends since early last year. We work at the same place but now we work in different departments as I recently got a promotion about a month ago. We recently just became quite close because of one sad event. Geo just broke up 3 weeks ago with his long time girlfriend, Kris, who happens to be one of my closest friends as well.. When they were still together, I always look up to these two guys since they are always the first ones to save my butt at work and their one of the reasons why I got the promotion I wanted. And, yes, their break-up greatly affected me as well. After that sad event, Geo had suddenly started texting me, asking me if there were any plans of going on a night out to drink with some friends which was very unusual. Geo is the type of guy who doesn’t really like going out to get some drink. From then on, we suddenly got closer than before. We never talked about how sad the break up was or whatever happened between him and Kris, instead we just drink the night away and have fun while talking about a lot of stuff. Yes, it made me wonder why Geo chose me as his company. First, he knows I’m gay (although I don’t look like one); Second, he knows I like him; and Third? I don’t know… I really don’t know. But a few days after, he answered my question when one of our friends noticed our sudden closeness.

“Parehas kasi kami ng mga hilig eh. Isa pa di naman to mahirap kausap lalo na pag inuman ang usapan…”

Yup, he says we have the same interests (apart from girls that is) which I then noticed as time passed by. And by the tone of his voice, I could say he really needed me just to be there for him in his saddest.

Here is where the problem starts. The more we get closer, the more my feelings start to develop. I tried denying it at first but I figured out I can’t. I suddenly noticed that everytime I’m having a chat with friends, I never forget to mention his name every time. When we’re not together, I sometimes think about me and him getting together (which I thought was very absurd). Yes, my thoughts were pleasant and alarming at the same time. Why alarming? Because people know for a fact that I am close to both him and his ex-gf. That’s the reason why I said I haven’t told anyone about this yet. I don’t want them to think that I’m that gay slut between Geo and Kris.. When I got to watch MMK last night, I told myself ayokong mangyari to sakin. Although there were no evidences, or chances so to speak, of them getting back, people still want them to reconcile and continue their 4-year relationship. And to say, I am actually one of those people who’d want to see them back together.
One time, when Geo and I ate somewhere with a friend after drinking the whole night, the conversation struck me.

Friend: “ba’t parati na kayong magkasama? Baka magkatuluyan na kayo ha!”
Me: “bakit naman hindi?” I jokingly answered.

It was at that moment when I heard him answer “why not?” at the same time. We just laughed about it while I was thinking ba’t nga naman talaga hindi? It wasn’t the first time he joked about liking me or about us being together. There was even one time when he joked around and told our friend malay mo, baka ang type ko na ay si… Robert??

They say jokes are half meant, well, 3/4s meant for some. I kinda understand why he’s so at ease with fooling people about what’s going on between us. Maybe it’s because he trusts me enough knowing that I won’t humiliate him in front of friends. That’s why I could say love gets too confusing because you know you’re about to fall but you also know you can’t because you’re not supposed to. I can’t blame myself for liking, or should I say falling for him because physically, Geo is very attractive. Tall and bald, just the way I like it. Personality wise, he’s such a gentleman, he’s very intelligent, he has such a great humor, he sings well and maybe the list still goes on.

I don’t wanna compromise the friendship that we have right now just because of my unbalanced thoughts. I enjoy every moment I have with him because I can never tell when’s this friendship gonna end. I know there are a lot of people talking behind me and I’m afraid Geo would start listening to them someday. I also wouldn’t want to look like the big slut who took away Geo from Kris. I know I’m a slut but maybe now’s not a good time.

I really hope you could respond to this personally or in whichever way you can. I just needed to vent this out to somebody just to make sure my mind is still in its sane state. I wanna know if continuing this friendship with him is still healthy for both of us or not. Well, thanks for taking time in reading this crap.

xoxo
Much Love
Robert

Dear Robert,

What a timely letter you sent me. Thank you. I feel that a lot of our experiences are both common (shared and similar) and unique (not exactly the same as anything else). I can identify with you, yet I know your situation is also very unique because of the people involved. So let me share my thoughts freely, and I’ll let you pick what you feel is useful, and leave others that are not behind.

Seems to me that your dilemma is about getting clarity about your relationship with Geo. Kasi naman, ang sarap ng feeling being with him di ba? Nakakakilig lalo na yang mga jokes (half or three-quarters meant) na parang may laman, mga bonding times together, etc. I can feel from the way you wrote your letter that you enjoy this thing that you have with Geo. Savor it, Robert. I say live with the present, savor every emotion, every breath, every moment you are with him; make the most of each meeting, each drinking session, enjoy the friendship as if it will end the next moment. Ngunit imbis na panggigilan mo, subukan mong maging mas payapa. Dahil sa pagiging mas payapa mas malalasap mo ang tamis ng inyong pagiging magkasama. Darating ang panahon na hindi mo na makakayanan ang bugso ng iyong damdamin, at kailangan mo ng magdesisyon — magbubukas ka ba ng iyong kalooban kay Geo tungkol sa tunay na nararamdaman mo o hindi. When that time comes, if you’ve truly been paying attention to the wonderful “stituationship” you’ve so far enjoyed with Geo, you will never go wrong. Be open to him, and feel what he truly wants for himself as well. But also, be open to yourself. Honor your feelings, they are telling you something. However your story goes, proceeds, or ends, I wish you feel gratitude for what the universe has offered you. Such a beautiful friendship. Whether you open up or not, whether you get rejected or bring the relationship to a higher level, know that you’ve received much. Be well.

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Listen: (32 min 28 sec)

Download this fabcast (right click and save – 31MB)

Music credits: “Forbidden Love” by Madonna; “Use Somebody” by Bat For Lashes; “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga; and “Trouble Is A Friend” by Lenka. Podcast Production by McVie.

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Listen (24 min 38 sec):

Download this episode (right click and save – 23 MB)

Podcast production by McVie.

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Balik tayo sa puso kong maligalig. Nakakatuwa, kasi may naitatagong lakas pa pala ang pusong ito. May asim pa, ika nga. Kaya pa pala niyang kiligin, kaya pa pala niyang pasayahin ang sarili niya. Kaya pa rin kaya niyang magpasaya ng iba?

Pero, nakakaasar din ang pusong ito. Bakit? Dahil alam naman niyang desedido na ako. Ayoko ng magmahal. Oo, narinig ninyo yan. Ang plano ko, na sa 2010, okay na ako. Tapos na ako. I’ve gone deep, I’ve embraced love, I’ve dived in, all the way, over my head even, experienced it fully and completely. And so I say, “Alright now, I’m done, I’ve earned my right to detach from that thing called romantic love.” And, you know what? Saying that feels like being realistic. Pero, putcha. Ayan, pumasok na naman si puso. And everything crumbles back to the same old me.

Ang puso nga naman, nakakatawang nakakaasar.

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Listen: (16 min 16 sec)

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Bunga lang ba ng malamig na temperatura sa panahon ng Pasko at may mga tao na bigla na lang gugulo ng buhay mo o sadyang mahilig lang talagang mang-asar ang tadhana?

Itong nakaraang linggo ay sunod-sunod ang mga di inaasahang pangyayari na sadyang nagpa-tambling ng isip ko’t damdamin. I have been seeing someone for almost several months now and have been quietly developing a deepening relationship with him. All the proper steps toward furthering the relationship are already there. We see each other almost every day and we still feel na kulang pa. He knows my family, I know his. We’re total opposites. I, an independent and self-employed individual in an extremely creative job and he, a pencil-pusher and is upwardly mobile in a corporate job. He’s highly-strung. I am as laid back as a feather flying freely in the soft wind. Despite the differences we’ve slowly built a good harmony. I am his ying, he’s my yang. Last week, I already gave him a copy of the keys to my apartment. (This is something I have never done before and is a huge step for me.) Things are going smoothly until…

My trouble began two days ago with one single ‘hello’ in my facebook from someone I haven’t seen nor heard from in two years. He’s an old flame. He’s someone I was so madly and crazily in love with for a whole summer. (Okay. Baduy. I know. Summer love affairs? At my age? But it did happen.) We spent crazy days and nights making love anywhere and everywhere we could. Ever tried doing ‘it’ behind a big saint’s statue at the back of the church DURING the last evening mass? We have. That’s how crazy it was.

Eventually, like all ’summer affairs’ it had to end. You see, it wasn’t only the season that gave it its ending but the fact that he’s a seafarer hopping off to another ship that would set sail. I did not hear even a single word from him since the last time I saw him two years ago. I sent emails to an address that bounced back all my messages. I still have them in my outbox and I count 263 messages sent. And for each message I sent, a slow tear would rend my heart… until finally, I placed them all in one folder and bid goodbye.

Silence…

…until that ‘hello’. A rush of emotions flooded my chest. (Putangina! Di ko alam kung sisigaw ako sa tuwa, gulat, inis… samu’t-saring emosyon ang dumaluhong sa dibdib ko nang mabasa ko yun.) I said ‘hello’ and in a few minutes he asked if I still live in the same apartment. I said ‘yes’.

This morning (it is evening now as I type this email) my doorbell rang. I was expecting my brother, who sent me a text message that he’ll pass by, at the door. But lo and behold! It wasn’t my brother but HIM. Though sporting longer hair than the last time I remembered him, everything about him hasn’t changed: the same smooth alabaster skin, the same taut body beneath the clothes, the same Ilonggo accent that is so familiar to my Visayan ears.

“Kamusta ka na?” was what he first said, and I responded, “‘Tangna mo! Ginulat mo ako! Pasok ka at nang masapak kita.” When I closed the door behind him, he stood there and quietly he murmured, “sorry”.

We never reached the stairs going up to my apartment with our clothes still on.
————

I am typing this email tonight, still licking in my lips the taste of his. I can still smell on my body the scent of his cologne. I can still feel in my groins every thrust, every movement and every orgasm spent this day when we made love, only standing up once to drink water. I still haven’t eaten not even a bite for I want to let the taste of his sweat, his sex to linger in my tongue.

With these thoughts in my mind, I still have to face tomorrow. For the whole weekend, I will be spending the time together with the one I gave a copy of my apartment keys to – with the aches and joys of a love that came back.

Yes… I am fucked.

———–

Note:
Tanginang buhay ito. (Pardon my French)
Bakit kailangang mangyari pa ito sa panahong ito ng Pasko?

- Tampa

Dear Tampa,

Huwag sisihin ang Pasko at ang dalang lamig nito sa mga nangyayari sa iyo. (Napapahagikhik ako rito habang naiisip ko ang mga maaaring comments ng ibang MGG readers — “hindi problema ang tawag diyan, blessing!”). Anyway, ang unang pakiwari ko ay mahal mo talaga yang corporate guy mo. Yun nga lang, di maitatanggi na talagang may libog ka pa kay seaman. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Who are you going to pick — si corporate guy o si seaman? Ganyan talaga, mahirap ang maging maganda. The only advice I can give you Tampa is this: relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Mag-jogging ka muna sa UP Academic Oval. Magpalipas ng madaling araw sa labas ng simbahan, habang nagsisimbang gabi ang mga tao, lumafang ka ng puto bumbong at bibingka. Baka sakali kasi na sa pagbibigay mo sa sarili mo ng kaunting panahon, huminga ng malalim at hayaang kumalamay ang pumipintig-pintig mong pantog, ay magkaroon ka ng mas matiwasay na pagkukuro-kuro ukol sa sitwasyong ito.

Good luck!
Migs

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“Huy, Migs! Joseph! Ang sweet ninyo naman, magka-holding hands pa kayo.”

And there we were, both surprised, holding our breath and wondering how it all happened unconsciously– my right hand in his left, spaces between my fingers filled by his, interlocked.

Yes, all along, without even knowing it, there was intimacy between Joseph and me. The light touches here and there, on the arms, knees, and thighs, while catching up on each other, enjoying red wine at Cav. His hands over my shoulders, tapping, and his warm breath on my ears, whispering, as we watched the last Eraserheads concert in MOA. His gentlemanly gesture of walking me to my car as we ended one evening of dinner and drinks in Serendra. And most recently, when he picked me up at the JFK airport, on our way to his apartment, while catching up, I felt him so close, so connected, his face merely an inch away from mine, as the whole world dissolved in oblivion, as if nothing in the universe existed but Joseph and me.

Dave, a close friend, was able to observe Joseph and me in New York. He was one of those I mingled and toured with while in the Big Apple, so naturally he saw how Joseph and I interacted. I had a chance to talk to him about my situation with Joseph.

“Dave, what do you think of Joseph and I?”

“Migs, I can sense your deep connection with him, and him to you.”

And I wasn’t able to keep my thoughts from becoming spoken words:

“Dave, do you think Joseph is gay too?”

“Importante pa ba yun, Migs? Kung ano man iyang mayroon kayo, kung ano man yan — hindi ba ang sarap ng may ganyan?”

I was silent. But inside, I was feeling victorious. Dave was echoing what my heart was feeling, and couldn’t turn into words. I love Joseph, and I’m happy with what we now have — no more, no less.

Joseph shared with me that in a relationship he needed physical intimacy. I did not tell him but I know I need that too. In my mind then, I know we cannot be together. He’s in NYC, and I shuttle between Manila and California. If only the world were smaller. Yet I wished it was bigger too, so it has space for what Joseph and I have.

On the day I was leaving NYC, Joseph logged out earlier at his hospital. “Migs, ihahatid kita sa airport ha. Wait for me, I’ll be home by 4pm.”

Almost on the dot, he was there, as I was finishing up packing my bag.
“Sana, nag-extend ka dito,” said Joseph, which I answered with a smile. “Kuwentuhan pa tayo, kahit gabi-gabi. Kasi Migs, after all these years, andun pa rin. Hindi pa rin tayo nagbago. Ramdam ko pa rin.” To which I replied with a pathetic, “oo nga eh.” Bags packed, coats worn, we then walked out into the cold, busy NYC streets.

At the JFK airport, a christmas song was playing.

“O paano, next year ulit?” Joseph asked.

“Definitely!” I answered.

“November?”

“Maybe. Maybe even earlier.”

“Or I visit you in California.”

“Sure!”

Then, the abrazos. It was tight, bittersweet, and strong. I love Joseph, and I know he loved me too. This thing that we have is beautiful, and I appreciate it as it is.

I left NYC happy, with a resolve to just continue to appreciate what Joseph and I have. And for me to do so, I compartmentalize. I leave that chapter behind and continue my life, either in California or in Manila, without Joseph. I was feeling good about the resolve. It’s working for me.

Until I opened my inbox the day after I arrived back in California.

An email from Joseph. This will be harder than I thought.

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