… because we had a common religious background, I told him about my feelings on the disparity between the religious beliefs we both held deeply, and my being gay. I said, “Joseph, I still believe in most of what our Catholic faith stands for, but I also believe my being gay is not a sin.” In this sense, I told him, I’m very broken. To which he replied, “Migs, I’m very broken, too.”
[Read the first part if you haven't done so.]
Joseph was broken too. Gets ko naman agad what he meant by that. He told me stories how — even during the times he was still living in the seminary of sorts — he was hounded by his natural sexual urges. He told me stories about how he relieved those sexual tensions, most of the time, leading him to what we then called “self-abuse,” otherwise known as masturbation.
“Nakakahiya, Migs…”
He’s always been a shy guy. Pero that time that he was opening up, when he was spilling the beans on his “bad boy” behaviors of yonder past, I saw through the shyness. I knew I was speaking with someone strong. Ironic that he was talking about his weaknesses when I saw his strength. Sa puntong iyon sandali kong nalimutan na guwapo siya, na katakam-takam siya — basta’t ang alam ko, kahanga-hanga ang taong nasa harapan ko.
“Hey Migs, after dinner, do you have anything to do?”
After dinner, he asked me if I had something pa. Sabi ko, no, we have the whole night to catch up. Ngumiti siya, at sabay, “halika, inom tayo. Mas masarap ang usapan pag may alcohol, he-he-he!” We transferred to this wine place called Cav, also in the Serendra area. He chose the wine, and said “it’s my treat ha, Migs.” I have to admit this silly feeling inside me, and while it’s a diversion let me talk about this briefly while we’re at it.
I’ve always been the informal leader in all relationships I had — in family, friends, barkada, and romantic relationships. People I deal with always expected that I’m always a step ahead, and thus the leader, the decision-maker. Even in the littlest of things. Like, in a barkada, whether to go out on a Friday night or not, or where to go. In the family, whether to have the family property rented out, or not. In a relationship, whether we have dinner in this place or that, whether we go for this party or that, whether we have sex tonight or another time. People almost always have this expectation of me, and I don’t blame them for that, because I think that is the aura I perhaps bring forth. But you know what? Sometimes I just wish someone else leads me. I just wish that for once, I get to be with this person who I can just be a follower to. Nakakapagod din kasi to play the same role over and over. That evening with Joseph, while he’s the same shy guy I’ve known back in our college years, he made me feel like he was the one in control. It was absolutely refreshing.
“I went to the US a couple of years after I finished my med studies in UST. There, I had a blast. Grabe.”
It was not just in New York, he told me. He went around the US, scouting for a residency post, and sometimes assigned to do some work in one state then another. In each of those places he went to, he had himself boinking a girl or two. In short, he was sleeping around. Umaararo ang lolo mo. This is his source of guilt all this time, even that night when he was spilling the beans. He’s been sleeping with girls. Pati ako medyo nagulantang. This guy who was so timid, di makabasag pinggan, is an absolute sex machine.
“Migs, I’m broken, like you.”
There is wisdom in this very simple statement. Joseph and I are both broken. First, we share the same beliefs and have not really junked the moral teachings of the Church. Second, we both transgress the call of the Church for purity. More specifically, that of restraining one’s sexual powers until it can be used for procreating under the blessings of the Sacrament of Marriage. In my case, since I can never be married to a man, all my sexual activities are deemed immoral, sinful. For Joseph, since he is not yet married, every time he boinks around, is also considered a mortal sin. We’re broken in exactly the same way. The only difference is that he boinks girls, I boink guys.
“Migs, there’s more…”
We wrapped up our evening after finishing off the bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon at Cav. When he excused himself to go to the john, and I was left alone for a while, I realized that evening was such a milestone. It was about the conversation, the raw honesty, the revelations, the feelings of guilt and brokeness, the insecurity laid bare. Also, I wouldn’t forget Joseph’s embarassed smiles, his eyes, sometimes piercing, sometimes scared and wobbly looking down, and the intimate touches here and there — on the hands, shoulders, knees, and thighs — which I always remind myself are just automatic expressions of brotherly love.
When we went out of Cav, he asked to walk me to my car. And you should know that that small gesture meant so much to me. Oo, kinilig na naman ako at naihi ng 3 drops. I will not read through it too much, though, but let me just say it’s as refreshing as fresh dalandan juice on a parched summer day. While walking, we agreed to see each other again, in November, in the US na. “Alam kong busy ka ngayon Migs,” he said, referring to barely 2 weeks left before I leave Manila and relocate to the US. He ends with this intriguing statement: “I have not really spilled all the beans. Bisitahin mo na lang ako sa New York before the year ends. You can stay in my apartment.”
The evening ended with another abrazos.
An abrazos that left me wondering, wishing, dreaming, about how we will be in New York in November.
* * *
The next day, I emailed him with a simple thank you note. I received a response the next day:
Hey Migs,
I had a great time with you too – your presence, our conversation, the dinner, the revelations over wine.
I’m glad you haven’t changed. You’re doing good in taking care of your loved ones and those people at work and in your social circle. Thanks for allowing me not to spill all the beans that night, haha. Ingat.
Joseph
* * *
Yesterday, I was still thinking of Joseph, that wonderful evening, and — I can’t help it — the beans yet to be spilled. Then I receive this text message from him:
“Before you go, let’s do wine part 2. You ok we do it in my condo?”
Like
Trip-trip lang mga katropang MGG! Inspired by 
I made a survey among friends with this question, “”Bakit ang daming mataray na bading?”
Tila ba nagmula sa kawalan ng kalawakan, biglang may nag-text sa akin. 
