I finally got the guts to write you a letter. It has been almost two years since the first time I read on your blog. Since then, I took inspiration, courage and the will to embrace the life I choose and share my story. Call me Roger, I’m 23 and already a college professor. I must admit that gay university instructors are not new, except for me. I’m closeted. I started to teach just last June 2009. Each time, I hold classes I make it a point that I could deliver the subject in the most ‘straight’ way possible. Every single day is a struggle especially if I get interested and attracted to students. This is my greatest fear what if I get hooked on a student? I can’t risk my job, neither my student’s future.

Until I met Joshua. He’s 17 and a freshman.

He’s short, lean, cute and exceptionally hot for his structure. Basically, teachers will remember only students who either excel in class or those who deliberately skip and make ‘pasaway’. And Joshua is the second. Given a few number of students in his class, he is very noticeable. I could sense that he can sense that I’m quite interested in him so during classes, he would sometimes give me some nasty smiles and just stare at me the whole time. I was really distracted because I don’t want to show any signs of motives. As the end of the semester comes near, I developed several diversional tactics just to drive away that ‘dangerous connections’. It was successful.

Second semester. I’m still their professor on another subject. I took a deep breath before entering the room and vigilantly scanning for Joshua. I checked their attendance and no sign of him. I asked the class, “Where is Mr. Engamin? (not his true surname)”, “Sir, he quit.”, a classmate exclaimed. At that point, I could not explain how I felt. It seems to be a mixture of both relief and regret. One time, I was on my way home, I bumped into Joshua. I was surprised to see him not in uniform. He’s wearing a semi fit yellow top (his nipples protruding), and skinny jeans with a bulge that is distracting. I asked how he was doing and he said. “Masama sir, talagang mahirap ang buhay.” At that instance, my lustful mood shifted to empathy. So I invited him to have some coffee and talk things over.

And things went different, he said “wala akong matutulugan ngayong gabi sir, pwede bang mag pension na lang tayo at dun na lang tayo mag usap?” I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I just said “Sige, no probs!” immediately. As we checked in, he took off his shirt and gave me that old nasty look. “Siguro Josh, sa susunod na lang tayo mag usap, uwi na ‘ko.” I hurriedly grab the knob of the door, but he pulled me back. “Samahan mo naman ako dito sir.” I could not refuse so I stayed. As we were about to sleep, he told me “Sir, Php 2,500 lang, all the way na.” I was terrified. I’m not going to fuck a student and pay him Php 2,500. After I told him, that I can’t and I won’t pay. He made the biggest bargain. “Sige sir, kahit wala nang bayad. Ok na ko na may matulugan ngayong gabi.” And everything was history.

Respectfully,
Prof. Roger

Dear Prof. Roger,

Kainggit naman ng story mo. Char lang. I’m in a playful, fun mood so do take what I will say here with a grain of salt. In short, wag masyadong toxic!

Pakiramdam ko you emailed just to share and chika with the world about your tryst with this ex-student. Wala naman akong naramdaman na remorse or guilt, at tama lang naman yan dahil, ika nga, keribelles lang `teh. Siguro ang fine print lang eh sana hindi na menor de edad si Joshua noong nangyari ang “biggest bargain” at “rest is history” rendezvous ninyo (iwas korte lang, hija). Having said that, I’m sure tataas ang kilay ng ilan nating kapatid, maghe-”hesusmaryosef” habang nagsa-sign of the cross. Nakikinita ko na ang mga hitad, binubulyawan ang blog na ito, “kunsintidora ka Migs!”

Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with what happened. Gusto niya, gusto mo, so be it. May pagka-pokpok siya (as in nagpapabayad, although puwede ring libre), may pagka-horny ka, so be it, o eh ano naman? Go lang. Masyado nang ma-judgment ang mundong ito, huwag na nating dagdagan pa. Hindi ka naman namilit, at di mo naman na rin siya estudyante nang nangyari ang pangyayari, so wag ka na ma-guilty pa. Non-issue yan. Lasapin mo na lang ang sarap nang gabing iyon, at baunin sa iyong baul of good memories.

Siguro mas bigyang pansin mo na lang eh ang pagiging mabuting propesora mo, `teh. Nasabi ko mang walang problema sa nangyari sa inyo ni Joshua, eh wag mo naman sanang karirin ang pakikipag-chorva-han sa mga estudyante mo. Hindi dahil mali ang pumatol sa estudyante. (Kung talagang love-love-love, wala naman talagang issue.) Ang pakiwari ko lang, maraming complications kapag hinabi mo ang mundo ng love/sex/work; may mga sinusuwerte sa ganyan, pero I would say mas complicated kapag magkakahalo ito. Kung ganyan talaga ang gusto mo (I mean, mga complicated situations) aba, sino ba naman ako para pigilan ka? Pero i-consider mo lang siguro na marami ka pang choices. Yun yun. Uulitin ko, marami ka namang choices. Dahil propesora ka (propesora daw o!), mayroon at mayroon talagang lalapit sa iyo, given your position of authority. Pero di ba mas maganda kung ang basis ng iyong kakasintahanin eh dalisay at wagas na pag-ibig, at hindi class card na pinasang-awa?

Naging alagad ka ng pamantasan dahil sa iyong angking talino. Gamitin mo ito. Ngunit sasabihin ko ring alagad ka ng kagandahan ko, ng kagandahan ng mundong ito, dahil may puso kang marunong magmahal. Gamitin mo ito upang magmahal nang tunay at dalisay; maraming isda sa lawa, maraming ibon sa himpapawid, buksan mo ang iyong mga mata, at higit sa lahat, buksan mo ang iyong puso — malay mo, ang iyong kapalaran ay nandiyan lang pagtapak mo sa labas ng iyong eskuwelahan.

Chumacharot magpakailanman,

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I never thought that the day would come that I would be the one writing to you. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your views on different dilemmas sent to you by your viewers. I need some sort of advice regarding my case. Just call me John, 22 years old, hurting and sad. My story just happened recently so everything is fresh from my memory. One day (to be exact February 13,2010), this guy (let’s just call him Renz, 29 years old) called me up. I knew where he got my number but I won’t mention it here anymore. He was a stranger. We talked for a very short time only because I was about to go somewhere. After our conversation, we exchanged a few text messages. When I got home, he called again. We talked for a very long time. I felt at ease talking to him. We exchanged infos about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our funny stories etc. It felt really good just talking to him. We joked about our boo-boos and all. He would sometimes say “I love you baby” in the middle of the conversation. At first, I just gave him a nervous laugh and told him “sira ka talaga”. I won’t deny the fact that I was really ‘kilig’ and I felt butterflies in my stomach. Before we ended our 3-hour conversation before midnight, I just caught myself saying I love him. I know I was such fool. Oo, nagpa-uto ako.
He called up again around 1am, Feb 14. We shared stories again, greeted each other happy valentines and said our I love yous a couple more times. Then he admitted he is currently in a relationship. He said he and his partner is going through some issues. He told me almost everything about himself, the relationships he had, how they all ended, pretty much everything! He said he sometimes feels lonely and I just cant help but make him feel better. I knew that I am beginning to fall for him. Napaka gullible ko talaga. I told him almost everything about me as well. I told him that not a single soul knows that I’m like this. He was the first one to know about who I really am. Before we went to sleep around 5:30am, the last thing we said was I love you. We didn’t hang up the phone. We slept with our headphones on. It was going on smoothly for a couple of days. We met up one time. He had errands to do for his partner and I accompanied him. Ang tanga ko talaga. Masochist much? He is really good looking. Everything I envisioned him to be, yun sya. When we were eating, he joked about sleeping on my lap. When we were waiting for a ride home he said “kiss mo muna ako” then on our way home, he whispered to me “asan na ang kiss ko?” Syempre I didn’t do it (pero gusto ko talaga). After that, we were still okay. After a couple of days though, he suddenly changed. We used to talk everynight, text each other constantly, he even calls me when he is at work. I think he felt guilty about what he is doing to his partner. Oo I shouldn’t have let it gone this far. What would I feel if I was the partner? Pero I was ‘inlove’ with him that I didn’t care what anyone feels. When things were starting to fall apart, I felt devastated. It was my first time to open myself to someone and it felt bad. He said he wants us to be friends. I know he does and I want it too. Kaso he became so dense and minsan ang NR nya. I know he’s doing that for me not to fall deeper. I just wanna talk to him not to work things out but just explain that being dense to me is doing no good. He told me once “makakahanap ka din ng para sayo”. Wow, define bullshit? I know that. Although I know he said that with the intention of making me feel better, it didn’t make me feel better. I just want him to acknowledge that at this point, Im in pain. He wants me to move on faster but that’s not something I can do in a snap, right? It’s not like I can just forget everything when I close my eyes. Opening up yourself to someone is like giving them the power to hurt you, and sometimes it’s not worth that risk. Ang sakit. Ang sakit pa rin. I can’t move on. Maybe because it was my first. And although I know it was my fault since nag fall ako kahit na alam kong he’s in a relationship, he is partly to blame dahil sinabi nyang mahal nya ako. Umasa ako Migs. Sino ba naman ang hindi, diba? I’m stuck in ground zero. Hindi ako maka move on. Remembering our previous conversations brings me to tears. Siguro sa tingin mo ang OA ko naman, but ang sakit talaga. Iba kasi talaga yung nafeel ko kanya. And alam kong may nafeel din sya for me. How do I recover from this experience? Salamat.
- John

My dear John,

You fell, and fell hard. It’s amazing how this story is repeated, cycled, and recycled by many people (not exclusively among people like us). But you know, however painful you are feeling right now, I see a glimmer of beauty in all these. I hope that you too, amidst all the darkness you are in right now, begin to see this little sparkle in the horizon. And I’m talking about this — your desire to be one with someone, to share yourself, your little secrets, your unopened life story. You are so full of good things, brimming, overflowing, that your soul so powerfully reaches out to another, celebrating, unifying, loving.

It happens that Renz, your object of affection, that other soul, have issues of his own. And as he struggles and feels his way through his own complex web of issues, your soul which is just eager to be with his, just cannot. This is the source of your pain. Your pain is not caused by the past, nor by Renz, nor by anything else. It is caused by your soul’s desire to reach out and find another to share and celebrate its goodness, its love. So, as you ask, “how do I recover from this experience,” my thoughts go to this source of your pain. How can you tend to your loving soul — that which only wants to share, to celebrate, to love, and to revel in joy? As I write this, as we together frame your situation this way, notice that it is more about using your soul’s energy in a different way. If before, you have Renz as the object of your soul’s energy, perhaps you can find other channels and objects — friends, family, pet, work, etc. — as your new object of love and affection? I would recommend though that one of the first things you’d consider is your own soul. Yes, your soul loving, aligning, affirming its own. This is the best opportunity to do that, now that you are hurting. The big question is: how?

Loving one’s self is not very easy because we’ve always been taught to be selfless, that being selfish is bad, etc. Now I tell you, no, now is the best time (it’s always the best time) to love yourself. Use your heart to feel what your soul is asking for. Notice how your emotions are guiding you to what your soul needs and wants. Avoid wallowing in the past (it can only make you feel more stuck and immobilized), and instead focus on your soul’s desire to joyfully, cheerfully give and share, to love; open your eyes and you will see that many others, not only Renz, can be the object of your soul’s fire. Only when you really tend to your soul can it be aligned to who you really are inside — and when that alignment happens, you will know, because you will experience joy, so unmistakable and so powerful that it cannot not radiate out to others. Try it. See how it changes things.

John, I wish you a break in the drama, and lots of energy to follow your bliss. I think of you at your best and happiest. World Peace!

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How come it envelopes every part of one’s self, so much so that one’s speech doesn’t escape the constant, many times repetitious, mention of the beloved’s name? And even in unspoken words and thoughts, the beloved’s presence is a fixture — the moments before sleep, he is thought of, so as in sleep, in dreams themselves, and in the break of unconsciousness to consciousness, he is there, just to be repeated constantly throughout the emerging day, till it’s time again to rest and sleep in his comforting, imagined presence.

Love makes life delicious indeed. And because of this, however way love/life progresses or ends, I revel in rapturous appreciation. I wish all of you, the experience of this kind of love.

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Hot, hot, hot! More here.

(By the way, happy birthday to photog Ian Felix Alquiros! *hugs*)

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