Iâ€™m in my mid-thirties, openly gay, but not gay. Iâ€™m not sure if this letter is worthy of space on your page (not the typical sensational/romantic gay story) but Iâ€™m writing you anyway. Iâ€™m depressed, suffocating on a recent realization that Iâ€™ll forever be unhappy. Iâ€™m what contemporary society might call a reasonably successful young professional- I own and run a small venture in my hometown where I enjoy a decent amount of reputation as an educator in the private sector. Though I donâ€™t look, talk, nor dress particularly gay-ish, everybody knows Iâ€™m one and none of it has caused me any problems where my work and business are concerned. The problem however lies in two areas of my life: 1) I resent that Iâ€™m the familyâ€™s breadwinner, and; 2) I donâ€™t fall for our kind nor get the least sexually stimulated by the same.
I come from a poor family–very poor farming family! My parents are old and sickly and most of my siblings have poor farming families of their own, so the sweet burden of taking care of Nanay and Tatay falls on my shoulders. Notice I used â€œsweet,â€ but notice too how readily I called it â€œburden.â€ Because thatâ€™s what it is to me inside. I think itâ€™s so unfair that just because Iâ€™m gay and thus single, itâ€™s my sole obligation to provide for them. Iâ€™m the one with a decent job alright, and donâ€™t get me wrong, I used to take pride in my breadwinning, but my role has inevitably evolved into parent for all. Nieces and nephews run to me for baon, siblings for both important and unimportant expenses, parents for aposâ€™ whatever expenses, those over and above the usual monthly bills and daily household expenses. I know I should say no and say no I tried, but then you see helplessness in their eyes so you just reach for your wallet while complaining inside. One time I got so fed up I might have said unkind words, but when the niece who asked for fare to school and Nanay who brokered didnâ€™t say a word and just turned and cried (they were scared they might anger me more), it broke my heart so bad that I resolved never to complain audibly again. Thatâ€™s my awful situation. If I help I complain, and if I donâ€™t I get so sad.
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