Manila Gay Guy

Hey Migs,

Writing you this letter was actually a decision I had to make. Not that it’s hard to do but maybe I just thought of asking for a little help from you.

My name is Robert and I have been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now. I found out about your blog while I was scanning a certain magazine. And from then on, I got interested in reading your articles. The reason why I’m writing you this letter it’s because I’m having this “difficulty”, a situation where I don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anybody about this yet and hopefully I could get some piece of opinion from you. (more…)

Like

Unlike

“Hey,” he texted.

“Hey. What a pleasant surprise. I just got back from the US. How are you?” I replied. It was our first text conversation after almost 2 years of no communication.

“Okay naman. Eto, tatlo na ang anak. My girlfriend just gave birth. Hehe. Ikaw, kamusta?”

“I’m good, medyo di pa nakaka-adjust sa time zone. Buti naman naalala mo ako.”

“There are just some people that are hard to forget, Migs. Hehe.”

“Touched naman ako. Hey, we should get together soon. I’m leaving again in a few weeks, and won’t be back till before Christmas.”

“Viajero! Sure, let me know your preferred sched. Between us, you’re the busier one.”

“I’ll text you when. What do you wanna do when we meet up?”

“I don’t know. You, what do you wanna do?”

“Perhaps dinner, coffee, conversation…”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“And I’d like a kiss from you too. You okay with that?”

“I’d love that. Perhaps we should get some place private…”

Yes, that was Attorney I was talking to over SMS.

Sigh.

Like

Unlike

When I was little, I memorized and repeatedly recited this little poem: “Mother, mother, I am sick. Call the doctor very quick! Doctor, doctor, shall I die? No, my darling, do not cry.” This same poem came back to mind as I received the following email from Dr. Ayedee Ace (not his real name). I include below our correspondence. Interesting. Read on, and share your thoughts.

hi migs,

i just want to ask your opinion regarding two experiences that i had. i won’t bother you with the details though.

i had a friend in college and who was also an org mate where we usually have meetings on friday afternoons after classes. this friend of mine was rumored to be gay, although he had girlfriends in the past. during the fridays when we didn’t have any afternoon classes, he would invite me to hang out at his apartment. one time we watched the whole “Angels in America” (an HBO series) on dvd. i wasn’t familiar with it, but eventually found out it was a gay-themed mini series. this friend of mine also had an apartment mate who, just a few years ago, came out of the closet.

i also had a room mate who i had no idea was gay. i eventually found out he was one when i walked in on him with another guy in our room (that’s another story). well, we had a talk about it. i evetually told him that i had no problem with him being gay, just as long as he gave me a heads up if he was having somebody around. anyway, i guess he got more comfortable with our living situation, he even invites me to watch episodes of “Queer as Folk” and the movie “Shortbus” on his laptop with him.

my questions are, in these two situations were my friend and room mate trying to:
1. find out if i was gay too?
2. win me over to the other side?
3. make a pass at me?

or am i just paranoid?

thanks, Ayedee Ace

Hi Ayedee Ace,

Thank you for sharing. You asked me, “am I paranoid?”

I don’t know. I can answer you better if you tell me more about yourself.

By the way, are you gay? Or have some doubts that maybe there is a
possibility you are?

Migs

hi migs,

first, let me just say that i think i just gave away my identity by emailing you with my actual email account. now you can just google my name and know how i look. how careless. but any way, let’s just keep my identity between the two of us.

about me – 26, physician by profession but currently teaching in a university, middle child, 3 brothers, over-achiever (dati)

anyway, the short answer is “it’s complicated”

when i was younger, i could definitely say straight – as in breasts, vaginas, the works.

but when i reached adolescence, that’s when things got a bit … different.

you see, i was abused by an uncle when i was around 4 or 5. he was around 13 or 14 at that time. the thing was, i didn’t know that that was an inappropriate thing to do to me until i was like 11 or 12 and read about stuff like that. all the while, i thought it was nothing, although i sort of had the understanding that it wasn’t a “normal” experience. and part of me felt guilty because at that age, i actually enjoyed it. even to this day, i can still remember the sensations, even the odors, of how things went the days i was actually abused. and somehow, the memories “excited” me. it was always at the back of my mind.

i think that was when things got complicated and i started imagining doing it with the same sex. i actually had an experience with a male cousin. i won’t go into any details, but let’s just say he was the initiator. but right now he’s already married. we actually sort of had a small talk about it and he just said “mga bata pa tayo nun. di natin alam ginagawa natin.”

anyway, currently, i think i’m bi (or maybe i’m just in denial) but i want to go back to being straight again (as if there is a magic pill that can actually do that).

well, i hope this bit of info will be enough.

thanks again, Ayedee Ace

Dear Dr. Ayedee Ace,

Your first letter struck me, because while you were asking questions about the meaning of your friends’ actions, I knew in my gut you had something else in mind. Well, as you yourself revealed in your second letter, indeed there was something else. That you are bisexual, perhaps “gay but in denial,” and is wanting to become straight if at all possible.

This is what I want to tell you: self-awareness is key. It is not about labeling — bi? gay? straight? confused? For now, I tell you, it does not matter. What matters is being more and more aware of your real self. What do you want? What does your inner self tell you?

You generously shared the story about your abusive past. I congratulate you for being honest and up front about it. It is the past, and you cannot go back to change anything. It is the past, yet it gives you some way to understand how you are right now. The challenge though is realizing the following: your past is not you. Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself, but you have a choice, you have the power of volition, and therefore can choose how your past would influence your present, and your future. You can choose to let your past be a prison cell, you can choose to let it be your scapegoat, you can choose to let it be your cloud of haze, or you can choose it to be just a story of how it was before, but not the continuing plot of your present and future story.

You are, as that poem/song says, “the captain of your ship.” And I repeat my invitation to be more self-aware. I believe awareness is self-correcting. In your journey, as you become more aware of where you are, and the direction your ship is sailing, you also become a more powerful captain, able to adjust your rudder, even bit by bit, and steer your ship to that place where you can be the best you can be.

Aye, aye, captain Ayedee! Your truth will guide you.

World Peace! – Migs

Like

Unlike

Hi Migs, I’m William (not my real name of course). I’m 18, studying at a prestigious university here in QC. Anyway, I have trouble in processing the fact that I’m gay.

Let’s just put it this way: the househelp found out my gay porn (I know, so lame of me), and now she knows that I’m gay, and now she’s pressuring me to ‘confess’ to her. Like she’s blackmailing me.This blackmailing has forced me to rethink who I really am. Am I gay? It’s just hard to process.
(more…)

Like

Unlike

Here’s a letter from an MGG reader, Jay Vee. Read and share your thoughts:

Hi Migs,

I’m jay vee, 25, and a reader of your blog for about a week now. Migs, Thank you!! malaki kasi ang tulong and advice na naibibgay mo sakin just by reading your blog. I just wanna share my problem and hingi na rin sana ng advice mo, i’m straight (yata!?!) and ikakasal na ako sa march. Ang problema migs may mahal pa akong iba, Si Tom barkada, best friend at boy friend ko.

ito ang kwento ko, Si tom at ako ay nabibilang sa isang barkada na puro straight na lalake ayon sa normal na takbo ng mundo sa mga mangmang na tao. Siyam kami mag babarka na puro lalake isa akong probinsyano na nag kolehiyo sa manila sa isang paaralan sa Intramuros. 2 konyo (erin at tom), 1 skolar (inyong), anak ng gov’t employee (adam) at 2 probinsyano (ako at si jeff) ang barkada namin.

alam ko mula pagkabata lalake ako, at hindi ako bakla madami ang nag bago mula ng tumira ako dito sa manila, marami akong sekretong malupit na hindi pwede malaman ng mundong kinabubuhayan ko, sapagkat pag nangyari yon katapusan ko na, mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay.

napagdaanan ko kong paano manggamit ng bakla, ang pakikipaglaro sa kanila para lang ibigay kong ano ang gusto mo dahil sa mga brkada ko noong high school na mga eksperto dito.. (wala nangyayaring sekswal ah) ang naka tanim sa utak ko mula pag kabata hindi maganda ang buhay bakla! tatanda ka mag isa at gagamitin ka lang, na alala ko may nag tanong kay daddy “paano kong lumaking bakla ang mga anak mong lalake?” sagot ng tatay ko “itatapon ko sa dagat!” hala!! wag ka magalit sa tatay ko mabait na tao yun at marami nag mamahal dun lahat na uri ng tao, ayaw lang nya siguro talaga mag ka anak ng bakla.

sa ngayon asar ako sa mga taong galit sa bakla at nanggagamit ng bakla, asar din ako sa baklang galit sa lalakeng nasa kahon!! naniniwala kc ako na kailangan mo palang kilalanin muna ang tao bago mo husgahan kong bakit ganun sya. ang pag huhusga at pag kakalat na bakla ang isang lalake na nasa kahon pa ay hindi nakakatulong kundi lalong nag papa liit ng pag katao nya.

balik tayo sa kwento ng problema ko, graduating na kami noon anim na lng kami natira sa barkada si adam kc pumasok sa PMA, at si Erin nag migrate sa america (pag katapos ng relasyon namin) . lahat kami may gf noon masaya ang tropa, at before graduation naisipan naming mag bakasyon sa nasugbu kasama ang mga gf namin… 3 days and 2 nights yon.. sa aming barkada wala pag hihinalaang bakla sa amin kc lalakeng lalake talaga kami lahat.

sa nasugbu…
around 1:30am siguro lasing na lahat… antok na rin si gf ko so pinatulog ko na sya… ewan ba pero gusto ko pa uminom so “inom pa tayo, bitin ako!!”, “tara samahan kita!” -tom, so ayon balik inuman kami nang maging seryoso usapan. napag usapan namin si ?Erin ang barkada kong pinaka ka close ko,
tom: “pare, tanong lang wag ka magagalit?” sabi nya
jay vee: “shoot”.
tom: “pare, naging kayo ba ni erin?”
jay vee: “GAGO!! ano problema mo!” napa mura tuloy ako..
tom: “pare kc, bago umalis si erin nag inom kami lasing yata ang gago, mahal na mahal ka raw nya at hindi nya kaya na wala ka, umiiyak nga na parang babae.” -
ano isasagot ko… eh di tumawa na lang ako… sabi ko matulog na tayo puro kalokohan na nasa isip mo… bago ako pumasok sa kwarto ko tinawag nya ako at bigla ba naman ako hinalikan eh tag libog ako migs, so sige nangyari ang hindi dapat mangyari..

ewan ko migs, pag balik namin ng manila kami na yata. talo pa nya ang lahat ng naka relasyon ko babae at lalake kong mag mahal, ramdam ko mas mahal nya ako kaysa sa gf nya, pero alam nya at alam ko na mas mahal ko gf ko kaysa sa kanya…

25 na ko, gusto ko na mag ka pamilya, mag ka anak na legal, at tahimik na buhay.. umuwi ng Pinas yung tatlo kong kapatid para sa bday ko lumuwas din ng manila sila mommy at daddy, lahat sila kinukulit ako na kailan daw ba ako ikakasal baka daw mawala pa si GF, napamahal na kc si GF sa kanila, wala naman kc akong masabing masama kay GF nasa kanya na lahat maganda, matalino, mayaman, masipag, mabait at syempre mahal na mahal ako!! lahat ng M yan ah.. sabi ok ok soon!!

sa madaling salita inaya ko na nga ng kasal si GF. mula noon biglang lumayo sakin si Tom, gusto ko sya kausapin pero umiiwas talaga sa akin migs, ang sakit kc mahal na mahal ko pala yong tao at parang hindi ako kompleto pag wala sya sa buhay ko. B-day ng gf ni Tom chance ko na para kausapin si Tom tatlong oras na kami mag kakasama pero hindi pa kami nag kakausap ng seryoso kc andun lagi kami sa gitna ng barkada. nauubusan ng beer so kailangan ni tom bumili doon ako nakakuha ng pag kakataon na kausapin sya sumama ako sa kanya, tahimik lang sya at hindi ako kinakausap kahit anong tanong ko… pauwi na kami non habang nag nag mamaneho si Tom sabi ko..

Jay vee: “putang ina mo TOM! mag uusap ba tayo o hindi!!! Mahal Kita!!”
(pucha migs, biglang umiyak si Tom, ahhhh naiiyak tuloy ako…) ito yong exact words na sinabi nya sa akin ah,
Tom: “Putang Ina mo rin! hindi ka marunong magmahal at hindi mo alam ang ibig sabihin ng salitang mahal!”
hindi ko alam kong ano isasagot ko migs, tumahimik na lang ako hahayaan ko sya sabihin lahat na sumbat na gusto nya sabihin sakin pero hindi na rin sya umimik migs, pero ramdam ko ang galit nya.. hanggang sa makarating walang imikan, after 30mins umuwi na kami ni GF bago ako umalis kinamayan ko si TOM “pare ingat ka! be good!” yun lang at ok lang sagot nya..

1 week na kami di nag uusap at nag kikita ni Tom, busy raw sya sa work at ako ay busy dito sa province.. Best Man nga pala si Tom sa kasal ko..’
Migs, parang hindi ko kaya ikasal ng nandon si Tom, hindi ko kayang makitang nasasaktan si Tom, hanngang ngayon mahal ko pa yata ang GAGO!
ano gagawin ko?? Iniisip ko lng hindi ba talaga pwede sabay mag mahal ng babae at lalake? Kailangan ko ba talaga pumili kay GF at tom? kung sakaling pumayag si Tom na pareho sila sa buhay ko, makasarili ba ako? nagmahal lang ako.

1.) Tapos na ako sa buhay kumplekado, ikakasal na ako sa babaeng mahal ko at mahal ako, pero mahal ko din si Tom ayaw ko may mawala sa kanila.
2.) Paano kong pag dating ng panahon ay malaman ng GF ko ang relasyon namin ni Tom, kakayanin ko ba sya harapin?
3.) Trip lang sa akin ang pakikipag relasyon sa lalake, Mahal ko ba talaga si TOM?
4.) bakla ba ako? never ako na tsismis at napabalita na bakla, bakit ako nag mamahal ng isang lalake?
5.) bakit pag iniisip ko kong sino kasama ko pag tanda papalit palit ang mukha ni Gf at tom..
6.) marami pa Migs.. sasabog na yata utak ko…

jay vee

Like

Unlike

Grabe, nakakatuwa talaga ang mundo. Kanina I was just browsing Facebook. Dahil feature ng Facebook yung nagsa-suggest ng “People You May Know” I saw the profile of this guy, let’s call him Allen. What made me smile was that his profile pic was a very sweet image of him and his girlfriend. Let me repeat that. GIRLfriend. Babae ang karelasyon nito. Babae. Girlalu, obaryo, fallopian tube, bilat, vagina monologue. I whispered to myself, “ahhh… babae na pala talaga ang gusto niya ngayon.” Napangiti talaga ako, kasi naman, may history ito. Officemate ko kasi dati yang si Allen. Ang nakakatuwa nito, kilala ko na siya bago ko pa man siya naging officemate. At alam ko na ang likaw ng bituka niya.

Schoolmate niya ang jowa ko noon (na tatawagin nating Jowa sa salaysay na ito). Sa UP Diliman sila pareho nag-aral. Sa isang subject na nag-require sa kanila na magsulat ng isang position paper, kinailangan nilang maghanap ng ka-partner. Sa madaling salita, si Jowa at si Allen ang naging magka-partner.

Si Jowa at si Allen ay parehong lalakeng-lalake. Sa pagkilos, pananamit, at pagsasalita. Kaya walang problema. Pero si Jowa, may kakaibang talento sa pang-amoy. Anlakas ng radar niya, ng tinatawag na gaydar. Walang senyales pero pakiramdam niya noon, may kakaibang hilig si Allen. Hindi lang talaga niya ma-confirm. Pero tulad ng inaasahan, nauwi ang project na ito sa mga overnight-overnightan. Doon niya nakilala ng husto si Allen, pati na ang misteryo sa likod ng macho guwapitong imahe nito. Mahilig din pala siya sa mga guwapo.

Sa mga overnight-overnightan nila nangyari ang mga dapat mangyari. Kaya’t ayon kay Jowa, tunay na kabaro ang kanyang kaklaseng si Allen. Nagpatuloy ang kanilang sexcapades, even after matapos i-submit ang position paper. Natigil lang ito ng mabalitaan ni Jowa na nagka-girlfriend si Allen. At ito ay si Cheryl, ang babaeng bestfriend ni Jowa. Walang problema yun kay Jowa. Inintindi na lamang niya na baka dala lang ng bugso ng pagnanasa ang mga namagitan sa kanila ni Allen. Hindi sinabi ni Jowa kay Cheryl ang nakaraan nila ni Allen. Pero pagkatapos lamang ng ilang buwan, nag-break din sina Allen at Cheryl. Nagpatuloy naman ang friendship ni Jowa at Allen — although hindi naikuwento ni Jowa kung nagpatuloy rin ang kanilang nocturnal activities.

Matapos ang ilang taon, pare-pareho nang nag-graduate sina Jowa, Cheryl, at Allen. Noon ko nakilala si Jowa, at naging kami na nga. Isang gabi, habang magkasama kami ni Jowa, narinig kong may kausap siya sa cellphone. Si Allen. Pinakausap sa akin ni Jowa si Allen, basta lang daw, para lang daw makausap ko ang dating boyfriend ng bestfriend niyang si Cheryl. Go, sabi ko. “Hi, Allen,” pambungad na bati ko sa kanya, “kamusta?”

Sa kabilang linya, sumagot si Allen: “Migs… ok naman. Ganda ng boses mo ah. Guwapo ka ba?”

Natawa na lang ako. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano pa ang napag-usapan namin sa maigsing phonecall na iyon. Basta ang di ko malimutan eh ang interes ni Allen na malaman kung guwapo nga ba ang kausap niya.

Nang maging mag-officemate kami, noon ko lamang nasilayan ang itsura ni Allen. Mestisuhin. Di katangkaran, pero may dating. Bad boy look. Pero makinis, in fairness. Delicious looking, kumbaga. Pero siyempre dahil self-imposed rule ko nga ang “No Office Romance” keber ang beauty niya sa akin. Hanggang tango at ngiti lang kami. Ni hindi ko alam kung alam niya na ako yung nakausap niya sa telepono.

Nag-resign si Allen matapos ang ilang taon, habang ako ay nanatili sa kumpanya. Ngayong gabi, nakita ko ulit ang Allen, sa Facebook, at iyun nga, sweet na sweet na naman pala sa isang mujer, sa isang tunay na mujer.

May nabasa ako sa kungsaan, sinasabing ang sekswalidad daw, specifically ang sexual preference ay fluid. Maaring sa ilang tao, masasabi nilang sila ay siguradong-siguradong lalake, o siguradong-siguradong bading, ngunit may pagkakataon din namang may mga taong mas fluid ang preference. Sa pananaw ko, nabibilang si Allen sa kategoryang ito. Fluid Sexuality. Maaaring papalit-palit, palipat-lipat.

Nakaka-intriga, di ba? Siyempre naisip ko rin, “nage-enjoy din kaya talaga siya sa babae? O cover girl lang si girl, as in panakip-butas?” I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, kasi mukhang in love naman talaga sila ni mujer. Talaga sigurong fluid lang ang sexuality niya. Talaga lang sigurong maari siyang papalit-palit ng gusto, palipat-lipat ng kampo.

Ikaw, giliw na mambabasa ko… may kilala ka rin bang tulad ni Allen? Sa tingin mo ba’y pupuwede ngang FLUID ang sexuality? Maaari nga bang minsa’y gusto ng isa ay lalake, at pagkaminsa’y babae naman? Ano sa tingin mo?

Like

Unlike

Ang nakaraan: [Narito ang kabuuan ng nakaraan.]

Ramdam ko ang init na galing sa balat niya, nanunuot sa kalamnan ko. Sa gitna ng katahimikan, tumawa siya, mahina. Parang alam ko na kung ano ang mangyayari. Kumakabog ang dibdib ko na para bang may tatlumpung puso ang tumitibok sabay-sabay. Sabi ko na lang, pabiro, “gawin mo na ang gusto mong gawin.”

(more…)

Like

Unlike

Araw ng Pasko, kung bakit may isang tao ang tila ba biglang sumulpot sa aking alaala. Francis ang pangalan niya. Kaibigan ko siya mahigit 10 taon na ang nakalipas. Matalik na kaibigan. Napakabait sa akin ng taong ito, ngunit sa iba, tila ba napakasuplado niya. Napakatalino rin niya, mahilig magbasa at makipagduwelo sa pamamagitan ng salita’t malalalim na diwa. Batang-bata pa ako noong mga panahong halos araw-araw ay kasama ko siya, at dahil na rin siguro sa gayon, madaling nahulog ang loob ko kay Francis. At siya rin ang kauna-unahang lalaking aking nakasiping.

(more…)

Like

Unlike

Here’s a short indie film (less than 10min) from Giraldi Media. Another reference to that book, “Now That You Know.” If your parents are fond of reading books, this might just be useful.

If the coming out process is difficult for gay people, it is often equally difficult for their parents. Confusion, anger, and fear frequently cause fathers and mothers of gay men and lesbians to disavow, strike out against, and even resent their children. For many parents, a child’s coming out feels like the ultimate rejection–not only of their dreams and hopes but of their own heterosexuality. In Now That You Know: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children, Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward–the mothers of, respectively, a gay man and a lesbian–have charted the rough seas that almost every parent of a gay person travels.

Fairchild and Hayward presume that homosexuality is a positive good, and that it is willful ignorance and homophobia that are moral wrongs. They also believe that families can and should love all members and that it is distraught or confused parents (not their gay offspring) who must change. Mixing common sense with a firm sense of social justice and love, the authors systematically address almost all of the problems faced by parents of gay people. Answering questions on religion, AIDS, health, children, alternative families, and sex, they make the complicated gay world–often a nightmare vision for “just out” parents of gays–not only manageable but happy and nurturing. –Michael Bronski (Amazon.com Review)

Video after the jump.
(more…)

Like

Unlike

Hey Migs!

It’s only recently that I discovered your site, but I’m now an avid reader of your blogs/posts. Some are encouraging, others are very, very stimulating. Anyway, I wanna share something that may arise some curiosity to our readers.

As we all know, we are in a country that is pre-dominantly catholic. Most often than not, we follow all catholic practices, from our very colorful fiestas, to our mournful holy week, and of course, circumcision (or pagtutuli, in our filipino linggo). Most of the filipino men are circumcised at an average age of 10-12 years old. Aside from it being a religious practice and hygienic practice, it’s usually a “right of passage” for the boys. If you’re circumcised, it’s as if you’re already a full-fledge man and you can do whatever you want. Boys begin to explore how to masturbate, watch porn with their friends (or even older bros), and even compare how one’s circumcised penis is different from the other boys. The deepness of a boy’s voice is often connected if he is already circumcised. The growth spurt is also connected of the boy being circumcised. But how what about an uncircumcised boy? Does he still experience what a circumcised boy is going through? Or does he stay being a “boy” if he stays being uncircumcised?
(more…)

Like

Unlike