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Hello po! Mr. Migs! Napag-isipan kong isulat ang aking kwento dahil gusto ko malaman ang reaksyon ninyo at ng mga readers tungkol sa aking naranasan. Papa-ikiliin ko na ang kwento ko at direct to the point.

Ako si Drew, 18. Ako ay isang Marine Student sa isang prominenteng Maritime School dito sa Pilipinas. Syempre, in-house ang aming training. Sabay-sabay kaming gumigising, nag-eexercise, kumakain, nag-aaral. Pero maswerte pa din kami kasi may privacy kami. Kasi by rooms ang mga kadete. Hindi kagaya sa iba na barracks type kung tawagin o puro kama-kama sa isang floor.

Siya ay si Joseph, 19. Siya ang roommate ko. Nagkakilala kami nung orientation pa lang. Naging close na agad kami kaya kami na ang nagdecide na maging roommates. Nagstart ang klase June 2009.

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Hey Migs,

Writing you this letter was actually a decision I had to make. Not that it’s hard to do but maybe I just thought of asking for a little help from you.

My name is Robert and I have been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now. I found out about your blog while I was scanning a certain magazine. And from then on, I got interested in reading your articles. The reason why I’m writing you this letter it’s because I’m having this “difficulty”, a situation where I don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anybody about this yet and hopefully I could get some piece of opinion from you.

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When I was little, I memorized and repeatedly recited this little poem: “Mother, mother, I am sick. Call the doctor very quick! Doctor, doctor, shall I die? No, my darling, do not cry.” This same poem came back to mind as I received the following email from Dr. Ayedee Ace (not his real name). I include below our correspondence. Interesting. Read on, and share your thoughts.

doctordrareyoubi

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hi migs,

i just want to ask your opinion regarding two experiences that i had. i won’t bother you with the details though.

i had a friend in college and who was also an org mate where we usually have meetings on friday afternoons after classes. this friend of mine was rumored to be gay, although he had girlfriends in the past. during the fridays when we didn’t have any afternoon classes, he would invite me to hang out at his apartment. one time we watched the whole “Angels in America” (an HBO series) on dvd. i wasn’t familiar with it, but eventually found out it was a gay-themed mini series. this friend of mine also had an apartment mate who, just a few years ago, came out of the closet.

i also had a room mate who i had no idea was gay. i eventually found out he was one when i walked in on him with another guy in our room (that’s another story). well, we had a talk about it. i evetually told him that i had no problem with him being gay, just as long as he gave me a heads up if he was having somebody around. anyway, i guess he got more comfortable with our living situation, he even invites me to watch episodes of “Queer as Folk” and the movie “Shortbus” on his laptop with him.

my questions are, in these two situations were my friend and room mate trying to:
1. find out if i was gay too?
2. win me over to the other side?
3. make a pass at me?

or am i just paranoid?

thanks, Ayedee Ace

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Hi Ayedee Ace,

Thank you for sharing. You asked me, “am I paranoid?”

I don’t know. I can answer you better if you tell me more about yourself.

By the way, are you gay? Or have some doubts that maybe there is a
possibility you are?

Migs

* * *

hi migs,

first, let me just say that i think i just gave away my identity by emailing you with my actual email account. now you can just google my name and know how i look. how careless. but any way, let’s just keep my identity between the two of us.

about me – 26, physician by profession but currently teaching in a university, middle child, 3 brothers, over-achiever (dati)

anyway, the short answer is “it’s complicated”

when i was younger, i could definitely say straight – as in breasts, vaginas, the works.

but when i reached adolescence, that’s when things got a bit … different.

you see, i was abused by an uncle when i was around 4 or 5. he was around 13 or 14 at that time. the thing was, i didn’t know that that was an inappropriate thing to do to me until i was like 11 or 12 and read about stuff like that. all the while, i thought it was nothing, although i sort of had the understanding that it wasn’t a “normal” experience. and part of me felt guilty because at that age, i actually enjoyed it. even to this day, i can still remember the sensations, even the odors, of how things went the days i was actually abused. and somehow, the memories “excited” me. it was always at the back of my mind.

i think that was when things got complicated and i started imagining doing it with the same sex. i actually had an experience with a male cousin. i won’t go into any details, but let’s just say he was the initiator. but right now he’s already married. we actually sort of had a small talk about it and he just said “mga bata pa tayo nun. di natin alam ginagawa natin.”

anyway, currently, i think i’m bi (or maybe i’m just in denial) but i want to go back to being straight again (as if there is a magic pill that can actually do that).

well, i hope this bit of info will be enough.

thanks again, Ayedee Ace

* * *

Dear Dr. Ayedee Ace,

Your first letter struck me, because while you were asking questions about the meaning of your friends’ actions, I knew in my gut you had something else in mind. Well, as you yourself revealed in your second letter, indeed there was something else. That you are bisexual, perhaps “gay but in denial,” and is wanting to become straight if at all possible.

This is what I want to tell you: self-awareness is key. It is not about labeling — bi? gay? straight? confused? For now, I tell you, it does not matter. What matters is being more and more aware of your real self. What do you want? What does your inner self tell you?

You generously shared the story about your abusive past. I congratulate you for being honest and up front about it. It is the past, and you cannot go back to change anything. It is the past, yet it gives you some way to understand how you are right now. The challenge though is realizing the following: your past is not you. Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself, but you have a choice, you have the power of volition, and therefore can choose how your past would influence your present, and your future. You can choose to let your past be a prison cell, you can choose to let it be your scapegoat, you can choose to let it be your cloud of haze, or you can choose it to be just a story of how it was before, but not the continuing plot of your present and future story.

You are, as that poem/song says, “the captain of your ship.” And I repeat my invitation to be more self-aware. I believe awareness is self-correcting. In your journey, as you become more aware of where you are, and the direction your ship is sailing, you also become a more powerful captain, able to adjust your rudder, even bit by bit, and steer your ship to that place where you can be the best you can be.

Aye, aye, captain Ayedee! Your truth will guide you.

World Peace! – Migs

Hi Migs, I’m William (not my real name of course). I’m 18, studying at a prestigious university here in QC. Anyway, I have trouble in processing the fact that I’m gay.

Let’s just put it this way: the househelp found out my gay porn (I know, so lame of me), and now she knows that I’m gay, and now she’s pressuring me to ‘confess’ to her. Like she’s blackmailing me.This blackmailing has forced me to rethink who I really am. Am I gay? It’s just hard to process.

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Mark of Cebu is one confused guy. He says, “I wish I was just normally gay, or normally guy.” His email below shows the extent of his confusion, and how I wish he perseveres through the stage he currently is in, and come out a stronger, and overall better person. MGG readers, please read on, and be generous with sharing your thoughts. And for those who are going through something similar as Mark, I hope you feel strengthened knowing that there are other guys who are going through the same predicament as you are, and that there are people in this supposedly cruel world who are kind enough to listen, and give a piece of their mind on the matter. World Peace!

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Hi Migs,

First of all, I am sorry if I have to use a bogus email account. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that the thought of coming out makes me sweat to some extent.
Being the Manilagayguy, I hope you could shed some light to my dilemma. By the way, you can call me Mark of Cebu (not my real name). I am now 23 years old and I am definitely at the crossroads, I am definite I am gay, to some point yes. (whether bi or not, I don’t know just yet).

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Here’s a letter, a cry for help from one of our readers, asking for advise regarding his situation. In summary, he is an OFW Nurse in the United Kingdom, in love with a Philippine-based, soon-to-get-married bum back home. I think this is one good proof that when one is in a sticky situation, the circumstances seem to be much more complicated than they really are; and when we are the one watching someone else stuck in something, it seems the situation is so simple we wonder why he chooses to remain stuck. Read on, and feel free to share your thoughts.

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Dear Migs,

i have read a lot of stories on the homo-confused section of the manila gay guy website. i know my story is quite common but i want an answer for my own problem.

i must admit that i am gay. i felt this feeling since i was in high school but never entertained it and even when i was in college. all my friends are straight and everybody in my community respects me. alam mo naman sa provinces mataas respect nila sayo if degree holder ka and you keep your feet on the ground so lahat ng friends ko and kumpares are either tricycle drivers, tambays and sunog-baga. i had 3 gf’s before, had sex with them but i enjoy more when im having sex with men. my first sexual encounter with a guy was when i was in saudi.i will not discuss the relationship into detail as he is not the subject of my problem.

i am an ofw nurse in uk, and 35 years old. i have this friend of mine, 27 years old (tambay nga) back home. he is one of my drinking buddies. we drink everywhere and go to beerhouses everytime im on my vacation. i have a crush on him but obviously i couldn’t let him know for the fear of rejection and humiliation. everytime we are drunk, i always put my hand on his shoulders or my head on his lap pretending that i’m very drunk and so at least my elbow could feel his cock. my friends sleep in my room from time to time including him.

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Here’s Seth second email, with my response at the bottom. Don’t attempt to read this without going through the first email exchange. Here, Seth further details his confusion, and somehow highlights his strong preference for women, and then again saying, “ang gulo talaga.” Towards the end of his letter he reveals an event in his childhood, and asks if it may be the cause of his confusion. Read on, and feel free to share your thoughts, dear MGG readers!

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One of the many great things I really enjoy when I started having this blog is receiving emails from readers. I get several everyday, and I tell you however busy I get, I always make it a point to open my email inbox, and excitedly go through emails from MGG readers.

For this post, I picked one email exchange. The email is from Seth, a father of two kids, each from a different woman. He asks, “Am I gay?” This is pretty long, but rather interesting. Read on.

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