I finally got the guts to write you a letter. It has been almost two years since the first time I read on your blog. Since then, I took inspiration, courage and the will to embrace the life I choose and share my story. Call me Roger, I’m 23 and already a college professor. I must admit that gay university instructors are not new, except for me. I’m closeted. I started to teach just last June 2009. Each time, I hold classes I make it a point that I could deliver the subject in the most ‘straight’ way possible. Every single day is a struggle especially if I get interested and attracted to students. This is my greatest fear what if I get hooked on a student? I can’t risk my job, neither my student’s future.

Until I met Joshua. He’s 17 and a freshman.

He’s short, lean, cute and exceptionally hot for his structure. Basically, teachers will remember only students who either excel in class or those who deliberately skip and make ‘pasaway’. And Joshua is the second. Given a few number of students in his class, he is very noticeable. I could sense that he can sense that I’m quite interested in him so during classes, he would sometimes give me some nasty smiles and just stare at me the whole time. I was really distracted because I don’t want to show any signs of motives. As the end of the semester comes near, I developed several diversional tactics just to drive away that ‘dangerous connections’. It was successful.

Second semester. I’m still their professor on another subject. I took a deep breath before entering the room and vigilantly scanning for Joshua. I checked their attendance and no sign of him. I asked the class, “Where is Mr. Engamin? (not his true surname)”, “Sir, he quit.”, a classmate exclaimed. At that point, I could not explain how I felt. It seems to be a mixture of both relief and regret. One time, I was on my way home, I bumped into Joshua. I was surprised to see him not in uniform. He’s wearing a semi fit yellow top (his nipples protruding), and skinny jeans with a bulge that is distracting. I asked how he was doing and he said. “Masama sir, talagang mahirap ang buhay.” At that instance, my lustful mood shifted to empathy. So I invited him to have some coffee and talk things over.

And things went different, he said “wala akong matutulugan ngayong gabi sir, pwede bang mag pension na lang tayo at dun na lang tayo mag usap?” I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I just said “Sige, no probs!” immediately. As we checked in, he took off his shirt and gave me that old nasty look. “Siguro Josh, sa susunod na lang tayo mag usap, uwi na ‘ko.” I hurriedly grab the knob of the door, but he pulled me back. “Samahan mo naman ako dito sir.” I could not refuse so I stayed. As we were about to sleep, he told me “Sir, Php 2,500 lang, all the way na.” I was terrified. I’m not going to fuck a student and pay him Php 2,500. After I told him, that I can’t and I won’t pay. He made the biggest bargain. “Sige sir, kahit wala nang bayad. Ok na ko na may matulugan ngayong gabi.” And everything was history.

Respectfully,
Prof. Roger

Dear Prof. Roger,

Kainggit naman ng story mo. Char lang. I’m in a playful, fun mood so do take what I will say here with a grain of salt. In short, wag masyadong toxic!

Pakiramdam ko you emailed just to share and chika with the world about your tryst with this ex-student. Wala naman akong naramdaman na remorse or guilt, at tama lang naman yan dahil, ika nga, keribelles lang `teh. Siguro ang fine print lang eh sana hindi na menor de edad si Joshua noong nangyari ang “biggest bargain” at “rest is history” rendezvous ninyo (iwas korte lang, hija). Having said that, I’m sure tataas ang kilay ng ilan nating kapatid, maghe-”hesusmaryosef” habang nagsa-sign of the cross. Nakikinita ko na ang mga hitad, binubulyawan ang blog na ito, “kunsintidora ka Migs!”

Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with what happened. Gusto niya, gusto mo, so be it. May pagka-pokpok siya (as in nagpapabayad, although puwede ring libre), may pagka-horny ka, so be it, o eh ano naman? Go lang. Masyado nang ma-judgment ang mundong ito, huwag na nating dagdagan pa. Hindi ka naman namilit, at di mo naman na rin siya estudyante nang nangyari ang pangyayari, so wag ka na ma-guilty pa. Non-issue yan. Lasapin mo na lang ang sarap nang gabing iyon, at baunin sa iyong baul of good memories.

Siguro mas bigyang pansin mo na lang eh ang pagiging mabuting propesora mo, `teh. Nasabi ko mang walang problema sa nangyari sa inyo ni Joshua, eh wag mo naman sanang karirin ang pakikipag-chorva-han sa mga estudyante mo. Hindi dahil mali ang pumatol sa estudyante. (Kung talagang love-love-love, wala naman talagang issue.) Ang pakiwari ko lang, maraming complications kapag hinabi mo ang mundo ng love/sex/work; may mga sinusuwerte sa ganyan, pero I would say mas complicated kapag magkakahalo ito. Kung ganyan talaga ang gusto mo (I mean, mga complicated situations) aba, sino ba naman ako para pigilan ka? Pero i-consider mo lang siguro na marami ka pang choices. Yun yun. Uulitin ko, marami ka namang choices. Dahil propesora ka (propesora daw o!), mayroon at mayroon talagang lalapit sa iyo, given your position of authority. Pero di ba mas maganda kung ang basis ng iyong kakasintahanin eh dalisay at wagas na pag-ibig, at hindi class card na pinasang-awa?

Naging alagad ka ng pamantasan dahil sa iyong angking talino. Gamitin mo ito. Ngunit sasabihin ko ring alagad ka ng kagandahan ko, ng kagandahan ng mundong ito, dahil may puso kang marunong magmahal. Gamitin mo ito upang magmahal nang tunay at dalisay; maraming isda sa lawa, maraming ibon sa himpapawid, buksan mo ang iyong mga mata, at higit sa lahat, buksan mo ang iyong puso — malay mo, ang iyong kapalaran ay nandiyan lang pagtapak mo sa labas ng iyong eskuwelahan.

Chumacharot magpakailanman,

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I never thought that the day would come that I would be the one writing to you. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your views on different dilemmas sent to you by your viewers. I need some sort of advice regarding my case. Just call me John, 22 years old, hurting and sad. My story just happened recently so everything is fresh from my memory. One day (to be exact February 13,2010), this guy (let’s just call him Renz, 29 years old) called me up. I knew where he got my number but I won’t mention it here anymore. He was a stranger. We talked for a very short time only because I was about to go somewhere. After our conversation, we exchanged a few text messages. When I got home, he called again. We talked for a very long time. I felt at ease talking to him. We exchanged infos about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our funny stories etc. It felt really good just talking to him. We joked about our boo-boos and all. He would sometimes say “I love you baby” in the middle of the conversation. At first, I just gave him a nervous laugh and told him “sira ka talaga”. I won’t deny the fact that I was really ‘kilig’ and I felt butterflies in my stomach. Before we ended our 3-hour conversation before midnight, I just caught myself saying I love him. I know I was such fool. Oo, nagpa-uto ako.
He called up again around 1am, Feb 14. We shared stories again, greeted each other happy valentines and said our I love yous a couple more times. Then he admitted he is currently in a relationship. He said he and his partner is going through some issues. He told me almost everything about himself, the relationships he had, how they all ended, pretty much everything! He said he sometimes feels lonely and I just cant help but make him feel better. I knew that I am beginning to fall for him. Napaka gullible ko talaga. I told him almost everything about me as well. I told him that not a single soul knows that I’m like this. He was the first one to know about who I really am. Before we went to sleep around 5:30am, the last thing we said was I love you. We didn’t hang up the phone. We slept with our headphones on. It was going on smoothly for a couple of days. We met up one time. He had errands to do for his partner and I accompanied him. Ang tanga ko talaga. Masochist much? He is really good looking. Everything I envisioned him to be, yun sya. When we were eating, he joked about sleeping on my lap. When we were waiting for a ride home he said “kiss mo muna ako” then on our way home, he whispered to me “asan na ang kiss ko?” Syempre I didn’t do it (pero gusto ko talaga). After that, we were still okay. After a couple of days though, he suddenly changed. We used to talk everynight, text each other constantly, he even calls me when he is at work. I think he felt guilty about what he is doing to his partner. Oo I shouldn’t have let it gone this far. What would I feel if I was the partner? Pero I was ‘inlove’ with him that I didn’t care what anyone feels. When things were starting to fall apart, I felt devastated. It was my first time to open myself to someone and it felt bad. He said he wants us to be friends. I know he does and I want it too. Kaso he became so dense and minsan ang NR nya. I know he’s doing that for me not to fall deeper. I just wanna talk to him not to work things out but just explain that being dense to me is doing no good. He told me once “makakahanap ka din ng para sayo”. Wow, define bullshit? I know that. Although I know he said that with the intention of making me feel better, it didn’t make me feel better. I just want him to acknowledge that at this point, Im in pain. He wants me to move on faster but that’s not something I can do in a snap, right? It’s not like I can just forget everything when I close my eyes. Opening up yourself to someone is like giving them the power to hurt you, and sometimes it’s not worth that risk. Ang sakit. Ang sakit pa rin. I can’t move on. Maybe because it was my first. And although I know it was my fault since nag fall ako kahit na alam kong he’s in a relationship, he is partly to blame dahil sinabi nyang mahal nya ako. Umasa ako Migs. Sino ba naman ang hindi, diba? I’m stuck in ground zero. Hindi ako maka move on. Remembering our previous conversations brings me to tears. Siguro sa tingin mo ang OA ko naman, but ang sakit talaga. Iba kasi talaga yung nafeel ko kanya. And alam kong may nafeel din sya for me. How do I recover from this experience? Salamat.
- John

My dear John,

You fell, and fell hard. It’s amazing how this story is repeated, cycled, and recycled by many people (not exclusively among people like us). But you know, however painful you are feeling right now, I see a glimmer of beauty in all these. I hope that you too, amidst all the darkness you are in right now, begin to see this little sparkle in the horizon. And I’m talking about this — your desire to be one with someone, to share yourself, your little secrets, your unopened life story. You are so full of good things, brimming, overflowing, that your soul so powerfully reaches out to another, celebrating, unifying, loving.

It happens that Renz, your object of affection, that other soul, have issues of his own. And as he struggles and feels his way through his own complex web of issues, your soul which is just eager to be with his, just cannot. This is the source of your pain. Your pain is not caused by the past, nor by Renz, nor by anything else. It is caused by your soul’s desire to reach out and find another to share and celebrate its goodness, its love. So, as you ask, “how do I recover from this experience,” my thoughts go to this source of your pain. How can you tend to your loving soul — that which only wants to share, to celebrate, to love, and to revel in joy? As I write this, as we together frame your situation this way, notice that it is more about using your soul’s energy in a different way. If before, you have Renz as the object of your soul’s energy, perhaps you can find other channels and objects — friends, family, pet, work, etc. — as your new object of love and affection? I would recommend though that one of the first things you’d consider is your own soul. Yes, your soul loving, aligning, affirming its own. This is the best opportunity to do that, now that you are hurting. The big question is: how?

Loving one’s self is not very easy because we’ve always been taught to be selfless, that being selfish is bad, etc. Now I tell you, no, now is the best time (it’s always the best time) to love yourself. Use your heart to feel what your soul is asking for. Notice how your emotions are guiding you to what your soul needs and wants. Avoid wallowing in the past (it can only make you feel more stuck and immobilized), and instead focus on your soul’s desire to joyfully, cheerfully give and share, to love; open your eyes and you will see that many others, not only Renz, can be the object of your soul’s fire. Only when you really tend to your soul can it be aligned to who you really are inside — and when that alignment happens, you will know, because you will experience joy, so unmistakable and so powerful that it cannot not radiate out to others. Try it. See how it changes things.

John, I wish you a break in the drama, and lots of energy to follow your bliss. I think of you at your best and happiest. World Peace!

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I can still feel, my Love, I can still feel. Those tears I just shed are proof that this heart of mine is still capable of loving. These past days I’ve been noticing how I was repeatedly telling myself that I’m exhausted. It’s as if every fiber of my beating heart is but a pulp of dry straw, and at any moment, will snap into powdery bits. Exhausted to the point of giving up on this quest for love.

Standing on the verge of hopelessness, that abyss not unfamiliar to a lot of people like us, I remind myself, Love, my Love, he’s still out there.

And suddenly, I thought, perhaps you, my Love, are exhausted too. Exhausted because for sure, for some time, you’ve also been looking for me. For sure, you are also getting impatient as the wait gets longer, and lonelier. Perhaps, you too, are standing on the same verge of hopelessness, worn out, contemplating on jumping over to that dark, damp abyss of jadedness.

No my Love, don’t. I am here. We just haven’t met yet. Or, maybe we have, but that we haven’t realized the Grand Destiny we’re meant to live, together, as life partners. But once we do, once you recognize it’s me, once I recognize it’s you, my Love, I shall lay your head on my lap. Tell you, before anything else, to rest and regain your strength. Recharge, and be at your very best. Because our journey together will be long, arduous, maybe even more exhausting, yet because I know we’re traveling together, it shall be, I promise to make it, well worth every little f*ckin’ waiting moment we spent looking for each other.

Original text from a previous post. Photo by Ian Felix Alquiros.

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Balik tayo sa puso kong maligalig. Nakakatuwa, kasi may naitatagong lakas pa pala ang pusong ito. May asim pa, ika nga. Kaya pa pala niyang kiligin, kaya pa pala niyang pasayahin ang sarili niya. Kaya pa rin kaya niyang magpasaya ng iba?

Pero, nakakaasar din ang pusong ito. Bakit? Dahil alam naman niyang desedido na ako. Ayoko ng magmahal. Oo, narinig ninyo yan. Ang plano ko, na sa 2010, okay na ako. Tapos na ako. I’ve gone deep, I’ve embraced love, I’ve dived in, all the way, over my head even, experienced it fully and completely. And so I say, “Alright now, I’m done, I’ve earned my right to detach from that thing called romantic love.” And, you know what? Saying that feels like being realistic. Pero, putcha. Ayan, pumasok na naman si puso. And everything crumbles back to the same old me.

Ang puso nga naman, nakakatawang nakakaasar.

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Listen: (16 min 16 sec)

Download this fabcast (right click and save – 15.6 MB)

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“Huy, Migs! Joseph! Ang sweet ninyo naman, magka-holding hands pa kayo.”

And there we were, both surprised, holding our breath and wondering how it all happened unconsciously– my right hand in his left, spaces between my fingers filled by his, interlocked.

Yes, all along, without even knowing it, there was intimacy between Joseph and me. The light touches here and there, on the arms, knees, and thighs, while catching up on each other, enjoying red wine at Cav. His hands over my shoulders, tapping, and his warm breath on my ears, whispering, as we watched the last Eraserheads concert in MOA. His gentlemanly gesture of walking me to my car as we ended one evening of dinner and drinks in Serendra. And most recently, when he picked me up at the JFK airport, on our way to his apartment, while catching up, I felt him so close, so connected, his face merely an inch away from mine, as the whole world dissolved in oblivion, as if nothing in the universe existed but Joseph and me.

Dave, a close friend, was able to observe Joseph and me in New York. He was one of those I mingled and toured with while in the Big Apple, so naturally he saw how Joseph and I interacted. I had a chance to talk to him about my situation with Joseph.

“Dave, what do you think of Joseph and I?”

“Migs, I can sense your deep connection with him, and him to you.”

And I wasn’t able to keep my thoughts from becoming spoken words:

“Dave, do you think Joseph is gay too?”

“Importante pa ba yun, Migs? Kung ano man iyang mayroon kayo, kung ano man yan — hindi ba ang sarap ng may ganyan?”

I was silent. But inside, I was feeling victorious. Dave was echoing what my heart was feeling, and couldn’t turn into words. I love Joseph, and I’m happy with what we now have — no more, no less.

Joseph shared with me that in a relationship he needed physical intimacy. I did not tell him but I know I need that too. In my mind then, I know we cannot be together. He’s in NYC, and I shuttle between Manila and California. If only the world were smaller. Yet I wished it was bigger too, so it has space for what Joseph and I have.

On the day I was leaving NYC, Joseph logged out earlier at his hospital. “Migs, ihahatid kita sa airport ha. Wait for me, I’ll be home by 4pm.”

Almost on the dot, he was there, as I was finishing up packing my bag.
“Sana, nag-extend ka dito,” said Joseph, which I answered with a smile. “Kuwentuhan pa tayo, kahit gabi-gabi. Kasi Migs, after all these years, andun pa rin. Hindi pa rin tayo nagbago. Ramdam ko pa rin.” To which I replied with a pathetic, “oo nga eh.” Bags packed, coats worn, we then walked out into the cold, busy NYC streets.

At the JFK airport, a christmas song was playing.

“O paano, next year ulit?” Joseph asked.

“Definitely!” I answered.

“November?”

“Maybe. Maybe even earlier.”

“Or I visit you in California.”

“Sure!”

Then, the abrazos. It was tight, bittersweet, and strong. I love Joseph, and I know he loved me too. This thing that we have is beautiful, and I appreciate it as it is.

I left NYC happy, with a resolve to just continue to appreciate what Joseph and I have. And for me to do so, I compartmentalize. I leave that chapter behind and continue my life, either in California or in Manila, without Joseph. I was feeling good about the resolve. It’s working for me.

Until I opened my inbox the day after I arrived back in California.

An email from Joseph. This will be harder than I thought.

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Good day!

I am writing to you para maliwanagan ako sa lahat ng nangyari sakin. My name is Yours (a loan word from my true name so basically not really my real name, just sounded like my nickname. Actually there is a unique spelling of that nickname but to protect my privacy i just loaned the word as well as the spelling), 20 from Cebu. To be honest, I am bothered right now kung sino ba talaga ako lalo pa’t parang nagkagusto na ako sa kapwa ko lalaki na ang pangalan ay Emman (not his true name).

Emman’s dad and my dad are bestfriends, actually para silang magkapatid. Christian pastor ang dad nya and he is from strict and conservative family in fact, his dad is the reason why my family became Born again Christians. Nagkakilala kami nung bata palang kami,and Emman is a shy type of person, di ako gaanong nakikipaghalubilo sa kanya noon kasi I feel awkward kasi if kakausapin mu xa kasi nga tahimik tsaka parang maarte ang dating. When I was in second year high school and he was on junior high, lumipat cla sa lugar namin, so malapit na yung bahay nila sa amin, nagpatayo kasi sila ng bahay sa lugar ng kanyang dad (ang dad nya at dad ko ay magkababata, so magkapitbahay sila ng dad ko at ang dad nya nuon). Mula nuon, I frequented on their house, duon ko nakilala ng lubos c Emman. kinakausap ko na xa tapos mabait pala xa pag kausap ko na, then palabiro din pala xa. Nung una, nakakailang talaga kasi nga tahimik lang xa pero he would put jokes everytime na may pag uusapan kami. Marami xang mga kwentong nakakatawa na hango sa kanyang mga everyday experience sa school. Masaya talaga xang kausap, pero minsan seryoso. Masaya ako pagkinausap nya ako kasi that indicates na gusto din nyang kausapin ako. For me, its just such an honor na kausapin nya ako…and thats so weird para sakin. As time goes by, nag graduate na xa ng high school tapos ako 4th year pa, dun talaga nagsimula ang lahat nung nasa college na xa, at high school naman ako. I just dont know sa feeling ko, and I wasnt sure about it coz hinahanap hanap ko na xa araw2x. Araw2x pumupunta ako sa bahay nila, minsan pa nga doon na ako matutulog kasi sometimes ginagabi xa sa school. One time na dun ako sa kwarto nya nakatulog, and then d ko namanlayan na dumating na pala xa. Then in the middle of the night nagising ako na nasa kama na xa at katabi ko na. tiningnan ko xa sa mukha, and at the back of my mind I asked myself “Am I in love with this guy?, bakit ba hinahanap-hanap ko ang mokong na to, bat ako naghihintay sa kanyang pagdating?”. Swear to God, its not about sex that I after, but there was just something that really bothered me a lot until to the point that I asked myself if im gay. This really made me so devastated because I cant accept the fact na bakla ako or may feminine side ako. I dont really know kung bakit at paano nangyari ang lahat. Nung nalaman ko straight from her sister na may GF na xa, I was really shocked and pretended na masaya ako para sa kanya but the truth is, i was hurt. I felt that there is a need for me to overcome on that thing. I could not deny it. It was a feeling I could not identify accurately. Whenever he laughed over a joke with other churchmates na mga girls, that emotion filled my senses. It took me a while before identified it. I was in love; the feeling was jealousy. I felt the need to express it. But, I was afraid…that he would dismiss my feeling, that we would be stuck in an embarrassing situation, that our long nurtured friendship would crumble…therefore, I kept quiet. Pero nasasaktan talaga ako pag may mga babaeng nagpaparamdam nag pagkagusto sa kanya. Di ko nakuha ang attention nya and d nya rin napansin ang mga paramdam ko. Nahihirapan ako, I even hated myself that time because there was just an urgency for me to tell it to him, but I dont want na he would ask me if gay ba ako. Until such time na nakadesisyon na akong sabihin sa kanya. Nung panahong yun ay d ko na xa masyadong makikita sa bahay nila kasi nursing student kasi xa noon then duty xa sa gabi then tulog pag umaga. So I decided to na sabihin na para malaman na din nya ito. And I sent him a message sa kanyang friendster account. Everytthing was explained at sinabi ko sa kanya na nasa state of identity crisis ako and that parang nagkagusto na ako sa kanya. I told him that its impossible na he would also treat me in the same way as I am at sinabi ko rin sa msg na sana he will stay like before after knowing all of those. Nagreply xa, and that was positive, but he never told me that he felt the same way as i am and I never expected that answer from him. Napaiyak talaga ako, as in a baby cry, hagulhol talaga sa loob ng kwarto ko dahil sa sinabi nya. He told me that he understands me and that he will stay as a friend like before. But he wanted me to overcome the feeling as that is really impossible na mangyari. He wanted me to ask for God’s help and he will pray for me to. I just dont know bakit gusto kung talikuran ang aking abnormal na feeling pero gusto ko pa rin xa, I mean I want to turn my back sa feminine side ko but I also want him at the same time. I was devastated, in fact, I hate the kind of life i have right now. I dont want to end up lying to everybody about my reall identity kasi so far c Emman lang ang nakakaalam, he assured me that he will keep that in strictest confidence. Mula noon, paranng napansin ko na parang may gap na namuo sa amin, parang maiilang na xa. Pero I tried to reinstate the friendship we had. D naglaon, parang nakalimutan na din nya ang lahat. Back to normal. But my feeling is still there, gusto ko parin xa I dont know para ano pa nga ba. Gusto ko kalimotan xa pero d ko kayang magawa. Para na kasing magkapatid turingan namin then parang na guilty ako sa sarili ko dahil dun, nahiya na rin sa ako sa Dyos. Sa tingin mu migz, ano nga ba ang effective na paraan para makalimotan at ma overcome ko xa?I know na d ako normal na lalaki, pero everytime na remember ko xa, I cant get over. Should I tell him na d pa ako naka getover sa kanya? Or is that necessary to say? Am I considered crazy? Am I acting so stupid and should I stop this madness? I cant just push through because Im stuck. Please advise. Nahirapan na din ako sa sarili ko kasi Im guilty din kasi I feel na Im so bad that I lied to everyone about my sexuality. Your reply is highly appreciated.

Thanks,
Yours.

Dear Yours,

I won’t ask you to even consider trying to rip out your feelings toward your friend. It is possible, yet difficult, and quite frankly, unnatural. I’d rather ask you to keep at it, pursue him if your heart tells you that’s what you want to do. In the background though, notice how you are — take some time in taking a third party look at the situation, observe yourself from a different point of view, notice what feelings surface as you see yourself do what you’re doing. Do you like what you see? What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? Your answers to these questions may help you answer your own questions about what to do about revealing your feelings to Emman, about how you want to move this forward.

Also, there is a word I have long been meditating on, that I want to share with you now. It is the word “detachment.” Some may feel a bit of negative vibe with this, but I tell you, detachment is a beautiful thing. Detachment for me doesn’t mean indifference. It means being able to be passionate about something and yet at the same time, having the ability to peacefully accept whatever it is that happens in the end. It’s about having the humility to accept that there are so many variables in the equation, and not everything can be achieved just by working hard on it, or by thinking that you are entitled to it because you are this and that. Life is full of these complex things. Being able to detach one’s self from the fruits of our labor, our pseudo-urgent wants, even from those we feel so much for, is an act of humility.

I wish you the gift of self-awareness, the gift of humility, and the gift of fortitude.

Migs

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Download this fabcast (right click and save)

Production credit: Joel McVie
Music credits:
“Crazy In Love” by Beyonce
“Why” by Annie Lennox
“Promises, Promises” by Naked Eyes
“Weekend In New England” by Barry Manilow
“Get Lost” by Patrick Wolf

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I can still feel, my Love, I can still feel. Those tears I just shed are proof that this heart of mine is still capable of loving. These past days I’ve been noticing how I was repeatedly telling myself that I’m exhausted. It’s as if every fiber of my beating heart is but a pulp of dry straw, and at any moment, will snap into powdery bits. Exhausted to the point of giving up on this quest for love.

Standing on the verge of hopelessness, that abyss not unfamiliar to a lot of people like us, I remind myself, Love, my Love, he’s still out there.

And suddenly, I thought, perhaps you, my Love, are exhausted too. Exhausted because for sure, for some time, you’ve also been looking for me. For sure, you are also getting impatient as the wait gets longer, and lonelier. Perhaps, you too, are standing on the same verge of hopelessness, worn out, contemplating on jumping over to that dark, damp abyss of jadedness.

No my Love, don’t. I am here. We just haven’t met yet. Or, maybe we have, but that we haven’t realized the Grand Destiny we’re meant to live, together, as life partners. But once we do, once you recognize it’s me, once I recognize it’s you, my Love, I shall lay your head on my lap. Tell you, before anything else, to rest and regain your strength. Recharge, and be at your very best. Because our journey together will be long, arduous, maybe even more exhausting, yet because I know we’re traveling together, it shall be, I promise to make it, well worth every little f*ckin’ waiting moment we spent looking for each other.

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