hi ron. friendship is a wonderful, wonderful thing. but if it really stands in the way of a beautiful family life, of honor, of dignity, of loyalty, i wouldn’t think twice smashing it into pieces. on the other hand, if you feel keeping that relationship with your 18-year-old will make you a better person, then go ahead, yet it is not an excuse to continue the deceit, the flimflam with your family. your family can, in the long run, be better off without a philandering father. in short, a choice has to be made here.

a lot of times we use the excuse of confusion when we do not want to make a decision. you know what to do, even if you’re confused. it’s a matter of making a decision, and being the honorable person (that you can still be) to stand by it. i pray for your fortitude. be well.

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Been reading your blog so i know im bi (married with 2 kids) – i enjoyed being with both sexes and i don’t have any problem getting one when i was younger. But since i got married, it’s more of loyalty and promise NOT to cheat on anyone.

I work in a hotel sales department and got a new assistant last month (hired and interviewed by HR). On the day he was introduced to me, we got good vibes for each other and we were so comfortable with each other right then. For the next few days and weeks, we tell each other our life stories, we went out for a picnic with my family and him with his gf (of 5 years).

Since he is 10 years my junior (I’m 31, he’s 21), i treat him like a brother – i am his mentor and confidante. But here is the dilemma – just like your latest posts here about bromance and “straight guys can’t keep off….“; we are so close and comfortable that we play around the office and off-work (sports or night-out). Sometimes if i’m on the phone or on the computer or while me driving; he would come up and tickle me, touch my thighs, my shoulders (pressing it like massage), hug me or anything contact. he is also thoughtful and sweet; he brings me chocolate sometimes and bought me a shirt after he went out for a 2-day out-of-town business trip. As for me, i try to be discreet and not show him the same way coz i know it would hurt me, or my family in the future.

But yesterday was a different story – we were out for lunch (haven’t seen him for one week – i was on vacation) and he asked me if I missed him, I then asked him if he misses me – then he said yes. We were laughing at my vacation stories and playing around the food when until he said “I love you bro!” – i was a bit surprised and i looked at him, he was serious and i told him “don’t worry, i love you too”.

So what should my next move be? ask him if he’s gay? How will i do it? Whats the best way to know if a person is bi or gay? Should i return the favor – show the same feelings he is showing me? I don’t mind if we go to bed too, he is hot and good looking (btw, he is caucasian, im halfer Fil-Can) so maybe tell me how i can seduce him.

But I dont wanna ruin our friendship if i made a wrong move.

Thanks so much!
Married Man

Hello Married Man,

I admire you for your loyalty and your commitment not to cheat on anyone. I see so much lack of integrity in this world that when I hear someone declare their loyalty and integrity, I feel so refreshed and inspired.

Your letter is riddled with red flags, but still I focus on what you say early on in your letter: “loyalty and promise NOT to cheat on anyone.” I recognize that this is my set of values latching on, resonating with yours. So take the following as it is — my desire for a world whose people are true to themselves, and are true to their promise as well.

You asked what your next move should be. Allow me then to offer my thoughts, and while this may not be agreeable to all, they are my truth, my lush, pulsating, up-to-the-minute truth:

1. Don’t shit where you eat.
2. He is your assistant.
3. You have chosen to be a loyal married man, blessed with 2 kids.

Connect the dots and you know what I’d say your next move should be. You yourself treasure the friendship. I would hold on to this. Friendship is such a beautiful thing. Not all our guy relationships should end up in bed. We are very sexual beings but we should not allow this fact to define every aspect of who we are. There are other beautiful things in life such as loyalty, integrity, family, and yes, even platonic friendships.

I know what I’m recommending is a difficult track. I wish you strength.

Migs

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Dumating na time ko to tell you about myself. I am happily married with one kid. I’ve been working abroad for more than 15 yrs na. Since pagkabata, I know myself na may pagka-berde ang dugo ko, pero since then I’ve kept it to myself, the other side of me. I have a very loving and understanding wife, ika nga, what more can I ask for?

Before I got married and even while married, I had relationships with the opposite and the same sex. Ganun siguro pag malayo kayo sa isa’t isa ng asawa mo. My wife kasi is also working outside the country, nasa US siya. Ako naman, nag-Saudi for 4 years, then went to Dubai where I worked for 10 years. Year 2005 when i went home to Pinas and decided na di na bumalik ng Dubai.

Noong nasa Pilipinas na ako, okay ang lahat kahit wala ang asawa ko (nasa US nga siya). Dahil doon, natuto ako na makipagtext with the same sex, and makipag-meet and, the usual, have sex. Going to massage parlors, gay bars and Fahrenheit ang naging hobby ko.

Early last year, I came to the point na gusto ko nang magpakamatay sa sobrang guilt ko dahil sa kasalanan ko kay God and to my wife. Parang di ko na kaya. Pero God was still there to help me. May of last year I got an email from a friend in Africa asking me if I want to work again pero sa Africa nga. Sabi ko sige para new environment and para matigil sa mga ginagawa kong mali dyan sa Pinas. Sa ngayon, nandito ako, solo sa Africa at nagta-trabaho. Pero honestly hinahanap-hanap ko ang mga boys dyan sa atin.

Till next time. World Peace!

Your Pre,
JAKE

When someone approaches you, a gay man, married with a wife and perhaps a kid or two, saying he feels guilty yet he clearly has a penchant for men, what do you do? What do you tell him?

Do you tell him: stop your philandering and be straight with your wife! That he should deny his real self coming out because he has committed himself to a woman?

Do you tell him: it’s okay, be yourself.That he has to prioritize who he really is, and that his marriage to a woman was in the first place a mistake he made out of foolish thoughts and assumptions?

Do you tell him: you’re a fuckin’ mess, you son of a bitch! This to a man who has enough self-hatred as to even consider suicide?

Do you tell him: hate the sin, not the sinner. This to someone who may not even be able to distinguish between the two? Because much as he tried for years to pluck out the sin from the sinner, even marrying a girl in the hopes that his being gay may just magically fade away, the sinner is still left sinful and, the sin not a tad faded but as clear, even more, as it has ever been before?

Tell me, dear friends in this blog, how do we deal with gay married men?

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Hi Migs,

I’m jay vee, 25, and a reader of your blog for about a week now. Migs, Thank you!! malaki kasi ang tulong and advice na naibibgay mo sakin just by reading your blog. I just wanna share my problem and hingi na rin sana ng advice mo, i’m straight (yata!?!) and ikakasal na ako sa march. Ang problema migs may mahal pa akong iba, Si Tom barkada, best friend at boy friend ko.

ito ang kwento ko, Si tom at ako ay nabibilang sa isang barkada na puro straight na lalake ayon sa normal na takbo ng mundo sa mga mangmang na tao. Siyam kami mag babarka na puro lalake isa akong probinsyano na nag kolehiyo sa manila sa isang paaralan sa Intramuros. 2 konyo (erin at tom), 1 skolar (inyong), anak ng gov’t employee (adam) at 2 probinsyano (ako at si jeff) ang barkada namin.

alam ko mula pagkabata lalake ako, at hindi ako bakla madami ang nag bago mula ng tumira ako dito sa manila, marami akong sekretong malupit na hindi pwede malaman ng mundong kinabubuhayan ko, sapagkat pag nangyari yon katapusan ko na, mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay.

napagdaanan ko kong paano manggamit ng bakla, ang pakikipaglaro sa kanila para lang ibigay kong ano ang gusto mo dahil sa mga brkada ko noong high school na mga eksperto dito.. (wala nangyayaring sekswal ah) ang naka tanim sa utak ko mula pag kabata hindi maganda ang buhay bakla! tatanda ka mag isa at gagamitin ka lang, na alala ko may nag tanong kay daddy “paano kong lumaking bakla ang mga anak mong lalake?” sagot ng tatay ko “itatapon ko sa dagat!” hala!! wag ka magalit sa tatay ko mabait na tao yun at marami nag mamahal dun lahat na uri ng tao, ayaw lang nya siguro talaga mag ka anak ng bakla.

sa ngayon asar ako sa mga taong galit sa bakla at nanggagamit ng bakla, asar din ako sa baklang galit sa lalakeng nasa kahon!! naniniwala kc ako na kailangan mo palang kilalanin muna ang tao bago mo husgahan kong bakit ganun sya. ang pag huhusga at pag kakalat na bakla ang isang lalake na nasa kahon pa ay hindi nakakatulong kundi lalong nag papa liit ng pag katao nya.

balik tayo sa kwento ng problema ko, graduating na kami noon anim na lng kami natira sa barkada si adam kc pumasok sa PMA, at si Erin nag migrate sa america (pag katapos ng relasyon namin) . lahat kami may gf noon masaya ang tropa, at before graduation naisipan naming mag bakasyon sa nasugbu kasama ang mga gf namin… 3 days and 2 nights yon.. sa aming barkada wala pag hihinalaang bakla sa amin kc lalakeng lalake talaga kami lahat.

sa nasugbu…
around 1:30am siguro lasing na lahat… antok na rin si gf ko so pinatulog ko na sya… ewan ba pero gusto ko pa uminom so “inom pa tayo, bitin ako!!”, “tara samahan kita!” -tom, so ayon balik inuman kami nang maging seryoso usapan. napag usapan namin si ?Erin ang barkada kong pinaka ka close ko,
tom: “pare, tanong lang wag ka magagalit?” sabi nya
jay vee: “shoot”.
tom: “pare, naging kayo ba ni erin?”
jay vee: “GAGO!! ano problema mo!” napa mura tuloy ako..
tom: “pare kc, bago umalis si erin nag inom kami lasing yata ang gago, mahal na mahal ka raw nya at hindi nya kaya na wala ka, umiiyak nga na parang babae.” -
ano isasagot ko… eh di tumawa na lang ako… sabi ko matulog na tayo puro kalokohan na nasa isip mo… bago ako pumasok sa kwarto ko tinawag nya ako at bigla ba naman ako hinalikan eh tag libog ako migs, so sige nangyari ang hindi dapat mangyari..

ewan ko migs, pag balik namin ng manila kami na yata. talo pa nya ang lahat ng naka relasyon ko babae at lalake kong mag mahal, ramdam ko mas mahal nya ako kaysa sa gf nya, pero alam nya at alam ko na mas mahal ko gf ko kaysa sa kanya…

25 na ko, gusto ko na mag ka pamilya, mag ka anak na legal, at tahimik na buhay.. umuwi ng Pinas yung tatlo kong kapatid para sa bday ko lumuwas din ng manila sila mommy at daddy, lahat sila kinukulit ako na kailan daw ba ako ikakasal baka daw mawala pa si GF, napamahal na kc si GF sa kanila, wala naman kc akong masabing masama kay GF nasa kanya na lahat maganda, matalino, mayaman, masipag, mabait at syempre mahal na mahal ako!! lahat ng M yan ah.. sabi ok ok soon!!

sa madaling salita inaya ko na nga ng kasal si GF. mula noon biglang lumayo sakin si Tom, gusto ko sya kausapin pero umiiwas talaga sa akin migs, ang sakit kc mahal na mahal ko pala yong tao at parang hindi ako kompleto pag wala sya sa buhay ko. B-day ng gf ni Tom chance ko na para kausapin si Tom tatlong oras na kami mag kakasama pero hindi pa kami nag kakausap ng seryoso kc andun lagi kami sa gitna ng barkada. nauubusan ng beer so kailangan ni tom bumili doon ako nakakuha ng pag kakataon na kausapin sya sumama ako sa kanya, tahimik lang sya at hindi ako kinakausap kahit anong tanong ko… pauwi na kami non habang nag nag mamaneho si Tom sabi ko..

Jay vee: “putang ina mo TOM! mag uusap ba tayo o hindi!!! Mahal Kita!!”
(pucha migs, biglang umiyak si Tom, ahhhh naiiyak tuloy ako…) ito yong exact words na sinabi nya sa akin ah,
Tom: “Putang Ina mo rin! hindi ka marunong magmahal at hindi mo alam ang ibig sabihin ng salitang mahal!”
hindi ko alam kong ano isasagot ko migs, tumahimik na lang ako hahayaan ko sya sabihin lahat na sumbat na gusto nya sabihin sakin pero hindi na rin sya umimik migs, pero ramdam ko ang galit nya.. hanggang sa makarating walang imikan, after 30mins umuwi na kami ni GF bago ako umalis kinamayan ko si TOM “pare ingat ka! be good!” yun lang at ok lang sagot nya..

1 week na kami di nag uusap at nag kikita ni Tom, busy raw sya sa work at ako ay busy dito sa province.. Best Man nga pala si Tom sa kasal ko..’
Migs, parang hindi ko kaya ikasal ng nandon si Tom, hindi ko kayang makitang nasasaktan si Tom, hanngang ngayon mahal ko pa yata ang GAGO!
ano gagawin ko?? Iniisip ko lng hindi ba talaga pwede sabay mag mahal ng babae at lalake? Kailangan ko ba talaga pumili kay GF at tom? kung sakaling pumayag si Tom na pareho sila sa buhay ko, makasarili ba ako? nagmahal lang ako.

1.) Tapos na ako sa buhay kumplekado, ikakasal na ako sa babaeng mahal ko at mahal ako, pero mahal ko din si Tom ayaw ko may mawala sa kanila.
2.) Paano kong pag dating ng panahon ay malaman ng GF ko ang relasyon namin ni Tom, kakayanin ko ba sya harapin?
3.) Trip lang sa akin ang pakikipag relasyon sa lalake, Mahal ko ba talaga si TOM?
4.) bakla ba ako? never ako na tsismis at napabalita na bakla, bakit ako nag mamahal ng isang lalake?
5.) bakit pag iniisip ko kong sino kasama ko pag tanda papalit palit ang mukha ni Gf at tom..
6.) marami pa Migs.. sasabog na yata utak ko…

jay vee

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I’ve been reading your blog for almost three years and im so happy dahil maraming humihingi ng advice syo. Anyway just call me Macky, I just wanna share my story or should I say a problem. I’m a straight acting bi, walang nakakaalam kung ano ang tunay na feelings ko. Very discreet sabi nga nila. Nagwowork ako sa isang amusement company as operations manager for almost a decade, then minsan naaassign ako sa malayong lugar. Right now 6 months na ako sa Mindanao.

Nung pagdating ko dito, ipinakilala agad sa akin ng boss ko ang magiging assistant ko. Let’s just call him Dave. 28 years old , from Davao, married with 1 child. Siguro sa itsura nya masasabi ko na malakas ang dating nya sa mga girls at gay, kumbaga sa unang tingin mo pa lang may mararamdaman kang pitik sa katawan mo. Isang bahay lang ang inuuwian namin ni Dave at iisang kwarto din ang tinutulugan namin dahil company provided naman yun. By the way nasa abroad ang wife ni dave, ang baby naman nya ay nsa mga in-laws nya.

First few weeks pa lang kami magkasama sa work, nakapag-established agad kami ng good relationship, lagi nya akong niyayaya sa gimikan. Alam nya kasi na mahilig ako sa disco at inuman, minsan pinapasyal nya ako sa ibat ibang lugar.

Sa araw araw na magkasama kami sa work at bahay nakakadama ako ng kasiyahan na hindi ko pa naranasan sa buong buhay ko. Mararamdaman mo sa kanya ang mga pag-aalala pag nawawala ako sa paningin nya, tatawagan agad ako sa celphone at pupuntahan ako kung san man ako naroroon. Pag nararamdaman nya na naho-home sick ako tatanungin nya ako kung ano ang gusto ko para lang mapasaya ako. Pag pressured ako sa trabaho lagi sya naka-alalay sa lahat ng kelangan ko. Busog na busog ako sa sa time and effort na binibigay nya sa akin. Kung iisipin nga ng malisyosong tao, iisipin nila na may relasyon kami ni Dave.

Kala ko nun wala na katapusan ang lahat until one day niyaya nya akong gumimik, pumunta kami nun sa beerhouse. Since na discreet ako, nagkunwari ako na gusto ko talaga pumunta sa lugar na yun. Nagtable kami pareho ng babae, dahil sinabi nya na type daw nya yung isa. so sabi ko ok lang naman. Natapos ang gabi na yun na pareho kaming nalasing, hindi ko na alam kung paano ako nakauwi nun. Nagising na lang ako na magkayakap kami ni dave, bigla akong natauhan nun. nawala ang pagkalasing ko dahil naisip ko kaagad ang trabaho namin. Masama ang loob ko nun dahil parang may barrier na pumipigil sa akin para masabi ko or magawa ko ang gusto ko sa kanya, nararamdaman ko na alam nya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Nahulog ako sa kanya Migs, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

One time around 11pm na ng gabi, lumabas siya ng bahay. Hindi nagpaalam sa akin kung san siya pupunta, I was so worried at hindi ako makatulog. Inabot ako ng umaga sa kahihintay sa kanya. Dumating cya ng office on time at tinanong ko sa kanya kung san sya galing kagabi, hindi ako nagpahalata na galit ako at masama ang loob ko sa kanya. Sinabi nya na pinuntahan nya yung Girl na naka-table nya nung gumimik kami nung nakaraan, kinuwento nya sa akin ng walang pag-aalinlangan kung ano ang ginawa nila at kung ilang ulit nila ginawa ang mga bagay na yun. Tatawa tawa lang ako habang nakikinig sa kanya, pero hindi nya alam na parang sinasaksak ako ng matinding selos. Ilang gabi na hindi na sya natutulog sa inuuwian namin, habang ilang gabi na din na hirap na hirap ang kalooban ko sa tuwing hindi sa uuwi at magigising ako na wala sya sa higaan nya. Minsan sa sobrang sama ng loob ko uminom ako mag-isa, nilunod ko ang sarili ko sa alak sa kagustuhan ko lang na makalimutan ang sama ng loob ko sa kanya. Pagdating ko sa bahay ng hatinggabi hinihintay nya pala ako sa labas. Tinanong nya ako kung san ako nanggaling sabi ko sabi ko may nagyaya lang sa akin habang nakangiti, hindi ko namamalayan na tumutulo na pala ang luha ko. Kahit anong pigil at iwas ang gawin ko patuloy ang pag-agos ng luha ko, tinanong nya ako kung may problema ako sumagot lang ako ng wala.

Siguro sa sobrang awa nya sa akin noon ay niyakap nya ako at sinabi nya sa akin kung ano ang problema ko ay handa naman siyang tumulong, kung ano man daw ang kelangan ko ay handa nya ibigay. Hanggang sa nakatulog ako sa kalasingan na nasa tabi ko sya habang nakayap sa akin. Hirap na hirap ako Migs, para siyang isang masarap na ulam na hindi pwede kainin or isang mansanas na hindi pwede pitasin.

Marami akong gustong sabihin sa kanya pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto ko sabihin na mahal ko siya pero pinipigil ako ng takot na baka hindi maging maganda ang resulta at baka masira ang relasyon namin sa trabaho. Mahal ko ang trabaho ko at hindi ko ito kayang isakripisyo pero mahal ko din si Dave at wala akong pwedeng gawin kundi umasa isang araw na maayos din ang lahat. Sa ngayon pinipilit ko na maging pormal at propesyonal sa harap ni Dave pero ang tanong ko sa sarili ko kung hanggang saan ba ang itatagal ko..

Thanks to you migs and more power!! God bless!!

Macky

Hello Macky,

Three things I want you to consider:

1. “Don’t shit where you eat.”
2. He’s your subordinate — don’t even dare think about it.
3. Open your eyes to the wide, wild world of bi/gay men. Andami, dami, dami mong choices.

Best of luck!

Migs

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I’d like to share my own experience, though too long for the viewers’ eyes. This is something unbelievable and could make for a good script for a movie that it could even rival the story of the Brokeback Mountain. Just to find release, I’d like to see it posted in no less than Migs’ site, so that others may be enlightened or inspired, or of whatever purpose it could serve to the readers. More importantly, my story opposes that of the twink-hungry and abusive PLU (gay) teachers’ usual portrayal by the media. Let me do it by way of using Southborder’s famous songs and the songs I’d love to listen to.

For reasons I still don’t know up to this moment, after graduation and passing my licensure exam, a former professor invited me to consider teaching in the University. I felt surprised and flattered just the same. Initially, I turned him down. My profession has nothing to do with serious teaching. Working abroad has always been the sole option for us graduates of this course. Then after some serious considerations, even with my parents’ utmost opposition to what I have decided on, I told myself why not give it a try. After all, I knew I have what it takes to be a teacher.

Before the opening of the class, I primed myself and readied for the job ahead. While I fret the thought of being in front of students and try to look a master on the subjects I was to teach them, it made me excited that at long last, I would have the say at how students should be best trained to become good professionals. Being an idealistic that I am/was, I have set a standard for myself: I’ll just simply teach. No more, no less.. I have promised to myself I wouldn’t get too personal with students.

RAINBOW

Off to my scheduled classes I went. My first few days teaching were mostly consumed at trying to give an air of what a terror teacher is. I bombarded the students with quizzes, journal readings, recitations and the likes. I was getting successful at it. They could not reconcile the thought that a teacher who comes to classes in Chuck Taylor’s and was always in good looking appearance was at his strict-as-he-could-get mode. Sometimes, when I remember this moment, I laugh at myself trying hard to appear strict. No student would dare approach me and establish rapport with. (for a more colorful depiction of my life as a young teacher, visit this blog that I created: www.angtitchera.blogspot.com)

Until somebody dared to. He was the block’s leader. And one of the better-looking students in my classes. I have often contacted him thru sms and gave him instructions on what his block should do every meeting with me. He was my college crush, I have to admit. I have good recall as to how I tried to make a girl friend ask him his number in the guise of some student council interest when I was a college senior then. But I never texted him. So it was a shock seeing him attending my class, and leading his blockmates.

I was thrilled by the thought of exchanging sms while appearing professional in dealing with him. During college, I have had girlfriends. I haven’t outed myself to close friends. Until my BFF outed himself to me and persuaded me to do the same. And I did. Going back to him texting me, we initially exchanged sms dealing with class issues only. We would often ask me about the block’s next meeting assignment and activities. Or I would do the same to him; instruct him to do something for the block.

IKAW NGA

Then I wasn’t able to contain myself. For reasons of convenience, I transferred to a nearby dormitory, just some steps away from the University. I was always left alone by dormmates who were college bestfriends.. During the nights, I would often feel I was by my lonesome. So, to cut the story short, I would make papansin with mr. class leader by sending him wrong-sent sms. And he would respond to it gamely. Until we became textmates.

Weeks passed, we found ourselves talking over the phone. That night was the beginning of it all. He was the first to admit to have a crush on me. I almost jumped out of the couch after hearing it. Of course, being the teacher that I was I never admitted to him that he was my crush ever since college. Questions like doubting his intention for telling me about it came to my mind. What if he was just trying to play it with me? But the night we talked was more of a night of revelation. I was able to know all about him, even his age. I was shocked at knowing he was older than me. It was the best telephone conversation I’ve ever had. And from that night, I knew I found my match, after some long years of looking for it.

We managed to be as-usual while inside the classroom, as if we never talked personally and exchanged intimate details about ourselves over the phone. It made me happy. And I never even bothered of feeling flattered by female students flirting with me, obviously or un-obviously.

Two days before my birthday, he texted me: “Sir, happy birthday! Mwah!” and I naughtily replied with: “Kiss lang?!” It was silence after. Then, a reply came: “Where is your dorm? I’d like to drop by”. Oh boy, I almost fainted at the thought of him visiting over.

HABANG ATIN ANG GABI

Then it came. I opened my dorm’s door for him. He was with some of the best foods he could bring, knowing that he cooks very well. It was as if we’ve known each other for so long already. He even brought picture albums that he’d like to share with me. We talked and laughed at our stories until 3 in the morning. Of course, we have to go to sleep. Or so I think.

While Southborder’s Habang Atin Ang Gabi was playing in my desktop PC, we shared the night. It was my first, while it wasn’t his, and he was really good at it. The background music was fitting with the moment we were sharing. Yes, it was bloody for me. But I didn’t care. After it, we exchanged I love you’s. It was my first time to have ever smiled before retiring for a sleep.

We became an item. We managed to think of ways of making our relationship discreet. Only bestfriends should know, was our first rule. We would only date kilometers away from the University, unless we want to be caught by other students who were more than willing to probe what the snub-looking teacher is doing with a student.

Inside the classroom, we were the usual teacher-student set-up. Except for two chosen classmates, nobody knew what we had. Every day, I was always in bliss. I looked better, as students noticed. It was then that more admirers came to me, mostly of course female students. Some were just admirers, while others came to a point of obsession. But I never cared. I had what I considered then the best lovelife I could give myself with..

WHEREVER YOU ARE

Then I started to loosen up inside the class, and was starting to smile more, courtesy of him. Students who were die-hard fans would invite me often for a date. I did it with some of the female students, just for the spirit of goodness. But, take note, he would drive me and bring me to these dates. While dating, he would pass by and inspect the girl. He would then text me: “Chaka naman nyan, tapusin mo na agad yan. Haha!” Then I would smile.

Being a first-timer, I was always emotional. I was always intimidated by the stories he told me about his exes. It wasn’t blissful always I was trying to believe. I became vulnerable to temptation too. A day after a very heated argument over one big deal of an issue, I gave in to a tempting invitation by a college friend.. He was a college crush also. He knew it too that I have just outed myself.. I gave in. Then guilt found its way on me. I admitted it to him. He was furious. He even threatened to embarrass me inside the classroom. I panicked. For days, we would often exchange fingers pointing the blame at each one.

Still, we managed to reconcile. He still accepted me. His love for me did it. I was thankful. Where on earth could I find someone like him? I was really, really guilty. How could I do it to him? Yet, because of what I have done, every time we would have some arguments, I was always reminded of the day I diverted from our paths. I had it from him for almost more than a year. It pained me. But then I have to take the consequences of my action. And I knew it then karma will find its way on me.

ONE AGAIN

And it did. The days came when I found him treating me coldly. I wasn’t suspicious at first. Until a friend who was just more than concern told me all about why to my surprise he wanted to leave me. It was because of a schoolmate, younger than both of us. And of course, looked better than us. I confronted him about it. He was in denial. He just told me he wanted some relief from me. Until finally after some crying and begging from me, he admitted it. I slapped him in the face. Real hard. I knew he was hurt, but I was more than hurt.

It was so painful that I almost saw death coming my way.. My BFF came to the rescue. He would accompany me wherever I wanted to go, and listened to my musings about my life with him. My boyfriend was my student, and I was replaced by a student. I begged him to comeback, almost looking desperate at my attempts to do it. But my pleadings went to deaf ears.

I almost cried in the campus seeing them being together. I felt it unfair. While we were together, we just couldn’t be seen stroll the University by our lonesome. I told myself I have to move on. But it was hard to do so.

KAHIT KAILAN

As I was trying to feel ok, to move on from the experience with a student, he then realized he loves me more than his new one. He was trying to beg for me to reconsider. For the love of him, I did consider a second chance for us.

My parents, who are devout Christians, had an inkling of what/where I was putting myself into. I was more than once confronted about it. Each time they did it, I denied it ’til no end. They wouldn’t believe me. I left our house, with great conviction that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just being myself. My love for him did it.

At the University, students started to notice my unusual closeness with him. I have never attended birthdays of students, except of him and his close friends. So to speak, it ignited suspicions among students. In fairness with me, I have never played favorite, of him and his bestfriends in the class. Grades were grades, so as scores. But his intellect often surpassed my expectations of him.

For two years we were together, secretly dating, hiding from the suspicions from not only by the students but college officials as well. It was a roller coaster ride, but it was well worth it. His close family members knew about us and wouldn’t care a bit. It made me happy, and he never complained about me hiding him from my family. I thought it would last a lifetime.

DI KA PALA DAPAT

His vulnerability once again attacked him. While he was at a student convention, he met another student that would make him feel special, one thing I just ignored at doing because I was busy being a professor and attending to my Master’s class. I knew what was happening. And it need not come from him. When I sensed something was terribly going wrong, I broke up with him.

I knew I made a good choice. I was enjoying my professorial job, on my way to finishing one of the hardest Master’s degrees in the University, and enjoying financial stability from part-time works on the side. I told myself it’s about time to move on from this experience: student love.

I was successful at it. I felt left alone again. But then I was able to rise up, thanks in part to my select BFFs who rescued me when I was feeling thrashed. I knew something bigger was on the offing. I knew I could make it: him leaving me on a highway journey and left me looking for somebody to pick me up in that highway. I thought it wouldn’t happen.

And it did. I was glad it did.

ALL MY LIFE

To my surprise, the first person to rescue me was another student. She made me feel ok again. Yes, she’s a she. She’s someone every guy in the university would dream of having. She’s one of the finest ladies in the university, a girl you’d be proud at bringing home and introduce to your parents. And your parents will be happy for you. She’s of that type.

But I never looked at her that way. She was a student for two years, second and third year. From the start, she has always made it apparent of her feelings for me. She didn’t care at admitting to close friends that I was her ultimate crush. One thing I couldn’t believe. Guys are drooling for her. Varsity players would always ask her for a date and even guys from outside the university as well.

She turned them down. For her, I was the end-all-be-all of a guy she would love to love. While I was deeply even love with my former boyfriend, she would always bring me gifts from her travel abroad and even invited me more than once for a friendly date. But, outside of her knowledge, I was in a relationship with her classmate, her block leader. Yes, they were classmates. And good friends at that.

She would often tell to my former boyfriend her feelings for me and how much she looks forward that I’d get to be single and ready for a relationship with her. My former boyfriend would just smile at her. In his mind, he would say “He’s mine. Go dream girl.”

One time, I went on a date with her. Of course my former boyfriend knew about it. While we were conversing, me asking her some corny stuff about studies, I noticed she was busy texting. Then, I found out, she was texting my boyfriend. She told him how happy she was for having to date me. Then I told her we couldn’t be what she expected us to be, that I already loved someone. She was hurt, she told my bf. I was just honest. I couldn’t be in a hetero relationship, I told myself. And I am deeply in-love with my former boyfriend.

Fast track after a year, my former boyfriend and I had a huge fight, and a dirty one at that. It was in one of the classrooms in the University that we exchanged dirty tirades. We thought we closed the door. Then, when it was getting messy, somebody knocked. It was her waiting for me. She heard it all. I walked out.

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

Months passed, I was already convinced I had to let go of my relationship with him. All throughout my agony over a love lost, she comforted me. She never left my side during my crying moments. In one of those moments, I blurted out: “Sa babae na lang kaya. Try ko lang.” Then we laughed.

It was the start of being together for almost every day. She would wait for my classes to finish every time I was teaching in the University. We exchanged text messages and called each other on the phone every night. In one of those conversations, I asked her why she had rejected the guys crooning her. She narrated how bad her last relationship was. I told her if we’d always spend the days together, the guys courting her would think we’re an item.

I thought she just loved my company, her knowing my sexual preference. But, one day, she told me, she was falling in love with me. As in serious love. I told her I don’t deserve her. She’s clean. And neither does she deserves me, she belongs to the guys falling seriously for her.

GOT TO BELIEVE

Then one night, we became intimate. At the end of it, we exchanged I love yous. She wasn’t hard to love and like. She’s beautiful. She’s one of the best students in the University.

Of course, what we had had to be discreet too. The University maintains its stand against teacher to student intimate relationship. Only her bestfriends and mine knew what was going on between the two of us. My BFF was skeptic, and even humorous. He never expected I’d enter into such a relationship. My only justification was: she knows it all. And she doesn’t care a bit.

Without my knowledge, she was secretly contacting my sisters and my mom. Initially, I wanted to make it secret even to my family. I didn’t want them to think that I was just using her to cover up from their suspicion about my sexuality. But, to my surprise, she had more than once visited our house without my knowledge.. She’s too loving that even my family loved her like she’d be a wife to me.

We went on with what we believed a love that knows no condition, and doesn’t judge. I was myself with her, I never have to pretend.. She was ok with it, and never complained.

SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME

It was a challenge for us to make it a secret to the University. But we faced more challenges than we expected. First, it has to be a secret to my former boyfriend, them being good friends and for fear of retaliation against us. Second, her friends were furious and skeptic about what we had. And third, it was myself that became a problem. I have more than once opted to walk out of her. I just felt like she deserves more, and that more is not me.

It was really a struggle for me to remain faithful to her. I was longing for the kind of intimacy I had with my ex. I was longing sex with another of my being. It was hard. And really tempting. That the more I reject the idea of it, the more it gets to my system. In some moments, I gave in and guilt would always find its way on me.

We were together for two years. I always hated the feeling that while she was loving me with all hearts, I was secretly texting my ex, and flirting with other guys. It was hard. My former boyfriend found out about us. He ridiculed me. Saying I was out of mind for having an affair with her.

LOVE WILL LEAD YOU BACK

Until I decided to end it all. She was hurtful. She was waiting for the time we’ll get married. I was hoping for it too. But I couldn’t stand disrespecting her secretly. I just knew I’m not cut for it. It had to be somebody. I told her she’s young, urban, rich, and beautiful she can find someone of the same type. I cried saying it too. I love her. Sincerely, believe me. It’s just that I’m not for it.

Now, I’m single again. But I’m anticipating karma would find its way on me. I have hurt her beyond her knowledge. I still nurture the guilt until this moment.

But I am optimistic. That in spite of what I have experienced in my four years of teaching, of having a boyfriend for two years and deviating to having a girlfriend for two years, I knew I had the most colorful life a teacher could have. I don’t regret any of the things that happened to me.

I am still waiting for the right time to come for me to settle and be happy. I know it will.

- Red

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Hi Migs,

Alam ko dami mo letter-sender na inspiring ang mga messages nila. Hindi ko alam kung medyo kakaiba ito but this is real at gusto ko ishare sa mga readers mo.

I’m 29 years old, very happily married but no child yet by choice and straight-acting. Hindi ko itatanggi na I have been practicing this orientation for almost 5 years and so far so good.. At alam mo naman siguro pag mga straight-acting, mas active ang sex-life kesa sa mga open or so I think. Naranasan ko na halos lahat ng klase ng gay-sex. 3some, orgies, seb, name it. Malamang sa hindi, nagawa ko na. Kaya masasabi ko na bato na ang puso ko sa emosyon. Hindi na ako madaling maattach emotionally sa mga kasex ko. Until recently.

I met a guy 6 years my junior. Nakasalubong ko sa mall, nagkatinginan kami, paglampas ko nilingon ko uli at gaya ko, siya din nakatingin pa sa akin. Ngumiti siya, tumango ako. Pero hindi kami puwedeng mag-usap, me mga kasama ako kaibigan na mga straight. Pero gaya nga ng tagline ng isang banko at ikoquote ko na “we find ways”, nagkita kami uli, same mall at nagmotel kami somewhere in Pasig. Di ko alam pero binigay ko yung number ko sa kanya. I usually don’t.

Naulit ang pagkikita namin at pagsisex. My intention was just to have sex with him. The guy is hot, guwapo, med-built and funny at magaling sa sex. He wanted to bottom me pero sorry, para sa akin battle yan, kung sino mahina siya dapat ang bottom pero di ko itatanggi na kahit top ako, puwede din ako maging bottom, depende sa sitwasyon.

Sa next na pagkikita namin, after sex we talked. Nakuha na niya ang loob ko and I wanted to test him. Tinanong niya ako kung bakit hindi ako makapag-overnight sa bahay nila at lagi akong nagmamadali, “siguro may sabit ka no?” I said yes. And I saw his eyes. Literally, nawala yung glow. Kitang-kita mo yung pag-iba ng mukha niya kahit dim light. Alam ko na ang batang ito, sanay sa ganito. He has long standing account in g4m but deleted it sa harap ko, one time na magkasama kami sa kuwarto niya sabay sabi sa aking “tapos na ang paghahanap”.

But that moment, nagulat ako sa naramdaman ko. sanay din ako sa ganito, sanay akong di na ititext ang mga nakasex ko kahit gusto pa nila kung ayaw ko na. Sanay akong mangfrustrate ng tao ng walang pakialam sa nararamdaman nila pero ang batang ito, iba. kitang-kita ang sincerity ng mga mata niya. And for the first time, I feel for him. Hindi ko alam. parang nasaktan ako, parang sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, inacknowledged ko na me nasaktan akong tao.

Kinaumagahan, he texted me “nakahanda akong magtiis, wag ka lang mawawala sa akin” That night we had sex, that was the best sex, after a long-long time na naranasan ko. Of course, with my wife is out of the question here. Random sex, I mean. Hindi ako humihingi ng paumanhin sa pagiging selfish ko. Wala akong pakialam kung me nasaktan man akong mga tao sa pagsunod ko sa nararamdaman ko. It’s between me and my God. Dahil sa nakita kong sinseridad ng bata sa pagmamahal niya sakin, nakahanda akong pagbigyan siya. Kung ako man ang dahilan at titigil na siya sa paghahanap, gusto kong maging inspirasyon niya. Pero on my part, dahil sa nakita kong paghihirap niya nung aminin ko sa kanyang me sabit na ako, lesson na sa akin yun. Na huwag ng makipaglaro sa nararamdaman ng iba. Na pipilitin ko na rin tumigil na sa ganitong buhay. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko (daming guwapo sa paligid parekoy!) but I would like to give it a try. To be fair to him.

Hindi ko alam kung saan papunta ang samahan namin. Kahit naman sa straight na samahan walang kasiguruhan. Steady date kami. Alam kong bata pa siya at somewhere along the way, he’ll meet someone na deserving at walang sabit, ang mahalaga we both learned our lesson, ako to be aware of the feelings of others at siya, to fight for your love no matter what it costs. But as of now, I’ll allow myself to be his “happy” Sino naman ako para tumanggi. Masarap naman siyang kasama. And no, hindi pa rin niya ako nakukumbinsing magbottom. Bwehehe!

Thanks Migs, I hope I can meet you soon….

Mike (this is my real name, unique ano?)

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Val Mante is one truly revolutionary gay man — and this post was written in honor of him. More than 3 years ago, he was at the frontpage of the Inquirer, as one-half of the first married gay couple of the CPP-NPA. Read on.

Reds officiate first gay marriage in NPA

By Rolando B. Pinsoy
Inquirer News Service
Philippine Daily Inquirer, Feb, 7, 2005

DARE to struggle, dare to win … as married gays. After raiding a few Army camps, two communist guerrillas hid in a forest gorge and fell in love.

Deeply.

That was three years ago. On Friday, under a romantic drizzle in a muddy clearing in Compostela Valley province in Mindanao, Ka Andres and Ka Jose exchanged vows in a heavily guarded ceremony before local villagers, friends from the city and their comrades in arms.

They are considered the first homosexual couple in the New People’s Army (NPA) who were wed by the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP).

During the “wedding,” sponsors draped a sequined CPP flag around the couple’s shoulders. The flag was held in place by a long, beaded cord which also went around the couple and the sponsors — symbolizing that their marriage would be made stronger with the help of comrades and the masses.

Andres held a bullet, as did Jose and each other’s hands. The bullets represented their “commitment in the armed struggle.”

Throughout the ceremony, a choir serenaded them with revolutionary love songs. After they signed their “wedding contract,” the newlyweds kissed amid the usual applause.

Jose recalled the day he first visited the NPA camp for his revolutionary integration — a practice resorted to by city-based revolutionary activists before their deployment in the countryside.

This was the first time he met Andres, who was preparing audio-visual materials for a basic revolutionary education seminar.

Jose was young and had a sexist, macho attitude and thought Andres was a typical tiguwang bayot (old gay), an object of scorn and ridicule.

Andres, an education instructor in the movement, was busy with his work and did not take too much notice of Jose.

Besides, Andres already had a boyfriend. Later, the two started to discuss politics.

“I began to understand the revolution and why gays are discriminated by society,” Jose said in an interview.

Started as friends

When Jose’s integration program ended, he decided to join the NPA. It was Andres who accompanied him to the armed unit — his first assignment.

They met several times during education training. At the start, it was purely a comradely interaction. Later, it became romantic.

“I realized he was caring and malambing (affectionate). He would never leave me in times of difficulty,” Jose said.

Andres recalled when they both got separated from their comrades on their way to get supplies. It was raining and Andres spent the night alone in the forest without provisions. The following day, he ran into
Jose, who had also spent the night in the woods, looking for him.

‘Sweetheart’

Jose once confided to Andres that sometimes, he would find himself attracted to female comrades.

“I don’t get jealous. Even if we are away from each other for months

because of the nature of our respective works. I trust him,” Andres said.

Neither is their age gap an issue. Jose is 21 while Andres is 54. They call each other “sweetheart.”

“Andres helps me overcome the challenges and to become strong politically and ideologically,” Jose said.

When the couple realized they were falling in love, they immediately sought the approval of their respective “collective” or cell unit.

It is the collective’s responsibility to foster a strong relationship within the group and members are assessed every four months.

First gay marriage

As the first same-sex marriage in the NPA, theirs is a union long awaited by comrades who support gay rights in the movement. It is also a manifestation of the communist movement’s recognition of the
right to engage in gay relations and to marry.

Although the CPP already recognized gay relations and same-sex marriage, it was not easy for Andres and Jose to make the decision to finally marry.

First, the couple worked hard to change the traditional mind-set of some comrades regarding gays and gay relationships. They attributed these biases to the prevailing “patriarchal” culture in Philippine society.

On gay relations

“[We] conducted painstaking discussions to make comrades understand gay relations and gay rights,” Andres said.

“Gay cadres adhere to the strong Party discipline. They enhance the prestige of gays in the movement. This has gained positive results through the years. Comrades (male and female) and even the masses
have learned to respect and recognize gays and their contribution to the revolution,” he said.

As early as 1995, the CPP’s Southern Mindanao Regional Party Committee started to discuss gay rights in the movement.

In 1998, a provision on gay relations and same-sex marriage was added to the CPP’s guiding policy on relations contained in a document titled “On the Proletarian Relationship of Sexes (OPRS).”

Under the OPRS, the communist movement is committed to guide and ensure there is no exploitation in any relationship-heterosexual or homosexual.

What about kids?

During the wedding ceremony, comrades asked Jose — in jest — if Andres could sexually satisfy him.

“If there is love, everything follows, including sexual satisfaction,” Jose confessed.

The couple was also asked if they planned to have kids.

The newlyweds said they would deal with the issue later.

From my blogger-friend Mandaya Moore-Orlis, as posted in RBP:

Siya si Val Mante, dating secretary general ng Bagong Alyansang Makabayan.

Bakla. Lagi ko syang nakikita sa mga “theater tours” namin noon.

Noong mga huling taon ng 1990s, bigla syang naglaho sa city. Umakyat pala ng bundok. Sumapi sa New People’s Army.

Minsan, nagte-text sya sa akin, naglalambing ng kung ano-ano. Humingi ng three-in-one coffee. Minsan naman, whitening lotion. Noong huli, humingi ng payong. Binalak kong magpadala ng payong na may “Hello Kitty” design. Di ko nagawa.

Isang kaibigan din ang nagdadala ng printouts ng old “Mandaya Moore” posts ko. Pinapasa-pasa ito ng mga bading sa kilusan (kaya nga sila lang ang pag-asa ko para makakuha ng kopya ng old posts ko).

Si Val ay tunay na rebolusyonaryo. Naghasik sya ng sariling rebolusyon sa loob ng rebolusyonaryong kilusan. Ipinangalandakan ang kanyang kabaklaan.

Si Val at ang kanyang partner ang mga salarin sa unang gay marriage sa Communist Party of the Philippines. Sila yung na-front page sa Inquirer.

Noong September 22, namatay si Val. Hindi sa bala. Hindi sa labanan. Tinamaan sya ng sakit na leptospirosis. Bumigay ang kanyang kidney.

Patay na si Val.

Mabuhay si Val.

[Thanks Ate Mandaya for sharing.]

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Adel Tamano is the dashing, eloquent spokesman for the Genuine Opposition. I am quite apolitical, so I really did not know Adel until this morning, when I heard him being interviewed at Mo Twister’s radio show. Callers were ringing the radio station’s show just to say how good looking this lawyer was. And his bubbly persona just made me all the more interested. So I googled him, read him (yes he has a blog, a group blog), and cannot help but be impressed. Here I post an excerpt from his interview with PinoyCentric where he talks about his experience of discrimination as a Muslim Filipino. As I was reading it, I found a strangely familiar tone. I would say a lot of our gay brothers who are naturally masculine (non-effems) would so relate to the discrimination Adel describes. Read on.

PinoyCentric: Were you conscious of your being Muslim as you were growing up?
Adel Tamano: The discrimination—yes. We were practicing Muslims. Up to now I still am, although I am married to a Christian.

Ang discriminations sa akin is strange. This is how it works for me: Most people don’t think I’m a Muslim because they have a stereotype of what a Muslim sounds or looks like. So [then I am able to] enter social groups and I hear people say certain things. For example, may nakidnap ang Abu Sayaff. They’d say, “Grabe talaga ang mga Muslim na to.” Or “Okay sana sa Mindanao, marami lang Muslim.”

These things slip out and then my friends or associates would [realize that I’m there,] and they’d say, “Ay, sorry pala.” So the discrimination is still there.

There are many types of discrimination, and one of them is stereotyping, which is basically judging people not on the basis of who they are but of what group or tribe or religion they represent. So my experience with discrimination is ironic in the sense na hindi ako dini-discriminate.

For example, there are guys who are obviously Muslim. These are the ones who have the long beard and white clothes and they have a thing on their head. It’s so hard for them to get a taxicab. Or like the women wearing the hijab; it’s also hard for them to get a ride. But ako, it’s easy for me because I look “normal,” I guess, or nonstereotypical Moro. But since I’m a Moro, mas masakit sa akin na nakikita ko yun.

My experience with discrimination has made me very sensitive, because I see both sides. Yung stereotypical na Moro, di niya nae-experience yun. Ang nae-experience niya ay di niya nakukuha ang taxi. The resentment or the anger that he feels is different from me, who is a Muslim but is treated better.

Discrimination is real. It’s not something that’s a figment or a perception, but I see it firsthand because I see both sides. You get into these secret places where people are able to show you how they really feel.

So, those who consider themselves “straight-acting” or the naturally masculine gay guys — what do you say? Can you relate?

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Take a peek…

Mister International Philippines 2008 has been launched and is now accepting candidates who will represent the country in the prestigious Mister International 2008. Search to be held in Taiwan on October 4. Twelve finalists will compete for the Philippine title at the Grand Coronation Night at 360 Restaurant Bar on September 1, 2008. This hip and trendy restaurant bar is located on the second level of A Venue Mall (7829 Makati Avenue corner Valdez Street, Makati City).

Interested parties can come to the screening at the 360 Restaurant Bar on August 18, 2008 from 1 PM to 5 PM. A candidate must be a male citizen of the Philippines or a primary resident of the Philippines for at least 6 months immediately prior to the local pageant. He must be 18-years-old and under 30-years-old as of May 1, 2008, never been married never have fathered a child or have been a parent.

A candidate must possess a handsome face and well-toned physique, of good health and moral character. He must never have participated in a previous Mister International Pageant, nor have been selected from a male pageant conducted in the Philippines or alternatively, and must not have been nominated by the local national director with approval from the Mister Singapore Organization.

Interested party must bring a valid Philippine passport at the screening. For more information regarding the screening and tickets for the coronation night, contact 0917 828 2588 (Mike Lim).

For tickets, please get in touch with Mike Lim 09178282588.

[Source]

Click thumbnails below for bigger pic:

More photos at Men’s Room’s Multiply sites by Ian Felix and Dan.

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