At first I thought that I’ll just feature him here, and his advocacy, and that’s it. But I thought of something more fabulous! Since it is year-end anyway, I decided to honor him, his team, and his advocacy with an award I concocted myself: the MGG World Peace Award, which I would like to give to people, teams, projects, or initiatives that embody passion for promoting optimism, hope and positive attitude amidst all the negatives and craziness of this world.

To Cholo and everyone behind “Positivism” I salute you, and honor you with the very first MGG World Peace Award. I sincerely wish for more people to embrace the same advocacy. Migs the Manila Gay Guy embraces positivism. Mabuhay kayo! Mabuhay tayong lahat!

The Article by Cholo Hidalgo Laurel

I was in a café in Saigon during one of my shoots when this word first came to me. I recall the sunlight directly piercing through the trees and blinding my eyes as if to signify a coming epiphany. I felt a need but I didn’t know what I needed. I wondered if something was wrong with my life that I was not seeing. Defensively, I spoke to my self, “On the contrary, considering all that I had gone through in life, this is feeling like harvest time! I’m in a good relationship with a wonderful partner; 4 lovely children, respected by our peers. Ano pa ba ang hihilingin diba?” But the piercing sun was persistent. The emptiness was still there. It was making me sigh. Suddenly I just whispered to myself, “ God, I need to do something…no…not for myself. I need to do something… for you.

Before this starts to sound like college existentialist angst, I will have to admit that this soul searching comes from a natural tendency, My tendency to dig deep when I am sick and tired of something. Ok, confession, I was, at that point, getting very weary of advertising productions. Twelve years of tiptoeing around people’s egos, witnessing the most evil power plays known to man, often compromising standards and never really feeling creatively fulfilled was just eating my soul up. Ergo, This happy man was not a very contented man. This man wanted to start doing things that meant something. Gets?

After a few more sips (or was it cups) of coffee, the thought of an old acquaintance SHOLA LUNA crossed my mind. The thought lingered and I took it as a cue so I traced back. I had seen Shola a few weeks prior in a hospital near my home. I was having my annual check up and she was working as a health counselor of sorts and that was stunningly surprising for me because the Shola I once knew in Malate was the rebel of all rebels, not at all the angel that I had seen that day. But what was remarkable about meeting her again?… the fact that she’s HIV positive? That doesn’t stun me one bit…and then I thought of the word POSITIVE and found it amusing that a person with a viral strain would be popularly called POSITIVE. God must have some poetry behind that and I was about to find out.

POSITIVISM…hmm…I liked the sound of it.

Back in Manila a few weeks later, I intentionally paid Shola a visit in the same hospital to learn more of the world of POSITIVES and being the obsessive person that I can be, I even asked her to bring some of her positive friends over for dinner at my place just to get a deeper insight into an underworld of human beings who, as I discovered, are trying to rise above the heavy weight of stigma. They talked about their journeys from the darkness into light…from negative to positive…from near death to new life. They talked about how lonely it’s been but how hopeful they are for themselves and for the world, that world may awaken to realize that they deserve the name positive. I met gay as well as straight positive men and women and after many hours of hard laughter and tears, my heart found its mission. I focused into a vision… and I knew.

All this time the word POSITIVISM had already stuck to my subconscious mind. I didn’t know what it really meant but to me it meant POSITIVE ACTIVISM – activism for hiv positive people – to eradicate the apparent ignorance, kill the stigma and encourage love and understanding….kewl.

I penciled this in as part of the agenda for the next meetings with my creative team. Being like-hearted people, The HOTBOX team was quick to embrace the advocacy and so we set out for the most creatively fulfilling, heart-warming, soul-feeding journey – To make a web campaign that will help the Filipino deeply understand the HIV POSITIVE phenomenon.

God’s power is amazing, from one person (myself), ten more joined, then a small production house supported, a young director agreed to make a short, I sought help from colleagues and friends – THE Wig Tysman volunteered to shoot the cover, THE Tor Torre gave his make-up services, THE Mitch Amurao did the voices and THE Doctora Dytangko of the Research Institute for tropical medicine backed us up with the facts. Four months later, today, we’ve all grown up immensely and have learned so much about life, love and hope.

This Christmas, as we, the HOTBOX DESIGN STUDIO and our POSITIVISM friends launch this campaign; these are our arms wide open to all of you with all our love and hope. Help us spread the word in order to give hearts cheer, save lives, and spur hope in the hearts of many who need it.

Pay it forward; ask your loved ones to check it out. You will save lives and give hope to those who are deprived of hope.

Maligayang Pasko Pilipinas.

Please visit: http://www.positivism.ph

View more articles in MGG related to HIV.

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If the coming out process is difficult for gay people, it is often equally difficult for their parents. Confusion, anger, and fear frequently cause fathers and mothers of gay men and lesbians to disavow, strike out against, and even resent their children. For many parents, a child’s coming out feels like the ultimate rejection–not only of their dreams and hopes but of their own heterosexuality. In Now That You Know: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children, Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward–the mothers of, respectively, a gay man and a lesbian–have charted the rough seas that almost every parent of a gay person travels.

Fairchild and Hayward presume that homosexuality is a positive good, and that it is willful ignorance and homophobia that are moral wrongs. They also believe that families can and should love all members and that it is distraught or confused parents (not their gay offspring) who must change. Mixing common sense with a firm sense of social justice and love, the authors systematically address almost all of the problems faced by parents of gay people. Answering questions on religion, AIDS, health, children, alternative families, and sex, they make the complicated gay world–often a nightmare vision for “just out” parents of gays–not only manageable but happy and nurturing. –Michael Bronski (Amazon.com Review)

Video after the jump.

It’s the 80s, Reagan is in power and Ed is gay. While his parents are cool with his lifestyle, Ed’s Jewish grandmother is horrified by the news. They’ve always been close, so in response to her trauma, Ed decides it’s time to educate Grandma.

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Hi Migs,

I’m a big fan of your site. I always read whatever you put there. I’m the guy that hates drama hehehehe. I’ve been wanting to write you for the longest time but can’t find good story to share until yesterday Nov 8, 2008.

I’m currently in Malaysia for a short visit. Yesterday I went to see the Petronas out of curiosity because I’ve been hearing a lot of good words from people who see it and also from the movies.

I arrived there around 4PM. I took their MRT system and alighted at KLCC station which is just below the PETRONAS. I passed by SURIA KLCC mall home of branded clothing lines. Im not really sure where Im going that time so I just followed the Mall and voila I ended up at the side of Petronas.

Petronas is all metal! hehehehe nothing really fancy except that it is really Huge. I took pictures and tried to find a good spot to capture the beauty of the building. There were loads of tourist there and some were really in an awkward position just to get a good picture. One guy caught my attention. He’s really good looking and he’s really the type of guy that I want to flirt with. I’m more into English guys cause i find them really really cute and flirty..hehehehehehe. Anyways, I was there for almost 10mins and didnt have yet a good shot. Then this really good looking guy came and seat near where im taking pictures of the building. Nung una patay malisya kunwari, then somebody approached me to take their pictures. which I obliged because Im a firm believer of Karma…plus I think its a good “catch phrase to use” hehehehe.. So after I finished taking pictures of the couple, langya ginawa talaga akong photographer. I was like taking their pictures at all angles of the building but then again I didnt complain because somehow “Alam ko may mangyayaring maganda”. Then I went back to the same place where the really good looking guy was still seated. So I seated near him and started to like find some angles of my shot. Nung una hesistant ako to ask him kasi alam mo na baka magalit or something but because I really really wanted to start a conversation I asked him “Is it alright if you take my pictures then I’ll take your pictures?” with my British accent hehehehe. Pandaya lang yun para kunwari magaling mag-English. He immediately said yes. Then we took turns to take our pictures. We took 2 each. Then we returned to seat again.

And then we started talking. He’s a British-Canadian guy. He’s just in Malaysia for transit and just came from Bali where he did lots and lots of surfing. We talked about a lots of stuff from Football to Geography to Filipina women. We’ve been talking like for 45mins already when he said that he needed to go because he still needs to catch “Quantum of Solace” then he asked me if I wanted to come. Since I didn’t really have any plans after my Petronas I said yes. We walked for almost 20mins just to reach the cinema,since pareho kaming NEWBIE sa Malaysia. Then we caught the 530pm screening. The movie ended up like 730pm. I’m really enjoying his company so after the movie I didn’t really want to go home. He asked me again if I wanted to join him to go bar hopping. He said may nakita syang magandang lugar by searching sa internet na malapit sa area where he is staying. (Hindi sya marunong mag tagalog ha..hehehe). So I agreed that I can stay until 1030 because the last train going back to where im staying is 11PM. We proceeded then to his hotel to change, kc naka-shorts and t-shirt lang siya. I politely said that Ill just wait downstairs, kc baka kung ano pa isipin. hehehehehe…

After 5 mins he came down looking even more gorgeous and smells very nice too.Pumunta n kami sa place and there we learn what the place is famous for : MASSAGE PARLOR… we were like laughing the whole time because the whole place were loaded with different kinds of SPA. So naglakad pa kami until we reached the next street AYUN! mga bars na talaga. We drink and dine at PLANET HOLLYWOOD and have like a Barrell of Beer, Pizza and chicken for the two of us. We really had good fun while eating , drinking and watching FOOTBALL match. Again, the conversation was really really nice. I learned that he’s NUCLEAR PHYSICIST! wtf!????? From his looks I was really caught unaware because he’s really gorgeous and model looking. We finished around 11PM then we decided that I should stay na lang sa room nya since I already missed the last trip. So itinuloy na lang namin yung bar hopping. Lipat lipat kami ng bar and lahat may pint ng beer.

Around 2PM we decided to call it quits kc lakas na ng tama niya. Sobrang dami kasi ng nainom na niya. Upon reaching the room, he asked me kung gusto ko raw “Gay Position” kami sa pagtulog. Di ko alam isasagot ko I just said “You are scaring me now”. To be honest Migs first time kong ginawa ito. I’ve never done this in my entire life pero because I really enjoyed his company plus lahat ng fantasies ko sa isang guy nasa kanya : English, former Army, Intelligent and most of all Good looking I did it. “I chose the GUY POSITION”. So we ended up sleeping in one bed. He slept topless at lalo akong humanga! Washboard ABS! pero I controlled myself. Talagang nag-isip ako if I want to do it or not. He was there lying half naked drunk…..I can’t sleep..Ano ba dapat kong gawin? Like I said this is all new to me. Akala ko ganun lang kadali yun based sa lahat ng mga nababasa ko at napapanud. but I decided to choose na walang mangyari. I know we have something special pero ayaw kong masira…..Paggising ko may halong sisi…kc all night I waited for him to make the first move…I think he also waited for me to make the first move…pero ayaw ko talagang masira kung anong meron na kami.

Lumipad na sya today papuntang Australia kasi may job interview pa siya….and I stayed here in Malaysia….medyo nalulungkot pero umaasa na magkita kami ulit…hehehehe Hindi naman drama medyo may halong pagsisi lang..but i know we started something special….

Tapos i heard the song Love Comes from the Most Unexpected Places…sabi tama nga no.. I wasn’t really looking for anything when I went to Petronas but I ended up having a good memory that I will remember for the rest of my life. Alam ko hindi pa tapos ang aming story….

Thank you Migs.. Gusto kong mabasa reactions ng mga readers ng blog mo kc natutuwa talaga ako sa mga comments minsan.

More Power

ILoveChris now ILoveAlec
Nov. 9, 2008

Hi Migs,

He emailed back and we’re planning to see each other again on the 17th. Do you think I should go for it this time?

Cheers
IloveAlec
Nov. 11, 2008

Hi Migs,

We saw again each other last monday Nov 17. We stayed again in the same hotel shared the bills. We went out again and had a really really wonderful night together. It was one of the happiest moments of my life for the longest time. I thought it would never end.

Then when we were about to sleep I asked a silly question “I said, hey man can i Hug you?” he said “No” very loud. I said “Ok sorry”. Then few minutes later i heard him say “Hey man yes you can hug me now.” I was sooooooooooooooo happy. I was hugging him for 10mins when he said something. I said no. He said If i want to do it we can……..i was preparing for a week for the moment to come…but when it was there…i was confused……I didnt want sex… I want a relationship..which is so silly of me………

He’s now in Thailand enjoying the last part of his vacation. He’ll stay there for a month. I’m planning to go to Thailand again to see him and see where it goes. I really really liked him so much. We exchanged personal things and im becoming more and more “Drama Queen” which I really really hate.. You know smelling his shirt..Memories of our last night together still haunts….hahahahahaha.

But then again, I never expected something like this will happen ..I always said he’s just the icing on the cake, i enjoyed the cake so much. Hey Ho! Life is beautiful.

Thanks Migs and more power. Enjoy your holiday.

Cheers
ILoveAlec
Nov. 20, 2008

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Let me start by saying how confused I am right now. Just call me Boy. I admit that I have learned to accept who I am years ago, so I thought. I’m a straight-acting bisexual, In fact, meron din akong circle of gay and bi friends and as far as I recall, minsan ginagawa akong escort ng mga gay friends ko, kunwari boyfriend nila ako, just for the sake of fun. I’ve had previous relationships with the same sex too, but as years passed by deep inside, I realize that that was not what I wanted or something like that. Then I guess that was the start of a struggle, an inner struggle, which I find most difficult to cope with. Suddenly may fear ako naramdaman, fear of discrimination, fear na mapahiya because sa mundo ginagalawan ko presently hindi declared my other side. Why I didn�t tell them in the first place? I really don�t know�

I thought at first ok lang yun na di nila malaman, sa family, sa work,etc. I told myself na hindi big deal yun sa akin pero later on I’ve realized parang meron spike pag naiiisip ko na what if mag-cross path yung mga gay friends and my straight friends. During one instance, my gay friend called me and told me na one of our common straight friend was inquiring if I was gay kase there were rumors na ganun.

That�s where the spike came� bakit may rumors? Then deep inside naapektuhan ako talaga ako. I thought bakit nung early 20�s ko ok lang na tangapin ko sa sarili ko na ganun ako , in fact, like what ive said before, nagkaroon din ako ng relationship sa kapwa lalake ko, and I have learned to love, to feel happiness and be hurt, just the norms pero bakit ngayon takot ako na malaman ng buong mundo kung sino ako. Migs I wrote this letter not as a viewer of your blog but as a friend seeking advice or someone I can talk to without inhibitions or who would just simply listen to my voice.

Thanks Migs and more power.
Boy

Hello Boy,

Sometime ago when we were younger, perhaps in your case, it was in your 20s, we felt POWERFUL. You were powerful enough to jump and accept yourself at that age. You felt powerful enough to have even thought that you can control the events of your life and the happenings in this world such that no one will know about your “deep, dark little secret.”

Now that you have matured a little bit more, you are realizing that there really are certain things that you cannot control — and I’m specifically referring to the one you cited, the rumors milling around about your sexuality. You are not LESS powerful now than before — you are just more honest and realistic, you are just more aware.

Knowing that other people are talking behind your back is indeed unsettling. I can totally understand it when you said “takot ako na malaman ng buong mundo kung sino ako.” Many of us have felt this way, including myself. I invite you to reflect more and deepen your awareness on why you feel this way, why you feel scared about people knowing the TRUTH about yourself. It seems to me that them knowing you are gay or bi is not really what scares you — perhaps it’s what you imagine they take as next steps that scare you: the rejection? the jeering? the discrimination? But let me underline what I just said. What you are scared of is what you IMAGINE they do after knowing who you really are. Take a step back and ponder on these.

In the end I hope you realize that you are still that powerful individual who took the jump and accepted yourself sometime in your 20s. I would even say that after going through this, now, you are even MORE powerful — you are more accepting of yourself and others, you are more aware of yourself and of the things around you, and as a result, you are more grounded.

And so if after all your reflection, what should you do if you are still bothered by the “spike”? One word: KEBS. You are powerful, you can “KEBS”. (If you do not know what KEBS means, just ask any friendly gay guy. KEBS is the shortened form of KEBER.”)

You are powerful, Boy.

Migs

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I’ve been reading your blog for almost three years and im so happy dahil maraming humihingi ng advice syo. Anyway just call me Macky, I just wanna share my story or should I say a problem. I’m a straight acting bi, walang nakakaalam kung ano ang tunay na feelings ko. Very discreet sabi nga nila. Nagwowork ako sa isang amusement company as operations manager for almost a decade, then minsan naaassign ako sa malayong lugar. Right now 6 months na ako sa Mindanao.

Nung pagdating ko dito, ipinakilala agad sa akin ng boss ko ang magiging assistant ko. Let’s just call him Dave. 28 years old , from Davao, married with 1 child. Siguro sa itsura nya masasabi ko na malakas ang dating nya sa mga girls at gay, kumbaga sa unang tingin mo pa lang may mararamdaman kang pitik sa katawan mo. Isang bahay lang ang inuuwian namin ni Dave at iisang kwarto din ang tinutulugan namin dahil company provided naman yun. By the way nasa abroad ang wife ni dave, ang baby naman nya ay nsa mga in-laws nya.

First few weeks pa lang kami magkasama sa work, nakapag-established agad kami ng good relationship, lagi nya akong niyayaya sa gimikan. Alam nya kasi na mahilig ako sa disco at inuman, minsan pinapasyal nya ako sa ibat ibang lugar.

Sa araw araw na magkasama kami sa work at bahay nakakadama ako ng kasiyahan na hindi ko pa naranasan sa buong buhay ko. Mararamdaman mo sa kanya ang mga pag-aalala pag nawawala ako sa paningin nya, tatawagan agad ako sa celphone at pupuntahan ako kung san man ako naroroon. Pag nararamdaman nya na naho-home sick ako tatanungin nya ako kung ano ang gusto ko para lang mapasaya ako. Pag pressured ako sa trabaho lagi sya naka-alalay sa lahat ng kelangan ko. Busog na busog ako sa sa time and effort na binibigay nya sa akin. Kung iisipin nga ng malisyosong tao, iisipin nila na may relasyon kami ni Dave.

Kala ko nun wala na katapusan ang lahat until one day niyaya nya akong gumimik, pumunta kami nun sa beerhouse. Since na discreet ako, nagkunwari ako na gusto ko talaga pumunta sa lugar na yun. Nagtable kami pareho ng babae, dahil sinabi nya na type daw nya yung isa. so sabi ko ok lang naman. Natapos ang gabi na yun na pareho kaming nalasing, hindi ko na alam kung paano ako nakauwi nun. Nagising na lang ako na magkayakap kami ni dave, bigla akong natauhan nun. nawala ang pagkalasing ko dahil naisip ko kaagad ang trabaho namin. Masama ang loob ko nun dahil parang may barrier na pumipigil sa akin para masabi ko or magawa ko ang gusto ko sa kanya, nararamdaman ko na alam nya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Nahulog ako sa kanya Migs, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

One time around 11pm na ng gabi, lumabas siya ng bahay. Hindi nagpaalam sa akin kung san siya pupunta, I was so worried at hindi ako makatulog. Inabot ako ng umaga sa kahihintay sa kanya. Dumating cya ng office on time at tinanong ko sa kanya kung san sya galing kagabi, hindi ako nagpahalata na galit ako at masama ang loob ko sa kanya. Sinabi nya na pinuntahan nya yung Girl na naka-table nya nung gumimik kami nung nakaraan, kinuwento nya sa akin ng walang pag-aalinlangan kung ano ang ginawa nila at kung ilang ulit nila ginawa ang mga bagay na yun. Tatawa tawa lang ako habang nakikinig sa kanya, pero hindi nya alam na parang sinasaksak ako ng matinding selos. Ilang gabi na hindi na sya natutulog sa inuuwian namin, habang ilang gabi na din na hirap na hirap ang kalooban ko sa tuwing hindi sa uuwi at magigising ako na wala sya sa higaan nya. Minsan sa sobrang sama ng loob ko uminom ako mag-isa, nilunod ko ang sarili ko sa alak sa kagustuhan ko lang na makalimutan ang sama ng loob ko sa kanya. Pagdating ko sa bahay ng hatinggabi hinihintay nya pala ako sa labas. Tinanong nya ako kung san ako nanggaling sabi ko sabi ko may nagyaya lang sa akin habang nakangiti, hindi ko namamalayan na tumutulo na pala ang luha ko. Kahit anong pigil at iwas ang gawin ko patuloy ang pag-agos ng luha ko, tinanong nya ako kung may problema ako sumagot lang ako ng wala.

Siguro sa sobrang awa nya sa akin noon ay niyakap nya ako at sinabi nya sa akin kung ano ang problema ko ay handa naman siyang tumulong, kung ano man daw ang kelangan ko ay handa nya ibigay. Hanggang sa nakatulog ako sa kalasingan na nasa tabi ko sya habang nakayap sa akin. Hirap na hirap ako Migs, para siyang isang masarap na ulam na hindi pwede kainin or isang mansanas na hindi pwede pitasin.

Marami akong gustong sabihin sa kanya pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto ko sabihin na mahal ko siya pero pinipigil ako ng takot na baka hindi maging maganda ang resulta at baka masira ang relasyon namin sa trabaho. Mahal ko ang trabaho ko at hindi ko ito kayang isakripisyo pero mahal ko din si Dave at wala akong pwedeng gawin kundi umasa isang araw na maayos din ang lahat. Sa ngayon pinipilit ko na maging pormal at propesyonal sa harap ni Dave pero ang tanong ko sa sarili ko kung hanggang saan ba ang itatagal ko..

Thanks to you migs and more power!! God bless!!

Macky

Hello Macky,

Three things I want you to consider:

1. “Don’t shit where you eat.”
2. He’s your subordinate — don’t even dare think about it.
3. Open your eyes to the wide, wild world of bi/gay men. Andami, dami, dami mong choices.

Best of luck!

Migs

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Why was “Walang Kawala” such a hit? I think the promo photos did it. And the buzz about Marco Morales‘ two-time frontal exposure. The movie itself was palatable enough, in fact Emilio Garcia as the contravida had really funny scenes, such a welcome comic relief to the suspense/thriller that the film was suposed to be.

Overall, the movie is worth watching. What struck me the most was the openness with which the gay lover protagonists, Joaquin (Polo Ravales) and Waldo (Joseph Bitangcol), express their feelings to each other. “Mahal kita, mahal na mahal kita.” It was nothing lyrical, nothing poetic, really. But seeing two men express their love for each other onscreen, physically and verbally, somehow struck me, resonated with me. I was asking myself, maybe I have not seen such open verbal expression of gay love in any other movie I watched? Or it was such a familiar reality but it was my first time to see it shown in film? I’m not sure. What I’m sure of is that it was the most striking feature of the film for me — even more than Marco Morales’ dangling phallus (and it was alive! — sing with me now, “it’s alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic!” hehehe!) Lastly, I’d say Polo Ravales delivered quite a good performance. Too bad I couldn’t say the same for Joseph Bitangcol.

“Walang Kawala” opens on November 12 at the following theaters: Robinsons Galleria, Robinsons Ermita, Gateway Mall, Cinerama Isetann and New Cinema Theater (Cebu City).

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Produced by ATD Entertainment of star Allen Dizon, Paupahan is one of the recent films from one of the few truly active auteurs of current cinema in the country. Photographed by �National Artist material� Romy Vitug and written by Dennis Evangelista, the dramatic film (Graded B by the Cinema Evaluation Board) interweaves three unrelated plots involving inhabitants of a slum area next to a cemetery. With Allen in the powerhouse cast are movie queen Gloria Romero, German �Kuya Germs� Moreno, Jay Manalo, Snooky Serna, Angelu de Leon, Krista Ranillo, Joseph Bitangcol, Kirby de Jesus.

Sun Kissed (A Daven Productions Release) is the intriguing gay indie hit from the United States. It made the rounds of the international fest circuit: Miami Gay and Lesbian Film Festival; Inside Out Film Festival-Toronto; Newfest Film Festival-New York; San Francisco Frameline Film Festival; Outfest Film Festival-Los Angeles among others. It tells the tale of a young writer completing his first novel in an isolated desert house where he is seduced by the mysterious caretaker. On show is the guaranteed full version of the film�unrated and uncut.

Here’s the schedule of screenings at UP Diliman’s Videotheque.

Next Attraction: Vhagetz ; Gay Sex in the 70s

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I was listening intently to the workshop facilitator, he was intense and passionate yet almost oblivious to the power his words held. I knew he was about to say something important. And then it hit me, that question, “is there anything in your past that you have intellectually set aside — and yet, emotionally, you know it’s still there, bothering you, blocking you, preventing you from being your best self?” It hit me like electricity zapping into my chest. It zapped to life something I held dormant inside.

I know myself as someone who, if the situation called for it, can be very clinical about things, even with my personal experiences. Given, however, that chance to go back and fetch some unprocessed memories, and the threat that perhaps unconsciously, my blocks come from those I’ve arrogantly intellectually set aside — I was just so ready to admit that yes, there is this one simple emotional memory that is still there lurking, bumping, jiggling inside me. And now it is making its way to my consciousness — and I am just guessing — for a reason.

What is that emotional memory?

It was this: an aunt, chubby, with fair rosy white cheeks, but pimply, shiny and oily, her head crowned with brown curly locks, and her puckered lips unnaturally bloody red, exaggerated with cheap chappy lipstick, talking to my mother, saying, almost complaining, this fateful remark:

“Bakla ba yang batang yan? Bakit parang ang lamya yata?!”

Yes, my aunt was referring to me.

She was referring to me, at 6 or 7 years old. Yes, me.

… me, who from then on, started to resent her presence, and her voice, even if she was mouthing about something so different from that fateful remark.

… me, who started getting jitters when I knew I would be attending family gatherings because that meant being in the same place as her.

… me, who at that tender age, started to overcompensate, to unconsciously put myself on overdrive so that when they talk about me, they will say something else other than my being gay.

… me, who then eventually went to become the “family genius”.

… me, who is the only one in the clan that would be able to win 2 high school scholarships, and eventually go to the prestigious Philippine Science High School.

… me, who is the only one in the clan that would eventually go to the flagship campus of the country’s premiere State University.

… me, who is the only one in the clan that would eventually graduate with honors and more.

… me, who is the only one in the clan that would eventually be applauded by an international audience of Ph.D.’s, industry experts, and topnotch academicians when I presented my graduate thesis work, that eventually was published as a paper in a respected scientific journal.

… me, who is the one in the clan that would eventually be the family’s “poster boy” of success, everyone’s go-to-relative when their pockets run empty and the needs pressing.

… me, the boy who was still my aunt’s prisoner many years after hearing those fateful words.

It took just that powerful nudge, an invitation to look back and examine my blocks. It made me recognize the existence of that one emotional memory that made a prisoner out of me. While it fueled my drive to success, I realize that that happening now deserves to be put to rest. That from now on, I shall be operating on a much more aware and purposeful level. That success to compensate for my sexual preference should be no more; that my journey in this world should not be about hiding my homosexuality by the bigness of my success — rather, I should travel my journey simply to be the best I can be, to do the best I could, for my own growth, my self-actualization, and for sustaining my capacity to help, to give of myself, to be a relevant, significant, contributing, and functional member of the society I am in.

I wrote this post in the hopes of paying it forward. I am so edified with the process, and thought that maybe you too can learn a thing or two about yourself by asking that same question. “Is there anything in your past that you have intellectually set aside — and yet, emotionally, you know it’s still there, bothering you, blocking you, preventing you from being your best self?”

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This article was written by John Lapus. Funny, witty, yet rings true. I so like the ending, so world peace! Taray mo `teh!

Si Carol Dauden, na isang magaling aktres, at si Aiza Seguera, na mahusay na mang-aawit, ay umamin na�sila ay mga tomboy. Mukha naman silang masaya sa kanilang pag-amin. Mas naging malaya sila. Natanggap naman sila ng mga pamilya nila at mga kaibigan. Pero bakit ang mga bakla sa showbiz, isang damukal ang ayaw umamin. Yung iba, tumanda na, at yung iba naman, namatay na pero hindi umamin. Namatay nang nagtatago. Namatay nang hindi malaya. Kawawang bakla.

Sabi ng mga kaibigan kong tomboy, minsan daw, nakaka-get sila ng babaeng makaka-s*x nang hindi nila binabayaran. Para ding mga straight guys na minsan talk show lang at isang bote ng beer, confirmed na! Yung mga baklang mukhang babae at maganda, siguro nakaka-get ng libre, pero prangkahan na, yung iba hindi. Kahit mayaman ang bakla or sikat at powerful, pay pa din. Yung iba, hindi cash. Minsan, career or trabaho. Minsan, damit or rubber shoes. Basta, may kapalit pa rin. May mga kaibigan akong nagmamaganda. Mahal daw sila ng kanilang mga straight boyfriends. I asked them, �Try niyo nga huwag bigyan �yan ng allowance or work, tignan ko lang kung boyfriend mo pa �yan.� Ayaw naman nila i-try. Kawawang bakla.

Ang dami kong kilalang tomboy na ang girlfriend babaeng totoo �tapos tumagal ang relasyon. Sa mga bakla, ang tumatagal lang yung bakla sa baklang relasyon. Kawawang bakla.

Lima na ang kakilala kong baklang pinatay. Yung dalawa, ka-close ko pa. Nagkaroon tuloy ng chismis na baka may gay serial killer. Pero tomboy, walang masyadong pinapatay. Naisip ko, itong mga gay killers, they know na kaya nilang patayin ang mga kawawang bakla na biktima nila. Honestly, minsan naisip ko, kung meron kayang bakla na serial killer naman ng mga lalaki? Bongga, di ba? Pero mga salbahe lang ang pinapatay niya. Kaya lang �pag nahuli, kawawang bakla.

Parang boring ang kumalat na picture ng Mocha girls na naghahalikan. Pero kung member ng all-male group ang may kumalat na picture na naglalaplapan, kahit biruan lang din tulad ng sa Mocha, I�m sure-manicure-pedicure-kulot, hanggang next year ay headline �yon. Pagchi-chismisan sa beauty parlor, palengke, school, opisina, prisinto, at sa batis habang naglalaba. Kasi recently ko lang nalaman, na �pag dalawang babae pala ang naghalikan, natuturn-on ang mga lalaki. Pero �pag dalawang lalaki ang naghalikan, hindi naman natuturn-on ang mga babae, worst, nandidiri sila. Biased, di ba? Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang mga lalaki nambabae, sasabihin �macho.� Pero pag namakla, �kadiri.� Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang bakla mukhang babae, maganda. Pero ang babae pag mukang bakla, pangit. Hahaha. Kawawang bakla.

Eto, talagang totoo. Pag ang baklang pa-girl malaki ang nota, alaskado siya sa mga kaibigan niyang bakla. Ang tomboy na pamin pag matambok ang pechay, kaiinggitan ng mga kaibigan niyang tomboy. Suwerteng tomboy, kawawang bakla.

Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tomboy at accepted ng family nila. Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tagong bakla. Yung iba umamin na lang noong patay na ang tatay nila. Kawawang bakla.

Pag may dumaan na bakla, sumisigaw ang mga batang kalye ng, �Bakla! Bakla!� Pero parang hindi pa ako nakarinig na sumigaw sila ng, �Tomboy! Tomboy!� Kawawang bakla.

Ang mga baklang nakadamit-babae, posibleng mabastos pag pumasok sa C.R. ng boys. Pag ang tomboy pumasok sa C.R. ng girls, okay lang na nakadamit-lalaki. Hindi kaya dahil lalaki lang ang nambabastos? Kawawang bakla.

Nabanggit ko na ito dati. Ang dami kong nakikitang tomboy na may ka-holding hands na babae. May nakita na ba kayong baklang hinolding hands ng boyfriend niya? In public, ha. Kawawang bakla.

Yung isang kaibigan kong tomboy, tuwang-tuwa daw ang tatay niyang sundalo nang malamang tomboy siya. Yung kaibigan kong bakla, binugbog ng tatay na sundalo nang malamang bakla. Kaloka. Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang anak na lalaki or babae masama ang ugali, ang tawag �black sheep.� Pag bakla ang anak na masama ang ugali, ang tawag �salot.� May kaibigan nga ako na mabait naman, salot pa din ang turing ng pamilya. Maryosep, kawawang bakla.

Kadalasan ang lalaki, kapag nakikipag-break sa girlfriend nila, kasi may ibang babae. Kapag ang lalaki, nakikipag-break sa bakla, kasi may ibang bakla or babae. Heto ang kakaiba, may kaibigan akong bakla, iniwan siya ng jowa niya kasi nag-born again. Ang say ni bakla, �Anong palagay niya sa akin, demonyo?� Kawawang bakla.

Ang batang lalaki �pag kumikendeng, sasabihin �bakla paglaki.� �Pag ang batang babae, macho kumilos, sasabihin ay �boyish� lang. Kawawang baklita.

Ang mga babae tuwang-tuwa �pag pumupunta sa gay bar. Ang mga bakla, kawawa sa pandidiri �pag pumunta sa girlie bar. Sure ako diyan. Sinama ako dati ng mga kaibigan kong lalaki, awang-awa ako sa sarili ko. Huhuhu.

Nakakatawa pero nakakasad yung joke na ito (buti na lang joke):

PARI: Ang mga bakla ay hindi makakapasok sa langit.

BAKLA: Ok lang �yon Father. Doon na lang kami sa Rainbow, magslide-slide.

Which made me think. Ang mga bakla lang ang makakaisip ng ganoon. Hindi na papasukin sa langit pero nakuha pang mag-taray at lumigaya sa pag-slide sa rainbow.

Dito sa Pilipinas, sa Quezon City na lang, tabi-tabi ang gay bar. Lesbian bar, may nakita ka na?

Alam niyo ba na may mga spa at massage parlor na para lang sa mga bakla? Bongga!

Walang baklang istambay. As in pang lalaki lang ang word na �yan. Yun nga lang, may baklang pusher at bugaw pero may trabaho pa din. Bihira ang baklang holdaper. Yung kumukuha na lang ng hindi kanila. May na-meet na akong baklang snatcher at akyat-bahay, at least, nag-effort muna sa pagtakbo at pag-akyat. Hahaha.

Ang word na �pink peso� ay dedicated daw sa pera na kinikita at ginagastos ng mga bakla.
Madami daw bakla sa call center na pinapayagang mag-boses babae kasi boses babae talaga. I doubt kung madaming tomboy ang boses lalaki. Aminin.

May kaibigan akong tomboy na nag-commit ng suicide after iwan ng girlfriend. Ang mga bakla �pag iniwan ng jowa, mababaliw lang�iiyak�mag-e-emote�magkukulong sa kwarto�magluluto�magpapa-parlor��tapos may jowa na ulit. Taray! I should know.

Mas madaming bakla ang nanalo sa mga make-up at hair style competition. Oo naman.
Ang mga bakla, may taste. Pag sinabi naming pangit, pangit talaga �yon. Pero pag sinabi naming maganda, ay maganda talaga �yon. May kaibigan akong lalaki. May pina-date sa akin na barkada daw niyang guwapo. Sa barkada nila, �yon daw ang pinaka-guwapo. Nang makita ko, ang naisip ko lang, �Diyos ko po! Ano pa itsura ng pangit sa barkada nila?� May barkada naman akong babae. Pinakilala sa akin yung manliligaw niya. Super guwapo daw. Pucha, pagkakita ko, napa-C.R. ako.

Ang mga bakla, masaya kasama. Maingay, nakakatawa at hindi boring.

Come to think of it. Hindi rin pala kami masyadong kawawa. Mga bakla, tara na sa Rainbow at mag-slide-slide in this particular order:

RED- Mga baklang pa-girl, operada at mukhang babae. Go, mga sisters!

ORANGE- Mga batang bakla. Slide na, mga anak!

GREEN- Mga paminta, mukhang lalaki, members ng guys4men.com. Slide na, mga pare!

YELLOW- Mga baklang may asawa at anak. You deserved to be happy. Slide na!

VIOLET- Mga baklang bisexual, dito kayo kasi alanganing red, alanganing blue. Go!

INDIGO- Mga baklang Diva at Mama. Halina mga sisters. Mama Ricky, kapit lang po mabuti. Sunod na po ako in a while.

BLUE- Mga baklang tago at ayaw umamin, dito kayo. Kahit hindi kayo umaamin, may karapatan din kayong mag-slide sa rainbow natin. Ingat lang sa pagtili at baka mabuking. Diyan kayo sa dulo para hindi mahalata ng bayan na nakikipaglaro kayo sa amin. Don�t worry, we understand. Alam ko, kawawa din kayo. Sssshhhh�.

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It was past midnight.

My cellphone beeped, a new message from an unfamiliar number. It started with, “Hi Migs.”

Later I realized that same number called me several times that day. Whenever I answered, it was just silence from the other line. Either a shy stalker, or a prank caller, I thought. I was pretty busy throughout that day and did not want to get upset so I just let it be. Each time the number rang, I would very politely answer, “Hello?” Each time I did, there was nothing on the other end but silence.

Past midnight, as the moon broke out of the sorry clouds, the caller likewise revealed himself.

“Hi Migs. Nice to hear your ‘hello’ again. It’s been exactly one year since we first met. And again, I’m here, same time, same restaurant, almost the same table, just wishing that I’m with the same person too as last year. But since alam kong hindi na puwede, celebrating good old times na lang. I miss you, Migs. I really do. I know you’re happy now. Good luck!”

And I realize, some hearts just don’t know how to quit. They can get tired, but they nevertheless continue beating for their beloved. I pity the person but at the same time I feel so powerless — how can you salve that aching heart when you cannot make yourself reciprocate?

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