Manila Gay Guy

And I think I’ll start blogging again soon. Thanks for hanging in there.

Dear Migs,

Let me start by saying how confused I am right now. Just call me Boy. I admit that I have learned to accept who I am years ago, so I thought. I’m a straight-acting bisexual, In fact, meron din akong circle of gay and bi friends and as far as I recall, minsan ginagawa akong escort ng mga gay friends ko, kunwari boyfriend nila ako, just for the sake of fun. I’ve had previous relationships with the same sex too, but as years passed by deep inside, I realize that that was not what I wanted or something like that. Then I guess that was the start of a struggle, an inner struggle, which I find most difficult to cope with. Suddenly may fear ako naramdaman, fear of discrimination, fear na mapahiya because sa mundo ginagalawan ko presently hindi declared my other side. Why I didn’t tell them in the first place? I really don’t know… (more…)

I was listening intently to the workshop facilitator, he was intense and passionate yet almost oblivious to the power his words held. I knew he was about to say something important. And then it hit me, that question, “is there anything in your past that you have intellectually set aside — and yet, emotionally, you know it’s still there, bothering you, blocking you, preventing you from being your best self?” It hit me like electricity zapping into my chest. It zapped to life something I held dormant inside.

I know myself as someone who, if the situation called for it, can be very clinical about things, even with my personal experiences. Given, however, that chance to go back and fetch some unprocessed memories, and the threat that perhaps unconsciously, my blocks come from those I’ve arrogantly intellectually set aside — I was just so ready to admit that yes, there is this one simple emotional memory that is still there lurking, bumping, jiggling inside me. And now it is making its way to my consciousness — and I am just guessing — for a reason.
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It’s sad when out gay guys bash the closeted ones. Why? Because all out gay guys start out closeted. We all go through that phase, and therefore, we should be able – we are expected – to understand why some of our brothers choose to stay closeted, even if perhaps, we ourselves found peace with being out in the open.

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It’s sad, too, when closeted ones sneer on their out counterparts. They, the closet cases, should realize that the only real difference between them and their out counterparts is a critical decision to let others know about their otherwise private sexual preference. Note that the difference is an act of volition — so, out or closeted, there is really no fundamental difference.

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These thoughts, among many others, were running through my mind as I sipped my green tea at Kozui, a wonderful cozy place to hang-out along Morato in Quezon City.

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What then is our lesson learned? Well tell me what you think should be the lesson here. I’m in the mood for some reflection — yes, green tea does that to me.

If we believe what the traditional Catholic teachings say about people who engage in homosexual acts, then we can conclude that sexually active gays go to hell. (Aba, ang hell pala ay parang isang napakalaking Malate, or Puerto Galera during Holy Week! Hehehe!). Well, here’s a sharing by a young MGG reader about his reflections on sprituality and homosexuality. Read on and feel free to share your thoughts as well.

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Hi Migs,

Before proceeding to the real purpose of this email, I would like to begin by introducing myself as Drew. I am a junior at the Ateneo de Manila University. Though I’ve probably known about my homosexuality since I could remember, I have only come to a deeper acceptance and understanding of it over the past 2 years. You see, I come from a religious and spiritual family which is probably why I gave, and am still giving, a great importance to dealing and coming into terms with my issues about being homosexual vis-a-vis my religion, more so, my relationship with God.

Introductions aside, I emailed you because it has come to my attention how the topic of the homosexual act being viewed as a sin is touched, discussed, and reacted to by many of your subscribers and our fellow gay brothers/ sisters.
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Like what I said in my year-end reflection last year, it has been my regular practice to go back and reflect on past events, always in search of lessons I could learn from such happenings. I am again sharing with you some year-end thoughts, 3 things I will try to keep in mind as we enter 2008 — (1) something that I want to sustain and continue; (2) something I want to improve on and extend; and lastly, (3) something new I want to explore and emerge in my life. As I share these, I also wish that you likewise spend some year-end reflection time — may we all live a happy and meaningful life!
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Yes this is once again a reflection post…. a post reflecting on Migs’ singlehood, by far, the most intimately personal sharing here in MGG. Thank you for coming to my blog these past months, or weeks, or days… I feel so blessed to have a blog like MGG, and an audience as diverse, fun, and smart as you… feel free to share your thoughts on this post.

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Have you ever experienced, while pondering on a very difficult puzzling question in your life, a sudden burst of clarity of thought, a perception of reality by means of a surge of intuitive realization? While driving along EDSA last night, I was thinking, “Why am I still single?” And that was the seed, that most powerful question that would bring me my epiphany, a eureka moment of sorts.
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Gay life is not all fun and twinkling glitters. And when one reaches some kind of brick wall, it is best he has someone to confide with. Are you gay? Please tell someone.

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Bruce traveled from Florida to the Grand Canyon where, at No Name Point, a 450-foot jump put an end to his life. A short note identified the reason for his death:

Dear Family and Friends,

I’m sorry it had to end this way but it was my fate. I couldn’t handle life anymore. You see, the reason I ran away before to commit suicide is the same reason I did again. I’m gay. I never wanted to be and I always wished it would change, but it didn’t.

I wanted to live a normal life but God created me this way for some reason and there was nothing I could do to change it. I was born this way. Believe me, I would not choose this way of life for I know how hard and unaccepted it is.

I’m painfully sorry you all had to deal with this, but I couldn’t deal with it. This way, I could live a peaceful afterlife instead of a life of fear, agony, and manic depressiveness.

Please realize, I did not want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to end my own pain. I love you all dearly and will someday see you all again hopefully with your understanding hearts and souls. I just hope God will bring me to heaven.

Love always and eternally,
Bruce

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After Bruce’s body was discovered, his mom wrote the following letter:
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I received an email from Lizz, a UP Diliman Fine Arts student who is working on her thesis. Her topic is: Homosexual Tolerance in Society.

She emailed me to ask: “If you could give yourself a ‘happy ending’, what form would it take?” She goes on to illustrate some options like, “Is it acceptance from your family/friends/society? Or finding a loved one to share your life with?”

Interesting, I thought. Here’s what I have to say, Lizz.
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As the year 2006 comes to a close, I would like to share with you some of the thoughts that come to mind, which for me are points to ponder, material for further reflection, and sort of a year-end summary of lessons from this university called Life. (more…)