“Huy, Migs! Joseph! Ang sweet ninyo naman, magka-holding hands pa kayo.”

And there we were, both surprised, holding our breath and wondering how it all happened unconsciously– my right hand in his left, spaces between my fingers filled by his, interlocked.

Yes, all along, without even knowing it, there was intimacy between Joseph and me. The light touches here and there, on the arms, knees, and thighs, while catching up on each other, enjoying red wine at Cav. His hands over my shoulders, tapping, and his warm breath on my ears, whispering, as we watched the last Eraserheads concert in MOA. His gentlemanly gesture of walking me to my car as we ended one evening of dinner and drinks in Serendra. And most recently, when he picked me up at the JFK airport, on our way to his apartment, while catching up, I felt him so close, so connected, his face merely an inch away from mine, as the whole world dissolved in oblivion, as if nothing in the universe existed but Joseph and me.

Dave, a close friend, was able to observe Joseph and me in New York. He was one of those I mingled and toured with while in the Big Apple, so naturally he saw how Joseph and I interacted. I had a chance to talk to him about my situation with Joseph.

“Dave, what do you think of Joseph and I?”

“Migs, I can sense your deep connection with him, and him to you.”

And I wasn’t able to keep my thoughts from becoming spoken words:

“Dave, do you think Joseph is gay too?”

“Importante pa ba yun, Migs? Kung ano man iyang mayroon kayo, kung ano man yan — hindi ba ang sarap ng may ganyan?”

I was silent. But inside, I was feeling victorious. Dave was echoing what my heart was feeling, and couldn’t turn into words. I love Joseph, and I’m happy with what we now have — no more, no less.

Joseph shared with me that in a relationship he needed physical intimacy. I did not tell him but I know I need that too. In my mind then, I know we cannot be together. He’s in NYC, and I shuttle between Manila and California. If only the world were smaller. Yet I wished it was bigger too, so it has space for what Joseph and I have.

On the day I was leaving NYC, Joseph logged out earlier at his hospital. “Migs, ihahatid kita sa airport ha. Wait for me, I’ll be home by 4pm.”

Almost on the dot, he was there, as I was finishing up packing my bag.
“Sana, nag-extend ka dito,” said Joseph, which I answered with a smile. “Kuwentuhan pa tayo, kahit gabi-gabi. Kasi Migs, after all these years, andun pa rin. Hindi pa rin tayo nagbago. Ramdam ko pa rin.” To which I replied with a pathetic, “oo nga eh.” Bags packed, coats worn, we then walked out into the cold, busy NYC streets.

At the JFK airport, a christmas song was playing.

“O paano, next year ulit?” Joseph asked.

“Definitely!” I answered.

“November?”

“Maybe. Maybe even earlier.”

“Or I visit you in California.”

“Sure!”

Then, the abrazos. It was tight, bittersweet, and strong. I love Joseph, and I know he loved me too. This thing that we have is beautiful, and I appreciate it as it is.

I left NYC happy, with a resolve to just continue to appreciate what Joseph and I have. And for me to do so, I compartmentalize. I leave that chapter behind and continue my life, either in California or in Manila, without Joseph. I was feeling good about the resolve. It’s working for me.

Until I opened my inbox the day after I arrived back in California.

An email from Joseph. This will be harder than I thought.

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Good day!

I am writing to you para maliwanagan ako sa lahat ng nangyari sakin. My name is Yours (a loan word from my true name so basically not really my real name, just sounded like my nickname. Actually there is a unique spelling of that nickname but to protect my privacy i just loaned the word as well as the spelling), 20 from Cebu. To be honest, I am bothered right now kung sino ba talaga ako lalo pa’t parang nagkagusto na ako sa kapwa ko lalaki na ang pangalan ay Emman (not his true name).

Emman’s dad and my dad are bestfriends, actually para silang magkapatid. Christian pastor ang dad nya and he is from strict and conservative family in fact, his dad is the reason why my family became Born again Christians. Nagkakilala kami nung bata palang kami,and Emman is a shy type of person, di ako gaanong nakikipaghalubilo sa kanya noon kasi I feel awkward kasi if kakausapin mu xa kasi nga tahimik tsaka parang maarte ang dating. When I was in second year high school and he was on junior high, lumipat cla sa lugar namin, so malapit na yung bahay nila sa amin, nagpatayo kasi sila ng bahay sa lugar ng kanyang dad (ang dad nya at dad ko ay magkababata, so magkapitbahay sila ng dad ko at ang dad nya nuon). Mula nuon, I frequented on their house, duon ko nakilala ng lubos c Emman. kinakausap ko na xa tapos mabait pala xa pag kausap ko na, then palabiro din pala xa. Nung una, nakakailang talaga kasi nga tahimik lang xa pero he would put jokes everytime na may pag uusapan kami. Marami xang mga kwentong nakakatawa na hango sa kanyang mga everyday experience sa school. Masaya talaga xang kausap, pero minsan seryoso. Masaya ako pagkinausap nya ako kasi that indicates na gusto din nyang kausapin ako. For me, its just such an honor na kausapin nya ako…and thats so weird para sakin. As time goes by, nag graduate na xa ng high school tapos ako 4th year pa, dun talaga nagsimula ang lahat nung nasa college na xa, at high school naman ako. I just dont know sa feeling ko, and I wasnt sure about it coz hinahanap hanap ko na xa araw2x. Araw2x pumupunta ako sa bahay nila, minsan pa nga doon na ako matutulog kasi sometimes ginagabi xa sa school. One time na dun ako sa kwarto nya nakatulog, and then d ko namanlayan na dumating na pala xa. Then in the middle of the night nagising ako na nasa kama na xa at katabi ko na. tiningnan ko xa sa mukha, and at the back of my mind I asked myself “Am I in love with this guy?, bakit ba hinahanap-hanap ko ang mokong na to, bat ako naghihintay sa kanyang pagdating?”. Swear to God, its not about sex that I after, but there was just something that really bothered me a lot until to the point that I asked myself if im gay. This really made me so devastated because I cant accept the fact na bakla ako or may feminine side ako. I dont really know kung bakit at paano nangyari ang lahat. Nung nalaman ko straight from her sister na may GF na xa, I was really shocked and pretended na masaya ako para sa kanya but the truth is, i was hurt. I felt that there is a need for me to overcome on that thing. I could not deny it. It was a feeling I could not identify accurately. Whenever he laughed over a joke with other churchmates na mga girls, that emotion filled my senses. It took me a while before identified it. I was in love; the feeling was jealousy. I felt the need to express it. But, I was afraid…that he would dismiss my feeling, that we would be stuck in an embarrassing situation, that our long nurtured friendship would crumble…therefore, I kept quiet. Pero nasasaktan talaga ako pag may mga babaeng nagpaparamdam nag pagkagusto sa kanya. Di ko nakuha ang attention nya and d nya rin napansin ang mga paramdam ko. Nahihirapan ako, I even hated myself that time because there was just an urgency for me to tell it to him, but I dont want na he would ask me if gay ba ako. Until such time na nakadesisyon na akong sabihin sa kanya. Nung panahong yun ay d ko na xa masyadong makikita sa bahay nila kasi nursing student kasi xa noon then duty xa sa gabi then tulog pag umaga. So I decided to na sabihin na para malaman na din nya ito. And I sent him a message sa kanyang friendster account. Everytthing was explained at sinabi ko sa kanya na nasa state of identity crisis ako and that parang nagkagusto na ako sa kanya. I told him that its impossible na he would also treat me in the same way as I am at sinabi ko rin sa msg na sana he will stay like before after knowing all of those. Nagreply xa, and that was positive, but he never told me that he felt the same way as i am and I never expected that answer from him. Napaiyak talaga ako, as in a baby cry, hagulhol talaga sa loob ng kwarto ko dahil sa sinabi nya. He told me that he understands me and that he will stay as a friend like before. But he wanted me to overcome the feeling as that is really impossible na mangyari. He wanted me to ask for God’s help and he will pray for me to. I just dont know bakit gusto kung talikuran ang aking abnormal na feeling pero gusto ko pa rin xa, I mean I want to turn my back sa feminine side ko but I also want him at the same time. I was devastated, in fact, I hate the kind of life i have right now. I dont want to end up lying to everybody about my reall identity kasi so far c Emman lang ang nakakaalam, he assured me that he will keep that in strictest confidence. Mula noon, paranng napansin ko na parang may gap na namuo sa amin, parang maiilang na xa. Pero I tried to reinstate the friendship we had. D naglaon, parang nakalimutan na din nya ang lahat. Back to normal. But my feeling is still there, gusto ko parin xa I dont know para ano pa nga ba. Gusto ko kalimotan xa pero d ko kayang magawa. Para na kasing magkapatid turingan namin then parang na guilty ako sa sarili ko dahil dun, nahiya na rin sa ako sa Dyos. Sa tingin mu migz, ano nga ba ang effective na paraan para makalimotan at ma overcome ko xa?I know na d ako normal na lalaki, pero everytime na remember ko xa, I cant get over. Should I tell him na d pa ako naka getover sa kanya? Or is that necessary to say? Am I considered crazy? Am I acting so stupid and should I stop this madness? I cant just push through because Im stuck. Please advise. Nahirapan na din ako sa sarili ko kasi Im guilty din kasi I feel na Im so bad that I lied to everyone about my sexuality. Your reply is highly appreciated.

Thanks,
Yours.

Dear Yours,

I won’t ask you to even consider trying to rip out your feelings toward your friend. It is possible, yet difficult, and quite frankly, unnatural. I’d rather ask you to keep at it, pursue him if your heart tells you that’s what you want to do. In the background though, notice how you are — take some time in taking a third party look at the situation, observe yourself from a different point of view, notice what feelings surface as you see yourself do what you’re doing. Do you like what you see? What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? Your answers to these questions may help you answer your own questions about what to do about revealing your feelings to Emman, about how you want to move this forward.

Also, there is a word I have long been meditating on, that I want to share with you now. It is the word “detachment.” Some may feel a bit of negative vibe with this, but I tell you, detachment is a beautiful thing. Detachment for me doesn’t mean indifference. It means being able to be passionate about something and yet at the same time, having the ability to peacefully accept whatever it is that happens in the end. It’s about having the humility to accept that there are so many variables in the equation, and not everything can be achieved just by working hard on it, or by thinking that you are entitled to it because you are this and that. Life is full of these complex things. Being able to detach one’s self from the fruits of our labor, our pseudo-urgent wants, even from those we feel so much for, is an act of humility.

I wish you the gift of self-awareness, the gift of humility, and the gift of fortitude.

Migs

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Listen: (34 mins 49 sec)

Download this fabcast (right click and save – 33.4 MB)

Note: Star Fabcaster Corporate Closet left before lunch, so he is nowhere to be heard in this second part; Production by McVie, music credit “Boys & Girls” by the Pet Shop Boys.

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That first meeting was followed by several more “dates.” I liked Fiel, and I liked hanging out with him. One evening I asked if I could go to his place, “magdadala ako ng beer, inom tayo.” He was game, and so I went. He was alone in the house, where he rented a room from a couple who owned it. We were enjoying our drinking session when I felt I just had to hold his hand. Then I did. I held and pressed it to my chest, saying, “Fiel, can you feel my heartbeat? Kinakabahan ako. Kasi gusto kita.” He replied by smiling an enchanting smile, then we kissed. Such soft lips. I will never forget that kiss.

During that same session, after several more bottles, he removed his shirt, saying, “ang init!” His body was so-so, not muscular, but lean. Even then I was so turned on seeing him shirtless. We were enjoying the bottles of beer, yet I was enjoying more the sight of his smooth, mocha-colored body. I can even see it now in my mind as I write this. After finishing that drinking session, he invited me to stay and spend the night there. We slept together in an embrace, yet nothing sexual happened.

There were also times he went to my place. One such instance was when he was writing an article for a sideline gig, and he needed a computer. Since I had a laptop to spare, I asked him to come over. And he did. He was a very intense guy. He came and wrote his article (I still have it in my archive files to this day), every now and then asking me for an alternative word for this and that. After finishing a draft, one thing led to another, and next thing I knew he was on top of me. I can’t forget that first time we fucked. Yes, fuck is the exact right word for it. It felt like sex. Not lovemaking. Sex. Yet at that time, it was fine. At least for me. I felt his intensity, his great energy. Animalistic. Wild. He wanted me, I felt it. He wanted my body, and he coveted it with a burning desire that made that love-less sexual act worth it. Just writing these make me remember that feeling of him inside me.

For some reason, after some time, my attraction towards him dwindled. It wasn’t because of the sex. That sex was a mere symptom. I felt that we were not compatible on multiple levels. Even if he was proud of me, as he introduced me to his predominantly straight friends, I knew then that I can never feel the same about him. He was very much closeted. Moreso, he had this almost seething hatred for flamboyantly out gay guys. During my birthday party which he attended, he saw a couple of my gay friends. He whispered with seeming disdain, “wow, they’re so gay.” That was the last straw. I liked him before, but at that time, I knew it was over.

Our last conversation did not go well. He called me on my mobile one evening, asking to meet up. I said no, I can’t. He said, “if you don’t meet up with me tonight, I will go meet another guy who’s been inviting me.” I said, well and good, go. And that was it. That was our very last conversation. Until now. Here in my blog, I attempt on some closure.

Dear Fiel, I know you can read this — or hear, or whatever. I just know that whatever I write here, you will know. And understand. There were many things that I did not tell you during our time together. Back then, I just thought that it wasn’t necessary to still elaborate on my decision not to pursue an “official” relationship with you. I realize that I may have been unfair in doing that. You may have suffered with so many questions, and all I gave you was silence and indifference. For that, I apologize. You had faults, but I too had a great many as well. No use in counting, no use in weighing, but because it is me who’s writing this, I’d say I might have been even more culpable than you. For this, again, I apologize. Fiel, I cannot anymore grab your hand and make you feel my heart pumping, but as I write this, I am indeed palpitating. Perhaps it’s that rush of knowing that finally I have done what is just. To tell you I’m sorry, and to admit that I am not always the protagonist in my life story. Let me thank you for teaching me these lessons. I pray that wherever you are, in whatever way you can, help me, help all of us understand how we can be better human beings to each other. Thank you. ~ Migs

Postscript: Around this date three years ago, Fiel at 25 years old, figured in a vehicular accident and passed away. May his soul rest in peace.

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These questions, and many more, are answered in this fabcast. Go, listen!

LISTEN (30 mins):

Download this episode (right click and save – 28.8 MB)

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First, I would like to greet your MGG Blog a Happy 3rd Anniversary. Your blog makes my monotonous work day exciting. I used to work in a call center in Makati when I discovered your blog, from then on I was addicted and always excited to check it everyday. Hanggang ngayon pwede ko nang sabihing parte na siya ng daily routine ko.

I was born and raised in Bacolod City, after graduation I went here to review for the Board Exams (ECE Board), needless to say, hindi pa kasing open ng Manila ang Bacolod as far as same-sex relationship is concern kaya nakakagulat when I first got here. Bata pa lang ako, since my mom is a teacher, I was raised to be masunurin at masipag mag-aral, in short NERD. I was a consistent honor student then, pero LONER, I never experienced the typical Barkada nung high school. Everytime may gusto ako, since I don’t have anyone to share it with, I’m making a note addressed to GOD and keep it in a box, wala pa kasing cellphone nun. It was always been my prayer to have someone I can call my own, not necessarily a lover… Bestfriend ok na. Together with that prayer, I completed the simbang gabi… novena mass at kung anu-ano pa. I am not religious but I always have my time for prayer. Siguro nasanay na din na siya lagi kausap ko dahil nga hindi ako mahilig makipag friends before. (Hindi na ngayon..lol)

Alam ko ever since that there’s something different about me compared to my male classmates. Until college, hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ako, I tried to do things straight people do, name it I’ve done it… siguro ma convince ang ibang tao na straight ako, kasabay nun ang pag convince din sa sarili ko na hindi ako ganun. Pero I was 3rd year college then when I met Francis, Freshman. He was maputi, long hair, chinito, matangkad, gwapo. (This is it!)

I began to notice him nung ang mga girl classmates ko kinikilig pag dumadaan siya sa classroom. Fate as you may call it, since member ako ng Student Government, I was asked to spearhead all the Engineering freshmen for an activity for the Sportsfest, and yes kasama siya dun. Everytime may practice sila I was there to arrange for the transportation and the food. Ako din ang taga check ng attendance nila aat dahil diyan I have to publish my number for any notification kung hindi makakapunta sa practice. Nagtagal ang practice ng mga 1 buwan, dahil na rin sa schedule ko ay hindi ako laging nakakapunta sa mga practices nila.

One night, nag text siya na hindi na daw kasing saya ang practice kasi wala ako. Migs, prior to that incident, hindi kami nag-uusap, we we’re not even introduced to each other,at wala din kaming common friends. Simula nun, we’ve been texting na, though more on about sa practices at sa school related activities. Nothing personal.

Last practice nila bago ang performance the next day, around 10p na kami umuwi, habang naka-upo ako sa pedicab naghihintay ng ibang pasahero going inside our subdivision, out of nowhere naisip kong magtxt sa cellphone ko, sabi ko “God, kung siya man ang binigay mo sa akin give me a sign, gusto ko tumawag siya pag dating ko sa bahay.” tinago ko lang sa Draft ng cellphone. Suntok sa buwan ang text na yun, hindi nga kami nag uusap ng personal, at hindi ako sigurado kung ano siya… pati sarili ko hindi din ako sigurado kung ano.

Papasok ako ng bahay, tumunog yung phone, uso pa drop call nun, nagtanong kung naka-uwi na ako. After ilang tanong at sagot, humirit siya ng “Pwede mag apply?” At first, I thought application for the org, so I replied hindi pa pwede kasi 1st year pa lang siya… sabi niya mag a-apply daw siyang bestfriend ko. Sabi ko okey, pero na weirduhan ako sa sitwasyon, at that time nalimutan ko ang sign na hiningi ko.

The next day sabay kami na nuod ng game, nag lunch, umuwi ng sabay. Naging ganun ang set-up namin for several months, minsan sinasamahan ko siya sa ibang school para manligaw sa classmate niya nung high school. Naging okey ang takbo ng sitwasyon namin, naging automatic na sa mga professor ko na pag nawawala ako, sa kanya ako hinahanap. Until one day, tinanong niya ko kung pwede daw more than friends na kami, nalaman kong tumigil na siya sa panliligaw sa girl sa kabilang school.

Pumayag ako, pero hindi ko alam kung tama nga yung ginawa ko. Dumaan ang ilang araw na masaya kaming pareho, we agreed not to have sex yet, because we need to prove kung LUST ba o LOVE ang nararamdaman namin, we agreed to go to church every Wednesday after school for novena, simba every Sunday at every lunch break sa school… Sabi namin pambawi kay Lord.. Lahat ng ginagawa namin naka plano, wala kaming sinabihang friends for fear na we’re both known sa school at baka ma kick-out kami. We prioritized our studies for fear na if ever malaman ng family namin na kami na, hindi pwedeng gawing dahilan na pinabayaan namin ang school namin. Para walang maisumbat. From then on, naging confident ako sa sitwasyon namin, I introduced him sa family as a “friend” and gusto naman siya ng family ko. Ganun din ako sa family niya.

This coming September 12, we will be celebrating our 80th month as a couple. At some point your blog has been and is still an inspiration for the both of us.. nahawa na din siya kakabasa ng blog mo dahil sa akin. Through your blog, from the stories shared by other readers and your advice that comes after, we realized that what we have right now is something that not most PLU have and that we have to take care and appreciate it. Dahil nga never namin na experience magka ex-boyfriend, kung paano makipag eye ball o makipag date sa ibang tao… through your blog we get to learn something, na hindi na dapat umabot sa kailangan naming maranasan yun para ma realize ang importance ng isa’t isa.

Gusto ko lang magpasalamat sa’yo at sa iyong blog. Hindi ko man kayang i-express siya sa paraang karapat-dapat, gusto kong malaman mo na parte ng buhay namin ang blog mo… and we all know that any relationship will never be better without the help of friends, family and the things that inspire and teach you… at isa ka dun.

Thank you.

Siopao & Bunwich

Dear Siopao & Bunwich,

Maraming salamat sa inyong email. Sa totoo lang, kinilig ako (at naihi ng three-and-a-half drops!) habang binabasa ang inyong napakagandang story. Being together in a loving, same-sex relationship for 80 months is no small accomplishment. You are right, you have something that many of us fervently wish for, and your resolve to always cherish and appreciate it is so refreshing and inspiring. Your story gives us a sliver of shimmer of a glimmer of hope, that we too can find our other half, just like both of you. Tila ba kayo isang baso ng malamig na tubig sa aming mahabang, nakakauhaw na paglalakbay sa kasukalan ng buhay. Maraming salamat!

To more months and more years of loving companionship! Cheers!

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Ramdam ko ang init na galing sa balat niya, nanunuot sa kalamnan ko. Sa gitna ng katahimikan, tumawa siya, mahina. Parang alam ko na kung ano ang mangyayari. Kumakabog ang dibdib ko na para bang may tatlumpung puso ang tumitibok sabay-sabay. Sabi ko na lang, pabiro, “gawin mo na ang gusto mong gawin.”

Ang kasunod:

Ilang sandali ang lumipas, naghahalikan na kami. Pinaluhod ko siya’t pinatuwad, tinangka ko siyang sakyan, dahil akala ko ganoon lang kadali ang magtalik ang dalawang lalake. Dahil pareho kaming hindi marunong, hindi kami nagtagumpay. Wala pa kasi sa bokabularyo namin ang lubricant. Marami pa ang nangyari noon, at natatandaan ko lang ay habang masugid naming tinatangkang magtalik, maghalikan ng halos walang katapusan, may panakanakang pagtawa at paghagikhik kami sa isa’t isa. Tila ba magkahalong comedy at X-rated na pelikula. Napagod kami at nakatulog ng magkayakap at magkahawak-kamay.

Sa gitna ng gabi, naalimpungatan ako. Tangan niya ang kamay ko, habang nakangiti, at ipinasok niya iyon sa kanyang brief. Isa pang round.

Pagdating ng alas-sais ng umaga, balikwas kami. Alas siete ay dapat pareho na kaming nasa eskuwela. Una akong naligo, at habang nagsasabon ay pumasok siya sa shower. Gusto raw niya’y sabay kaming maligo. Dali-dali akong nagbanlaw at sabi, “sige mauna na ako.” Di ko alam pero para bang di ko gusto ang naramdaman ko noon. Magkahalong hiya, pagkalito, at takot. Di ko noon maintindihan. Basta ang alam ko, parang dapat di na muling mapag-usapan kung ano man ang nangyari.

Ngunit sa paglipas ng araw, tila nga walang nangyari. Patuloy ang pagiging matalik naming magkaibigan. Madalas pa rin kaming magkasama, magkakuwentuhan, magkabiruan. Alam ng barkada naming kami ang mag-bestfriend, at di nagbago iyon kahit pa pagkatapos ng aming unang karanasan sa isa’t isa.

Minsan, napagkatuwaan namin ni Francis na dumayo sa Bulacan. Pareho kaming tagahanga ni Regine Velasquez, at tinangka naming bisitahin siya sa kanyang bahay doon. Alam daw ni Francis kung saan iyon kaya naglakas-loob kaming puntahan nga. Nang makarating kami sa bahay ni Regine, nag-alinlangan pa ako. “Bahay nga ba ni Regine ito? Bakit may sari-sari store?” Tumawa lang siya at sabing, “oo, may sari-sari store daw talaga ang bahay ni Regine.”

Sa aming pag-doorbell ay may sumungaw na tao, katulong yata. Lakas ng loob ko, sabi ko, “Magandang gabi po. Andiyan po ba si Regine?” Sagot naman ng ale, “wala rito, nasa Maynila.” Sawi man kami sa aming inasam na makita si Regine, tawa naman kami ng tawa sa kalokohan naming dalawa. Bago puma-Maynila, napagpasiyahan naming bumili ng tig-isang bote ng serbesa at konting pulutan. Sa kotse lang kami uminom, habang nakaparada sa gilid ng kalye. Di matao ang lugar kaya medyo pribado ito. Sa kabila ng tawanan, doon kami nakapag-usap ng malalim, seryoso.

Tanong niya, “Migs, anong nasa isip mo?” [itutuloy]

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At first I thought that I’ll just feature him here, and his advocacy, and that’s it. But I thought of something more fabulous! Since it is year-end anyway, I decided to honor him, his team, and his advocacy with an award I concocted myself: the MGG World Peace Award, which I would like to give to people, teams, projects, or initiatives that embody passion for promoting optimism, hope and positive attitude amidst all the negatives and craziness of this world.

To Cholo and everyone behind “Positivism” I salute you, and honor you with the very first MGG World Peace Award. I sincerely wish for more people to embrace the same advocacy. Migs the Manila Gay Guy embraces positivism. Mabuhay kayo! Mabuhay tayong lahat!

The Article by Cholo Hidalgo Laurel

I was in a café in Saigon during one of my shoots when this word first came to me. I recall the sunlight directly piercing through the trees and blinding my eyes as if to signify a coming epiphany. I felt a need but I didn’t know what I needed. I wondered if something was wrong with my life that I was not seeing. Defensively, I spoke to my self, “On the contrary, considering all that I had gone through in life, this is feeling like harvest time! I’m in a good relationship with a wonderful partner; 4 lovely children, respected by our peers. Ano pa ba ang hihilingin diba?” But the piercing sun was persistent. The emptiness was still there. It was making me sigh. Suddenly I just whispered to myself, “ God, I need to do something…no…not for myself. I need to do something… for you.

Before this starts to sound like college existentialist angst, I will have to admit that this soul searching comes from a natural tendency, My tendency to dig deep when I am sick and tired of something. Ok, confession, I was, at that point, getting very weary of advertising productions. Twelve years of tiptoeing around people’s egos, witnessing the most evil power plays known to man, often compromising standards and never really feeling creatively fulfilled was just eating my soul up. Ergo, This happy man was not a very contented man. This man wanted to start doing things that meant something. Gets?

After a few more sips (or was it cups) of coffee, the thought of an old acquaintance SHOLA LUNA crossed my mind. The thought lingered and I took it as a cue so I traced back. I had seen Shola a few weeks prior in a hospital near my home. I was having my annual check up and she was working as a health counselor of sorts and that was stunningly surprising for me because the Shola I once knew in Malate was the rebel of all rebels, not at all the angel that I had seen that day. But what was remarkable about meeting her again?… the fact that she’s HIV positive? That doesn’t stun me one bit…and then I thought of the word POSITIVE and found it amusing that a person with a viral strain would be popularly called POSITIVE. God must have some poetry behind that and I was about to find out.

POSITIVISM…hmm…I liked the sound of it.

Back in Manila a few weeks later, I intentionally paid Shola a visit in the same hospital to learn more of the world of POSITIVES and being the obsessive person that I can be, I even asked her to bring some of her positive friends over for dinner at my place just to get a deeper insight into an underworld of human beings who, as I discovered, are trying to rise above the heavy weight of stigma. They talked about their journeys from the darkness into light…from negative to positive…from near death to new life. They talked about how lonely it’s been but how hopeful they are for themselves and for the world, that world may awaken to realize that they deserve the name positive. I met gay as well as straight positive men and women and after many hours of hard laughter and tears, my heart found its mission. I focused into a vision… and I knew.

All this time the word POSITIVISM had already stuck to my subconscious mind. I didn’t know what it really meant but to me it meant POSITIVE ACTIVISM – activism for hiv positive people – to eradicate the apparent ignorance, kill the stigma and encourage love and understanding….kewl.

I penciled this in as part of the agenda for the next meetings with my creative team. Being like-hearted people, The HOTBOX team was quick to embrace the advocacy and so we set out for the most creatively fulfilling, heart-warming, soul-feeding journey – To make a web campaign that will help the Filipino deeply understand the HIV POSITIVE phenomenon.

God’s power is amazing, from one person (myself), ten more joined, then a small production house supported, a young director agreed to make a short, I sought help from colleagues and friends – THE Wig Tysman volunteered to shoot the cover, THE Tor Torre gave his make-up services, THE Mitch Amurao did the voices and THE Doctora Dytangko of the Research Institute for tropical medicine backed us up with the facts. Four months later, today, we’ve all grown up immensely and have learned so much about life, love and hope.

This Christmas, as we, the HOTBOX DESIGN STUDIO and our POSITIVISM friends launch this campaign; these are our arms wide open to all of you with all our love and hope. Help us spread the word in order to give hearts cheer, save lives, and spur hope in the hearts of many who need it.

Pay it forward; ask your loved ones to check it out. You will save lives and give hope to those who are deprived of hope.

Maligayang Pasko Pilipinas.

Please visit: http://www.positivism.ph

View more articles in MGG related to HIV.

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Hmmm. I can just imagine! Naughty! Hehehe!

Well and good, Mister Naughty Boy Kris Martinez. On another note, thanks for these similarly naughty pics — they literally grab your attention! Mwahs!

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A gay friend gave me a gift today. (Thanks Madam!) It was the DVD featuring Paolo Rivero and Paolo Serrano, entitled “M2M 3: Versus.” It says on the back cover of the DVD jacket:

Versus is a tale of two male hunks undergoing the different stages of realization and of falling in and out of love. Their story reels off in their minds and is carried out in a rather sensual and provocative manner. What actually goes on…? And what are the complexities in the process of carrying out, staying in and moving on from this kind of relationship?

Masterfully crafted as the previous M2M features- this video shows the intricacies and dynamics of male to male relationship.

More photos of the two Paolos after the jump.

(Photos are screencaps of the “Gallery” portion of the DVD.)

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