Manila Gay Guy

Hi Migs, I’m William (not my real name of course). I’m 18, studying at a prestigious university here in QC. Anyway, I have trouble in processing the fact that I’m gay.

Let’s just put it this way: the househelp found out my gay porn (I know, so lame of me), and now she knows that I’m gay, and now she’s pressuring me to ‘confess’ to her. Like she’s blackmailing me.This blackmailing has forced me to rethink who I really am. Am I gay? It’s just hard to process.
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Dear Migs,

Let me start by saying how confused I am right now. Just call me Boy. I admit that I have learned to accept who I am years ago, so I thought. I’m a straight-acting bisexual, In fact, meron din akong circle of gay and bi friends and as far as I recall, minsan ginagawa akong escort ng mga gay friends ko, kunwari boyfriend nila ako, just for the sake of fun. I’ve had previous relationships with the same sex too, but as years passed by deep inside, I realize that that was not what I wanted or something like that. Then I guess that was the start of a struggle, an inner struggle, which I find most difficult to cope with. Suddenly may fear ako naramdaman, fear of discrimination, fear na mapahiya because sa mundo ginagalawan ko presently hindi declared my other side. Why I didn’t tell them in the first place? I really don’t know… (more…)

[Here's a letter / contribution of Coffee Boy]

“Hey, just wanted to ask, are you gay, bisexual or something?” then I replied, “that… I’m not particularly sure of… I have a gf, but to be honest, I enjoy ‘it’ with men. No labels. Ikaw?” – then I got cold silence as a reply.

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It was the 30th day of my birthday month, though still in the middle of the week, the following day was the end of Ramadan and thus was declared a holiday. I got nothing to do that payday afternoon and so I decided to just hang around. Walking along Timog / Tomas Morato area with no one and with literally nothing to do, I decided to go to one of my favorite spa places and pamper myself with an hour and a half long massage. (more…)

What happens when a gay boy comes out to his mom? Read a mother’s account on her experience after Ben, her son, comes out to her:

The next days that followed were hard for me to deal with. Now that I knew for sure that Ben was gay, I was terrified. I couldn’t imagine a harder life for him. I knew he would be up against discrimination for the rest of his life, and my heart ached with the thought of it. I was grieving for my boy. We had always had a close and warm relationship. He was a lot like me in a lot of ways. But now, he suddenly seemed older and unreachable to me. He had crossed over to a land that I knew nothing about. I was scared and distraught. And I was surprised that I felt like that. I always assumed I was so open, and accepting. I prided myself on being a “free spirit” child of the sixties, and when it came down to it, I could not understand for the life of me, why I was having such a hard time with this.
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Ryan has emailed me a couple of times, and this time, I’m publishing his letter. He is a young college dude fretting over the unusual behavior of his fratman friend. He is obviously attracted to his supposedly straight friend but is worried that he might lose him as a friend if he even dared ask. He asks: is he into me? how would i know? what should I do?

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Hi there Migs,

I’m a frequent reader of your blog and I have noticed that you’re open to help other people if they need some advice regarding things on sexuality, relationships, etc. Then because of this I realized that I should ask you regarding this matter because even I am confused on how I interpret my situation.

Here’s the story…

I have a boyfriend, and we will be soon celebrating our 2nd anniversary (I hope…). But this letter is not about him.

Here’s the twist. I have a friend that belongs to a fraternity. Right now I am really confused on what is happening. I think he is giving me some signs. Let’s call him Jay.
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Gay life is not all fun and twinkling glitters. And when one reaches some kind of brick wall, it is best he has someone to confide with. Are you gay? Please tell someone.

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Bruce traveled from Florida to the Grand Canyon where, at No Name Point, a 450-foot jump put an end to his life. A short note identified the reason for his death:

Dear Family and Friends,

I’m sorry it had to end this way but it was my fate. I couldn’t handle life anymore. You see, the reason I ran away before to commit suicide is the same reason I did again. I’m gay. I never wanted to be and I always wished it would change, but it didn’t.

I wanted to live a normal life but God created me this way for some reason and there was nothing I could do to change it. I was born this way. Believe me, I would not choose this way of life for I know how hard and unaccepted it is.

I’m painfully sorry you all had to deal with this, but I couldn’t deal with it. This way, I could live a peaceful afterlife instead of a life of fear, agony, and manic depressiveness.

Please realize, I did not want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to end my own pain. I love you all dearly and will someday see you all again hopefully with your understanding hearts and souls. I just hope God will bring me to heaven.

Love always and eternally,
Bruce

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After Bruce’s body was discovered, his mom wrote the following letter:
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Hi Migs,

I do hope you read this. I know you’ve probably received tons of e-mails asking for your advice, and all may have the same story theme and you might even at one point get tired of reading such similar lines of stories. And I guess this is no exception.

No one knows that I may have some gay tendencies, or at least I would most likely accept being bisexual rather than completely gay. I’m really fighting it, I tell you. The reason? I have a girlfriend and I really do love her, and already have some plans of marrying her. But I guess fidelity doesn’t exist only within the borders of a straight relationship and heterosexual lust. Lusting over the same sex while in a straight relationship is another face of infidelity.

As I’ve said, I am in the continuous battle of fighting this “transformation” of mine, and the only outlet that I got while not fighting it would be reading your blog and at the same time trying to understand my situation, looking for the light in most of your entries and some of your reader’s insights… looking for similarities in the situation and trying to either justify or reject some of my actions and thoughts.
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To be or not to be gay — that is Josh’s question. What do you guys think? Should this “gay virgin” give in? Or should he continue along with his straight life? Would you recommend he take at least a bite of the “forbidden fruit”?

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Hi Migs,

I love reading the articles and posts on your site. I can’t remember how I learned about it, but it’s nice seeing a site that presents a fine division of pure fun, a little bit of naughtiness and insightful messages for men who also love men.

Yes, I am writing because I can see myself among some of those who share their dilemmas and problems regarding their sexuality. Through your site, I find myself having an imaginary friend, someone who can actually understand what I am going through or the confusions that’s going on in my mind. Someone that can relate with me.

Yes, I am a closet gay. (more…)

First it was Gus, the gay man who has a wife who doesn’t know, 2 beautiful daughters, and one gay querida boyfriend…

Then the guy whom I burned phone lines with… the same one who dedicated the song “You Give Me Something.”

Then the other guy (friends with Gus) who I slept with one Friday night, only to find out the following Tuesday that he was married (I saw them together in Baclaran!)

All these happened within a span of just 1 month. Now fate has it for me to be dating Zander, another straight-acting, confused, gay man.

On the one hand, I tell myself, “feeling beauty queen ka ha! Ang haba ng hair!” But thinking about it more, I feel I am just wasting my precious, precious time as a single gay man. But that is not the point I wanted to make.
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Pagudpud is almost at the northernmost tip of the Luzon island. Driving up there from Manila was an ordeal, but since I had 5 other friends with me – it was a blast! More than the usual enjoyment – stories, chikahan, okrayan, and endless laugh trip — one thing I realized during the trip was the critical importance of friendship among gay men. (more…)